Kelly and therapy yesterday

Hi guys
My name is Kelli. I am 16 years old.
I dont come out to often. But I wanted to come out and write about the time I spent in therapy yesterday with eileen. I had a really good session. It was really useful to be able to talk things out with Eileen. She is a really good therapist, and she was so nice to me.
I am a dark, in Liz’s system. I have a lot of trouble with contacting abusers, I dont initiate it, but when they email us I have responded to them before. I know now that this wasnt a good idea. I should be staying away from them. I do know this now. And I am trying hard.
I want to do right by our system. Liz doesnt allow us to contact the abusers. When she found out I did it, I got in a lot of trouble.
So she said I had to go to therapy and talk. So thats what I did.
Me and Eileen talked about my feelings surrounding the abusers, I have a lot of feelings that are very confusing. In a way contacting them makes me feel valued. Even though deep down I know they are using me. I know they dont care, I talked to eileen about the response I got from one of them when I told him I wouldnt be meeting him over easter, he got mad at me and threatened to hurt the kids in my system.
Thats a huge worry for me, as they’ve been though enough trauma and hurt in the past from abuse and I dont want that to happen to them again.
Eileen asked me if I’d be disappointed if they didnt contact me. I had to think on that for a while. I guess honestly? Yes, but only because its part of who I am, I’ve always been abused, and I dont know any other way to be. I dont have another job, or role in our system, but I am going to try out some stuff, starting this weekend, I am going to come out when we’re away with our mom, and go shopping, and eat out etc. Just to see what thats like. Normally I am only out for reasons that are bad or when someone needs to respond to an email from an abuser.
It will be good to be out for something else, some other reason.
I am glad I talked in therapy. I was able to see a lot. Wendy offered to support me which was also nice. She’s been through this in the past, and Eileen asked her specifically if she’d be willing to support me through it.
I am so glad I have people inside who get it, and I have eileen, dr. barry and all of you our friends too. Thanks for being there for us.
love you all,
Kelli age 16

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THERAPY TALKING ABOUT HARD STUFF

SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.
LIZ

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WE MADE IT WE GOT THROUGH THE RITUAL WEEKEND AND WE’RE OK!

THIS IS WILLOW. I JUST WANTED TO COME TO WRITE A QUICK UPDATE.

WE MADE IT AND WE GOT THROUGH THE HOLIDAY THIS PAST WEEKEND, ON FRIDAY THERE WAS A RITUAL HOLIDAY, AND WE WERE FEELING VERY SCARED AND TRIGGERED, AND THINKING WE MAY NOT BE OK.

WE THOUGHT WE MAY BE CONTACTED AND ONE OF THE LOYAL DARKS WOULD MAYBE GO TO THE PEOPLE WHO CONTACT US, WHO ARE ACTUALLY PAST ABUSERS. BUT THEY DIDNT! WE WERE OK! WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS FOR THE WEEKEND AS PLANNED, AND EVERYTHING WAS OK! WHAT A HUGE RELIEF IT IS TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT WE’RE OK AND WE MADE IT!

YOU DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME TO BE ABLE TO SAY IT!

I EMAILED EILEEN YESTERDAY TO LET HER KNOW WE’RE OK! SHE DIDNT RESPOND TO ME BUT I KNEW SHE WOULDNT. I’M SURE WE’LL HAVE A TON TO TALK ABOUT TOMORROW WITH HER IN OUR SESSION!

THIS IS ONE OF THE FIRST MAJOR RITUAL DATES WHERE NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO US. THAT IN ITSELF IS HUGE! IT MEANS THAT FINALLY THE ABUSERS ARE HAVING LESS POWER OVER US! YAY!

