flashback trauma

flashbacks are kicking our collective ass. horrific memories are running rampant. taunting us. making us crazy. sending us spiraling. triggering us into a place of emotional instability.

Right now, I feel awful. I want an end to this pain. An end is all I want.

But it never ends. The pain threatens to take me down. If only the memories would stop?

just bla

I feel bla. Neither here or there. Just like ug this is pointless, life is pointless.

Dont know what brought me to this place tonight. I dont like it though. Its like this kind of flatness. a kind of resigned life is just icky.

Can anyone relate? I hope so as I hate to be alone with my thoughts and these feelings.

Not coping at all

i think i’m about to die. the emotions are so overwhelming. i cant turn off my brain. i am swimming in grief and desperation and trauma. sadness, sadness oh my god the sadness. i wish eileen was here. i wish i could hold her hand or have a hug. i need that contact. i crave it. i need that connection. i am alone. alone with my thoughts. alone with my fears. alone in the world on a dark night with rain beating down outside and memories taunting me. i have curled up with my baby nitro my dog and burrowed my face into his fur. he is safety. he is my calm. he is loyal and loving and wants to be there for me. right now i need him so much. but i need my therapist too. i really need her. things are not good. i dont feel well. i am so scared. scared of what is in my head. scared of my thoughts and of my feelings. i cant cope. i just cant do this.

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therapy break continues, days 3 and 4

days 3 and 4 have been a lot harder than the first two days. proly cuz we didnt sleep and we were so dissociative. losing lotsa time, just being sad and hurting and crying a lot.
alla us kids miss eileen so much. it realy hurts our heart.
we been tryin ta make her cards and write letters to her but nothins comin out.
do anybody ever get like that? like yur words get stuck, lost even? and you dont know how to fix that?
we are going to try ta have a good weekend. and not to miss her too much.
that will be hard tho i think.
we brought her rose scent to respite with us for some comfort. and we might get to buy the perfume she wears tomorrow when we go shopping. it will double because dr. barry wears it too so we can think of her and think of eileen at the same time.
ok i gotta go to bed now
good night everyone

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heads in a spin

my heads in a spin. i feel all funny. thoughts are racing. i’m agitated. i’m anxious. i’m feeling stressed out. overwhelmed. sad. depressed. i cant shake the feelings. part of me is saying take the pills, go do it. i’m trying everything i can to distract myself. it isnt working. its 3:30 AM, i’m alone and scared and wish I had someone to sit with me and hold my hand. I emailed eileen about an hour ago, i probably sound so pathetic in the email, but i feel so desperate. i know she gets it. i feel like i am too much for her. too needy. too broken. too fucked up. she keeps reassuring me that she doesnt think those things about me. so why cant i believe her? my heart aches. i ache for a warm hug from a trusted person. the little parts want hugs from our mom. she never or rarely gives hugs or kisses. they crave them so much right now. they want our mom to say its ok, i’m here. thats all they want. my whole body hurts. i feel like a mess. a big ball of anxiety in my stomach. its killing me. prayers will be appreciated guys.

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I came out of hiding

i did what eileen suggested, i got up and i went out of the house. i went to the basement club. i am here now. its quiet here not many members are in yet because its early. today is their open day, they have an open day once a month where anyone can come in and view the place get information etc. i’m happy i came out. i didnt realise how much i’d missed the place. it was actually my mom who convinced me to go. she called me and i was still in my PJ’s and she said to me that I should get out of the house. I think she was worried about me isolating. I had a bad night with flashbacks and emotions coming up and I just felt like crap. I didnt stay awake after I wrote the blog post at 2 AM I went back to bed and I was able to go back to sleep so that was good. I plan on staying at the basement club for the entire day today. Until about 4 PM. Then my friend Norma is coming over tonight to my house for a few hours. I think Eileen will be proud of me. I am taking care of myself. I am looking after my mental health. That is what she told me to do. Stay well, make sure I keep myself well.

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