doing EMDR really spooked me

this is misty. i am 15. i have had a scary morning, i came out during therapy, because liz was doing EMDR with eileen, and i was nearby, and the pulsers spooked me, i felt scared of them, the feel of them buzzing in my hand made me freak out.
eileen talked to me and we talked a lot about feelings, i told her it felt as if something was going to spill out all over the place and leak out everywhere causing a huge mess.
she asked me to describe my feelings to her, i had a hard time doing that. im not good at describing things. i dont come out a lot, time and places dont really mean a lot to me, i know we have a house and live on our own, but i rarely am out, so eileen suggested that liz sticks by me, and when liz is out i can experience some of what that is like through her.
that felt safer to me, i feel safe with liz. i admire liz, look up to her, i do have a friend inside, her name is clara.
i dont think i want to open too much stuff up just yet, its too scary, im afraid, afraid of what will happen when i do.
eileen said its like a balloon, we can untie the knot in it, let a little of the air out and then tie it back up again, she said we dont have to let all of the air out at once. she said she wouldnt let us do that, she doesnt want to destabilise us, thats not her intent.
im glad. maybe i will use the pulsers at some point in the future, when they dont feel so scary to me.

It went very well!

So the presentation went really well! I think I did very well on it! I didnt actually have to stand up in front of the class to deliver it. Since I was reading braille notes, and I needed a table to place them on, the lecturer said I could stay seated and deliver it from my seat. That took a huge amount of pressure off me. So that is what I did. And it went beautifully. I was really pleased with how it went. At the end of my speech a few people asked me questions, and they were really interested in my topic, which was friendly call. One of my class came up to me at the end and he said I sent shivers up his spine, because he didnt realise that there was so much loneliness in ireland, I had given statistics on loneliness in ireland during my presentation. Anyway, I am so happy its done now, done and over with, and I’m hopeful I’ve done well on it.

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Post share: Music therapy can help us all!

Music therapy benefits all of us in many ways!
Read on for more on how it helps us heal and benefits our general overall stress levels!

5 Amazing Facts about Music for Stress Relief: Guest blog by Curtis Dean

Working on us week 16 passive suicidal ideation

This week I again participate in Beckys working on us prompt.

This weeks topic is passive suicidal ideation. For anyone, the difference between passive and suicidal ideation is essentially I wish I was dead (passive) vs. I want to kill myself (active).

Prompt #1

Write a narrative about yourself and/or someone you know that is believed to think Passive Suicidal Ideation

I have suffered from this. I still do. I go from passive, to active, and then back to passive. I think its like that for a lot of people actually. For me the passive part of it is the scary part. When your in active SI you have the energy to do something, to actually go through with it. When your passively thinking about it, it seems to be far worse. At least, thats how it is for me anyway. Wishing I was dead, wishing I didnt exist, wishing I wasnt around any more, that feels awful and scary to me. even though at the time I am wishing it and thinking it, I dont seem to really care one way or another.

I am glad I havent had any SI thoughts in a while. Not bad ones. I’ve had fleating thoughts every so often, but nothing major, I am so thankful for that much.

Having support while your suicidal is the best thing. Getting help, reaching out that is the most important thing I think. Talking about it, not being afraid to ask someone if they are thinking about suicide or feeling suicidal, that is the only way to end the stigma of suicide.

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Quote of the day and my thoughts

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King Jr.

Never be silent. If something is important to you, speak about it. Use your voice. We were given a voice for a reason, never be scared to use it. Silence isnt golden! Its important to tell your story, whatever that story may be!

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College starts back today

I am going back to college this morning. I thought I’d have an early night last night, so that I’d be well rested and ready to face the day. Unfortunately that didnt work out to well for me. My next door neighbour decided that he was going to use a drill at 9:30 pm last night, and it went on for a while. Then he decided to run the vacume cleaner after the drill. To say I was pissed was an understatement. I eventually fell asleep but it was fitful sleep. I woke again at 1 AM and I’ve been up since. Its gone 2 AM now. Getting back to college, I am excited to go back. The first day back is always exciting, but it will also be kinda hard. I bet we’ll get our first assignment brief. I hope the lecturers explain what we have to do in a decent way. Our coordinator did give us one document about a week ago that had some information on the next assignment, so I know a little about it already. Its a pretty big one. I think part of it is that we have to visit an organisation related to mental health, and interview someone there and then create a poster presentation on the organisation and our findings. We also have to do an 800 word learner log. Not sure if there is more to it than that, but thats what I was able to find out about it so far. I’ll probably stay up now, class starts at 9:30. I need to book a taxi to get me there. I am leaving Nitro at home, he doesnt go with me to college. He gets too stressed out by the heat of the room. At least I was able to get a few hours of sleep, I suppose its better than nothing. I’ll probably be exhausted by the time mid afternoon rolls around, but I see dr. barry at 3:20 PM today so I cant nap in the afternoon even if I am tired.

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