Short staffed

I just had a call from my supervisor at friendly call. She aksed me to go in early today. She is out sick and she said they are very short staffed. She’s been out sick for a few days now. She is doing some of the calls from her house, that’s how short staffed they are. She told me she’d send me on a list of my calls soon. I told her that it wasn’t a problem, I can go in an hour earlier. Im not doing anything else so that will be fine. She asked me if I could get a taxi in, as trish cant leave the office to come get me. Not a problem. I already booked it. Now I just need to get myself ready to go. While I was on the phone with her I also made a point of telling her about the other volunteer who was there with me last Friday. She’s constantly letting all of the work to me and others, last week it was just me and her, and trish, but trish’s job isn’t to make calls although she will give a hand if needs be. Anyway last Friday the other girl, the one who doesn’t do her work, she was listening to music on her phone, instead of making calls. So I told Brenda about it. Brenda said she knows she’s doing it and she is going to see what she can do about talking to this girl, she’s done the job for over 5 years, so its possible she’s burnt out. But if she is, she needs to take a step back, not come in and say she’s going to do the work and then leave it all to the rest of us. I am looking forward to going in today. I only got a few hours of sleep but it will be ok. I enjoy my volunteer work. I always look forward to it. It gives me purpose. I love all of the clients. Some of them have a tough life. Some of them have no contact with anyone except us on a daily basis. So I feel its important that they get that call, someone to check in and see they are ok. Safe and ok. I am glad I am that person. Brenda said my list should be with me before the end of the morning. Now am off to get dressed and shower. I’ve already eaten breakfast and let nitro out. So he’s sorted. Now to just get myself ready…

Poetry

close your eyes
don’t make a sound
don’t look around
go to sleep
that’s it
relax, breathe
but I cant
why? why not?
bad dreams, don’t you know?
don’t you see?
cant you see how they effect me?
the truth is
nobody can
im all alone
alone on this planet
as I sit
shivering
unable to breathe
unable to fight
my demons
they linger
as I sit
as I sit and ponder
what to do next
my head is full
full of worries and fears
these worries and fears
have been here for years
they aren’t going anywhere
for now though
for now…
I will go make a cup of tea
and I will try
to just be
to sit
and try to not quit!

Wide awake

its gone 3 AM. i’m wide awake. i felt hungry so got some grapes. i just cannot sleep. i’ve been trying and trying. so i just gave in and got up. my body is sore and i keep having flashbacks. i feel so dissociative. so on edge. the flashbacks are strong. i just feel sad and alone tonight.

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The depression lingers

im still feeling very depressed. i am just finding today rough. not sure whats going on with me if I am honest. its hard though and it feels awful. its actually horrendous.
i dont feel like i can be around people. i tried watching tv with my dad. i couldnt do it. i just had to escape to the bedroom. i had to be alone, well i had nitro, i wouldnt be without him. he snuggled close to me. actually when my dad took him out to the living room he didnt want to stay there, he wanted to come back in to the bedroom to me. what a loyal pup he is.
i suppose part of this could be our therapists upcoming vacation. we’ve been thinking a lot about it. so yes partly the sadness and aloneness and depressed feelings could be down to that. im sure we’ll end up talking a lot about it tomorrow with her.
for tonight though i think i just have to keep a low profile. stay in my bedroom, and do things that dont require a lot of brain power. just try to be kind to myself i suppose.

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