Just talked to my partner Jess

I just got off the phone to jess, jess is my long time long distance partner, she is currently in a psychiatric nursing home in Kewanee IL. She’s been there now for over 5 years, or it will be 5 years on june 2nd. I miss her so much every day, we used to visit each other often, I was constantly going to IL to visit her. She has did, and other mental health issues including bipolar, and ptsd.
We have talked now for the past 2 nights. For a long time each time, like maybe 40 minutes. It has been so nice to just talk to her, catch up, see how all of her system are doing etc.
She’s in good spirits, and I told the littles in her system I’d send them some treats, so after we talked, I got on amazon and I sent her some reeces peanut butter cups, som eoreos and some T.G.I. Friday potato skins. I love when I can treat them to nice things, as the food in the nursing homes pretty bad. And with the covid19, they aren’t seeing their adoptive mom now either, she is their only visitor on a regular basis.
I miss them all so much. I’m happy I get to talk to them though. At least we can still be in touch via phone. I wish I could do more for them, but I cant and I just have to accept that, accept my limitations.

Fowc: My partner

I havent talked to my partner jess in weeks. I wish I could. I have tried calling her. But the facility she’s at they dont seem to answer the phone. I guess I’ll just have to keep on trying until someone answers it. I get disheartened though. I’m sure she thinks I dont care, or I cant be bothered to call. Nothing is further from the truth. I miss her so much. I miss all of their system. Its hard though when she’s in that residential facility. Things have changed so much, our relationship has changed so much. She’s been there almost 5 years now. 5 long years. Thats a long time. And honestly? I dont know if she’s ever coming out of there. I just dont know. She doesnt know either. Part of me thinks she wont. Its very tough to see her be in there. Our kids dont understand why their mommy, because jess was a mom to them, they just dont understand why they cant see her, talk to her, hear her read to them. Its heartbreaking. I hope we get to talk soon. I just miss our long talks, where we’d put the world to rights. Our deep conversations. I miss those.


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Mood dips…

In an instant
I feel
On edge
My mood dips
Lower than low
I feel like a failure
Like I cant go on
A dip in mood
It always takes me by surprise
How fast it comes on
I try to swim
And slowly I am sinking
Treading water
Treading hope
Clinging to the hope
That this too shall pass
As sudden as I dip
I tip right side up again
Back to base line
whatever that is
I ride this manic roller coaster
For another day


I might be Bipolar?

Dr. barry said we may have bipolar. She is going to evaluate us some more To see where we are at and what type it may be.
I am scared. I have had many friends with bipolar, but what if I cant manage? What if I fuck up?
Hell I’m already fucking up. My moods very off lately. Up and down and all around. Rapid cycling. So its looking like that may be the type I have.
I have been impulsive in the past. Shopping a lot. Drinking a lot. Self harming a lot. I’ve had psychosis in the past, still have it to a degree its just under control now.
I am just really, really afraid.
I know I need to talk more to dr barry about this. And I will. She did say that one med I take could be keeping the more disruptive symptoms at bay. I take depokate. Mainly for seizures, but its also for my mood.
So we shall see where this leads. For now I dont know where its going.
How did you feel when you got your bipolar diagnosis? were you scared?

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Blog share. Young, dumb and bipolar

Hi guys

I have another new blog to share with you all today.
Its a blog written by a woman in her 20’s living with bipolar disorder.
the link is


Pop on over, say hi, give her a follow, I know she’d be really glad if you did!

Blog share…color me bipolar

So I have another great blog for you to check out! This time its Iggie’s blog!

Iggie has a wonderful blog, so check it out!
Her intro is below!

Hi! I'm Iggy and my blog is


My blog is mainly about my life with bipolar and newly diagnosed ADHD with little hints of fibromyalgia and just life. I have almost 300 followers but a small group of what I call "regulars" who regularly comment on my blogs. If my blog sounds interesting to you, feel free to follow and think about being a regular. 🙂