It is me Em. I was feeling really bad this morning. My body was hurting, and I felt awful. I felt really triggered.
I decided to text our therapist Eileen to tell her. So I did.
She got back to me later on in the day. After I texted her I hid in our bedroom with our fan on and I climbed into bed and took a long nap.
It helped. I feel much better now. I am not triggered any more.
Eileen asked me if I need to see a doctor. And she said maybe I am stuck in memories and I just forgot I am safe now. Its true I did forget.
I was so glad she texted me back. I knew she would when she could.
It was so reassuring. I reread the text a bunch of times.
Am so glad i feel better now.
hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
emily age 12
Eileen is awesome! Did I mention how absolutely awesome she is? I’m sure I did, rye smile.
I texted her because our anxiety isnt going away. So I texted her asking her if she was able to talk for a few minutes. She responded right away, saying yes, she could.
So we just talked. She is so kind. So so caring and kind.
She spoke to the kids, and she told them they were safe, and its just memories, and that it is in the past, not happening right now.
She asked me if we were triggered by being sick this morning. I said yes we were. “I get it, she said. I hear ya.
I thought you would be triggered by vomiting. How compassionate of her. Just the fact she gets it is so comforting to us.
She told us to wrap up in our fleece blanket. Wrap up and watch something on tv, she said. Be kind to yourselves. What do kids need when they are sick? Comfort, support, hugs, time. Its ok to just be nice to yourselves now. You can do all the fun stuff now. Thats allowed.
So thats what we’re going to do. We’ll watch something on prime, or net flicks, and make a cup of tea, and relax and wrap up in our comfy blanket.
I knew Eileen would come through for us. I am so grateful to her. She’s my strength tonight.
Therapy last week was good. Hard but good. Liz went in to the session, and she started off by telling Eileen that we had parts who were really feeling like it wasnt ok to be ok. Eileen said she’d like to talk to the part who felt like that. She said, can I help? So liz said, be my guest. And that got the conversation started.
A 12 year old part came out. She was very scared. She said she didnt feel like we could be ok, that it wasnt allowed. Eileen teased it out a little, why she felt that way. It turns out she had a lot of responsibility when the body was a kid. When we were in the bording school, she had to take care of younger kids. And even though we were blind, she still had to look after younger kids who were blind, and who had multiple disabilities. Taking care of them on the playground, or doing things for them like getting them dressed in the mornings, washing them giving them breakfast etc.
So now she’s afraid to let go of that responsibility. She’s afraid to let us heal. She thinks we’ll be in some sort of trouble if we do things in life, that allow us to actually have a life. Eileen worked with the pulsers with her for a while, working on her memories of having so much responsibility.
That seemed to help. She seemed to get calmer. But then she also told eileen that our abusers told her that she’d never be ok, she’d never be normal, she’d never do normal things that normal people do. So there was all of that as well.
We started dissociating then, so eileen had us walk around the room with her. Grounding us to the present. It always feels good to walk around the room. It always helps us a lot to do that. Eileen points everything out to us. We stood by the window for a while just taking in the sun. Then eileen had us try to feel the sensations in our body, that didnt go so well. We were holding on to the windowsill, and a part felt like she was going to tumble out of it. I told eileen and she told me to take one hand off the windowsill, and see how it felt. So I did and that felt better. She said the part that felt she was going to fall out the window, that it was a memory. She aked us where we’d feel safest, so we said sitting down, with her next to us. So we sat back down and she sat by us. She held us for a while which felt so good.
It was a pretty intense session. We were so exhausted after it. Working with the pulsers always tires us out. Also, when littles are out, we’re always super tired afterwords. Its like it drains us to have them be out.
I feel we got a lot accomplished though. We’ll probably do a little more work on the memories, on the feelings of responsibility that the 12 year old part felt. I’m sure we will over the next few weeks.
I’m sitting here bawling. I cant stop crying. I hate memories. I hate them with a passion. I don’t want to remember! I want to just quit! I cant take it! The memories came tonight out of the blue! I just started having awful flashbacks, its so horrible. I am literally sitting here in a panic. I’m so miserable. I feel so defeated. I wish for an end to all this pain. Someone shoot me! Someone make this stop! I feel so absolutely horrible! I’m shaking like a leaf. I cant seem to stop. I’ve buried my head in nitros soft fur. And right now I just want to die. I want to stop to quit to not live I want an end to the misery and pain. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my life, I know that sounds dramatic but this is shit. Remembering the past, its shit. I hate it. I know tomorrow I’ll probably feel differently but for right now this bloody sucks. If anyones around I can really use a friend.
Am in a bit of a func. Not good at all this is not good guys.
I am so disheartened about my weight and being up tonight at weigh in.
Its not the only thing on my mind though. I also am having a lot of body memories and flashbacks.
It totally sucks! I want to sleep but my mind wont switch off. Ug!
Hate this! Why is healing so difficult?
hihihi every body
its jadda. im 10 years old. im one of emilys inside kids. you know em has her own insiders in the bigger system. I know that’s confusin, it is for me too. but we’re here, and its just the way it is.
I got to talk with Eileen today. that was cool. I never talked to her before. I did email her though. at the weekend when I lost my words. I couldn’t find them. I asked her to help me find my words.
they disappeared. it was stressful to me that I lost them. I hate not be able to explain things or how I feel. but today I could. Eileen helped me find my words again.
we talked about ems system. I told Eileen a few things. about why im here. im a protector in ems system, I am here to protect Emily. that’s why I came.
Eileen was curious. she said but your only 10. I told her there are younger protectors than me. april is one and she’s only 8.
we talked about loss. I told her that last week in our session when we did that review, we got scared. we felt afraid cuz what if we lose Eileen? she said don’t worry, im not going anywhere. and if something were to happen that the organisation who funds your therapy stopped funding it, carol anne said she’d find a way to continue seeing me. and I believe that too. I know she would.
im happy that is the case. it feels better knowing that there are options. if the worse came to the worse we’d still have Eileen, we’d still be seeing her. im glad about that.
we got to talk about memories then. loss from times when the body was a kid. and we used the pulsers for a while. that was ok but then I started dissociating, so Eileen turned them off. she said we’d done enough work with them. I was glad we stopped. I didn’t think I could continue to work on the memories. Eileen ask me about the belief I had about myself. I told her I believe I feel that I am too much, and that I am bad. we talked about that belief for a while then.
then liz offered to help us by supporting us more. she said she didn’t realise how badly we were struggling, neither did Carol anne. they offered to come closer by us and offer their support to us. I liked that they offered to do that. it felt nice to have a grown ups support.
we don’t ask sometimes for help when we need it because we are scared. sometimes we don’t tell the grown ups in the bigger system that it is one of us and not Emily. we get scared to tell our names, and be recognised.
we are going to work with Eileen on asking more for help when we need it. but next week liz and her system are going to have some time. liz has stuff she needs to talk about with Eileen. but im glad I had a little bit of therapy time today.