Clamming up…losing my words…

I have so much I wanna say. I cant. I am lost for words.

My chest is tight my stomach hurts.

I feel clammy, sick, sweaty.

I am losing my shit. I wanna talk but I cant. I need to. I just cant though.

Everything is wrong. So much going on. I just need someone to hear me. Hear what I am not saying…

Virus-free. www.avg.com

I need my therapist so bad right now

I really want to text my therapist. I need her so bad right now. I feel so alone. I cant text her, as its gone midnight. But I can email her which I did. The kids are scared and upset. They’ve been crying a lot tonight. They hate the dark. We dont really feel safe. we are feeling anxious and unsafe which is hard to cope with. Nitro is helping though. I just really need her right now. I wish I had her here with me. I have goten out my willow tree figures. She has some of those in her office and haivng mine out is helping me to feel connected to her. I have also gotten out my fleece throw. I wrapped up in it and that also helps me feel connected to her as she has one in her office which she wraps around us when we’re doing memory work. I hate feeling so needy. But I just cant help it. We just feel emotional. And overwhelmed.

I JUST DONT KNOW

I AM SO DOWN. I FEEL SO SO DEPRESSED. I AM JUST SO SAD THIS MORNING.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SO I EMAILED EILEEN. I ASKED HER FOR SOME ADVICE.

SOME ADVICE TO HOPEFULLY MAKE ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER. I KNOW SHE ALWAYS GIVES GOOD ADVICE. I’VE TRIED SO MANY THINGS ALREADY, NOTHING HAS HELPED. I JUST FEEL SO ALONE. SO ALONE AND SO VERY SAD.

I HOPE SHE EMAILS ME BACK SOON. I COULD USE SOME KIND CARING THOUGHTS. IF ANYONE HAS ANY, PLEASE WRITE ME. I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

WENDY

Short staffed

I just had a call from my supervisor at friendly call. She aksed me to go in early today. She is out sick and she said they are very short staffed. She’s been out sick for a few days now. She is doing some of the calls from her house, that’s how short staffed they are. She told me she’d send me on a list of my calls soon. I told her that it wasn’t a problem, I can go in an hour earlier. Im not doing anything else so that will be fine. She asked me if I could get a taxi in, as trish cant leave the office to come get me. Not a problem. I already booked it. Now I just need to get myself ready to go. While I was on the phone with her I also made a point of telling her about the other volunteer who was there with me last Friday. She’s constantly letting all of the work to me and others, last week it was just me and her, and trish, but trish’s job isn’t to make calls although she will give a hand if needs be. Anyway last Friday the other girl, the one who doesn’t do her work, she was listening to music on her phone, instead of making calls. So I told Brenda about it. Brenda said she knows she’s doing it and she is going to see what she can do about talking to this girl, she’s done the job for over 5 years, so its possible she’s burnt out. But if she is, she needs to take a step back, not come in and say she’s going to do the work and then leave it all to the rest of us. I am looking forward to going in today. I only got a few hours of sleep but it will be ok. I enjoy my volunteer work. I always look forward to it. It gives me purpose. I love all of the clients. Some of them have a tough life. Some of them have no contact with anyone except us on a daily basis. So I feel its important that they get that call, someone to check in and see they are ok. Safe and ok. I am glad I am that person. Brenda said my list should be with me before the end of the morning. Now am off to get dressed and shower. I’ve already eaten breakfast and let nitro out. So he’s sorted. Now to just get myself ready…

Poetry

close your eyes
don’t make a sound
don’t look around
go to sleep
that’s it
relax, breathe
but I cant
why? why not?
bad dreams, don’t you know?
don’t you see?
cant you see how they effect me?
the truth is
nobody can
im all alone
alone on this planet
as I sit
shivering
unable to breathe
unable to fight
my demons
they linger
as I sit
as I sit and ponder
what to do next
my head is full
full of worries and fears
these worries and fears
have been here for years
they aren’t going anywhere
for now though
for now…
I will go make a cup of tea
and I will try
to just be
to sit
and try to not quit!