my body reacts
it trembles and shakes
threatens to destroy me
its a big deal
it sure is
i hardly ever feel
and when i do
my feelings are full
of hurt and pain
fear and shame
guilt, oh the guilt
but she says its ok to feel
and so i will…
even if it threatens to kill…
feel i must
to go forward
and to heal
so we were back to therapy today. what a relief! it was such a relief to be back. was sooo happy to see eileen again.
there was a bunch of my sisters inside though who were angry. angry that she left us. angry that she came back and wanted us to work on stuff. angry that they had to go to therapy at all. they didnt want to go.
she asked if i’d be the spokesperson for us all. so i was.
we talked through the anger. that was hard. i get it that your angry at me for leaving you. i get that, she said softly.
do you? do you really get it? i do, she said.
do you think we could talk about the anger? nooo, we dont wanna, we cant, the words, they wont come, we cant…
slowly we tried though. and we did succeed at it eventually.
i told her how i’d been trying to email her stuff this week but couldnt find my words. but then today i was able to talk to her about it.
it felt like i was on my own this past two weeks, i said. i felt alone. i felt horrible. i wanted you there with me. but you werent there…you were gone…
i hate when your gone…
some of the teen insiders were in a strop. its as if you were never coming back, i said almost in tears. but i’m back now, clara. i’m back, i didnt leave, i know it felt like it but i’m here…i’m still here…
then i started telling her about my body. i wanted to punch out my arms, not at her, but just, to get the anger out. but i couldnt. my movements were stiff and cumbersome.
so i started to tell her about my body, how im 15, and my body inside, is totally different to my body when im out. i have so much energy inside, my movements are powerful, they are strong, i feel strong, but then, when i come out, and am out in the body, my movements dont feel as strong. my body reacts slower, i feel very slowed down, i certainly dont feel like im 15 when im out.
so we talked through all that. and then eileen had me do some body exercises, she practiced what she learned last week on me! i was the very first person she practiced her learning on! that felt so good!
so she had me walk through some exercises where i noticed my arms, the muscles in them, how they felt, what they were wanting to do, and then she had me do it, move my arms, punch out my arms, feel it, feel into it, and it felt sooo good to do it!
we are going to do some more work next week on it. but for this week she wants me to practice the exercises i did with her.
and she wants me to continue practicing my breathing. she said thats very important.
so yeah a good therapy session today!
SHE RESPONDED TO ONE OF OUR EMAILS. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS JUST WHEN TO RESPOND. OUR AGREEMENT IS SHE READS THEM AND DOESNT RESPOND, BUT SOMETIMES SHE BREAKS IT AND RESPONDS ANYWAY..LIKE NOW, AND WE LOVE HER FOR IT…
Hi All, Just to let you know I have received all the emails, and wanted to respond briefly. I really do get the various reactions and want to honour them. The anger the uncertainty the wanting to connect the wanting perhaps to push me away the curiosity the sense of abandonment the hurt….I have not left you behind I carry you all with me.
By the way I didnt forget about the book, I made a recording of it…but the playback was on slow and couldnt figure out how to rectify that…or send it! We will figure it out together.
FROM SENDING A PATHETIC EMAIL TO EILEEN WHERE I WHINE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT HER BEING GONE AND AM A SOBBING MESS OF ANGRY RAGE.
I SHOULDNT DO IT, IT WOULD BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. BUT WELL MAYBE I MIGHT ANYWAY?
im clara. im 15. i was the one who had most of our therapy session today. it started off badly. i was so angry. i hated having a therapy break. i hated that eileen was gone. it hurt and i hated it so much. but it was so confusing. i hated it, but i kinda rebeled. i didnt want anything to do with eileen, and then part of me wanted her too. that was the confusing thing. part of me desperately wanted to cling to her. but the other part, the part full of rage and anger, wanted to push her away and leave therapy. last night i asked carol anne to text her and cancel. she wouldnt. she wanted to go. but i didnt. i wanted to quit. i wanted to run away. far far away. i wanted to have nothing to do with eileen. i thought i hated her. i felt like i did. i even said so. so this morning she asked for me. she said she’d be willing to talk about whatever i wanted to talk about. and she respected my point of view and respected me. and she’d listen to what i needed to say. so i came out. i couldnt resist. but when i first came out i was very angry. i screamed at her. and ranted. and raged. my emotions were like a tornado. i was just in a total fit of rage. i threw stuff around. and eileen came over to me and she held me. she held me while i raged. and she kept saying soothing things to me. she said she gets it and she understands why im like this. i kept saying she didnt. i kept trying to get free from her grip. but she kept hold of me tight. she kept saying this is not the way to go about releasing anger. and that i needed to calm down and breathe. breathe? what the hell is that. i never was able to do deep breathing before. she kept telling me we’d try it together. so we did. and i was only able to breathe in for 2 and out for 3. she showed me how she was able to breathe in for 7 and out for 11. i couldnt believe she was able to do that. but she was. without any big effort either. she said it comes with practice. and when she first tried to do it she wasnt able to either. she asked me after i calmed down to practice breathing for the next week. i said i would. i did eventually calm down and we did talk. we talked about how hurt i was. how much pain i felt at the fact that we had a long break, and now we’ll be having another one because she has to go on a training course. she apologised for having to leave us again so soon. she said i could email her if i feel mad, she told me to just write what i am feeling, put words on it. and send it to her. she said she wont be able to respond to me. but she’ll read everything. at least i know she wont be able to respond so thats good at least cuz i wont be waiting for a response then. im glad i can write to her. that will help i think. she also asked liz and jade to support me. jade is our internal therapist. she does support all of us as much as she can. but yeah. it was a super intense session. that meltdown i had was so scary. it happens to me a lot though. especially when im on my own. when the anger takes over it feels so unmanageable. i feel so overwhelmed by it. eileen really understood my reaction though. she wasnt mad or anything that i was so mean to her and saying i hated her and did not want to be near her etc. she just was so understanding. she said in a way i was protecting the system. protecting them from being hurt again. because we’d been so hurt in the past. i suppose i was in a way. im glad i talked to her. it felt good to get it all out.
So my therapy break is over. tomorrow I go back to therapy again. For a week at least, then Eileen is off for a week because she is doing a course in body psychotherapy. But at least the easter break is finally over!
I’ve never been so happy! I missed eileen like crazy! The attachment pain was so bad these past two weeks. I know I didnt write a lot about it. I figured I wouldnt bore you all with it. Because, it was the same old story, we cried, we ranted, we missed her, we needed, we were emotional, we craved therapy, it was hell.
The little parts especially missed her. They cried a lot. They didnt understand not seeing her. They felt like she’d never come back.
But tomorrow, she will be back. Our safe person, our secure base will return. And probably we’ll talk about the attachment pain and the fact we really missed her over this easter break.
Just happy to have her back again. Feels nice. Safe. What a relief it is. Such a relief.
There are only 5 days left of my therapy break. 5 days until I see eileen again.
I miss her so much. I really fucking hate therapy breaks.
The pain of attachment bloody sucks. Sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.
This therapy break has been super hard. I’ve had such a longing for eileen all throughout it. We all have.
The kids have cried a lot. Hec I’ve even cried some.
Its been hell. Nice to know my attachment disorder is alive and well huh? Note my sarcasm.
I am glad I saw dr. barry during the break, but god I wish Eileen was here right now. I’d run into he r arms, hug her and never let go.
I want my safe person to come back! I know she’ll be back, I just wish it was now and not on Monday.