THIS IS WENDY

I WISH I COULD HIDE AND NOT GO TO THERAPY
I AM LOST. MY WORDS ARE FAILING ME
I FEEL LIKE I CANT SPEAK. I WILL JUST GO AND SIT IN SILENCE WITH EILEEN. SHE’LL THINK I AM WASTING HER TIME.
WHY IS LIFE SO DIFFICULT?
WENDY

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attachment issues around the frequency of seeing dr. barry

dr. barry said today that she wants us to come in next week, instead of in two weeks time. normally our apts are two weeks apart. they have been that way for a while. we used to go weekly. and after christmas we decided to try going bi weekly. its working ok, or i thought it was. but now i’m not so sure. i know our attachment issues kicked up a notch. we still feel insecure when she’s on vacation. or if we dont see her every two weeks. and with the recent suicidal stuff, i’m starting to wonder, if insiders wanted to do stuff to try to get her to see us more often again. today when she said that under the circumstances we should come back next week people were secretly happy. im not going to name names here but there were a good number of insiders who breathed a sigh of relief when she said that. so that makes me wonder? are we really ok seeing her less often? i dont think we are. i think its something we need to talk about with her. she cant really do anything about it, because she isnt able to sustain seeing us weekly, her clinic is too busy, she has a lot of patients. and we are the only one she sees regularly, all of her other patients are lucky to see her once a year, they have to deal with junior doctors, not us though, we always see dr. barry. that was recommended in our report when we were diagnosed with did. i knew our attachment issues were strong on this matter but i didnt think it was this bad. or maybe i did and i just ignored it. i’m starting to think there is a lot that i didnt know about the system. a lot i’m not so aware of. and i’m also learning that some of the older insiders, like willow, like liz, like wendy, insiders who i thought would never attach to either eileen or dr. barry are starting to really attach, and they feel abandoned, left alone, insecure when they dont see them for a while. i know thats not a bad thing. its just really really surprising. im going to make this issue a priority in therapy too. we need to discuss this going forward.
carol anne

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the pain of attachment

i feel a really strong pull to my therapist.
i know its the child parts. they want to be with her. they need her. hell i need her to. but somehow im feeling very vulnerable this morning.
trying best as i can to manage it. not easy but trying all the same.
attachment pain sucks. sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.
i can feel some very young parts surfacing. i’m trying to not switch out. because im in class. i cant really switch until im in the privacy of my room. its not safe.
think i’ll let the young parts email eileen. she’s always happy for us to do that. it might help them feel connected to know shes reading their words.

I must feel to heal

my body reacts
in fear
in anger
it trembles and shakes
threatens to destroy me
i feel
its a big deal
it sure is
because
i hardly ever feel
and when i do
my feelings are full
of hurt and pain
fear and shame
guilt, oh the guilt
but she says its ok to feel
and so i will…
even if it threatens to kill…
feel i must
to go forward
and to heal

clara-therapy session

so we were back to therapy today. what a relief! it was such a relief to be back. was sooo happy to see eileen again.
there was a bunch of my sisters inside though who were angry. angry that she left us. angry that she came back and wanted us to work on stuff. angry that they had to go to therapy at all. they didnt want to go.
she asked if i’d be the spokesperson for us all. so i was.
we talked through the anger. that was hard. i get it that your angry at me for leaving you. i get that, she said softly.
do you? do you really get it? i do, she said.
do you think we could talk about the anger? nooo, we dont wanna, we cant, the words, they wont come, we cant…
slowly we tried though. and we did succeed at it eventually.
i told her how i’d been trying to email her stuff this week but couldnt find my words. but then today i was able to talk to her about it.
it felt like i was on my own this past two weeks, i said. i felt alone. i felt horrible. i wanted you there with me. but you werent there…you were gone…
i hate when your gone…
some of the teen insiders were in a strop. its as if you were never coming back, i said almost in tears. but i’m back now, clara. i’m back, i didnt leave, i know it felt like it but i’m here…i’m still here…
then i started telling her about my body. i wanted to punch out my arms, not at her, but just, to get the anger out. but i couldnt. my movements were stiff and cumbersome.
so i started to tell her about my body, how im 15, and my body inside, is totally different to my body when im out. i have so much energy inside, my movements are powerful, they are strong, i feel strong, but then, when i come out, and am out in the body, my movements dont feel as strong. my body reacts slower, i feel very slowed down, i certainly dont feel like im 15 when im out.
so we talked through all that. and then eileen had me do some body exercises, she practiced what she learned last week on me! i was the very first person she practiced her learning on! that felt so good!
so she had me walk through some exercises where i noticed my arms, the muscles in them, how they felt, what they were wanting to do, and then she had me do it, move my arms, punch out my arms, feel it, feel into it, and it felt sooo good to do it!
we are going to do some more work next week on it. but for this week she wants me to practice the exercises i did with her.
and she wants me to continue practicing my breathing. she said thats very important.
so yeah a good therapy session today!
Clara

SO OUR THERAPIST RESPONDED, SHE’S AWESOME

SHE RESPONDED TO ONE OF OUR EMAILS. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS JUST WHEN TO RESPOND. OUR AGREEMENT IS SHE READS THEM AND DOESNT RESPOND, BUT SOMETIMES SHE BREAKS IT AND RESPONDS ANYWAY..LIKE NOW, AND WE LOVE HER FOR IT…
LIZ

Hi All, Just to let you know I have received all the emails, and wanted to respond briefly. I really do get the various reactions and want to honour them. The anger the uncertainty the wanting to connect the wanting perhaps to push me away the curiosity the sense of abandonment the hurt….I have not left you behind I carry you all with me.
By the way I didnt forget about the book, I made a recording of it…but the playback was on slow and couldnt figure out how to rectify that…or send it! We will figure it out together.
Keep well
Eileen