all over the place

i am all over the place tonight. i feel pulled in so many directions. my emotions are so overwhelming, everything feels huge and insurmountable.
my sleep is still all over the place. i slept earlier this afternoon and evening so now i cant. its past midnight here and i just made some coffee and put the radio on for company. it will hopefully drown out the thoughts in my head that i am having of cutting and overdosing.
i really hate nights like this. i have a busy day tomorrow. in the morning my public health nurse is calling to check on my absesses. They have gotten a lot better so I am glad about that.
then in the afternoon we have therapy. it will be interesting to see how therapy goes. we need to talk about the anxiety we are dealing with about getting a part time job. we are hoping to do that soon but there is a lot of internal conflict in the system about it.
our home help will also be here tomorrow afternoon to help us cook dinner. mom and my sister came over this afternoon with our dinner which was nice. usually i’m at our parents on sundays but this weekend i stayed home. it was nice to just get dinner brought to us. mom also cut the grass and cleaned up the dog poop in the yard while she was here.
the same girl from the weekend mental health team called me today too. she only stayed on the phone for a couple of minutes, asking me the same few questions that she asked me on saturday. the call was pretty useless which were about my sleep, suicidal thoughts, meds etc. i plan on telling dr. barry that i didnt find her helpful. it really depends on who is on duty as to whether the staff are helpful when they call or not. i mostly was irritated by her and so didnt find the check ins helpful at all which really sucks as i needed them badly this weekend.