Therapy. Talking about dads addiction

therapy today was intense. we discussed my dad and his alcohol addiction. that was hard. its something we hadnt really touched on before. i rarely bring it up to anyone. and i’d not really spoken to eileen about it. so i felt glad that i could. for those that dont know, my dad is an alcoholic. he still drinks now. he drinks almost every day. he’s not violent, but he is very controlling, and very obsessive, wired and always thinks he needs to be right. he doesnt listen to reason, or in fact listen to anyone when he is drinking. its his way or no way. today we talked about how argumentative liz can be with him. liz doesnt get along with him. she cant stand him in fact. he sets her off. she gets angry, their personalities clash. eileen tried to advise her today. she tried to tell her that you cant reason with an alcoholic. they blame everyone else. there is no reasoning with them. eileen was saying how we need to look after our own self care. we need to take care of our own mental health. she advised us that we have a choice. we can react, or we can change our responses. she encouraged us to put a reminder into our phone, that we can look at while we’re at our parents house. its stressful at our parents house when he’s drinking. our mom avoids him. we do too for the most part. we got in the bedroom and go on our laptop. we dont talk to him unless we have to. because talking only leads to him yelling, or arguing with us. eileen told us to put the reminder in our phone that we have a choice, and set it up so we can see it every hour. so we’re going to do that. she said a lot today about addicts. about addiction and the patterns of what goes on for both the addict and for us the person living with it. we talked about codependency. she offered up the names of some books i can get and i am going to get one or two and read them. it was a good conversation. even if it was difficult to talk about. im sure we’re not done with it by a long shot. we didnt really resolve any of it, other than to set up the reminders in our phone about choices. and even that, even the fact that we have choices. that goes right over our head. its like we dont see it. because for all these years our choices were taken from us. we never had a choice in how to respond or react. so now that we do, that seems odd to us. like its someone else’s life, not ours. anyway. we’ll do what she suggested and see what happens. i came home after therapy, and went in to work. then came home after work, ate and went for a rest. didnt really sleep though. im a little wound up. still reflecting on todays session. doubt i’ll sleep tonight. we’ll see. bringing up his addiction always effects us all a lot. living with an addict or having one in your life is so so hard. he’s not going to change now though. so we’ll have to try to change our responses. anyway. it was a good therapy session.

#whatif prompt 6-10-18

Today the prompt over at what if we all cared is, sleeping in the park!

Lucky for me I’ve never had to sleep rough. Never had to sleep on a park bench on the street. I feel so lucky that I havent ever had to do this.
My cousin is not so lucky. He sleeps rough. He is a heroin addict. He has a hard life, I used to be close to him when we were kids, but now I’m very scared of him.
Scared because he steals, he hurts people, he doesnt think, all he cares about is drugs, and where he gets his next fix.
It must be such a sad existence. I think to be homeless must be one of the worst things ever, the sad thing is he has a home, but he cant live there because of his drug addiction. His dad refuses to let him stay, I can see why.

Check out the daily prompt
https://whatifweallcared.wordpress.com/2018/06/10/whatif-prompt-for-6-10-18/

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so I was watching a tv show on drug misuse

ive been watching this tv show about people who use cocaine.
its eye opening. it is based in the UK. but OMG.
I cant believe the lengths some people will go to to get cocaine.
If that was me all I’d be thinking is if I take this will I die?
I dont think I could take that, not even if I was desperate.
Im not just talking about young people taking it either, this show was showing men in their 50’s and 60’s snorting it up their nose.
I couldnt believe it. I didnt watch all of it. I couldnt bring myself to watch it.
The show was also showing the dealers, the people supplying the cocaine.
I actually couldnt believe that they showed actual dealers, and actual taking of the drugs on tv.
Anyway. i made some tea. And now me and Nitro are in our bedroom all nice and snug and cosy.

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Guest blogger Eve Adams from Revenge of eve tells her story

Today we have a guest blogger, Eve Adams, from revenge of eve.
Check out eves blog at
http://revengeofeveforeveranonymous.wordpress.com/
Below eve shares her story of what it was like to be an alcoholic, now in recovery, Eve tells us what recovery is like also.

