i had set my alarm for 7 AM. but i woke at 6:30 AM. i decided to go online and read blogs and catch up on posts until 7 then I will get up and shower and start my day.
i am wondering what weight I will be when I see Karen this morning. i feel like i never make much progress. i’ve gone to her for almost a year and still i am more or less the same weight. i lost a couple pounds but nothing significant.
i’m sure she is disappointed that I am not making progress. if she is though she didnt say anything to me. she keeps it to herself.
i was thinking last night and i decided that i would go to the gym more often so that i can get more exercise. maybe that will help matters.

stressed a little bit

so i have an apt tomorrow morning with my gp, except i dont get to see my own gp, i have to see his wife, who i dont really know. this has me a little sttressed out. i think she’ll be nice. all i need is a letter to say i am fit to return to college. however i dont know if the hospital faxed my paperwork to my gp’s office, or if they just wrote a letter and posted that. if the just wrote, the letter probably wont be there by tomorrow morning. so that means i’ll have to try to explain everything all my symptoms and the illness to my gp’s wife. thats ok but i hope i can do a good job if i have to do that. i’m a little anxious in case i leave something important out. i’m also anxious about having to ring my tutor at college tomorrow morning. she wants me to come in before i start back to discuss the skills demonstration parts of the upcoming module. this module is something to do with communications its very theory based. there is a big theory exam for it and then some other skills demonstrations of using different technologies like twitter, facebook, youtube, skype, etc. i can manage to use them all but i will have to create new accounts for the school side of it which is kinda daunting to me. i alreadey use all these services under my own accounts but we arent allowed to use our own accounts for the skills demonstrations. so the tutor wants to discuss how best to proceed and what we need to do so i can participate in these to the same level as everyone who is sighted. then also tomorrow i have to call dr. barrys office to try to get an appointment for this coming wednesday. i really hope i can get one as i havent seen her in two weeks. i really need to see her. i’m hoping when i explain things to her secretary that she’ll talk with dr. barry and then dr. barry will fit me in because she knows i rely on my appointments and they are a valuable source of support to me. i also see eileen tomorrow after two weeks of no therapy. i am looking forward to my session immensely. so all in all its going to be a particularly busy Monday.

An hour with Dr barry

Yesterday we had our dr. Barry appointment. The clinic was packed when we got there. Our apt was at four but we got there an hour early. Still we didnt get seen till 4:30.
We talked about a lot. We figured out that the reason we were feeling so unstable after the weekend was because there was a cult holiday on Monday, st. Brigids day. No wonder we felt so triggered.
We talked to Dr. Barry about the fact that the abusers just made us feel like an object. This makes us angry but also so sad. She listened and was very sympathetic.
We talked about therapy last week. About object constancy and how we’d worked with Eileen on the attachment stuff and worked with younger parts around feelings associated with that. We told Dr. Barry that we’d been talking to some friends and they’d mentioned maybe having something, an object, to help us feel connected to Eileen when she isnt available to us. We need to mention this to her today.
We talked about anxiety and the lyrica not doing anything to combat that. Dr. Barry wants to increase it. She really is a fan of the lyrica because she said its a good option considering we’re epileptic so she wants us to increase it and then if it really isnt working she said we do still have options and there are other things we can try. Buspar is one med. Other than that its a low dose of an antipsychotic but we are nervous to try them because we have had such bad reactions to so many of them. She doesnt want to give us benzos. She said she doesnt want to be the one responsible for us having an addiction problem. I had to laugh at that because it seems kind of funny, your psychiatrist being the one responsible for making you addicted to something. She was laughing too but she said you’d be surprised how often that actually happens.
We talked about college and I said I would think some more about whether I wanted to actually go back or not. I told her I would trash it out with Mark the OT. She said it would be a good idea to do that and she said Mark will be able to really help me figure out what I want to do. She kept telling me that its ok just to be good enough, that I need to lower my expectations of myself, she said I put way too much pressure on myself to do well which I know I do.
Other than that we just talked about family stuff, my dads and uncles health problems, and my worries about my dad. I also asked her to ask Karen the social worker to follow up with making some phone calls about getting me extra support which she said she’d do.
I will see her again next Wednesday.

Just a boring old Friday

i didnt sleep very well last night. thats always a worry. when i dont sleep for a couple nights i tend to get worse mental health wise. i tried to nap earlier today without much success. i had stayed at mom and dads last night. mom was babysitting my sisters little boy this morning. so napping was pretty much out of the question. i did try as i said but couldnt fall asleep and ended up watching tv on my phone. i’m pretty anxious today. something is being triggered for me not sure what though its still very unclear. i just have anxiety and feel pretty emotional. i was supposed to go out to the basement club this morning but at the last minute i changed my plans. i decided i’d be better off staying put since my sleep was off. at least this weekend i am staying home and i only have to go out tomorrow morning with my pa. mom said she’ll have my sister drop my dinner to me on sunday so that will be nice and means i can lay around all day if i choose to do that. tomorrow i need to go get dog food and go grocery shopping. i’ve been trying to eat more healthily again. it isnt going very well. part of me doesnt care but the part of me that struggles with food issues emily is freaking out. emily is 12 and counts calories is a health nut and wants to diet and not eat or throw up. so far we havent but its come close a few times. she cant stand that we’re so fat. of course while we were in hospital we ate nothing but junk food because the hospital food was so disgusting. part of it is comfort eating too i think. its hard when some parts want icecream and chips and candy and soda all the time. its not easy to say no. maybe we need to do some more work around that in therapy. there seems to be so much to work on in therapy. we will get there, slowly but surely.


