Yesterday I had an apt with my OT mark. It was a really good apt. We talked some more about options for me to do a college course. I am still interested in something related to childcare. at least I was until I got a phone call yesterday evening from one of the tutors on the other course I am interested in which is called issues in substance use in youth and community work. When the tutor rang me she said she’d send me an application form and brochure which she did and i’ve sent it on to mark, I also sent him an email this morning asking him to fill out the application form with me. But back to yesterday and the apt. We talked about the childcare course. And the supports I may need in the college. Funnily enough the course in issues of substance use in youth and community work is taking place in the same college where the childcare courses I wanted to do are. The thing is I only want to go part time. And the substance use course is part time. The childcare one is full time and that is way too stressful for me. Plus I’ve gotten a volunteer position with cork city partnership as an office admin worker I’ll be doing up letters, writing email and answering phones. Its only 1 day a week but then I also volunteer at the basement club, I’ve taken a small break while I was hospitalised recently but I will be going back to it soon. I work better under less pressure so that is what myself and mark talked through yesterday. Then we got on to talking about the adaptive technology and home improvements. I had asked him to request a price on a frame that goes around my toilet, which he did, but yesterday he said that rather than having me pay for it, he should refer me to the community OT and she could do an assessment and then I should be able to get the frame on my medical card. Since I’ve been having balance issues and postural hypertention that is why I need the frame. I told him I am having the blood pressure monitor done next week to see if my meds are causing my blood pressure to drop. so we decided to wait until we meet again in 3 weeks time to make a final decision about the adaptions to my home. I also have to see what equipment I might need and send him a quote for it, then he will get Karen the social worker to do a funding application for me. That was the bulk of our appointment. I did talk to him some about my ongoing symptoms. He always checks in with me about how I’m doing, what is going on for me, etc. Which is really nice. He’s a good listener and I was able to get a lot off my mind before I ever went in to see dr. barry.
I found this quote, and thought given the circumstances with my dad, it was very apt for today.
Love people for who they are, not for who you hope they will be someday.
yesterday during therapy me and eileen talked about my dad and his alcoholism. it has been bothering me for a few days now, so i brought it into the therapy room. eileen thinks it would be a good idea for me to read up on alcoholism and its effects on the family. i told her i find it really difficult to talk about it and that is why i havent read much on the subject. i told her that i would try looking up some stuff on it. she gave me a few resources and names of people who have written extensively on the subject. its so hard for me to do this. it means i have to admit to myself that there is a problem. i know there is, i know my dads an addict, but i always thought i could change him somehow. i could make things better. eileen said i need to look after me and my own mental health. she said if i fall into the trap of allowing my dad to control me or lie to me that I’m finished. because addicts will do that, they lie, they manipulate, they will do anything to shift the blame from themselves to someone else. deep down i know this is true. it all just makes me so sad. but for years my dad has been this way. the fact that he lied to me and my sister last week, telling us that if he drinks by day he doesnt drink by night, that is a sure sign that he knows he’s doing wrong, and he knows he has a problem. I was telling eileen how he is so controlling, he’s like OCD about everything, everything has to be a certain way, everything has to be just so, he has to do things a certain way, all routine, and if it isnt his way, he gets really mad and angry and starts verbally being mean, putting us down etc. for years now I’ve been the scape goat of our family. I’ve been the problem. He uses my mental illness as being the problem. Saying that I am the one with the issue, because I see a therapist, I go to a psychiatrist, I take meds. Eileen said this has to stop. I have to start putting myself first. I said I try to avoid him now if I fear he is going to start anything. Even our mom told me not to answer him if he’s arguing, eileen said she is giving us good advice there, and its obvious she’s found ways of coping, of looking after herself. I told eileen that maybe my mom could come over to my house more, so that I wouldnt have to go to my parents house as much. because my dads drinking and lack of taking care of himself is really really effecting me more than I’d like to admit. And its something I havent really discussed a lot with eileen, I’m embarrassed that its like that. I’m feeling bad that this addiction is in our family. It just adds more disfunction to the already disfunctional family dynamics. I will do the reading though and try to educate myself more about the addiction and the process of what having this addiction does to the person and to the rest of the family. Talking about it yesterday did help me a lot. I felt lighter after the session.