I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER! AM SO, SO GRATEFUL THAT WE DIDNT GET HURT AND AM SO SO GRATEFUL THAT WE WERE ABLE TO RESIST GOING WITH THEM!
WILLOW

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FUCKING HELL

GOD DAMN PEOPLE! SOMETIMES THEY JUST, WELL, MAKE ME PISSY!
SOMEONE, WHO I WILL NOT MENTION, CONTACTED ME, AND IT WAS NOT PLEASANT. THE SOMEONE IS A PERSON FROM OUR PAST. A PERSON WHO WAS PART OF OUR ABUSE.
THEY TRIGGERED THE FUCK OUTA ME AND NOW I WANT TO FUCKING KICK THE SHIT OUTA THEM!
GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE ABUSERS FUCK THE HELL OFF!
LIZ

JusJoJan 15th

Your prompt for January 15th, 2018, brought to you by the lovely Barb, is “Justice.” Use it any way you’d like in your post. And make sure you visit Barb at her blog, “Gallimaufry,” to read her post and say hi! Here’s her link: https://barbct.wordpress.com/

Here are the general rules to follow for Just Jot it January:

1. Just Jot It January starts January 1st, but it’s never too late to join in! Here, we run on the honour system; the “jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post, it can even be a grocery list) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to your blog that day, great! If it waits a week to get from a sticky note to your screen, no problem!

2. I’ll post the daily prompts at 2am my time (GMT -5), every day except for Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness (SoCS) prompt–you’ll find that one on Friday morning at 9:30am. That daily post (i.e. this one) will be where you leave your link for others to find in the comment section. There will be a prompt for every day except Wednesday, when the prompt is simply my One-Liner Wednesday.

3. As long as your blog is on WordPress, you’ll be able to link via pingback. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL from the daily prompt post, and paste it anywhere in your post. Check to make sure your link shows up where you want it to, and go back occasionally to see other bloggers’ entries – the more you visit others, the more they’ll visit you! If you’re participating from another blogging host, just drop a link into the comment section. Note: The newest pingbacks and comments will appear at the top.

4. Tag your post JusJoJan and/or #JusJoJan.

5. Write anything! Any length will do! It can even be a photo or a drawing – you’re going to title it, right? There’s your jot!

6. The prompts are here both to remind you and to inspire you to write. However, you don’t have to use the prompt word of the day. You can link any kind of jot back here. Note: If it’s 18+ content, please say so in a comment with your link or close to your pingback.

7. If you’d like to, use the JusJoJan badge so that others can find your post more easily.

8. Have fun!

Justice. well, today I am going to write about justice. did I get justice for what happened to me? for the abuse I went through.

sort of. I didn’t take my abusers to court. but I did get some money for what they did to me. its a long story. but basically they admitted wrong doing, well not the abusers but the school in Dublin. the nuns who were running it.

they admitted they failed us. and they gave a settlement so that I wouldn’t go to a general court.

I didn’t want to anyway. I couldn’t. I’m not strong enough to face a general court. It would be too much.

So I took the settlement. that was in 2007. I still had to go through the motions.

I had to make a statement. I had to talk to a solicitor. I had to talk about the abuse in detail. I just didn’t have to stand in a court and be examined. my barrister did all the talking for me.

was justice served? not really. they got th elast word, not me.

I’m a girl who cant make up her mind…

i’m a girl who cant make up my mind
what to do
where to go
should i stay
should i run
and hide away
no
i should blog
people care
they are here
listening
they are there for me
through thick and thin
and i love them for it
appreciate the friendship
and support i get
wouldnt be with out it
so i stay
and i pray
no toxic people
or creeps
or abusers
find me
and i hope
that i have made the right decision

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOU

HOW MUCH I WANT TO HURT YOU

RIP YOUR DICK OFF

AND RIP YOUR EYES OUT

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW FILLED WITH RAGE I AM

HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE

WITH FLASHBACKS DAILY

NIGHTMARES EACH NIGHT

LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE YOUR AFRAID TO BREATHE

AFRAID TO MOVE

JUMP AT EVERY SOUND

AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF

AFRAID TO SPEAK

TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING

FOR FEAR THEY WONT BELIEVE YOU

FOR FEAR THEY’LL REJECT YOU

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

WHAT ABUSE DID TO ME

WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR VIEW?

I DOUBT IT

I DOUBT YOUR CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE

YOUR A MONSTER

A CRUEL MONSTER

AN EVIL MONSTER

AN ABUSER

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW

THAT I HATE YOU

WITH a VENGENCE

AND I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING

YOU MAKE MY STOMACH CHURN

MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP

YOU ARE NOTHING

A NOBODY

BUT YOU MADE SURE

THAT I WOULD BE LEFT

WITH A LIFE TIME OF SCARS

AND A LIFE TIME OF HEALING

FUCK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME