Nitro and aftercare

so next week we have aftercare with nitro, remember we were meant to have it before christmas? well the guide dog school just called me, and a trainer will be coming out to my house next Monday afternoon at 2 PM to review nitro, see how he is doing, and possibly chat about retirement, as he’s 8 now. I am so nervous. I am glad though that its actually nitros trainer who will be coming out, I know her, and she’s really nice. I know she will be kind, and I am delighted that it is her, and not someone I dont know doing it.
So this time next week I will know more, wish me luck guys!

Virus-free. www.avg.com

SO I WAS A TRIGGERED MESS IN THERAPY TODAY!

YES I WAS! AN ANXIOUS, TRIGGERED, DISSOCIATIVE MESS. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT! EILEEN WAS GREAT! SHE REALLY HELPED US TO GET THROUGH IT. SHE HELD US, WHICH FELT SO GOOD, AND WAS SO CONTAINING, SHE CAME AND SAT BY ME, HELD ME WITH HER HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF MY BACK AND SHOULDERS, IT WAS SO, SO SOOTHEING! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT I FELT SO LOVED, SO SUPPORTED, SO SAFE. IT REALLY FELT GOOD, INTENSE, BUT ALSO GOOD TOO.
WE FOUND A LITTLE ONE, ABOUT 8 OR 9, WHO WAS REALLY TRIGGERED, SHE WAS HAVING MEMORIES OF BEING IN DUBLIN, IN THE BORDING SCHOOL, SHE HOLDS A MEMORY OF WHEN WE HAD OUR NOSE BROKEN BY ANOTHER PUPIL, BASICALLY SHE HOLDS THE MEMORY OF BEING LEFT FOR DAYS WITHOUT TREATMENT, AND FEELING HORRIBLE AND UNCARED ABOUT, INVALIDATED AND UNIMPORTANT.
SO EILEEN HAD ME WORK A LITTLE WITH THE PULSERS, AND I HELPED HER BY MAKING HER A BEDROOM INSIDE, AND WE PUT HER IN THERE TO REST. RIGHT NOW SHE’S PETRIFIED, TERRIFIED AND VERY FEARFUL AND SCARED OF EVERYTHING, I AM SURE IN TIME THAT WILL CHANGE, BUT FOR NOW, SHE NEEDS TO REST. WE MANAGED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE PAST, OUT OF THE MEMORY AND OUT OF DUBLIN, AND NOW SHE’S IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER, CARED ABOUT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE’S SAFE AND OK.
SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP TOO FOR ME. I GOT FRUSTRATED AT BEING TRIGGERED, AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS, I THINK IT WAS MORE SOME OF THE OTHER TEENS THAN ME, BUT I WAS THE ONE HAVING THE SESSION SO IT MANIFESTED ITSELF IN ME BECOMING ANGRY, AND IMPATIENT, AND EILEEN REMINDING ME THAT ACTUALLY OUR FEELINGS ARE WHAT LET US KNOW WE’RE ALIVE, AND ITS OK TO FEEL THEM. ITS OK IF I AM A MESS, SHE’S HERE, NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHE IS HERE SUPPORTING ME THROUGH IT. THANK GOD FOR HER!
BUT YEAH, FELT WEIRD, I FELT SO ANXIOUS AT THE START, THEN WHEN EILEEN HELD ME SHE CONTAINED IT A LITTLE, BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, WHEN SHE TOOK HER HANDS AWAY TO GO GET THE PULSERS, I STARTED PANICKING AGAIN, LIKE, I NEEDED HER TO BE THERE TO CONTAIN MY ANXIETY AND FEAR.
SHE NEVER TAKES HER HANDS AWAY WITHOUT WARNING ME SHE’S ABOUT TO DO THAT. SO WHEN I STARTED PANICKING, SHE HAD ME TALK TO HER AND SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME WHILE SHE WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THAT HELPED A LITTLE. THEN SHE CAME BACK AND REPOSITIONED HER HANDS AROUND ME AGAIN, AND I FELT OK. WEIRD HOW IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT THOUGH.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION, BUT NOW I AM DRAINED, I FEEL SO TIRED, THINK I’LL GO READ, AND REST FOR A WHILE.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Anxious about therapy

have therapy in an hour. dont want to go.

feel so anxious about it. not sure what will come up today. dont want to find out.

just wish I could skp it altogether. Not wanting to face it. feel so overwhelmed. I’ll probably end up a sobbing mess on eileen. She’ll have to pick me up off the floor and I’ll be a crying dissociative mess.

insiders feel panicky and scared.

this is not good! Not good!

Ug I wanna run! Thats what I am hearing from inside!

Ug sigh!

Virus-free. www.avg.com

worry worry

I am so worried. I have so much on my mind. I feel so anxious.

I worry about volunteering, if I am good enough at it. I worry about whether my clients will be ok, I worry for them when I am not at work, I know I shouldn’t take my work home but I cant help it.

I worry about Nitro. He’s 8 now. He’s coming up for retirement. I hate that he has to retire. I mean I want him to live out his last years of life comfortably, but I don’t want to think about him dying, getting sick, etc. I worry constantly about that.

I worry about my mental health. I am very symptomatic right now. Very much so. I worry what if things don’t improve, what then?

I guess I am full of worries this morning. Its a lot to think about.

taylor i feel scared

it taylor. i fel sad. i scard. i no like nite time.
my hart is hurtin. is pounding. no like that. fels bad.
i got tok to eileen today. i like tok to her. it good.
we tok bout the growned ups cuz thay werent ther today
i brot us to therpy
but eileen says i shudnt do dat cuz im only six
so she said shed find the growned ups wif me
and she did
i bringed her insid wif me
and we found liz and jade
and dat was gud then cuz i was able to go inside then
to my room and not worry bout them all
eileen said she was sorry i dint getta be a kid
a litle girl like i shoulda been
she said that wasnt fair
i gess it wasnt
tonite i feling sad about remebering things
not like memories
i snuggle nitro
hes fluffy and warm
yay love him lots
taylor six

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Update

I feel somewhat better than I did this morning. I am distracting, its all I know what to do to help myself. I read for a while, then I went and talked to mom. Now I’ve eaten dinner and I am about to have a nice hot bubble bath to relax. I still feel low but I am a little better, the feelings arent all encompasing, they arent the only thing on my mind, of course, Nitro is helping too, snuggling him always helps me to feel better.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Puking dog!

Nitro is having a bit of a night of it. He’s heaving and trying to puke. I had to let him out in the back yard! I am hoping he wont actually puke, as I hate cleaning up dog vomit! Its so gross. I hope he is just feeling a little off but that he will be ok in a little while. He did vomit a little, but it was outside, thank goodness. I got him out before he actually puked. I just hope he’ll be ok now and thats the end of it for him and for me too! I really want him to be feeling ok, and feeling better again

Virus-free. www.avg.com