SO I DIDNT REALLY FEEL UP TO TALKING IN THERAPY TODAY. I DID EVENTUALLY TALK FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT ONLY WHEN EILEEN ACTUALLY ASKED FOR ME TO COME OUT. WHEN I CAME OUT SHE QUIZZED ME ON WHY I HADNT COME OUT WHEN SHE ASKED WHO WANTED TO COME FORWARD, SHE SAID SHE KNEW FROM MY EMAILS THIS PAST WEEK THAT I’D BEEN HAVING A TOUGH TIME, ANE MY ANGER AND RAGE HAD BEEN TROUBLING ME. I SAID I JUST DIDNT FEEL MUCH LIKE TALKING. THATS THE MAIN REASON WHY I DECIDED NOT TO COME OUT AND TO LET WILLOW COME OUT INSTEAD. ANYWAY, I SAID, I THOUGH YOU WOULDNT CARE WHETHER I CAME OUT OR NOT. I DIDNT THINK YOU’D EVEN MISS ME. SHE SAID THAT WASNT TRUE, AND THAT SHE DOES MISS MY INPUT WHEN I DONT COME OUT AND TALK TO HER. I FELT COMFORTED KNOWING SHE CARES, AND MISSES ME. IT FELT NICE TO BE THOUGHT ABOUT AND IT FELT GOOD THAT SHE CARES. WE DID TALK SOME AND I TOLD HER I HAD SPOKEN TO OUR FRIEND ABOUT THE OVERDOSE, BUT THAT I HAD TO CALM MYSELF BEFORE DOING IT, AS I WAS REALLY ANGRY. SHE SAID SHE KNEW THAT FROM THE EMAIL I WROTE TO HER. I WAS RAGING, SHE SAID SHE NOTICED HOW THE ANGER LITERALLY BLEW UP, AND GOT OUT OF CONTROL VERY QUICKLY. I SAID I NOTICED THAT TOO. WE DISCUSSED THE ANGER FOR A BIT. I HATE TALKING ABOUT ANGER. I JUST FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE DOING THAT. LIKE I AM NOT USED TO ALLOWING MYSELF TO LET THAT LEVEL OF ANGER OUT OR SHOW. BUT IM GLAD WE TALKED IT OVER. SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO CONTINUE EMAILING HER THIS WEEK. I SAID I WOULD. WE MADE A DEAL THAT I’D COME OUT AGAIN DURING NEXT WEEKS SESSION AND WE’D TALK SOME MORE AND MAYBE DO SOME WORK ON THE RAGE. I AGREED TO THAT. I FEEL AS IF I’VE HAD A PRODUCTIVE SESSION TODAY THOUGH.
so i feel a little bit anxious. am anxious about tomorrows therapy session.
i always get like this before a session, especially one after a therapy break. I wonder and wonder how it will go.
A lot of insiders have really struggled during this break, including me.
I guess we should start with how hard we found it to manage over the break. Part of me is dying to talk, part of me like meh I dont want to.
Logically I know its really the right thing to do. After all what is therapy for if it isnt to talk through the hard stuff?
I do know though that I need a hug. A big bear hug! I am gonna ask eileen for one the minute I see her!
I feel like shit. I cant stop crying.
the pull towards suicide is so strong. I wont do anything, but god do I want to. I really fucking want to tonight.
I don’t know where this suicidal stuff and feelings came from. I was ok earlier. more than ok.
right now I long to be wrapped in my therapists arms.
embraced in her warmth and love. embraced in a safe hug with her.
its late…almost midnight. I should go to bed. I should switch off for the night.
but I cant. I am feeling so overwhelmed. im in a state of sadness, insecurity, fearful, overwhelm.
This is the pain of attachment, its raw, its ugly, its horrendous.
I think I need to go read. Do something other than overthink. Other than wish. Other than cry.
