Calm and distract

Things we’ve done to distract

Made some tea


Listen to music

Watch TV

Cuddled with nitro

Sorted out some of our files on the hard drive

Wrote some poetry

Ate some food

Nothing is working

Anyone got any other ideas?

In panic mode now

Don’t know what to do

Flashbacks are awful, nightmares, flashbacks, really really bad

Types of depression

Some types of depression are caused by situational instances, while others are caused by chemical imbalances. To help you better understand what you may be feeling, here are the types of depression:
Major Depression
Two weeks or longer
Feeling depressed most of the time, or most of the days of the week. Loss of interest or pleasure in your activities, weight loss or gain, trouble sleeping and/or feeling sleepy during the day, Feeling restless and agitated, or else very sluggish and slowed down physically or mentally, being tired or without energy, Feeling worthless or guilty, trouble concentrating or making decisions, thoughts of suicide.
Persistent Depressive Disorder
Two weeks or longer
Not eating enough, or eating too much. Sleeping too much or too little, lack of energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, trouble concentrating or making decisions, and feeling hopeless.
Bipolar Disorder
Someone with bipolar disorder, which is also sometimes called “manic depression,” has mood episodes that range from extremes of high energy with an “up” mood to low “depressive” periods.
When you’re in the low phase, you’ll have the symptoms of major depression.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Seasonal affective disorder is a period of major depression that most often happens during the winter months, when the days grow short and you get less and less sunlight. It typically goes away in the spring and summer
Psychotic Depression
Hallucinations, Delusions, and Paranoia
Postpartum Depression
Women who have major depression in the weeks and months after childbirth may have peripartum depression.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
Women with PMDD have depression and other symptoms at the start of their period. Mood swings, irritability, anxiety, trouble concentrating, fatigue, change in appetite or sleep habits, feelings of being overwhelmed.
‘Situational’ Depression
This isn’t a technical term in psychiatry. But you can have a depressed mood when you’re having trouble managing a stressful event in your life, such as a death in your family, a divorce, or losing your job. Your doctor may call this “stress response syndrome.”
Atypical Depression
This type is different than the persistent sadness of typical depression. It is considered to be a “specifier” that describes a pattern of depressive symptoms. If you have atypical depression, a positive event can temporarily improve your mood. Other symptoms include: increased appetite, sleeping more than usual, feeling of heaviness in your arms and legs, oversensitive to criticism.

and another day comes around

morning everyone
not much sleep was gotten last night. i finally fell asleep at about 4 AM. i woke again at 7 30 because nitro was awake and wanting to go out. so i got up and let him out, and then i just decided to stay up. its a kinda cold day here today, but at least its not raining, like it was yesterday. its about 2 degrees c. but the sun is shining so thats something at least. i’m heading home from my parents today for a few days. will probably stay home until sunday and then come spend new years with my parents. i have a bit of college work that i need to do over the weekend. i have a 2000 word assignment to write, its a community project review, i also have to start writing my journal of learning, i’ve kinda been bad at that for a while now letting it slip and now i have a lot to catch up on, thank god i have notes to remind me what we covered. i have another 10 days off before going back to the ILS course. I am glad i have this time off. i might go to the basement club for a few days, because they havent seen me in about 8 weeks. i’m sure the staff are wondering where i am. i dont think it opens again now until next tuesday. but i’m not sure. i cant believe christmas is all over for another year. it comes and it goes. very quickly. all that hype and then its over within a day. oh well, i enjoyed it this year. i wasnt too unstable either which was nice.
carol anne

stillnot asleep

well im still awake. still anxious. still having flashbacks, still emotional, stil stil still…ug ug ug sigh.#

i cant cope with all this turmoil. i feel edgy and agitated. angry and just stressed out. someone shoot me please? then i wont have to deal with all this shit?

anxiety, be gone

crashing. crashing hard. oh god. anxiety i hate you. i fucking hate you damn it.
go away. go away and leave me be. just when i want to sleep, you appear. get lost.
i’m not up for a night of trauma and anxiety and ptsd symptoms.
fuck sake, guys. hate this shit.
carol anne

i’m scared she’ll be mad at me

its emily. i got to see dr. barry today. and i’m scared. im scared shell be mad. last week at the assessment she said i dont take my meds because i dont want to get bettter. that upset me. because thats not why i dont like meds. and its not why i dont take them right. i dont like them because i have had a lot of icky things happen with meds. first of all we were drugged. during the abuse we were drugged. and now when i take meds they make me feel strange. and so i dont like them. they make me tired, and not able to think clearly. another reason is i took a lot of overdoses before. and now when i go to take meds i want to throw up. i want to puke and puke. and i cant swallow them. its to hard. i have to tell dr barry all of this today.

and shell probly get mad. and i dont want her to.
im scared shell get mad and leave. shell say im bein a brat.
im so scared. i love dr. barry and i want her to like me.

i dont want to be the kid who does bad things, that make us sicker.

i just want a hug from dr. barry. a hug and for her to say i get it and i understand.


am i sane?
who knows
who cares
its a feeling
that feeling of intensity
it makes me uneasy
people tell me
its ok, your ok
so why dont i feel it then?
instead i feel
weak, to scared to speak
curious to know
if i did
what would come out
afraid, afraid to shout
make a sound
feeling like i could drown
its a terrifying feeling
to be terrified
i just, i just
hell i am not sure what I want any more!