There is a really bad storm at the moment. Its been going on all night long. It eased for a while earlier but now it seems to be getting worse again. Its rain and wind and yucky weather. When I went to let Nitro out this morning he looked at me like I was nuts. He did not want to go out in that weather! I woke up at 4:30 AM and I turned on my heating it was so cold. I decided to leave a couple minutes early for college so that I could try to avoid the traffic. Unfortunately that didnt work. We ended up caught in traffic. I think the rain and wind made the traffic worse. I really need to work on my portfolio for team work this morning. Its due next Thursday and I still have a lot to do to finish it. I’m going away for the weekend to Dublin just for a break with family so I need to get as much as possible done before I go. I’m looking forward to the weekend. I feel like I need the break to recharge my batteries.
I’ll be seeing Dr Barry today. And I am so nervous. The truth is doing up the police report last time really triggered us. And I need to talk to her about that. And part of me screams no. I dont want to. I want to forget it. I dont wanna go there. But I cant forget it. The report is real. And soon it will be sent to the police, and my info will be out there. And there is no hiding from that. I need to let Dr Barry know how suicidal parts were because of the report. How just having info about our diagnosis, and our current difficulties going out to people that dont know us very well, is so scary to us. I know she’ll understand. So why am I so scared to talk to her about it? Why does it feel so risky? She has done an awesome job with the report. She wrote it in a way that makes things real but also portrays us well. I guess its just the realness of it. The fact that now these strangers know things about us, about our life, about where we’ve been…it just somehow feels bad or wrong or not ok. I wonder if she’s sent it in yet. Its the doing of it, and then the waiting for what will happen next, its all just so overwhelming. I think the best thing to do today is just blurt everything out to her. And take it from there. Dont hold back, easier said than done. I think what I need to remember is that she is on our side. She wants us to be able to trust her and talk to her and she will do what she can to help us feel safe. Deep down I know that and I do believe it.
I’ve realised something tonight. I cant sleep unless I am absolutely exhausted. If I am upset, or triggered, then I dont sleep either. I really think I have that non 24 sleep disorder. I’ve heard of other blind people who have it. Well I think I probably have it too. I called my therapist earlier. I was emotional and unstable and feeling very unsafe. She teaches on Monday evenings so she didnt respond right away to my text. I knew she wouldnt and I was ok with that. I knew when she was able to respond she would. And she did. On her way home from her lecture she called. And we talked and it was so reassuring to hear her sootheing voice. It immediately calmed me. We talked for about 15 minutes. She told others inside not to flood me and to try to hold on until Thursday and she’d talk to them then. That reassurance seemed to reach everyone inside. Since the call we are all feeling much more secure and stability has returned. Now if only sleep would come? Its 3 AM. I have to be out the door to go to college at 7:45 AM this morning. I really doubt I’ll sleep tonight. So probably will just go make some tea and read up on blogs for a while.
Even though I have a later start. I still hate Mondays. I dont start college until 10:30 so I should like them. But no. I ended up not doing much yesterday. Which sorta annoyed me because I feel I should be taking all the opportunites I have to enjoy my weekends. But remember I said on Saturday night I was feeling triggered and it was a weird night and I didnt sleep? Well I made up for that yesterday afternoon. I slept most of the afternoon. But well I suppose I needed the rest. I had dinner at my parents then headed home to my own house and just slept. Mom was going to my aunts last night for drinks, and I was meant to be going but I decided I wouldnt bother. I didnt go last weekend either. I’m trying to get back to healthy eating again and so I didnt want to drink alcohol. I had a pretty unhealthy breakfast this morning though. Two sausage rolls which have puffed pastry on the outside of them. And a bottle of orange soda. So yeah, not very healthy. I havent seen my nutritionist in a few weeks and I really got off track in that time. I go back to her this Friday so I am trying to get back on track a little before then. I was worried about my exam that I did on Friday. I am hoping I did well on it but part of me thinks I might have made some mistakes and lost a lot of marks. I hope thats not the case though. i wont get the results for about two weeks. I’ll get the results of the exam and of my assignment at the same time. I am hoping I get a distinction on the module. Everyone was pretty quiet the last few days. The alters insiders I mean. I think everyone was feeling the effects of the tiredness and just wanted to chill out. The triggers around last week and the police report that Dr Barry did up seem to be less. I’m glad about that. It certainly makes life a lot easier to cope with.
