monday on the ward was a drama filled day

so yesterday I had an up and down day. the morning went well. i got up and had a shower and got dressed. i went to a peer support group where we discussed anxiety and managing it. that group was good. i liked it. but after the group things went to hell in a matter of minutes.
i started having severe flashbacks. where i could feel a penis in my mouth. i was gagging and wanting to throw up. i layed on my bed for a while. but they wouldnt go away. i was crying by this stage and a student nurse sat talking to me for a while. i ended up telling her about the abuse and stuff. she seemed shocked at what i told her but i had to tell someone. i couldnt eat my dinner. i felt like i could throw up at any second. we also were having tactile hallucinations. of bugs crawling on us and of blood being poured all over us. it was horrible.
i just wanted my team. i begged them to let me see my own team, a doctor who was on call saw me crying and came over and said he’d contact them for me but he couldnt promise anything because monday is the outpatient clinic day and they may not come down to the ward afterwords. And they didnt. the anxiety got worse and worse. i was agitated too. basically crying a lot and just a mess. the night staff decided to get the doctor on call to see me. they’d already given me a prn of lyrica which wasnt helping.
the doctor on call was Mary Wall who is on dr. Barrys team. She was a nice doctor. I didnt end up seeing her until 1 AM. She let me talk and she even asked who she was talking to. that was nice it means she’s clued in.
she gave me some ativan to tide me over until dr. barry sees me today. I barely slept. I got a couple restless hours of sleep. Its horrible not to be able to sleep.
Sooo thats where things aare at. I’m not in a good headspace.