Clara having memories

Its Clara. I am 15. I wanted to write. I just realised why the kids crying triggers me so much.
I remember when we were at school, at the bording school. We were made to take care of the younger girls. The younger kids. We had to dress them, feed them, wash them…the staff who worked there expected us to do it, they didn’t care that we were also just kids. They just expected us to do their work for them. I don’t know why they had the job of caring for us. They certainly didn’t do it.
I just realised that this is a huge trigger for me. Hearing our littles cry, seeing them sad, and upset, it triggers huge overwhelm in me. I feel helpless. Hopeless, out of control. I feel as if I am literally unable to breathe. Just the sound…god the sound. It makes me feel like running away, far far away.
I emailed Eileen about it. I told her what I remembered. I told her how I felt. I had to tell her. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d get how I felt.
I’m feeling so unwell tonight. I feel agitated. Very shaky. Very sad and hopeless.
Why did I have to do a job that was not what I should have been doing? Why? Those staff who looked after us, well they didn’t, but they were employed to do that. To look after us. They should have done so. I shouldn’t have had the job of caring for other blind kids. That was not fair on me.
Clara age 15

Memories of my gramma

So today while cleaning out a drawer I found a folder. In it I found letters that my gramma wrote to me when I was 9 years old. So they are 30 years old. I found 3 letters. I got mom to read them to me. It was bittersweet. I was moved to tears by what she said in them. She said she wished she could come to my school to visit me, but that she felt too unwell to make the long journey there. But she hoped some day she’d be able to come. She never did. She suffered from severe and prolonged depression all of her life. She would spend weeks and months in bed. I always remember that about her I remember going to visit her at weekends and sitting with her and we’d watch old movies and chat. I miss her so much. She died when I was 14, she died from breast cancer that spread all over her body. Finding those letters today brought back a lot to me. In them she was telling me about family, and in each of them she said she enclosed 2 pounds, that was a lot of money back in 1989, I remember having money to go to the store and buy candy, and all of my friends in school were jealous of me. I do remember her also writing to me when I was in school and staff reading out the letters to me. I’m so glad I kept them. Having them is so important to me. It helps me feel connected and close to my gramma, who I loved dearly.

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