gingerly my fingers move
i’m afraid to make a sound
my body trembles and shakes
i think i’ll fall to the ground
as i type i’m aware
of anxiety and triggers
slowly it gets worse
as my body shivers
i open my mouth
but no sound comes out
vulnerable and weak
i let my breath out
try as i might
to call out for help
none comes
and i say to myself
this too shalll pass
my therapists words
i replay and replay them
as my mind starts to blurr
i start to dissociate
and my head spins
i try to remind myself
i’m safe, and its safe to feel

monday on the ward was a drama filled day

so yesterday I had an up and down day. the morning went well. i got up and had a shower and got dressed. i went to a peer support group where we discussed anxiety and managing it. that group was good. i liked it. but after the group things went to hell in a matter of minutes.
i started having severe flashbacks. where i could feel a penis in my mouth. i was gagging and wanting to throw up. i layed on my bed for a while. but they wouldnt go away. i was crying by this stage and a student nurse sat talking to me for a while. i ended up telling her about the abuse and stuff. she seemed shocked at what i told her but i had to tell someone. i couldnt eat my dinner. i felt like i could throw up at any second. we also were having tactile hallucinations. of bugs crawling on us and of blood being poured all over us. it was horrible.
i just wanted my team. i begged them to let me see my own team, a doctor who was on call saw me crying and came over and said he’d contact them for me but he couldnt promise anything because monday is the outpatient clinic day and they may not come down to the ward afterwords. And they didnt. the anxiety got worse and worse. i was agitated too. basically crying a lot and just a mess. the night staff decided to get the doctor on call to see me. they’d already given me a prn of lyrica which wasnt helping.
the doctor on call was Mary Wall who is on dr. Barrys team. She was a nice doctor. I didnt end up seeing her until 1 AM. She let me talk and she even asked who she was talking to. that was nice it means she’s clued in.
she gave me some ativan to tide me over until dr. barry sees me today. I barely slept. I got a couple restless hours of sleep. Its horrible not to be able to sleep.
Sooo thats where things aare at. I’m not in a good headspace.

incident on the ward and seeing our psychiatrist

I’m still struggling with ptsd and anxiety. Despite this though I went to two groups today. One was on character building. That one was interesting. We talked about our strengths and the leader gave us a list of strengths and I could see a lot of them in myself. The second group I went to was called the ABC’S of behaviour. We talked about triggers, what precipatated behaviour, why it occured, etc. I liked the group. It made sense to me.
In the afternoon after the groups I was laying on my bed minding my own business. The next thing I knew a lady from my ward came over and smacked me in the face. It hurt a lot. I cried. She really shocked me when she did that. It was so unprovoked and out of the blue. We were switching like crazy but one of the kids managed to run to the nurses station crying and tell them what happened. It was then we found out that the very same woman had hit another lady in our ward this morning. This woman, the one who keeps hitting is dr. Barrys patient too, and both of us that she hit were also dr. Barrys patients.
I told Dr. Barry about it and she apologised for it. She said that even though the lady is unwell there is no excuse for that sort of behaviour. She asked me if I’d overheard her saying to dr. Barry I hate you I hate you, and I had heard her say that yesterday. Dr. Barry was able to laugh about her saying she hated her but she was only saying that to me as an example of how unwell the lady actually is.
On dr. Barry, I saw her this afternoon. She didnt have the whole team in with her, just one nurse Laura. Laura is one of dr. Barrys key nurses. I like her so I didnt mind that she was in my session. When Laura came to get me she tried to have me leave nibbles behind on the bed but our littles were having none of it. When dr. Barry saw us she said oh, you have your trusted bunny with you. lol.
She’s decided to add a med for sleep. So starting tonight we’ll be taking that. She’s also increased our lyrica from 75 MG three times a day to 100 MG three times a day. She says we can go up as far as 600 with the lyrica. I told her how I felt the ativan had done nothing for us. She said she’s kinda glad because she doesnt want to go down the road of introducing benzos into our regime of meds. She said she will give us a PRN of lyrica if we need it so that is available to us. She is going to push our injection forward to next wednesday, a week earlier than planned. She’s also prescribed some inhalers and a cough bottle for our chesty cough which doesnt seem to be going away.
She’s teaching tomorrow but said she’ll pop in to see us in the afternoon. I hope she doesnt forget.
We’ve barely eaten anything today. Emily was out a lot and is struggling with food issues. We ate some toast for breakfast and a yogurt for lunch and another yogurt for dinner.
Its been a hectic day on the ward. I hope there wont be any more incidents.