therapy this week was chaotic. so much happened. ok where to start. we came in switchy and dissociative. taylor popped out and was very upset. she was crying and very triggered. she was trying to talk but kept crying and was unable to form words. eileen was very patient and sat with her and comforted her and asked her some questions. the thing is, i was nearby but i couldnt switch out with her. sometimes that happens. if one of us is out and upset, sometimes its hard to switch with someone else, you basically have to wait until the person whose upset calms down so that they can then step back from the front and allow another insider to come out. eventually taylor and i were able to switch places and i came out. it wasnt a smooth switch though, i was thrown into the body and it really jolted me. my head hurt and my neck was sore and i was thrown into all the emotional pain that taylor felt. so then eileen spent some time grounding me and orientating me to the present. we used containers and did exercises where we took things that were bothering me and put them in containers so that i could have some space to breathe. eventually when all that was done i was able to talk to eileen. i told her we were extremely triggered after talking with Dr Barry about the police report on Wednesday. since doing that we’d had suicidal insiders emerge, who had programming and were trying to act on it. it was very scary. there had also been a phone call from a past abuser, luckily nobody told them about the report, because if that info got out and got back to them god knows what would happen and who knows what danger we’d be in. i told eileen though that I feel its only a matter of time before it will get back to them. eileen asked me if it would be possible to talk to one of the insiders who is programmed to kill the body. i said i didnt know if they would talk but that i could try to push one of them to the front. so i did. and surprisingly one of them Jasmine came out and her and eileen talked. Jasmine is 24. she talked and I was able to listen. It felt strange to hear what she had to say and to hear her take on things. She said that whenever she even hears of someone dying by suicide that it triggers her programming. she also said how she constantly thinks of death. and about the best way to do it. she said she had been planning on wednesday night about how best to do it and succeed at it. eileen kept trying to tell her that if she succeeded not only would she be dead but we’d all be dead. she kept saying she wasnt afraid of dying. but sometimes she is scared of the doing it part. or of waiting to die once she’s done what she planned. she also told eileen she sometimes hears voices telling her kill herself or go ahead and just do it or she said that sometimes they tell her how worthless she is and how invaluable she is and how everyone wouldnt care if she was dead. they talked about the voices a lot. eileen told her that the voices she hears on the inside are parts of her and asked her if she realised this. she didnt so then they talked about that process and how her parts are all conflicted and how some of her parts are stuck in the past. as i said it was very interesting to me to listen to her perspective on things. i briefly came out again at the end of the session and i told eileen i would help support Jasmine even though inside I dont live anywhere near where she does. Also some of the dark insiders like Liz and Cora said they’d give her some support over the coming weeks. I’m sure they’ll talk again in therapy too. We told her we would share the police report with her when dr barry gives it to us. I dont know if I posted about that here? Dr Barry had to do up a report for the police after a sexual assault we suffered last year. She did the report up a year ago but we are only submitting it now because she that is Dr Barry felt we werent emotionally ready to go there. Anyway she is going to give us a copy for ourselves to keep of the report and we will in turn share it with Eileen.
I cant sleep. The neighbours are partying and I am triggered and all that combined is not allowing me to sleep. I wrote my therapist. Some parts also wrote to her. The triggered feeling is starting to subside now but it was so intense for a while. I thought I’d go nuts, literally. My anxiety spiked, some alters came forward who had suicidal urges, luckily though we’re at our parents and so nobody did anything dangerous or unsafe. Its a good thing we are at their house. We will be safe here and in no danger because they are in the room next to ours. Our dads a light sleeper and would wake if we went by their bedroom door. Feeling incredibly spacy right now, also numb and uneasy. Hate this feeling so much.
i have therapy tomorrow. i’m nervous. i shouldnt be, but i am. i cant help it. there is some tough stuff that i need to discuss. mainly it is about the rape we went through last easter. the rape that ended us up in the hospital, in the psych ward for our birthday and easter and the trauma we went through after it, examinations, reporting to the police, etc. talking with dr barry today about the report she did up for the investigation has led to me being seriously triggered tonight. earlier i could not find words to say how i felt. i emailed eileen and just said i am having real trouble finding my voice. i know she will understand what i mean. but then later i did manage to write again to her and talk a little bit about what caused me to shut down and about how i felt. i know we need to go deeper with it though in therapy. discuss it more than we have which isnt very much at all. i dont know why i’m so scared. i trust eileen. i feel safe with her. i know she’ll understand. and empathise and be compassionate. so why am i so hesitant, scared, afraid to let it out? its baffling to me. but i really do need to try. and i will i guess. the thing is my memory surrounding that time is foggy sometimes, but then during flashbacks it isnt. more weirdness. i wish things werent so complicated and were more clear and i wish too that i was just able to feel my damn feelings and not this roller coaster of emotions and then nothing for a long time and then back to full on freak out mode again. its really throwing me for a loop. i hope tomorrow goes well. if i am brave enough i’ll bring it up that is if there is time. other insiders want time so i am not sure what will come out of that or if i will have much time during the session. i suppose i could always flag it at the beginning, say i need some of the session time. and i may just do that too.