MY ANXIETYS REALLY HIGH. DONNO WHY. FUCKING HATE THIS ANXIETY. IT CREEPS UP AND BEFORE I KNOW IT IT SMACKS ME FULL ON. UG. I DONT KNOW HOW IT GOT TO THIS LEVEL TONIGHT. NOW I CANT EVEN GET IT DOWN. AM SITTING HERE TRYING TO BREATHE, TRYING TO LOWER IT. THIS SUCKS. THIS REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. SUCKS DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO COVER HOW IT FEELS. I JUST WANNA SCREAM. I CANT STAND IT. I CANT BEAR IT WHEN I FEEL SO KEYED UP LIKE THIS.
Fully experience THIS moment, breathe in, breathe out – nothing more.
Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Nothings better than being curled up in your jammies after a nice long hot bath. Thats heaven to me. And thats what I am doing now, relaxing in my jammies for the evening.
I am exhausted, and I am hoping for a good nights sleep tonight. I think I’ll do a guided imagery exercise to relax my mind in a little while. Or maybe I’ll wait until bedtime to do it.
Its nice to have some “me” time. Time where I can allow myself to just breathe, and relax, its so healing.
We had our last therapy session before christmas today. We’ll be having a two week break now. It was meant to be three weeks but Eileen said today that she felt 3 weeks would be too long for us, so we scheduled a session for January 7th. It was nice that she did that for us, because she isnt working then, she doesnt start back to work until January 11th. So the fact that she did that and knew 3 weeks would be too much time for us to miss was great. She has such great awareness of how much we rely on her and need her support and I really appreciate that. Thanks Eileen!
Lexi was the first one out today in our session. For those who dont know Lexi is 6 years old. She is a self harmer and used to self harm quite a lot but now has not done it in a very long time. When she used to self harm she used to use razors. She also found it very difficult to feel emotions, or describe her feelings to anyone. After today though I am very proud of her. Today she did a lot of hard work with eileen and we are all so grateful to her.
She started off today telling Eileen that she was worried about not seeing her over christmas. Once Eileen told her that she’d be able to see us on January 7th Lexi calmed down. They went on to talk about yesterday, and winter solstace. Lexi told Eileen how a lot of us were struggling because of what yesterday was. Eileen said she’d been thinking about us yesterday and wondering how we were doing with the date that was in it. She asked Lex if she wanted to try something. A sorta experiment. Lex agreed so they started doing some work on breathing and it was incredible. Eileen taught Lexi how to breath in for four, and out for seven. Lexi was quite good at it which is weird because usually we are bad at breathing work. Eileen invited all the insiders to come to the common room and watch and participate in what her and Lexi were doing. So that is how I was able to know what they were doing. We all came and we did work on breath and breathing properly for about half an hour. Eileen kept telling us about how effective it would be and if we practiced it each morning after breakfast we’d get a lot better at it. Lexi and Eileen then worked on feelings. At first Lex said that her stomach felt flippedy, her legs felt wobbly, her arms were jumpy, her heart was racing and her breathing was bad. AFter the work we did on deep breathing things calmed down considerably. Eileen said lexi was doing great at noticing her body and describing her feelings. Lexi was so proud that she was doing it right. Eileen said to think of the breathing in and out as breathing in the now. The present. When memories come if we focus on our breath we can say to ourselves, this is now, this is 2015, we are safe, the past is past, we are not there now, we have a new life. The more we do it the more it will resonate with us. Its hard but I think it is worth practicing it. After doing all that Lexi was exhausted so Eileen said she could go inside and rest and she’d like to check in with me. When I came out I had a headache, and a stiff body. Eileen and me talked for a few minutes about switching and how we look when switching from one of us to another. Eileen said it kinda looks in between, if that makes sense. It sorta did. She said our eyes roll upwards and there is a shift, as we shift from one of us to someone else. Its interesting to me to hear someone else describe a switch. I also tried the breathing technique with Eileen. I wasnt as good at it as Lexi was but I tried and thats what matters, right? We talked about christmas plans and the weekend and other stuff. We talked too about Jasmine and I told Eileen she hadnt flooded me lately with feelings, Eileen asked me to try to involve Jasmine more in things, to let her become more aware of life now and how things are now for us. To let her experience happy moments as she hasnt had too many of those. I told her how over the weekend I’d tried to involve Jasmine in our night out with family, when I was getting ready, doing my hair and make up I invited her to be part of that. She said that was great and its good that I am doing that. She told me to try to let yesterday go if I could but she said she wawsnt invalidating our experiences but that that was then and before and this is now and we can make new memories. It was a good session and we got so much otu of it. I’m definitely going to practice the breath work over the holidays.