I’M ALL OUT OF WORDS
MY WORDS FAIL ME
I CANT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER
FEELING A LITTLE NO A LOT OVERWHELMED
EMAILED EILEEN, TOLD HER I FEEL LOST AND VERY DISCONNECTED FROM MY BODY
HOPING SHE WILL RESPOND TO ME SOON
THIS DISCONNECTION REALLY SUCKS
TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
IM SO DEPRESSED. FEELING SO FRUSTRATED. NOT SURE WHY. JUST KNOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT. CANT COPE. SHOULD WATCH THAT SHOW CANT COPE WONT COPE. ITS A SHOW BY SOME IRISH COMEDIAN I THINK.
ANYWAY. JUST HAVING A CRAPPY NIGHT. FEELING SO FULL OF SADNESS AND DESPAIR. ITS THE WHOLE HAVING TO ACCEPT THE MEMORIES I GOT BACK LAST WEEK, THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME, TO THIS BODY. IT IS HELL.
ok. i feel like crap. i couldnt eat dinner. i felt too ill. sick from constant flashbacks. its hell. i keep feeling like i’m gonna throw up.
waves of nausea and pain keep coming over me. i am debating whether i should just go ask my nurse amanda for a PRN of haldol. the thing is if i take haldol now, i’ll probably fall asleep and I dont want that because then I’ll be all unsettled for tonight.
my mom is coming to visit me later and i want to be ok for her. if she sees me like this she’ll only get upset. i sware flashbacks are a bitch. they sneak up on you and before you know it they leave you feeling depleted and debilitated.
just feel so sad and so alone. pain is unbearable. i just want an end to it.
i’m having a terrible morning. i’m being flooded with memories. i want to die. i want it to stop. someone make it stop. i cant take another minute of this.
my head is spinning, my body is aching, my mind is racing.
someone help me please?
and we made it! we got through the night successfully. we even slept a little bit. we managed about 5 hours of sleep. i call that a success.
woke up to a cold and wet morning which is kind of a bummer as we were going to go to a local christmas market today. its called glow. there are craft and food stalls, and a themed winter wonder land for the kids. the winter wonder land is themed like narnia. i think we’ll probably still go well unless it starts to rain heavily. mom and our sister are going with us and our sisters two kiddos. it will be fun i’m sure. our littles are looking forward to it. speaking of the littles, they were delighted to be able to have a little midnight feast last night. i was up at 2 AM eating chocolate and pringles and they were thrilled at that. it was like a big adventure to them to be up and munching on treats in the middle of the night. of course that was before the body memories hit full force.
thanks to those of you who supported me last night. i truly appreciate it. it meant so much to wake up this morning to your comments. you are all amazing.
the nurse from the weekend team will be calling me this morning at some point. i plan on telling her about last night in detail. maybe she’ll have some perspective on the events of last night that i never thought of myself. also she’ll write in my notes and dr. barry will see it first thing tomorrow morning. i dont see her until wednesday of this week though but at least she’ll know what was going on for us.
am really struggling tonight. cant sleep. debating whether i should take a haldol. i’ve taken 300 mg of lyrica but it has not worked. not doing well emotionally either. having awful body memories, feel like someones punching me in the stomach over and over, i feel like if i dont sleep i’ll have hallucinations. and i dont want that. i’m just going to get under my duvet and hide, and hope morning comes soon.