i’m anci this morning. i cant sit still.
i’m awake since 2 AM. and now i feel agitated. dont really know why. just feeling it and its irritating me.
i am frustrated. i just want a day where i feel normal.
i got up and got dressed and now i’m drinking tea.
i think its gonna be a long day.
I AM SO DEPRESSED I AM NUMB I FEEL DEAD MY MOOD IS FLAT I CANT COPE WITH THIS IT FEELS AWFUL I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO POINT NO HOPE NO POINT IN ANYTHING NO POINT IN LIVING NO HOPE NO HOPE FOR A FUTURE NOTHING NOTHING AT ALL I FEEL DEAD DEAD AND JUST WANT IT ALL TO END
PIXIE AGE 21
EVERY DAY AT THIS TIME I FREAK OUT
ARE YALL ENJOYING MY SERIES ABOUT THE T’S I OWN?
anxiety is so high right now.
do i, pop a pill, or ride it out?
what’s it to be?
my body feels like its on fire. i have this tingly burning feeling in my arms and legs. its horrible. i know its due to anxiety.
ok i should just take the meds and go to bed?
can I scream?
TO MY ABUSERS
FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE WHAT YOU DID. I WANT TO CUT OFF YOUR DICKS, YOUR TONGUES, YOUR BALLS…YES I WANT TO MAKE YOU HURT AND SCRAM OUT IN PAIN AND I WILL LAUGH MY DAMN ASS OFF. YOU ARE ASSHOLES, ALL OF YOU. YOU DONT DESERVE TO LIVE. YOU DESERVE A SLOW AND VERY PAINFUL DEATH. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THE KIDS YOU HURT? INCLUDING ME? NO, PROBABLY NOT. YOUR SELFISH MOTHERFUCKERS SO NO YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELVES. YOUR ALL ROTTEN TO THE CORE. DESPICABLE HUMAN BEINGS. SOME DAY YOU WILL FACE JUDGEMENT WHEN YOU DIE. AND I HOPE WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE TORTOROUS FOR YOU. YOU HAVE LEFT ME WITH A LIFE TIME OF HEALING. PTSD, DID, ANXIETY, NIGHTMARES, ERATIC SLEEP, DEPRESSION, YES A LIFETIME OF FUCKING TRAUMA. YOU ARE DISGUSTING EVIL LOWEST OF THE LOW HUMANS. GO, FUCK YOURSELVES, FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME AND FOR ROBBING INNOCENT KIDS OF THE CHANCE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.
this weeks been very hard. having no therapy session wasnt good.
but if i am honest, i was happy in a way. why? because i didnt want to face the hard stuff. i wanted to run away and hide from it.
eileen sent me a text on tuesday. she said she’d recieved some emails and did i want to talk. i called her back and we did talk. but she was a little bit upset with us.
she said we are pushing her away. and then sending emails to tell her things after we’ve been distant with her and what is that about?
she challenged me and i was so uncomfortable. i said i didnt expect a response. that i didnt know why we’d sent them really.
she said its like we’re setting her up. because when she gets the distressing emails, what is she to do with them? since we’ve made an arrangement that she doesnt respond to emails outside of session unless its an emergency.
the fact that we werent in session this week, she said she couldnt gage how we were and what was going on for us.
so yeah. we had a frank discussion and she said its very important to talk this through on monday during the session.
I’m nervous. I hate it when we fight. We’re not really fighring but it feels uncomfortable. It feels like she’s mad at us but she said she isnt.
FEELING ALL EMOTIONAL. WANTING TO GIVE UP. WANTING TO JUST SLEEP BUT CANT. SO TIRED, SO DAMN TIRED. FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE. SWIMMING AND STRUGGLING TO TREAD WATER…