THIS IS A SUCKFEST OF A NIGHT.
I SHOULD BE ASLEEP, ITS ALMOST 2 AM
INSTEAD I AM UP RUMINATING
I AM OVERTHINKING AND PANICKING AND ANXIOUS AND FEARFUL
I MADE MYSELF SOME COFFEE, PROB NOT THE BEST IDEA BUT OH WELL IT IS WHAT IT IS
I NEED COFFEE I NEED TO CALM DOWN AND COFFEE HELPS ME CALM DOWN
PANIC IS RINNING RAMPANT THROUGH THE SYSTEM
I WROTE EILEEN AN EMAIL TO TELL HER WHAT IS GOING ON
I THINK ITS TO DO WITH MEMORIES AND BEING SCARED TO SLEEP FOR FEAR OF NIGHTMARES
WE TOOK OUR MEDS EARLY AND ALL HOPING FOR A GOOD NIGHT OF DECENT SLEEP
GOD HAVING DID IS A SUCKFEST SOMETIMES
my anxiety is through the roof right now. i feel very emotional too. i woke up feeling that way.
i had some nightmares which were awful. i dreamt my dad left and i also dreamt my sister died.
it was horrible. when i woke up from the nightmares i couldnt move. all i could do was cry.
i eventually got up and let nitro out. its snowing outside. nitro doesnt really like the snow. i made coffee and now i’m feeling a little calmer but i still feel so anxious.
just another day in our crazy life i guess.
so we decided tonight to go downstairs to have a cup of tea. we have the facilities to make it in the apartment, but well, we dont take the time to really mix with others here in abode, so we decided to take the plunge tonight and go downstairs.
it went well. we sat and chatted with four of the other residents. we drank our tea and we were mostly ok. a little bit of anxiety creeped in but we forced ourselves to stay there for 30 minutes.
i call that a win. i’m happy it went well. maybe that will give us an incentive to go down more often.
my anxiety is building. i can feel my heart doing little jumps in my chest. and my hands feel clammy, my breath is shallow and i cant breathe deeply.
ug. i hate this feeling.
time for a cup of tea, I think.
I’ve already had a nice long hot bubble bath, and that didnt help any.
Cant put my finger on whats making me anxious though, which isnt helping.
ug, sigh, sigh sigh.
i went to bed early due to tiredness and now i have woken up after only 2 hours feeling so anxious. this is so not cool.
i took some meds and am trying to calm down.
one of the staff here came in to talk to me. i told her how i was feeling. she cant do much but at least i told someone.
i hate anxiety it leaves me feeling so vulnerable.
I’M JUST DONE FUCK LIFE FUCK EVERYTHING I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY MIND I HATE MY THOUGHTS I JUST…I JUST HATE IT ALL…HELP, SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE I KILL MYSELF…
CANNOT DO THIS CANT JUST CANT. DO IT ANY MORE.
so we saw dr barry yesterday. of course the first thing we asked her as she brought us down the hallways and in to her office was, did you survive the storm? then we had a long conversation about storm ophelia and she told me she lost power and was still without it and her kids were driving her crazy because they were bored, used to their techy gadgets and she said it was impossible to keep them amused. i asked her if she was working on the day of the storm, i was genuinely worried avbout her having to drive in it. but luckily she’d been off Monday and tuesday. it felt so nice to hear her talk about her life outside of work, her kids, etc. i love it when she gives us glimpses into her life, which she does often. we got on then to talking about us starting the ILS course on monday. she was saying how it was good it hadnt started last monday the day of the storm, otherwise it wouldnt have happened. she asked me if i was still anxious about starting. i said yes i am but i’m also excited. i’m trying to be positive. mom and dad gave me some advice, mostly they told me to think of this as a new chapter in my life and to try to think positively so that is what I am doing. i told her about getting a new pa. she was excited for me. we talked for a while about how change is so hard for us and how there are so many changes right now happening in our life. then she told me she hadnt yet managed to talk to the funders about our upcoming did assessment. she said last week just ran away from her, she’d been on call at the weekend, and so she hadnt had a chance to call her but that she would try her best to do it this week. and that was pretty much the gist of our session. it was a shorter one than usual because I had to rush off to get to the conference for noon. we made another apt for next week, i’ll be seeing her a little later next week because the transportation service at the ILS course will be taking me to my apt.