questioning

i have a question for all of my readers. I am really struggling and I wonder if others ever struggle with this like i do?
do you find it hard to talk in therapy? like, when you get very emotional, do you find it hard to describe to your therapist what is wrong or going on for you?
I do.
And I dont know how to change that or how to be more open and feel safe enough to say what is wrong.
Its so difficult.
Anyone else feel like I do and if you have any ideas for me on how to change things please let me know?

I miss dr. Barry

so its been 3 weeks now since i have seen dr. barry. i really miss her. i’ve seen her on a weekly basis for the past 2 and a half years. its so hard when things get in the way of having an appointment with her. this time it was my illness that got in the way. it also happened to be easter during that time. eileen was on holidays and i was relying on dr. barrys support. because i was ill i missed two weeks, and then the third week i was going back to college and the only appointment she was able to give me was for 12 noon and i couldnt justify getting the time off so i didnt take it. i feel like i really need her and am really looking forward to our appointment this coming week. the younger insiders are anxious to talk to her. especially allie and taylor and lexi. i’m not sure if they actually will talk to her but maybe. what i do know is we have a lot to catch up on. a lot to talk through. i plan on talking to her about how much i have missed her. feeling very disconnected from her hurts. i am wondering if she missed me too? probably not as much as I have missed her.

Incredibly triggered

feel incredibly triggered. not sure what this is all about. my head hurts and my heart is racing. my hands feel incredibly shaky and i feel cold. so very cold. the wind is howling outside and the rain is beating off the windows. usually rain beating off the windows is not a triggering sound but tonight for some reason it is. i want to scream but only silence comes out. my voice is lost, i cant find my words. i think i need to explore this more in therapy tomorrow.

Morning

i had set my alarm for 7 AM. but i woke at 6:30 AM. i decided to go online and read blogs and catch up on posts until 7 then I will get up and shower and start my day.
i am wondering what weight I will be when I see Karen this morning. i feel like i never make much progress. i’ve gone to her for almost a year and still i am more or less the same weight. i lost a couple pounds but nothing significant.
i’m sure she is disappointed that I am not making progress. if she is though she didnt say anything to me. she keeps it to herself.
i was thinking last night and i decided that i would go to the gym more often so that i can get more exercise. maybe that will help matters.

stressed a little bit

so i have an apt tomorrow morning with my gp, except i dont get to see my own gp, i have to see his wife, who i dont really know. this has me a little sttressed out. i think she’ll be nice. all i need is a letter to say i am fit to return to college. however i dont know if the hospital faxed my paperwork to my gp’s office, or if they just wrote a letter and posted that. if the just wrote, the letter probably wont be there by tomorrow morning. so that means i’ll have to try to explain everything all my symptoms and the illness to my gp’s wife. thats ok but i hope i can do a good job if i have to do that. i’m a little anxious in case i leave something important out. i’m also anxious about having to ring my tutor at college tomorrow morning. she wants me to come in before i start back to discuss the skills demonstration parts of the upcoming module. this module is something to do with communications its very theory based. there is a big theory exam for it and then some other skills demonstrations of using different technologies like twitter, facebook, youtube, skype, etc. i can manage to use them all but i will have to create new accounts for the school side of it which is kinda daunting to me. i alreadey use all these services under my own accounts but we arent allowed to use our own accounts for the skills demonstrations. so the tutor wants to discuss how best to proceed and what we need to do so i can participate in these to the same level as everyone who is sighted. then also tomorrow i have to call dr. barrys office to try to get an appointment for this coming wednesday. i really hope i can get one as i havent seen her in two weeks. i really need to see her. i’m hoping when i explain things to her secretary that she’ll talk with dr. barry and then dr. barry will fit me in because she knows i rely on my appointments and they are a valuable source of support to me. i also see eileen tomorrow after two weeks of no therapy. i am looking forward to my session immensely. so all in all its going to be a particularly busy Monday.

An hour with Dr barry

Yesterday we had our dr. Barry appointment. The clinic was packed when we got there. Our apt was at four but we got there an hour early. Still we didnt get seen till 4:30.
We talked about a lot. We figured out that the reason we were feeling so unstable after the weekend was because there was a cult holiday on Monday, st. Brigids day. No wonder we felt so triggered.
We talked to Dr. Barry about the fact that the abusers just made us feel like an object. This makes us angry but also so sad. She listened and was very sympathetic.
We talked about therapy last week. About object constancy and how we’d worked with Eileen on the attachment stuff and worked with younger parts around feelings associated with that. We told Dr. Barry that we’d been talking to some friends and they’d mentioned maybe having something, an object, to help us feel connected to Eileen when she isnt available to us. We need to mention this to her today.
We talked about anxiety and the lyrica not doing anything to combat that. Dr. Barry wants to increase it. She really is a fan of the lyrica because she said its a good option considering we’re epileptic so she wants us to increase it and then if it really isnt working she said we do still have options and there are other things we can try. Buspar is one med. Other than that its a low dose of an antipsychotic but we are nervous to try them because we have had such bad reactions to so many of them. She doesnt want to give us benzos. She said she doesnt want to be the one responsible for us having an addiction problem. I had to laugh at that because it seems kind of funny, your psychiatrist being the one responsible for making you addicted to something. She was laughing too but she said you’d be surprised how often that actually happens.
We talked about college and I said I would think some more about whether I wanted to actually go back or not. I told her I would trash it out with Mark the OT. She said it would be a good idea to do that and she said Mark will be able to really help me figure out what I want to do. She kept telling me that its ok just to be good enough, that I need to lower my expectations of myself, she said I put way too much pressure on myself to do well which I know I do.
Other than that we just talked about family stuff, my dads and uncles health problems, and my worries about my dad. I also asked her to ask Karen the social worker to follow up with making some phone calls about getting me extra support which she said she’d do.
I will see her again next Wednesday.

Just a boring old Friday

i didnt sleep very well last night. thats always a worry. when i dont sleep for a couple nights i tend to get worse mental health wise. i tried to nap earlier today without much success. i had stayed at mom and dads last night. mom was babysitting my sisters little boy this morning. so napping was pretty much out of the question. i did try as i said but couldnt fall asleep and ended up watching tv on my phone. i’m pretty anxious today. something is being triggered for me not sure what though its still very unclear. i just have anxiety and feel pretty emotional. i was supposed to go out to the basement club this morning but at the last minute i changed my plans. i decided i’d be better off staying put since my sleep was off. at least this weekend i am staying home and i only have to go out tomorrow morning with my pa. mom said she’ll have my sister drop my dinner to me on sunday so that will be nice and means i can lay around all day if i choose to do that. tomorrow i need to go get dog food and go grocery shopping. i’ve been trying to eat more healthily again. it isnt going very well. part of me doesnt care but the part of me that struggles with food issues emily is freaking out. emily is 12 and counts calories is a health nut and wants to diet and not eat or throw up. so far we havent but its come close a few times. she cant stand that we’re so fat. of course while we were in hospital we ate nothing but junk food because the hospital food was so disgusting. part of it is comfort eating too i think. its hard when some parts want icecream and chips and candy and soda all the time. its not easy to say no. maybe we need to do some more work around that in therapy. there seems to be so much to work on in therapy. we will get there, slowly but surely.