so i just got home from seeing dr. barry. we had a good apt. we made aplan. i told her we are having a horrendous time of it with flashbacks, high anxiety, intense episodes of highs and lows, suicidal urges, etc. she said she didnt think it was my mood, but more like my emotional state, my emotions are all over the place, and she said its all related to the distress i am going through with the RA dates, and easter, and our birthday next week. So she decided to bring me back into hospital next week. so the plan is for me to have the weekend service this weekend, see dr. barry next wednesday which is our birthday, and then go in to hospital either on wednesday if a bed is available or on thursday if not on wednesday. it all depends on whether a bed will be available or not as to when i get to go in. i’ll only be staying in there for a week. i’ll be discharged on friday the 28th, have the weekend service again that weekend, and then go to respite on the tuesday. i’m much happier knowing there is a plan in place. it takes a load off my mind. dr. barry is going to be away the week after i come into hospital, so she said she will leave instructions for her junior doctors. it sucks that she’ll be away but i do know she needs a break. she said the junior doctors can handle things, and if any decisions about my meds or anything need to be made there will be a consultant there to help them out. they’ll do a ward round on the tuesday and thursday and karen who is the social worker will be with them so at least I’ll know her. I just feel safer knowing i wont be alone, and that I’ll be in hospital at that time. Dr. barry apologised to me that the weekend team never contacted me last weekend. She said it was totally unacceptable and she was going to follow up why that happened and if the referral went in or not r got lost or what not. so now i only have to get through this weekend, but i think i’ll be ok, i’ll be at my parents for most of it. its great that dr. barry gets how difficult things are for me. she’s really good and I’m so lucky to have her. she’s in my corner always. Thanks to her I’ll be safe in hospital next week and our birthday will not be so triggering.
after i wrote last night i went to bed. i figured there was nothing else to do just go to sleep. maybe my mood would be better when i woke this morning. and it was.
i got up at 7. let nitro out and stuff. made some coffee. and now i’m just chilling out waiting for this new pa whose covering for kristen this week to come.
i hope she will be good at her job. i’m kinda nervous about working with her. i just dont like change. i’m used to kristen and i dont know this girl at all and maybe she’ll do things differently i mean probably she will. and its a little nerve wracking.
i have to go grocery shopping this morning. i’m wondering will she be good at calling out to me what is on the shelves and stuff. the different brands and stuff i mean. so i cah can choose what to buy. kristen is very good at that. so hopefully this girl dolores will be too.
anyway thats it for now. i’ll post later and let everyone know how it went.
its 5 Am and I’m still up. I cant sleep. I’ve been on the internet, because lying there thinking, was just not good for me mentally. My thoughts were racing. I was thinking god, I should have drank tonight. Then I’d have slept. Now I’m wide awake. And the likelihood is I wont sleep. My mood is starting to dip. Whether its just the coming down from a high, I dont know. But I am starting to overthink, catastrophise, my mind is starting to go to dark places. Is there ever a reprieve from the torment? I really think not. I think too its the fact its night time, its dark, and I am the only one in the house awake. Even the dog is sleeping peacefully beside me. Its lonely. And there is that little bit of fear too. Fear of the night and all it brings. Fear to go to sleep. Fear in case I’ll have nightmares, or flashbacks. Fear that is crippling. God this never ends!
If anyones around I could use a hug.
woke up really early today, like it was i think about 4:30 am! couldnt get back to sleep no matter how hard i tried.
tried going online for a while looking at email and blogs but couldnt concentrate so decided i’d make coffee. that still didnt keep me alert so i lay back down and tried to sleep.
my friend rose texted at about 6:45 AM to wish me good luck for my weigh in today so i decided to call her. so we talked for about an hour and a half. she’s been a very good friend to me. she’s a member of the basement club, she has anxiety and bpd and deals with suicidal ideation also.
my pa kristen came at around 8:30. we drove to see karen and then afterwords we were going to pick up my prescription for the new injection. when i got to karens helen the clinic nurse was there and she was asking me if i had the depo because she ws going to give it to me if i did. i told her the dr. hadnt wrote out the prescription yet but that i’d be collecting it today.
