therapy today was great. i feel fantastic after our session. it was hard, but really good too. i’ve never felt so held, so contained, so loved as i did today in the session. we worked today with the very young parts, like infant and toddler parts. it all started out with me telling eileen about last night. about the really intense neediness we felt, how we wanted to reach out to her, we felt that intense attachment pain, and how it scared us. her take on it was that we’re reaching a new level of trust now with her. and so our need for connection is intensifying too. she said thats fine, i felt really embarrassed, like it wasnt ok, but she kept reassuring me that it was. we sat talking for a few minutes. i was talking to her about the intense need we felt, about how it felt like baby parts, like parts without verbal skills or who had no words. so she was talking about what they needed. she asked me, is it ok if I come over and hold you? I said that’d be ok. So she came over and she went behind me and she put her hands on my shoulders, in a sorta holding position, and let me lean back into her. She held us like that for most of the session as we talked about the infant parts and what they might need. we talked about creating an inside nursery for them. and what we might put in there. we talked about what babies need, what they like, what makes them feel safe. it felt so validating. the holding was so grounding. it was also very sootheing. it calmed us down a lot. i didnt even dissociate like i normally do. i think it was mostly that eileen was there, holding me, helping me to feel present in my body. i asked her if she got all the emails people sent last week. she said yes. i apologised and said i was sorry that there were so many of them. she told me that it was ok, that she felt honoured that insiders were trusting her enough to share with her, and that she didnt mind the amount of emails that there had been at all. we talked about the feelings the intense neediness brought up in us. i told her there was fear, and someone wanted to bolt, and more just wanted to be with her, and there was also anxiety and a feeling that we may get in to trouble for this. she said she welcomed all of the feelings in the therapy room. after a while of holding us and us talking she told me she was going to take away her hands now. i liked that she told me she was going to do that and she didnt just do it very suddenly. after she took her hands off my shoulders she handed me a fluffy blanket. here, she said, this is for the very young parts. we took it and immediately the kids wanted to hide underneath it. they wanted to wrap up in it. she wrapped us up in it and we felt so safe. so warm. so loved. we felt comfort and a huge wave of happy swept over us. she said she was going to keep that blanket there for us. that we can use it any time we want to. she said she thought we needed something comforting while we finished up our session. at the end of our session she talked to me a little bit about her training. she said they’d learned a lot about how trauma is held in the body, about tracking it in your nervous system, about trauma in general, and about using touch in therapy. she has two more years of training left, she goes to the UK twice next year and twice the year after, but she also has to do study groups here in ireland, practical work, etc. so its not just that she goes to the UK and thats all. It was really interesting and I liked hearing about what she’s learning. I think its really going to benefit us in our work together.
IM FEELING INCREDIBLY UNSTABLE. I KNOW WE’LL SEE EILEEN TOMORROW. IT JUST SEEMS A LIFE TIME AWAY. LOGICALLY I KNOW ITS A FEW HOURS. BUT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO HUG HER. I MISS HER SO SO MUCH. I FEEL VERY YOUNG. I FEEL VERY CLINGY. LIKE I WANT TO CLING TO HER LEGS, OR HOLD HER HAND AND HUG HER AND NOT LET GO. I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY SAD. AND LIKE BURSTING INTO TEARS. I ACTUALLY DONT THINK I CAN HOLD IT IN. I WONDER IF I CRY WILL I BE ABLE TO STOP? I JUST FEEL SO YOUNG. I FEEL SO ON EDGE. SO VULNERABLE TOO. LIKE A VERY YOUNG DISTRESSED PART IS HERE. SO NOT SURE IF ITS A PART OF ME, OR ANOTHER VERY YOUNG INSIDER. IT KINDA FEELS LIKE A YOUNGER PART OF MYSELF THOUGH. I JUST DONT KNOW. ALL I DO KNOW IS I FEEL TREMENDOUSLY NEEDY RIGHT NOW. I NEED EILEENS REASSURANCE, I NEED HER COMFORTING HUGS AND HER REASSURING WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, AND OF COMFORT. I’LL HAVE TO WAIT ABOUT 15 MORE HOURS THOUGH. TIME IS TICKING BY SOOOO SLOWLY. I JUST WANT TOMORROW MORNING TO COME, I NEED IT TO COME QUICK.
