my name is nikki. i am 17. today i talked for the first time in therapy.
i have extreme anger issues. i was so angry when i spoke with eileen.
i couldnt help myself. the anger was just coarsing through my body. eileen was great though. she helped me with the anger. she was ok with me being mad at her, she said she wasnt surprised that I was, that I probably used anger as a survival technique.
She asked me after a while if I wanted to work with the pulsers and do some processing and tracking of the anger in my body. i said i would try it out. i’ve never done work with the pulsers before. so it was hard for me to get used to them.
but i did it. i am proud of myself that i did it.
we just did some work with the sensations that were coming up in my body in response to the anger. that was so hard. i felt like standing up and running as fast as i could out of the room. eileen kept telling me i was doing really good and that I was ok. that its normal to want to run. that my body was going into flight mode.
she had me stand up just to see what would happen, my feet couldnt stay still, neither could my arms. i was agitated. i was squirrely. and very unsteady on my feet.
i had to sit down again after a couple of minutes of standing up.
After we worked with the pulsers and I released some of my anger, we just talked. I talked to her about the darks. explained a lot about us to her. about how we are always struggling, we can never just have fun, we always are fighting to just get through the days in one piece.
she was very understanding. she said she thought I was very up in my head today. and so she gave me some homework, she wants me to walk this week, walk in the park, and become aware of my feet, pay attention to them, connect with them and really notice them.
I had to laugh at that, that seemed very odd to me, but I promised her I would do it.
I’m glad I had some time with her today. I felt so much better afterwords. And now I am actually not feeling bad tonight. I feel good. I dont feel angry. i dont feel like I am in a fit of rage. I just feel content. Happy even, feels good to me to feel like that, makes a change.
as some of you are aware I have to get taxi’s a lot. Every week I get a taxi to slimming world, and usually it is a relatively straightforward process.
A few times lately though I’ve had a driver who was extremely rude. He was smoking an Ecig in the car, which is against the law. He was taking me out of my way, going all the long way around and then charging me extra for the fare. He was driving eratically and then blaming everyone else on the road for his bad driving.
Last week when he overcharged me again and drove eratically for not the first time, my pa said she didnt feel safe getting in the car with him any more.
she asked me if she could call the taxi firm. I said she could.
so she called them. apparently this guy has been in trouble with the firm in the past. people have complained him. he’s been brought into the office and had a talking too.
so I was like well if thats the case why didnt they fire him?
Anyway he will no longer be picking me up. and the boss in the company said I could have my next taxi fare free of charge. So tonight I dont have to pay on the way to slimming world.
I’m glad my PA did what I couldnt do. I was too scared to complain him. I didnt want to make trouble even though he was clearly in the wrong.
I’m just glad its sorted out now and there will be no further incidents.
word of the day for today is…. conniption.
that is me right now. having a conniption. a canary. yes. i’m raging. i’m irritable. i’m agitated. i’m angry. angry at life. angry at the unfairness of things. why do I need to feel so badly? why do we need to always struggle? Life is so unfair. I’m really fighting anger. I want to scream, shout, pound the table I’m sitting at. My having a canniption is just me trying to release my feelings I know, but god, its scary! When rage takes you over, its hella scary!
I dont want to sit with it! I want it to go away!
But the word canniption? Isnt it a great word?
It says I’m raging! I’m struggling! I’m raging and this is not good!
I hope I can calm down soon. Another cuppa maybe?
WELL THERE GOES ANOTHER PEACEFUL NIGHT.
DAD GOT ANGRY AND THEN HE WENT OFF TO BED LEAVING MY MOM SITTING ON HER OWN WATCHING TV.
WHY DO WE DO IT? PUT OURSELVES IN THIS SITUATION?
THE SITUATION OF BEING TRIGGERED BY HIS ARGUING AND MOOD SWINGS?
ALL THIS BECAUSE I WAS MAKING TEA, AND HE DIDNT WANT ME TO DO IT, HE WANTED MY MOM TO MAKE IT FOR ME, SHE TOLD HIM I COULD DO IT MYSELF, AND THEN HE WENT OFF ON ONE BECAUSE HE SAID I’D LEAVE THE KITCHEN IN A MESS.
FFS! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!
OK SO HES BEEN DRINKING, AND IS A LITTLE DRUNK, BUT SO WHAT IF I’D HAVE LEFT THE KITCHEN IN A BIT OF A MESS, WE’D HAVE TAKEN CARE OF IT IN THE MORNING.
TALK ABOUT OCD TRAITS!
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE JUST SO OR ELSE!
I FEEL SORRY FOR MY MOM, SHE HAS TO LIVE WITH THIS ON A CONSTANT BASIS, ON A DAILY BASIS EVEN.
ITS LIZ. I AM REALLY NOT OK. IM NOT COPING.
MY GOOD FRIEND DEB MADE ME A LIST OF WORDS THAT SHE SAID MIGHT DESCRIBE HOW I AM FEELING…THANKS DEB, IT REALLY HELPED!
SO HERE I GO, I WILL ATTEMPT TO DESCRIBE MY EMOTIONS AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW…
I FEEL CRAZY, IRRITATED, ANNOYED, UNLOVED, CROSS, ANGRY, PISSY, OVERWHELMED, FURIOUS, UNHAPPY, GUILTY, ASHAMED, JEALOUS, INSECURE, UNMOTIVATED, SAD, FRUSTRATED.
IS THAT ENOUGH?ENOUGH THAT YOU NOW REALISE I AM A HOT MESS?
WELL I AM! DAMN!
SPAMMERS, FUCK THE HELL OFF. GO TO HELL. IM SICK OF YOUR SHIT. KINDLY PISS OFF. OR I’LL KICK YOUR GOD DAMN ASS.
WHILE WE’RE AT IT?
ABUSERS, YOU CAN GO TO FUCKING HELL TOO. IM DONE WITH YOUR SHIT. DONE DEALING WITH YOUR BULLSHIT. WANT TO CONTINUE TO HARRASS ME? GO FOR IT, YOU’LL BE SO SORRY YOU DID THOUGH. MESS WITH ME, YOUR MESSING WITH THE WRONG GAL.
whose to blame
she always feels this way
not just today
but every damn day!