The depression lingers

im still feeling very depressed. i am just finding today rough. not sure whats going on with me if I am honest. its hard though and it feels awful. its actually horrendous.
i dont feel like i can be around people. i tried watching tv with my dad. i couldnt do it. i just had to escape to the bedroom. i had to be alone, well i had nitro, i wouldnt be without him. he snuggled close to me. actually when my dad took him out to the living room he didnt want to stay there, he wanted to come back in to the bedroom to me. what a loyal pup he is.
i suppose part of this could be our therapists upcoming vacation. we’ve been thinking a lot about it. so yes partly the sadness and aloneness and depressed feelings could be down to that. im sure we’ll end up talking a lot about it tomorrow with her.
for tonight though i think i just have to keep a low profile. stay in my bedroom, and do things that dont require a lot of brain power. just try to be kind to myself i suppose.

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URGES AND BRAIN DUMP

I FEEL IT THE URGE TO CUT THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF
IT IS STRONG AND I AM WEAK
IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NOBODY IS UP
I AM ALONE. ALONE AND SCARED. AND WISHING I COULD BE NUMB.
JUST NUMB THE PAIN AWAY, ITS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW
LIZ

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relax with some tea

yes thats me. relaxing with a cuppa.
im starting to slip. my mood is going low. i feel crappy.
i need a hug. wish someone was here to hug me. mom and dad are both here, but they are both busy. anyway i wouldnt ask them to sit with me. i’d feel awkward doing that.
i am about to burst out crying. my mind is racing. my head is pounding, i am about to explode in to uncontrollable tears.
i can feel others close by. littler insiders. they are panicking. they are sad. they are small and vulnerable.
i want to say i will take care of you. and i will. but who will take care of me?
carol anne

Poetry

staring blankly
she starts to think
starts to tremble
shake uncontrollably
flashes engulf her mind and body
flashes from the past
she begins to cry
silent tears
silent screams
nothing escapes her lips
quivering, shaking
trembling, she pulls her arms tightly around her body
she waits for the tornado to disapate
it does, eventually
as she lies on her bed
she wonders why
and softly cries

Em. Struggling

hhihih it me Emily
I’m struggling tonight. I feel so gross. I feel unlovable. fat. ugly. and I hate how I feel. and I hate my body.

it disgusts me. I hate how I look. I know we are losing weight. and people have noticed it. commented that we are looking fab. I don’t see it though.

I just feel so sad. sad and lonely and unloved and unseen in my struggle.

love
Emily age 12