we collected it after my appointment but the pharmacy has to order it so they wont be able to deliver it to me until tomorrow at the earliest. i probably wont get it until next week at this stage. i think the fact that i dont have it in my system is effecting me a lot. my mood is all over the place. i feel low and despairing and suicidal at times.
after collecting the injection we came back to my house and kristen cooked a spaghetti bolognes for me. i’m going to have that for dinner today and i froze two portions as well. she also vacumed and mopped my floors, did some ironing, and went to the store to get milk for me.
now i’m at the basement club. its pretty quiet here right now, not many members are in. its coming up to lunch time so i’m sure it will get busy soon. we have the independent living group at 2 PM today. I think we’re going to be focused on personal care and presentation. It should be interesting. Some of the members dont take good care of their appearance and struggle with that. Hell I even struggle with that too sometimes. Sometimes I dont shower every day if I am depressed. Or I dont brush my teeth every day. I have to be reminded.
Follow your inner moonlight, don’t hide the madness”
I constantly am hiding. And I hate having to do that.
I want to be able to say, hi, my name is, and I have dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd. I want to be able to tell this to people. But there is so many misconceptions about did and mpd in the media that i cant.
If I do say something, most of the time I get a reaction like, wow, fascinating. Or really? You have did? Wow! Are you like sybil?
Or even if I just say to someone I struggle with mental illness, hurtful things are said like, so your mad? I am not mad. I am a human being just like you, I struggle and I cant help that.
I am trying to heal every day. i am trying my best. I will embrace my illness and hope that some day I can break down stigmas surrounding multiplicity and trauma. Its why I write this blog.
i’m having a good morning. i’ve been reading. i’m almost done with the new cathy glass book nobodys son. well i have about 8 chapters left. i’ll probably be done by tomorrow then i can review it. its a great read. i didnt sleep well last night. it was about 4 AM by the time I went to sleep. then i kept waking up. i tossed and turned for the remainder of the night. finally i got up when mom called me because she’d made toast. that was around 9:30. I took a nice hot bath which felt really good. My friend Norma rang about 10 and asked if I wanted to come over later on today. So I said yes. So thats what I’m doing for the afternoon. It will be nice to catch up with her. We have a lot in common she is blind like me and has mental health difficulties. I was going to go home to my own house when I was done in Normas but then I decided to come back to mom and dads until tomorrow. My home help thats covering is on holiday this week. So I dont have anyone. Thats ok, I can manage, its only a few days. Normally my home help helps me cook dinner. Thats what I have her for is to help me with my meal prep. tomorrow is therapy day. I’m a little apprehensive. Last week we processed a memory. And that was good. I suppose I’m just apprehensive because I dont know where we’ll go this week. I havent anything planned to bring up. I’m just going to wait and see what happens.
I wrote this poem to my psychiatrist at age 18. I had been just diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. This poem is going into the creative writing booklet the basement club are launching in a few weeks time.
To my psychiatrist
doctor tell me, what do you see
what do you see when you look at me
am i just another patient
just another case
just another name without a face
you just write me a prescription and go on your way
not even listening to what i have to say
one day i’m borderline, the next i’m depressed
you give me some valium so i can get some rest
sedating me wont get rid of my pain
and it wont stop the hurt from returning again
i know that you dont have a lot of time
but i also know that you cant read my mind
a 5 minute chat every time that i call
isnt going to help me much at all
underneath this mask that i wear
is a real person who needs to know that you care
i need to know that there is hope for me
that maybe some day i’ll be medication free
i dont expect you to hold my hand
but i need you to try and understand
i just want to have a normal life
i want to become a mother and wife
most of my problems stem from my past
and once i work on these
i’ll be free at last
i can hold an intelligent conversation
i understand what is happening in the nation
don’t diagnose me from a book on your shelf
please dont classify me with everyone else
i’m not crazy, stupid or slow
i probably know more than some doctors know
i’m going to finish college and get a PHD
i’m going to make it, you wait and see
i need your help now if i’m going to survive
i need your help now to stay alive
so if you’ll just help me a little bit
i know together we can conquer this