Eve writes…

Under the pseudonym Eve Adams, I write anonymously to express my deepest emotions. Blogging is a secret life and for that reason, I enjoy every moment of it. The mystery it creates allows me free range of speech and for this stage of my life, it seems necessary. I am not ashamed of any lessons that life has taught me through mistakes but privacy is key for me. Through this experience, I have learned to set boundaries by breaking my own. I am sharing my true self and at times this is difficult to do behind a mask. Often I feel like an imposter.

I am Eve, a sober bartender in recovery from alcohol. Yes, you read that right. This month,

April 2018, I will have three years sober.

In the beginning, I worked the graveyard shift at Denny’s. They are a 24-hour establishment that does not serve alcohol. Let me be honest, this is the type of restaurant where servers retire! Lol.. Prior to here, I had an extensive career as a fast-paced bartender in local nightclubs so the difference between the two places isn’t comparable. With that said, part of me was dying with my sobriety, a huge part. I can honestly say that I never thought I would step behind the bar again.

A brief history of what my alcoholism looked like. I was living in a town three hours away from home trying to get sober. Living out of my truck, to be exact, because I was kicked out of many sober living homes. I would sleep and drink in the Walmart parking lot. I did so I would be seen by cameras if something were to happen to me. I did this for about three months until I realized I wasn’t getting sober. I was unemployed for two years at this point, consuming a gallon of vodka a day. I made a trip home to spend my daughters spring break with her. It was here I promised my mother I wouldn’t drink and she gave me yet another chance.

I would go on to getting my job at the 24-hour restaurant and secretly I was drinking. This went on for a year before finally, my daughter said she had enough. I wasn’t hiding it as well as I had thought. I haven’t had a drink since that day, three years ago. I had tried everything. I completed six rehabs along with three mental institution stays, they didn’t work. I should be honest and say I didn’t put in the work. I would be employed at the “graveyard” for a year and a half before moving on to a restaurant that served alcohol. I wasn’t the bartender but I did have to make the drinks for my tables. They didn’t have a morning bartender. I worked here for six months before returning to my job at the casino, serving alcohol.

It was a concern for a few but not for me. I knew that I could not have a drink. It will ruin my life, I have the proof, the medal, and the trophy! I had not one desire to drink so when the position came available to work at a full-service bar, I jumped on it. During my interview, I informed the owner of my drinking history telling him if I had one temptation, I would leave. I value my sobriety.

Suddenly I began to feel life again. The part that was missing was in my career. I never imagined myself to be behind a bar again much less sober. There has been one instance that my anxiety was high and I imagined myself taking a shot. In that very moment, I stepped outside and debated leaving but I stayed because I am strong, not stronger than my disease but strong in my sobriety. I remained outside for a few before shaking it off and walking back in. I have been maintaining two jobs since October 2017 and I am happy to report, sober.

My struggle with being an alcoholic has been minimal. It was getting sober that was the hard part for me, remaining sober hasn’t been easy but doable. I find myself enjoying the simple things in life instead of taking them for granted. Today I am medicated for bipolar. I am a different person from who I once was. I now have patience, compassion, and understanding that others struggle too. I am no longer angry or debate every conversation had. I must admit this is the life I have dreamed of and it is mine. Sober. Positive and truly happy!

Post share. Revenge of eve:An open letter to her daughter #1

Check out this wonderful post! Eve shares her love for her daughter, a touching and very powerful letter!

https://revengeofeveforeveranonymous.wordpress.com/2018/04/09/a-letter-to-my-daughter/?preview=true

lies, and more lies…

growing up
i watch my dad
love alcohol
more than he loved me
his little girl
i watched as he drank
himself into an oblivion
more times than i care to count
then the lies would start
dont tell mom
its just one drink
i can manage it
it has not taken me over
the sad thing was though
it had, and to this day
it still does
no he may not drink as much
but even getting sorosis of the liver
didnt stop him
he stayed away from drink for 4 years
but an invitation to a wedding and he was back on it again
lies, oh so many lies
broken promises
yes means no
maybe means never
i’m sorry means nothing at all