FUCK IT I AM DONE I AM SO OVER SHIT NIGHTS AND SHIT DAYS FLASHBACKS THEY ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I’M SO DONE WITH THEM OH MY GOD SO SOOO DONE SO OVER THEM I AM JUST IN A RAGE I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS HOW DARE THEY TAKE SO MUCH FROM ME MY CHILDHOOD MY INNOCENCE MY SPIRIT BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKERS I STILLL HAVE MY DETERMINATION AND I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I STILL HAVE FIGHT IN ME AND GOD BUT YOUR NOT GONNA WIN THIS WAR I WILL WIN IF I HAVET TO DO A LOT TO TAKE YOU DOWN THEN I WILL YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS FIGHT YOU HAVE HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR FAR TOO LONG NO MORE NO MORE YOU HEAR ME? FUCK OFF, GO TO HELL, JUST LEAVE US ALONE ALL OF YOU ABUSERS, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, TRAUMA, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
I AM ANGRY. I AM ANGRY AT THE MAN WHO TOOK SO MUCH FROM ME IN MY CHILDHOOD.
AT HIM WONT MAKE HIM SEE WHAT HE HAS DONE. HE DOESNT CARE. THATS HARD TO SWALLOW. HE IS A THIEF, ROBBING ME OF MY INNOCENCE.
AT HIM, PENETRATING HIS SOUL WITH MY ANGER WONT DO ME ANY GOOD. I WONT HEAL, AND HE WILL STILL WIN.
I WILL NOT CHOOSE TO STAY ANGRY. I WILL NOT CHOOSE
INSTEAD I CHOOSE TO HEAL
YES I KNOW…
I FEEL A LOT OF THINGS RIGHT NOW…
ITS LIZ AND I DECIDED TO WRITE ABOUT OUR THERAPY SESSION TODAY. WE HAD A PRETTY LOADED SESSION. 3 OF US WERE OUT DURING IT. IT WAS SORT OF A SWITCH FEST LOL. THERE WAS ME, WENDY AND THEN CAROL ANNE FOR ALL OF 2 MINUTES AT THE END. WE’VE HAD A PRETTY HARD FEW DAYS. WENDY WAS CONTACTED BY A PAST ABUSER LAST WEEK. HE WANTED HER TO GO MEET HIM AND SHE ALMOST DID. LUCKILY AT THE LAST MINUTE SOMONE ELSE INSIDE PERSUADED HER TO TURN AROUND AND GO BACK HOME. AT THIS POINT SHE WAS IN THE TAXI AND ALL ON THE WAY TO MEET THIS GUY. IT WAS ALL JUST VERY SCARY. WENDYS JOB BEFORE DURING THE ABUSE WAS TO BE SEXUAL AND COME OUT WHILE THE SEX WAS HAPPENING. SHE IS STILL PULLED TOWARDS THOSE SORT OF BEHAVIOURS. SHE KNOWS ITS DANGEROUS BUT ITS AN AUTOMATIC REACTION FOR HER. SHE ISNT DOING IT TO PUT US IN DANGER OR TRY TO BE NASTY AND MEAN. SHE REALLY CANT HELP IT ITS KIND OF INBUILT INTO HER MIND TO JUST ACT AND REACT. SO EILEEN AND HER TALKED TODAY ABOUT IT AND WENDY GOT VERY UPSET AND WAS CRYING. SHE ASKED EILEEN WHY IT WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS MESSES UP AND EILEEN REASSURED HER THAT SHE HADNT, THAT SHE DIDNT ACTUALLY MEET THIS GUY, SO THAT WAS GREAT PROGRESS BECAUSE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO SHE WOULD HAVE JUST GONE TO MEET HIM AND SHE WOULDNT HAVE CARED WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES WERE. SHE HAD A VERY VULNERABLE MOMENT IN THERAPY TODAY WHEN EILEEN AND HER WERE TALKING. EILEEN KEPT SAYING SHE WAS HERE FOR HER AND WANTED TO SUPPORT HER AND WENDY WAS SITTING THERE KIND OF NOT KNOWING HOW TO TAKE IN THE LOVE AND SUPPORT BECAUSE SHE ISNT USED TO IT. THEN SHE WAS LIKE I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONNECT WITH YOU EILEEN AND THEN EILEEN CAME OVER AND SAT NEXT TO HER AND HELD HER HAND. SHE KEPT REASSURING HER YOUR OK YOU’LL BE OK I AM HERE. WENDY HAD BEEN FEELING SUICIDAL OVER THE WEEKEND. EILEEN AND HER TALKED THROUGH HER FEELINGS ABOUT THAT TODAY AS WELL. I ALSO HAD TO TALK TO EILEEN BECAUSE I GOT VERY ANGRY TOWARDS WENDY AND I WAS REALLY MEAN TO HER BECAUSE I WAS PISSED THAT THIS GUY HAD CONTACTED HER AND I WAS EVEN MORE PISSED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO GO MEET HIM AND PUT US ALL IN DANGER OF BEING ABUSED AND HURT. SO MY ANGER GOT THE BEST OF ME AND I SCREAMED AND SHOUTED AND RANTED AT HER. I CALLED HER A BUNCH OF NAMES AND I TOLD HER THAT SHE COULD DO WHATEVER SHE WANTED THAT I DIDNT CARE, BUT THE TRUTH WAS OF COURSE I CARED, SHE IS IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE