A tough day so far

having a really tough day here. went out, but had to come right back home again.
just wasnt coping. felt so anxious. and also feeling really tearful and depressed. think others feelings are blending in with mine.
thats always hard for me. its hard to entertain others feelings. the joys of being multiple i guess.
so i came home and went to bed. slept for a few hours, maybe 3. it was very fitful sleep though.
got up and ate. and now sitting in front of the computer staring at the screen. wondering what to do next, have so much to do, need to do dishes, not in the mood. need to make my bed, cant be bothered. need to empty the bins, dont wanna do it.
can you tell im having a bad day?

One thing I wish I could ask my mother is?

when you found out I was being abused, why didnt you automatically believe me?
why did you hesitate?
I know the nuns interrigated you, I know they tried to make out that I was the problem. I was the bad one.
But you were my mom. I was your little girl.
You should have believed me. You really hurt me by denying my truth. Its something I am not sure I can forgive you for.
I tried to, but I just feel so hurt by the invalidation, and you not believing me. It hurts right down to my core.
I know you believe me now, you’ve told me you do. But it doesnt make up for that 14 year old who just wanted her mom to hug her and tell her it would all be ok, that she’d be ok.

I WANNA TEAR OFF MY SKIN RIGHT NOW!

GAWD GUYS, I FEEL, LIKE, SHIT!
I WANNA RIP OFF MY ENTIRE SKIN! I CANT STAND IT!
THE ANXIETYS REALLY AND I MEAN REALLY FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW!NOT SURE WHY, NO CLUE, JUST, JUST THAT ITS FUCKING PURE HELL.
AND I CANT TAKE IT NOT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE!
I’M ALL OUT OF OPTIONS FOR COPING SKILLS, I’VE TRIED THEM ALL!
UG UG UG THIS FUCKING BLOWS!
LIZ

I have no words

I have no words right now. I am feeling very dissociative. Therapy today was hard. More on that later. For now I think I need to just relax and read, sit outside in the sunshine, feel the sun on my face, and just be. Breathe deeply, and try to get rid of this anxiety.
carol anne