anxious thoughts swirl around
my stomach clenches
intense feelings of overwhelm wash over me
an intensive pain
shoots through my body
like nothing I’ve ever known
I sit feeling dazed
wanting this overwhelm to end
when will this roller coaster of emotions stop
when can I get off?

Coping with Eileen being gone

I feel so tired this afternoon. I only got 3 hours sleep last night. It was 2 AM when I finally went to bed, and I was up again at 7, because the postman came knocking with a package, the package was from my friend sarah, she sent the kids a book, all about being brave, they cant wait to have eileen read it to them!
Eileen is away this week on a training course so we didnt see her today, its part of her body psychotherapy training, she wont be home until late on friday.
We worked this morning, for around 3 hours. Work was busy, but it went well.
Came home, cooked, and now am just relaxing in front of the tv and on our laptop.
Wishing we could’ve seen Eileen today, miss her so much, even I miss her, I didnt text her, because I know she’s busy and I dont want to bother her while she’s training.
It feels so weird not to have therapy, Eileen had said to me last week that its important to take a break from all the hard work we’ve been doing, treat ourselves, do something nice just for us.
So I will take her up on that and enjoy my evening, I know she’d be proud of me for coping with her absence, she’d say I am very resilient, and actually last week she congratulated me on being able to self soothe a little more now than I would have done in the past.

doing EMDR really spooked me

this is misty. i am 15. i have had a scary morning, i came out during therapy, because liz was doing EMDR with eileen, and i was nearby, and the pulsers spooked me, i felt scared of them, the feel of them buzzing in my hand made me freak out.
eileen talked to me and we talked a lot about feelings, i told her it felt as if something was going to spill out all over the place and leak out everywhere causing a huge mess.
she asked me to describe my feelings to her, i had a hard time doing that. im not good at describing things. i dont come out a lot, time and places dont really mean a lot to me, i know we have a house and live on our own, but i rarely am out, so eileen suggested that liz sticks by me, and when liz is out i can experience some of what that is like through her.
that felt safer to me, i feel safe with liz. i admire liz, look up to her, i do have a friend inside, her name is clara.
i dont think i want to open too much stuff up just yet, its too scary, im afraid, afraid of what will happen when i do.
eileen said its like a balloon, we can untie the knot in it, let a little of the air out and then tie it back up again, she said we dont have to let all of the air out at once. she said she wouldnt let us do that, she doesnt want to destabilise us, thats not her intent.
im glad. maybe i will use the pulsers at some point in the future, when they dont feel so scary to me.

It went very well!

So the presentation went really well! I think I did very well on it! I didnt actually have to stand up in front of the class to deliver it. Since I was reading braille notes, and I needed a table to place them on, the lecturer said I could stay seated and deliver it from my seat. That took a huge amount of pressure off me. So that is what I did. And it went beautifully. I was really pleased with how it went. At the end of my speech a few people asked me questions, and they were really interested in my topic, which was friendly call. One of my class came up to me at the end and he said I sent shivers up his spine, because he didnt realise that there was so much loneliness in ireland, I had given statistics on loneliness in ireland during my presentation. Anyway, I am so happy its done now, done and over with, and I’m hopeful I’ve done well on it.

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Post share: Music therapy can help us all!

Music therapy benefits all of us in many ways!
Read on for more on how it helps us heal and benefits our general overall stress levels!

5 Amazing Facts about Music for Stress Relief: Guest blog by Curtis Dean

Working on us week 16 passive suicidal ideation

This week I again participate in Beckys working on us prompt.

This weeks topic is passive suicidal ideation. For anyone, the difference between passive and suicidal ideation is essentially I wish I was dead (passive) vs. I want to kill myself (active).

Prompt #1

Write a narrative about yourself and/or someone you know that is believed to think Passive Suicidal Ideation

I have suffered from this. I still do. I go from passive, to active, and then back to passive. I think its like that for a lot of people actually. For me the passive part of it is the scary part. When your in active SI you have the energy to do something, to actually go through with it. When your passively thinking about it, it seems to be far worse. At least, thats how it is for me anyway. Wishing I was dead, wishing I didnt exist, wishing I wasnt around any more, that feels awful and scary to me. even though at the time I am wishing it and thinking it, I dont seem to really care one way or another.

I am glad I havent had any SI thoughts in a while. Not bad ones. I’ve had fleating thoughts every so often, but nothing major, I am so thankful for that much.

Having support while your suicidal is the best thing. Getting help, reaching out that is the most important thing I think. Talking about it, not being afraid to ask someone if they are thinking about suicide or feeling suicidal, that is the only way to end the stigma of suicide.

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