so a couple of days ago my sister and me were in the car with dad. we were driving to my parents house. all of a sudden my dad said, i dont drink a lot. if i drink by day, then i dont drink at night. me and laura just sat there with our mouths open. because that is so far from the truth. if he goes out to a pub by day for 3 pints, then the same night he’ll drink cans of beer at home. it was like he was telling us this, and he really believed what he was saying. i said nothing, but i wanted to. laura said something to pacify him. that sorta denial and hiding things drives me crazy. he is an alcoholic, thre is no getting away from that fact. no he doesnt drink half as much as he did a couple years ago. but he’s still a bad alcoholic. so why is he trying to convince us he isnt? why, when we are adults now, and we know the truth? he’s just lying to himself, and believing his own lies. how sad is that?
just finished another fabulous foster care memoir written by UK foster carer rosie lewis. the book tells megans story. megan was born to a drug dependent mother and she was born with a kleft palet. she was placed with rosie on a temporary basis until a permanent family could be found for her. little did rosie know when she took on megan the twists and turns that lay in store for both of them. as i said she was born with a kleft palet and found it very difficult to feed, had bad reflux and was generally a baby that got sick a lot. from the start rosie was determined to give her as much love and care as she possibly could. foster carers arent meant to get too attached to the children they look after, especially because they will most likely be moving on to permanency or long term placements, but rosie couldnt help falling in love with megan, as did her family. her birth mother christina kept going in and out of rehab, but there really was no chance that the social services would give megan back to her, it was too late. during megans early months she had twice weekly contact with her but more often than not she wouldnt show up for it. megans father couldnt be traced, but later in the story he was traced and it turns out he was living in italy. megans first social worker peggy was a very blunt woman, who spoke her mind. after a few months of rosie caring for megan, peggie asked her one day if she’d even thought of putting herself forward to adopt her. rosie was stunned, she’d never even considered it. could she? would she? she talked to her kids and they were all really happy and excited. so she decided to apply to try to keep megan. however the social worker on the adoption team didnt want her to have her at first, saying that it wasnt in megans best interests to be adopted by her foster carer. she came to visit rosie at home and criticised everything, and by then peggie was off megans case and hazel a new social worker had taken over. rosie was sure it was going to be bad news, and her suitability would be declined. but hazel told her that veronica, the adoption team leader had liked her and that it might look good for her after all. a couple of weeks later she got the letter, and it was good news, her application had been approved. however a few days later more bad news, because christina megans birth mother had visited megan in rosie’s house, it was felt that her safety was in jepordy. rosie was heartbroken. by this time she had cared for megan for over 2 years. the bond was strong and strengthening more and more with each passing day. the thought that she might have to let her go was too much for her. meanwhile veronica had found a family she thought might be suitable. a very wealthy and affluent couple. and so it was that rosie withdrew her application. and the hand over commenced. eventually rosie had to say goodbye to megan for good, which devastated her. however the placement did not go well. the couple could not cope and the placement broke down. rosie automatically thought they would place megan back with her again. but the local authority did not want to spend the money hiring an agency foster carer, they wanted to use one of their own inhouse carers. however rosie fought to get megan back. and finally she managed it. and a couple of months later, she adopted her. megans story had a happy ending. but it could have gone so horribly wrong. i felt this book really showed the pitfalls of the adoption process. how the matching process can go so horribly wrong. i feel this book is a good read for anyone studying social work, or wanting to adopt a child. it gives a raw and honest account of the ups and downs a carer faces when trying to adopt the child they are caring for. it was a great read.
so this afternoon my friend sam who blogs over at
decided to start a new blog and she asked me to help her co manage it.
the blog is about reviews. not just any sorta review though. this is a blog where we will review treatment options for people with mental illnesses.
anyone is welcome to submit a review. we have categories set up and there is categories for psych hospitals, long term care, shared living, group homes, residential treatment programmes, trauma programmes, substance abuse to name a few.
we are looking for people to go over and read the description of the blog and give honest reviews of places they’ve been to. not just in the USA either all over the world!
the blog is
Go over hit follow and let us know what you think! There are no posts there yet, but we will be putting an intro post up soon!
I know this blog will grow into something amazing!
i’ve been thinking about my dad all morning. about his drinking. about times in the past where he was violent. where he did things to me like losing his temper and injuring me, always under the influence of alcohol. mostly it was when i was in my teens. he hasnt done anything like that in years. part of me says i should just let it go and move on. but he never apologised for any of it. parts of me are just like fuck him. he doesnt care. if he cared he wouldnt drink. he’d go off of it completely. but then i know he cant. i know its an addiction and addictions cant just disappear, that takes a lot of hard work which i dont think he’s willing to do. so much of our childhood was tarnished with his alcoholism. there was so much yelling at home, so much violence, and we havent even processed a lot of it yet. and i am not sure we ever will.