Therapy last week was good. Hard but good. Liz went in to the session, and she started off by telling Eileen that we had parts who were really feeling like it wasnt ok to be ok. Eileen said she’d like to talk to the part who felt like that. She said, can I help? So liz said, be my guest. And that got the conversation started.
A 12 year old part came out. She was very scared. She said she didnt feel like we could be ok, that it wasnt allowed. Eileen teased it out a little, why she felt that way. It turns out she had a lot of responsibility when the body was a kid. When we were in the bording school, she had to take care of younger kids. And even though we were blind, she still had to look after younger kids who were blind, and who had multiple disabilities. Taking care of them on the playground, or doing things for them like getting them dressed in the mornings, washing them giving them breakfast etc.
So now she’s afraid to let go of that responsibility. She’s afraid to let us heal. She thinks we’ll be in some sort of trouble if we do things in life, that allow us to actually have a life. Eileen worked with the pulsers with her for a while, working on her memories of having so much responsibility.
That seemed to help. She seemed to get calmer. But then she also told eileen that our abusers told her that she’d never be ok, she’d never be normal, she’d never do normal things that normal people do. So there was all of that as well.
We started dissociating then, so eileen had us walk around the room with her. Grounding us to the present. It always feels good to walk around the room. It always helps us a lot to do that. Eileen points everything out to us. We stood by the window for a while just taking in the sun. Then eileen had us try to feel the sensations in our body, that didnt go so well. We were holding on to the windowsill, and a part felt like she was going to tumble out of it. I told eileen and she told me to take one hand off the windowsill, and see how it felt. So I did and that felt better. She said the part that felt she was going to fall out the window, that it was a memory. She aked us where we’d feel safest, so we said sitting down, with her next to us. So we sat back down and she sat by us. She held us for a while which felt so good.
It was a pretty intense session. We were so exhausted after it. Working with the pulsers always tires us out. Also, when littles are out, we’re always super tired afterwords. Its like it drains us to have them be out.
I feel we got a lot accomplished though. We’ll probably do a little more work on the memories, on the feelings of responsibility that the 12 year old part felt. I’m sure we will over the next few weeks.
I’m sitting here bawling. I cant stop crying. I hate memories. I hate them with a passion. I don’t want to remember! I want to just quit! I cant take it! The memories came tonight out of the blue! I just started having awful flashbacks, its so horrible. I am literally sitting here in a panic. I’m so miserable. I feel so defeated. I wish for an end to all this pain. Someone shoot me! Someone make this stop! I feel so absolutely horrible! I’m shaking like a leaf. I cant seem to stop. I’ve buried my head in nitros soft fur. And right now I just want to die. I want to stop to quit to not live I want an end to the misery and pain. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my life, I know that sounds dramatic but this is shit. Remembering the past, its shit. I hate it. I know tomorrow I’ll probably feel differently but for right now this bloody sucks. If anyones around I can really use a friend.
Am in a bit of a func. Not good at all this is not good guys.
I am so disheartened about my weight and being up tonight at weigh in.
Its not the only thing on my mind though. I also am having a lot of body memories and flashbacks.
It totally sucks! I want to sleep but my mind wont switch off. Ug!
Hate this! Why is healing so difficult?
hihihi every body
its jadda. im 10 years old. im one of emilys inside kids. you know em has her own insiders in the bigger system. I know that’s confusin, it is for me too. but we’re here, and its just the way it is.
I got to talk with Eileen today. that was cool. I never talked to her before. I did email her though. at the weekend when I lost my words. I couldn’t find them. I asked her to help me find my words.
they disappeared. it was stressful to me that I lost them. I hate not be able to explain things or how I feel. but today I could. Eileen helped me find my words again.
we talked about ems system. I told Eileen a few things. about why im here. im a protector in ems system, I am here to protect Emily. that’s why I came.
Eileen was curious. she said but your only 10. I told her there are younger protectors than me. april is one and she’s only 8.
we talked about loss. I told her that last week in our session when we did that review, we got scared. we felt afraid cuz what if we lose Eileen? she said don’t worry, im not going anywhere. and if something were to happen that the organisation who funds your therapy stopped funding it, carol anne said she’d find a way to continue seeing me. and I believe that too. I know she would.
im happy that is the case. it feels better knowing that there are options. if the worse came to the worse we’d still have Eileen, we’d still be seeing her. im glad about that.
we got to talk about memories then. loss from times when the body was a kid. and we used the pulsers for a while. that was ok but then I started dissociating, so Eileen turned them off. she said we’d done enough work with them. I was glad we stopped. I didn’t think I could continue to work on the memories. Eileen ask me about the belief I had about myself. I told her I believe I feel that I am too much, and that I am bad. we talked about that belief for a while then.
then liz offered to help us by supporting us more. she said she didn’t realise how badly we were struggling, neither did Carol anne. they offered to come closer by us and offer their support to us. I liked that they offered to do that. it felt nice to have a grown ups support.
we don’t ask sometimes for help when we need it because we are scared. sometimes we don’t tell the grown ups in the bigger system that it is one of us and not Emily. we get scared to tell our names, and be recognised.
we are going to work with Eileen on asking more for help when we need it. but next week liz and her system are going to have some time. liz has stuff she needs to talk about with Eileen. but im glad I had a little bit of therapy time today.
I’M ALL OUT OF WORDS
MY WORDS FAIL ME
I CANT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER
FEELING A LITTLE NO A LOT OVERWHELMED
EMAILED EILEEN, TOLD HER I FEEL LOST AND VERY DISCONNECTED FROM MY BODY
HOPING SHE WILL RESPOND TO ME SOON
THIS DISCONNECTION REALLY SUCKS
TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
IM SO DEPRESSED. FEELING SO FRUSTRATED. NOT SURE WHY. JUST KNOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT. CANT COPE. SHOULD WATCH THAT SHOW CANT COPE WONT COPE. ITS A SHOW BY SOME IRISH COMEDIAN I THINK.
ANYWAY. JUST HAVING A CRAPPY NIGHT. FEELING SO FULL OF SADNESS AND DESPAIR. ITS THE WHOLE HAVING TO ACCEPT THE MEMORIES I GOT BACK LAST WEEK, THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME, TO THIS BODY. IT IS HELL.