SO I DIDNT REALLY FEEL UP TO TALKING IN THERAPY TODAY. I DID EVENTUALLY TALK FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT ONLY WHEN EILEEN ACTUALLY ASKED FOR ME TO COME OUT. WHEN I CAME OUT SHE QUIZZED ME ON WHY I HADNT COME OUT WHEN SHE ASKED WHO WANTED TO COME FORWARD, SHE SAID SHE KNEW FROM MY EMAILS THIS PAST WEEK THAT I’D BEEN HAVING A TOUGH TIME, ANE MY ANGER AND RAGE HAD BEEN TROUBLING ME. I SAID I JUST DIDNT FEEL MUCH LIKE TALKING. THATS THE MAIN REASON WHY I DECIDED NOT TO COME OUT AND TO LET WILLOW COME OUT INSTEAD. ANYWAY, I SAID, I THOUGH YOU WOULDNT CARE WHETHER I CAME OUT OR NOT. I DIDNT THINK YOU’D EVEN MISS ME. SHE SAID THAT WASNT TRUE, AND THAT SHE DOES MISS MY INPUT WHEN I DONT COME OUT AND TALK TO HER. I FELT COMFORTED KNOWING SHE CARES, AND MISSES ME. IT FELT NICE TO BE THOUGHT ABOUT AND IT FELT GOOD THAT SHE CARES. WE DID TALK SOME AND I TOLD HER I HAD SPOKEN TO OUR FRIEND ABOUT THE OVERDOSE, BUT THAT I HAD TO CALM MYSELF BEFORE DOING IT, AS I WAS REALLY ANGRY. SHE SAID SHE KNEW THAT FROM THE EMAIL I WROTE TO HER. I WAS RAGING, SHE SAID SHE NOTICED HOW THE ANGER LITERALLY BLEW UP, AND GOT OUT OF CONTROL VERY QUICKLY. I SAID I NOTICED THAT TOO. WE DISCUSSED THE ANGER FOR A BIT. I HATE TALKING ABOUT ANGER. I JUST FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE DOING THAT. LIKE I AM NOT USED TO ALLOWING MYSELF TO LET THAT LEVEL OF ANGER OUT OR SHOW. BUT IM GLAD WE TALKED IT OVER. SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO CONTINUE EMAILING HER THIS WEEK. I SAID I WOULD. WE MADE A DEAL THAT I’D COME OUT AGAIN DURING NEXT WEEKS SESSION AND WE’D TALK SOME MORE AND MAYBE DO SOME WORK ON THE RAGE. I AGREED TO THAT. I FEEL AS IF I’VE HAD A PRODUCTIVE SESSION TODAY THOUGH.
so i feel a little bit anxious. am anxious about tomorrows therapy session.
i always get like this before a session, especially one after a therapy break. I wonder and wonder how it will go.
A lot of insiders have really struggled during this break, including me.
I guess we should start with how hard we found it to manage over the break. Part of me is dying to talk, part of me like meh I dont want to.
Logically I know its really the right thing to do. After all what is therapy for if it isnt to talk through the hard stuff?
I do know though that I need a hug. A big bear hug! I am gonna ask eileen for one the minute I see her!
I feel like shit. I cant stop crying.
the pull towards suicide is so strong. I wont do anything, but god do I want to. I really fucking want to tonight.
I don’t know where this suicidal stuff and feelings came from. I was ok earlier. more than ok.
right now I long to be wrapped in my therapists arms.
embraced in her warmth and love. embraced in a safe hug with her.
its late…almost midnight. I should go to bed. I should switch off for the night.
but I cant. I am feeling so overwhelmed. im in a state of sadness, insecurity, fearful, overwhelm.
This is the pain of attachment, its raw, its ugly, its horrendous.
I think I need to go read. Do something other than overthink. Other than wish. Other than cry.
Good night world
IM SITTING HERE AT ALMOST HALF PAST MIDNIGHT THINKING. YEAH A DANGEROUS THING FOR ME. THINKING ALWAYS LEADS TO TROUBLE. TRUTH IS THOUGH I HAVE A TON OF SHIT ON MY MIND. ITS ALL TO DO WITH THIS UPCOMING HOLIDAY THAT EILEEN AND DR. BARRY ARE TAKING. I KNOW WE DID THE PIECE OF WORK TODAY AROUND PUTTING MEMORIES IN A BOX. THATS ALL GOOD. BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR FUCKING FUCKED UP ATTACHMENT DISORDER AND ATTACHMENT INSECURITIES? TRUTH IS THERE ARE A LOT OF US, INCLUDING ME, WHO ARE FEELING IT. FEELING A SENSE OF DOOM ALREADY. A SENSE OF ABANDONMENT. EVEN THOUGH NO ONE HAS ACTUALLY ABANDONED US. FUCKING ATTACHMENT PAIN, SUCKS. REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. I HATE HAVING AN ATTACHMENT DISORDER. I HATE THE FACT THAT WE ARE RELIANT ON OTHERS. I SWORE I NEVER WOULD RELY ON ANYONE. BUT THE TRUTH IS I DID. I GREW TO TRUST BOTH EILEEN AND DR. BARRY. AND NOW I FEEL SAD AND AFRAID AND ALONE WHEN THEY GO AWAY. I HATE IT. I DONT WANT TO FEEL THESE THINGS, BUT I CANT HELP IT. THE DAMAGE IS DONE. I ALLOWED THEM IN. I INVESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIPS. IM NOT SORRY. I JUST HATE THE EMOTIONAL SIDE OF THINGS. I KNOW ITS A LITTLE BIT OF A CONTRADICTION ISNT IT? OH WELL, WHO FUCKIN CARES. CONTRADICTION, A WALKING CONTRADICTION THAT IS ME. ANYWAY. WHAT WAS I TRYING TO SAY, BADLY. THAT I’M FEELING AFRAID, ALONE, INSECURE, SCARED. YES ALL OF THESE THINGS. I FEEL THEM TONIGHT. AND I CANT SLEEP. AND THAT IS WHY COFFEE IS MY FRIEND. COFFEE AND THE RADIO. AND MY BLOG. AND MY LAPTOP. UG. IS ANYONE ELSE UP? AND AWAKE?
I WISH I COULD HIDE AND NOT GO TO THERAPY
I AM LOST. MY WORDS ARE FAILING ME
I FEEL LIKE I CANT SPEAK. I WILL JUST GO AND SIT IN SILENCE WITH EILEEN. SHE’LL THINK I AM WASTING HER TIME.
WHY IS LIFE SO DIFFICULT?