yep. i do. i hate them. they suck.
im feeling sad. i wish i did not have a 3 week therapy break. it is going to feel so long.
i’ve been listening to the recordings eileen made for us. and rereading old texts and emails.
our friend safiyah made us some rose scented soap to give to her as a christmas gift. but it will have to be after christmas when we give it to her because we dont see her now until january 8th. but thanks safiyah for making her card and gift for us.
attachment pain is the worst. it really really is.
i have this massive ache in my chest. i feel empty and lonely.
and i want to cry.
god damn therapy break, I hate you.
hi. its allie. and i wanted to write to say today i talked with dr. barry. for a long time. and it felt so nice. she maked me feel so good about myself. she listened. she made me feel like i was the only person who mattered in the world. we talked about spacing our apointments out to two weeks apart. and i told her i dont want to but liz and carol anne do. and im not the only one who dont want to, all of us kids dont. she understood. but she said its an opportunity to challenge some things. and to grow. and we need to do that challenge our attachment issues. she said shes not goin anywhere and that if she ever planned on going somewhere shed let me know. she said carol anne had told her last week she loved how honest she is with us. and that she believes in being honest. and so that is why she said she’d tell me if she was ever going anywhere. she said taylor was very honest with her last week about her feelings as well. so that made me want to be honest with her too. so then i told her about how im scared shell leave me. and i feelin abandoned even tho she hasnt gone no where. and i dont wanna space out apts out because what if it means i dont see her nearly as much. i will miss her! she said she isnt able to keep up the weekly appointments because of demands on her from other patients. but she said if we spaced outthe apts to two weeks apart that shed keep them like that for a while. so we are doin it. and im not happy. but i gess ill try it. see what happens. i showed her my new book. she loved it. its the new book carol anne bought us for eileen to read to us. its called today i feel silly and other moods that make my day. she kept apologising to me because she said the language she was using to explain the attachment stuff probably wasnt age appropriate for me. but that she knows eileen is better at dealing with that side of things and so she thinks itd be good if i talked with her. i told her what eileen said about feelings, that they dont be going to kill us. and that its ok to be how we are there no pressure to be any other way. i also told her that eileen said we are confused because her role and dr. barrys role are similar and that spacing them apts out might be a good thing cuz then itd give us a chance to see eileen as the mother figure and attach to her more so that we can heal our past. dr. barry said that thats probably a good idea because even though shes our psychiatrist our attachment to her is a different sort of attachment to eileen, and in some ways eileen is more important because the deeper work is being done with her.
it was a good session. im glad i came out. i hope i can again soon.
HI ITS ZOE
SO THIS MORNING I SAID I DIDNT WANT TO GO TO THERAPY. I WAS NERVOUS OF GOING? WELL I WENT. AND I’M GLAD I DID. I’M GLAD I DIDNT CANCEL. LIZ WOULDNT LET ME CANCEL. SHE SAID I NEEDED TO GO AND FACE MY FEARS. AND SO I DID.
WE TALKED ABOUT THE EMAIL I SENT HER. THE CONTENTS OF IT. SHE SAID SHE HEARD MY LONGING IN IT. HEARD MY PAIN AND THAT SHE KNOWS I AM HURTING. SHE SAID THE REASON SHE DIDNT RESPOND WAS BECAUSE CAROL ANNE MADE AN AGREEMENT WITH HER THAT SHE WOULD ONLY RESPOND IN AN EMERGENCY, AND ALSO, SHE WOULD NOT RESPOND TO ONE AND NOT ALL INSIDERS, BECAUSE THAT ISNT FAIR TO THE REST OF THE INSIDERS WHO ARE EMAILING.
I DIDNT KNOW OF THAT AGREEMENT. BUT IT MAKES SENSE. I FELT HURT WHEN SHE DIDNT RESPOND TO ME AND I TOLD HER THAT TODAY. SHE ASKED IF I FELT ANGRY. I SAID NO JUST HURT.
WE TALKED ABOUT HOW ITS BETTER TO TALK FACE TO FACE INSTEAD OF THROUGH EMAIL, ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS ABOUT STUFF TO DO WITH ATTACHMENT AND THINGS LIKE THAT. SHE SAID YOU GET MORE FROM FACE TO FACE CONTACT, LIKE THE PERSON IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU CAN HAVE CONTACT WITH THEM, THROUGH TOUCH AND FACIAL EXPRESSION ETC. SHE SAID WORDS ON A SCREEN CAN BE MISENTERPRETED AND ITS JUST NOT THE SAME.
I DO AGREE WITH HER ON THAT.
THEN WE TALKED ABOUT THE EMAIL. I HAD SAID IN IT THAT I MISSED HER AND WAS CRYING AND FELT REALLY DISSOCIATIVE. SHE ASKED ME HOW OLD I FELT WHEN I WROTE IT. I SAID MAYBE 3. SO THEN SHE HAD ME GO TO THAT 3 YEAR OLD PART OF ME AND SIT BY HER. SHE GAVE ME THE PULSERS AND WE WORKED FOR A WHILE WITH THE 3 YEAR OLD. WE TALKED THROUGH HER FEELINGS AND WE CRIED A LOT.
SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK TO THE PRESENT EVERY SO OFTEN, GROUNDING ME TO THE ROOM, TALKING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE NOW, THE COURSES I’M DOING, VOLUNTEERING, FAMILY STUFF, AND THEN SHE’D ASK ME TO FLASH BACK TO THE 3 YEAR OLD AGAIN.
IT WAS DRAINING WORK.
BUT I’M GLAD I WENT WE DID GET SO MUCH WORK DONE.
THERAPY IS SO HARD THOUGH.
I AM A WRECK. I EMAILED EILEEN LAST NIGHT IN DISTRESS. I THOUGHT SHE’D EMAIL ME BACK. SHE DIDNT. I FEEL REJECTED. I REALLY NEEDED HER TO EMAIL ME. I NEEDED HER REASSURANCE THAT I WAS GOING TO BE OK. WE’VE HAD SO MANY BIG CHANGES LATELY. ITS REALLY EFFECTING ME BIG TIME. I NEEDED TO HEAR HER TELL ME WE’LL GET THROUGH IT. AND THE CHANGES WONT KILL ME. BUT SHE NEVER EMAILED BACK, MAYBE I SHOULDNT HAVE EMAILED. I TOOK A RISK IN REACHING OUT. I SAID A LOT IN THE EMAIL. I WAS VULNERABLE. I HATE BEING VULNERABLE. I REALLY, REALLY DO. I FEEL SO CRUSHED THAT SHE NEVER RESPONDED TO ME. OVER 24 HOURS HAS PASSED NOW SINCE I SENT THE EMAIL. PROBABLY SHE WONT RESPOND TO ME NOW.
I’M SIRENA. I’M 13. I’M A DARK IN OUR SYSTEM.
TODAY IN THERAPY EILEEN ASKED FOR ME. SHE ACTUALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ME. I COULDNT BELIEVE IT.
I HAD EMAILED HER LAST WEEK IN DISTRESS. TELLING HER I QUIT THERAPY AND I WASNT GOING TO CONTINUE AND I WASNT GOING TO ALLOW OTHERS TO TELL HER THINGS.
SHE RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL AND SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO HEAR MY STORY. THAT I WAS IMPORTANT AND MY STORY WAS IMPORTANT.
THAT KIND OF FELWED TO ME…I AM NOT USED TO PEOPLE RESPONDING NICELY TO ME. I AM USED TO PEOPLE SAYING GO AWAY, OR GET OVER IT, OR JUST SUCK IT UP AND EAL…
SO THEN TODAY SHE ASKED FOR ME. AND I CAME OUT AND WE TALKED. AND YOU KNOW, I FELT VALIDATED. SECRETLY I WAS GLAD SHE ASKED FOR ME, BUT I’D NEVER ADMIT TO THAT. BUT I WAS REALLY GLAD IT FELT SO GOOD TO BE SEEN.
I FEEL LIKE A SOMEBODY, NOW.
SIRENA AGE 13
its emily again. i am so sad. i am hurting. i need eileen. i need her so much. i wish she knew i needed her. she’s probably still in bed. where we should be. i just need her to scoop me up in her arms. hug me and tell me its all gonna be ok, i’m gonna be ok. i dont feel ok. i feel sad. hurt. alone. abandoned. needy. vulnerable. lonely. so so lonely. i need her to reach for me. tell me how much she loves me. she doesnt say that to us. she has never said i love you. i wish with everything she would. maybe she does but she just doesnt say so. i want her to say it. i’m too scared to ask her. to scared in case the answer is no. too scared of her response. she says i can ask her anything. but can i? can i do it? ask her if she loves me and if i did, what would her response be? i need her right now i need a grown up to take care of me i need her wisdom and i need her love.
i’m feeling so much attachment pain right now.
i just want a cuddle from eileen. I am craving one and have been all evening.
Yes I can get one from her tomorrow, I know that, but I need her now, not tomorrow. I wish the hours would speed by so it was 10 AM tomorrow morning.
10 AM is our session time. And I cant wait.
i want to say to her tomorrow that i dont ever want her to leave me. that i dont feel secure at all in our relationship at the moment. why? because old triggers have come back.
they are threatening my stability and my sense of security and i dont like it. i want to tell her all this. but not sure i can. i’m too scared.
right now i feel hurt and ashamed and abandoned and emotional. i feel like i cant do this i cant feel this level of attachment pain.
but i dont have a choice. i cant phone eileen, she’s probably in bed. i did email her. and i decided to write here and reach out to my friends for support.
so if your reading this, and can offer any advice or suggestions, i’m all ears.