Good night world
IM SITTING HERE AT ALMOST HALF PAST MIDNIGHT THINKING. YEAH A DANGEROUS THING FOR ME. THINKING ALWAYS LEADS TO TROUBLE. TRUTH IS THOUGH I HAVE A TON OF SHIT ON MY MIND. ITS ALL TO DO WITH THIS UPCOMING HOLIDAY THAT EILEEN AND DR. BARRY ARE TAKING. I KNOW WE DID THE PIECE OF WORK TODAY AROUND PUTTING MEMORIES IN A BOX. THATS ALL GOOD. BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR FUCKING FUCKED UP ATTACHMENT DISORDER AND ATTACHMENT INSECURITIES? TRUTH IS THERE ARE A LOT OF US, INCLUDING ME, WHO ARE FEELING IT. FEELING A SENSE OF DOOM ALREADY. A SENSE OF ABANDONMENT. EVEN THOUGH NO ONE HAS ACTUALLY ABANDONED US. FUCKING ATTACHMENT PAIN, SUCKS. REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. I HATE HAVING AN ATTACHMENT DISORDER. I HATE THE FACT THAT WE ARE RELIANT ON OTHERS. I SWORE I NEVER WOULD RELY ON ANYONE. BUT THE TRUTH IS I DID. I GREW TO TRUST BOTH EILEEN AND DR. BARRY. AND NOW I FEEL SAD AND AFRAID AND ALONE WHEN THEY GO AWAY. I HATE IT. I DONT WANT TO FEEL THESE THINGS, BUT I CANT HELP IT. THE DAMAGE IS DONE. I ALLOWED THEM IN. I INVESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIPS. IM NOT SORRY. I JUST HATE THE EMOTIONAL SIDE OF THINGS. I KNOW ITS A LITTLE BIT OF A CONTRADICTION ISNT IT? OH WELL, WHO FUCKIN CARES. CONTRADICTION, A WALKING CONTRADICTION THAT IS ME. ANYWAY. WHAT WAS I TRYING TO SAY, BADLY. THAT I’M FEELING AFRAID, ALONE, INSECURE, SCARED. YES ALL OF THESE THINGS. I FEEL THEM TONIGHT. AND I CANT SLEEP. AND THAT IS WHY COFFEE IS MY FRIEND. COFFEE AND THE RADIO. AND MY BLOG. AND MY LAPTOP. UG. IS ANYONE ELSE UP? AND AWAKE?
I WISH I COULD HIDE AND NOT GO TO THERAPY
I AM LOST. MY WORDS ARE FAILING ME
I FEEL LIKE I CANT SPEAK. I WILL JUST GO AND SIT IN SILENCE WITH EILEEN. SHE’LL THINK I AM WASTING HER TIME.
WHY IS LIFE SO DIFFICULT?
dr. barry said today that she wants us to come in next week, instead of in two weeks time. normally our apts are two weeks apart. they have been that way for a while. we used to go weekly. and after christmas we decided to try going bi weekly. its working ok, or i thought it was. but now i’m not so sure. i know our attachment issues kicked up a notch. we still feel insecure when she’s on vacation. or if we dont see her every two weeks. and with the recent suicidal stuff, i’m starting to wonder, if insiders wanted to do stuff to try to get her to see us more often again. today when she said that under the circumstances we should come back next week people were secretly happy. im not going to name names here but there were a good number of insiders who breathed a sigh of relief when she said that. so that makes me wonder? are we really ok seeing her less often? i dont think we are. i think its something we need to talk about with her. she cant really do anything about it, because she isnt able to sustain seeing us weekly, her clinic is too busy, she has a lot of patients. and we are the only one she sees regularly, all of her other patients are lucky to see her once a year, they have to deal with junior doctors, not us though, we always see dr. barry. that was recommended in our report when we were diagnosed with did. i knew our attachment issues were strong on this matter but i didnt think it was this bad. or maybe i did and i just ignored it. i’m starting to think there is a lot that i didnt know about the system. a lot i’m not so aware of. and i’m also learning that some of the older insiders, like willow, like liz, like wendy, insiders who i thought would never attach to either eileen or dr. barry are starting to really attach, and they feel abandoned, left alone, insecure when they dont see them for a while. i know thats not a bad thing. its just really really surprising. im going to make this issue a priority in therapy too. we need to discuss this going forward.
i feel a really strong pull to my therapist.
i know its the child parts. they want to be with her. they need her. hell i need her to. but somehow im feeling very vulnerable this morning.
trying best as i can to manage it. not easy but trying all the same.
attachment pain sucks. sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.
i can feel some very young parts surfacing. i’m trying to not switch out. because im in class. i cant really switch until im in the privacy of my room. its not safe.
think i’ll let the young parts email eileen. she’s always happy for us to do that. it might help them feel connected to know shes reading their words.