Working on us week 16 passive suicidal ideation

This week I again participate in Beckys working on us prompt.

This weeks topic is passive suicidal ideation. For anyone, the difference between passive and suicidal ideation is essentially I wish I was dead (passive) vs. I want to kill myself (active).

Prompt #1

Write a narrative about yourself and/or someone you know that is believed to think Passive Suicidal Ideation

I have suffered from this. I still do. I go from passive, to active, and then back to passive. I think its like that for a lot of people actually. For me the passive part of it is the scary part. When your in active SI you have the energy to do something, to actually go through with it. When your passively thinking about it, it seems to be far worse. At least, thats how it is for me anyway. Wishing I was dead, wishing I didnt exist, wishing I wasnt around any more, that feels awful and scary to me. even though at the time I am wishing it and thinking it, I dont seem to really care one way or another.

I am glad I havent had any SI thoughts in a while. Not bad ones. I’ve had fleating thoughts every so often, but nothing major, I am so thankful for that much.

Having support while your suicidal is the best thing. Getting help, reaching out that is the most important thing I think. Talking about it, not being afraid to ask someone if they are thinking about suicide or feeling suicidal, that is the only way to end the stigma of suicide.

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Quote of the day and my thoughts

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.
Martin Luther King Jr.

Never be silent. If something is important to you, speak about it. Use your voice. We were given a voice for a reason, never be scared to use it. Silence isnt golden! Its important to tell your story, whatever that story may be!

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College starts back today

I am going back to college this morning. I thought I’d have an early night last night, so that I’d be well rested and ready to face the day. Unfortunately that didnt work out to well for me. My next door neighbour decided that he was going to use a drill at 9:30 pm last night, and it went on for a while. Then he decided to run the vacume cleaner after the drill. To say I was pissed was an understatement. I eventually fell asleep but it was fitful sleep. I woke again at 1 AM and I’ve been up since. Its gone 2 AM now. Getting back to college, I am excited to go back. The first day back is always exciting, but it will also be kinda hard. I bet we’ll get our first assignment brief. I hope the lecturers explain what we have to do in a decent way. Our coordinator did give us one document about a week ago that had some information on the next assignment, so I know a little about it already. Its a pretty big one. I think part of it is that we have to visit an organisation related to mental health, and interview someone there and then create a poster presentation on the organisation and our findings. We also have to do an 800 word learner log. Not sure if there is more to it than that, but thats what I was able to find out about it so far. I’ll probably stay up now, class starts at 9:30. I need to book a taxi to get me there. I am leaving Nitro at home, he doesnt go with me to college. He gets too stressed out by the heat of the room. At least I was able to get a few hours of sleep, I suppose its better than nothing. I’ll probably be exhausted by the time mid afternoon rolls around, but I see dr. barry at 3:20 PM today so I cant nap in the afternoon even if I am tired.

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Working on us week 14, boundaries and relationships!

This weeks working on us topic is boundaries, and relationships! If you’d like to participate then check out beckys post on the link provided and go for it! Its a lot of fun!

Rules:

  • Write your own post and create a pingback to the original post here.
  • There are no right or wrong answers. Write in any format you see fit. (Answers, fiction, non-fiction, poetry, poem, short proseanything).
  • You can do one or all prompts.
  • You have from September 4th. through to September 10th. to submit your entries.

  • Please reblog the original post in order to spread more awareness.

Question Prompt:

  1. How would you describe your relationships with family and friends? They’ve gotten better over the last couple of years, before that, they were strained, and not really that good.
  2. Have you ever had to set boundaries with family and friends? Oh yes, with my dad, in particular, also with friends, it was hard, but I did it and I am proud that I achieved that.
  3. Do you believe your boundaries are respected by your families and friends? Most of the time, although my dad can disrespect them at times, he needs constant reminding from me that I wont take his bullshit and crap.
  4. Are you treated differently because of your mental illness/disorders? Yes. Unfortunately. It was a lot worse when things were strained and the relationships between my family and I werent good. Nowadays its there, but I am not treated like I am someone to be afraid of or feared.
  5. Are your family and friends supportive and understanding of your mental health? I’d say a little bit. Not hugely though. They find the dissociative identity disorder challenging. They also dont really get it about the ptsd, they understand anxiety and depression a little bit and are more ok about those things.
  6. Describe a For instance of how you handled setting boundaries with family or friends? Well, I have a friend, norma, she’s blind like me, and also suffers from mental illness, a few years ago, I had to set some boundaries with her, because she was being very eratic, and treating me harshly, for no reason, other than she was getting attention for it from professionals around her. So I set boundaries, and we didnt speak for a while, now we do talk again, but I am firm with her, and I dont stand for any crap.

https://beckiesmentalmess.blog/2019/09/04/__trashed-6/

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Grades are in!

Finally got my grade for my learner log!
I got a B! Here is what my lecturer said to me for my feedback.

Thank you for the open, thought provoking learner log. It is evident that your confidence is growing in terms of engaging with the material. Good learning evident in the group work. Working in groups gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves; triggers, resilience, listening and negotiation skills etc.

The next time you are writing a learner log draw from the literature, this helps to inform your learning and to build your literacy about the topics and themes.

You will find the last module interesting in terms of how you present your narrative in a safe and recovery focused way.

Good work

Grade: B-

I am happy with a B. I think it means in that module I have a B in the overall module. I’m not exactly sure but I think so.

We had 3 pieces of work for the module. Our 3 scores are added up and then an overall score is given at the end of the module. We havent gotten those overall scores yet though.

I wasnt sure how to go about doing the learning log, as it wasnt explained to us very well. Soo I pretty much winged it. But I did ok, all things considered. I am delighted with my result.

Its been a good day!

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Not for another week

I just got an email from the coordinator in college. She said we’re not back until the 11th. So I have another week off. Yay!

I thought it was tomrrow we were back. This is good news! I am going to make the most of the time off.

In her email she also gave us our next assignment brief. We have to do a poster presentation, we must visit an organisation that deals with mental illness, a community organisation and then do a poster presentation on it, and we have to also do an 800 word learner log.

Fun times ahead!

The next module we’re doing is on community aspects of mental health, it sounded very interesting from what she wrote in the email about it.

She said we’d be having a few guest lecturers. I like when we have speakers in to the class. That always interests me.

Its totally amazing to have another week off! Am very pleased about that!

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