I AM IN CHARGE OF HER AND I WAS FEELING BAD THAT I COULDNT MANAGE MY SYSTEM, I COULDNT KEEP CONTROL. THAT WAS THE MAIN REASON I WAS ANGRY AND I DISCUSSED THAT TODAY WITH EILEEN. EILEEN HAD ME DO SOME EXERCISES TO SHAKE OUT THE ANGER OUT OF MY BODY. I STOOD UP AND MOVED ABOUT KIND OF LIKE DANCING AND EILEEN DID IT TOO. I USED MY ARMS AND SHOOK THEM OUT FLAPPING MY WRISTS AND STUFF, IT KIND OF FELT AWKWARD AT THE START BUT EILEEN SAID IT WAS TOTALLY OK TO DO IT. I TOLD HER I WASNT USED TO DOING IT AND SHE SAID SHE COULD SEE THAT. AFTER DOING THAT WE SAT DOWN AND WE DID SOME BREATH WORK TO RELEASE MORE OF MY ANGER. I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND HAD GREAT DIFFICULTY TALKING AND EXPLAINING HOW I WAS FEELING. EVENTUALLY I DID MANAGE TO TALK A LOT BUT IT TOOK ABOUT 15 MINUTES FOR ME TO COME AROUND. THERE IS A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME INSIDE, HER NAME IS LITTLE LIZ AND SHE IS 5. SHE ALWAYS TALKS IN THE THIRD PERSON AND ALWAYS ABOUT ME, LIKE, SHE WILL SAY LIZ IS MAD, LIZ IS TIRED, LIZ IS ANGRY, BUT SHE ISNT TALKING ABOUT HER SHE USUALLY IS TALKING ABOUT ME AND HER MAIN JOB IS TO WARN PEOPLE ABOUT MY EMOTIONAL STATE. TODAY SHE GOT ACTIVATED AND EILEEN WAS REALLY GOOD, SHE TOLD HER TO GO INSIDE AND REST AND SHE DID AN EXERCISE WHERE SHE TUCKED HER IN AND COMFORTED HER UNTIL SHE WAS CALM. IT WAS A PRETTY TOUGH SESSION ALL AROUND. I ASKED EILEEN IF WE COULD TALK ABOUT HER GIVING US A TRANSITIONAL OBJECT WHILE WE’RE ON RESPITE NEXT WEEK AND WHILE WE’RE ON BREAK, AND SHE SAID SURE WE COULD DO THAT. I THINK I’LL ASK FOR HER TO DO ANOTHER RECORDING WHERE SHE READS A BOOK TO THE KIDS. ITS VERY SOOTHEING TO US TO HEAR HER READ. WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT OUT OF SESSION CONTACT, SHE TOLD ME THAT IF I NEEDED TO TALK DURING THE WEEK TO JUST SAY SO IN AN EMAIL AND SHE’D RING ME BACK. SHE SAID ITS OK TO REACH OUT BECAUSE SOMETIMES I WILL NEED MORE CONTACT THAN JUST MY SESSION AND SHE IS WILLING TO OFFER THAT. I ASKED HER WHAT IF WE REACHED OUT TO OFTEN AND TOO MUCH AND SHE SAID WE’D TALK ABOUT IT BUT THAT SHE KNEW WE WOULDNT ABUSE HER OFFER. AT THE END OF THE SESSION SHE TOLD ME AGAIN TO TEXT HER IF I NEEDED ANYTHING AND JUST ASK HER TO CALL ME. ITS NICE TO KNOW I CAN DO THAT. SHE IS SO KIND TO OFFER OUT OF SESSION CONTACT. WE DONT EVEN HAVE TO PAY HER FOR IT. SHE DOES THIS OFF OF HER OWN TIME. SO YEAH PRETTY TIRED NOW PROBABLY WILL NAP FOR A COUPLE HOURS THIS AFTERNOON.
someone please help me. i am spinning out of control. emotions are washing over me, sad, anger, overwhelm, distress, anxiousness, every emotion is hitting me at top speed. i feel so alone and lonely. its 2:30 AM. dark thoughts are in my mind. go get a knife. cut. go take some pills. dont worry i wont do anything. that is why i am reaching out here. i am hoping that people will be up and awake and someone will talk to me. the kids are scared and some are mad. allie and jessika already wrote about their anger at karen leaving. other kids like lexi and taylor are crying and afraid. they are afraid that everyone we love will leave us. its just a mess. if someones up and awake we could use a friendly word of encouragement right about now.
i’m also mad at karen leaving its so unfair i love karen she is so nice she is funny and gets things done and i dont want a new social worker i want karen to stay so there this sucks i am angry and i just want to say f you to te world i wont say the sware word because little kids here is watching me type this and they might get enfluenced but i am raging and eileen better not quit on us otherwise i will never talk to anyone ever again ever i am worried dr. barry might say she has to leave then id cry for sure because shes my bestest doctor ever and i never ever ever want her to leave us
allie im 9
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.