do you find it hard to cry? and do you think there is a reason behind it?
I started a second blog where I will write about my weight loss journey. I’d love it if some of you guys would follow along and cheer me on as I try to lose the weight.
Weight and I have never been friends, I have battled with it my entire life.
Anyway, this new blog will have things like my food diary, work out entries, stats about what I weigh and losing the weight, etc.
So you can join me over at
Enjoying success requires the ability to adapt. Only by being open to change will you have a true opportunity to get the most from your talent.
Is it important to you to find the positives in your daily life when you are struggling to cope?
I AM LONELY
I AM BLUE
I FEEL SAD
EVERYTHING FEELS UNTRUE
I FEEL OLD
I FEEL DEAD
I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME INSIDE MY HEAD
I DONT LIKE LIVING HERE
BUT I DO IT EVERY DAY
WHEN WILL MY THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS GET OUT
WHEN WILL THEY FINALLY BE ABLE TO BE
WHEN CAN I
FINALLY BE SET FREE?
i’m tired this morning. i slept ok, but i did wake about 4 AM. i went out to the nurses station and asked one of the nurses to get me a glass of milk. i went online for about an hour, then i put on my mp3 player and lay down and was able to go back to sleep again. when the nurses came in to wake up at 8 I was sound asleep and did not want to wake up. eventually though i did get up and go down for breakfast. i ate well and am now back at my bedspace thinking about how i am going to spend the morning. i rang my mom. she’s ok, my dad was back to the doctor yesterday with his bowel issue. the doctor didnt say much, just that he’s refering him to a gastroenterologist in may and hopefully she will give him some meds to help his pain. he is in a lot of pain all of the time. he does have a growth in his bowl but they said they arent going to remove it lightly, that it would have to be a last resort. it makes no sense to me. no sense at all. i only went to one group yesterday which was relaxation well it was more of a guided meditation. i enjoyed it. it was all about being in a hammock in a garden. there were other groups on but they didnt suit me. one was playing board games, and there was an out and about group but I couldnt participate in that because you need your consultants permission to go to it. there was also mindfulness in the morning. i’ll try harder today to go to more classes. it breaks up the day for me. that nurse that was talking about me the other night was on duty again last night. she didnt say anything about me to anyone though. in fact she was quite nice, but i was just like oh whatever. the damage is done now and things cant be changed. she did what she did. i feel the way i feel about her. i cant change that. well thats where things are at for now. i will write more later.
my mom visited me last night. i was glad to see her. she brought me some nice treats. an easter egg, some crisps, cookies, other chocolate, and some drinks. all yummy things which i am in need of since my diet in here consists of cerial, toast, yoghurts, and tea and coffee. and possibly ham sandwiches if they are there at supper time. its a nightmare and the food in here is so disgusting. half the time when you get your meal its almost cold. i’m like nooooo i’m not eating that!
mom stayed for about an hour. she gave me the card from my sister for my birthday. i opened it and my sister had given me 50 euros. i need to text her this morning to say thanks for that, it was kind of her to think of me and give me that much money. now i have enough money between what my mom gave me and what my sister gave me to get an external hard drive for all of my music. yay so happy about that.
after mom left i felt much brighter. and then dr. barry came in and that even lifted my mood more. so it turned into a good night. things on the ward were quiet. no major incidents. i did not take my meds until 11:30. before that I had some tea and I ate some of the biscuits mom had given me. tea is usually served at around 10 PM. one of the nurses usually brings it to my bedside instead of making me go out to where they serve it. so anyway i told rebecca who was my nurse that I’d wait until 11:30 to take my night meds. The later I take them the better, and the more I will sleep. And I did sleep.
I took a while to fall asleep but once I did I slept for around 4 hours without waking which is good for me. I woke at 4 AM and went out to the nurses station. One of the nurses, my favourite nurse, Marie, talked to me for a while and then brought me back to bed. I managed to fall back to sleep for another 2 hours. At 6 AM I got up and went back out to the nurses station. Maureen was writing her reports and said she’d bring me a cup of tea just as soon as she finished. So then I went back into my bedspace and got online. And I stayed online until breakfast time. Maureen did bring the tea and it was lovely.
I ate breakfast this morning. I usually eat breakfast most days, because it is the only meal I really enjoy. This morning I had cerial and toast with marmalade on it. Its saturday so going to be quiet today on the ward. There wont be much going on. No groups unless the student nurses try to do some but there are no OT’S and no nurse therapists on duty today and normally at the weekend its just quiet.
I need to text Eileen to let her know I am in the hospital. I will do that this morning. I’ve kinda been avoiding it. Not sure why. Maybe because I feel she’ll be disappointed with me for going back into the hospital and being unable to cope with the triggers around the ritual dates and my birthday. I know thats highly unlikely but part of me worries that she will.
I wont see mom again until Monday or Tuesday. She doesnt drive and she hasnt got a lot of money to get taxi’s. I understand and am ok with just calling her instead of physically seeing her.
Not sure what I am going to do for the day. Probably a lot of being online catching up on blogs, doing email, maybe watch some tv shows since I have my external hard drives with me.
Hopefully I’ll have a good day. So far I am feeling good so thats positive.