I’m a girl who cant make up her mind…

i’m a girl who cant make up my mind
what to do
where to go
should i stay
should i run
and hide away
no
i should blog
people care
they are here
listening
they are there for me
through thick and thin
and i love them for it
appreciate the friendship
and support i get
wouldnt be with out it
so i stay
and i pray
no toxic people
or creeps
or abusers
find me
and i hope
that i have made the right decision

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IF YOU ONLY KNEW

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOU

HOW MUCH I WANT TO HURT YOU

RIP YOUR DICK OFF

AND RIP YOUR EYES OUT

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW FILLED WITH RAGE I AM

HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE

WITH FLASHBACKS DAILY

NIGHTMARES EACH NIGHT

LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE YOUR AFRAID TO BREATHE

AFRAID TO MOVE

JUMP AT EVERY SOUND

AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF

AFRAID TO SPEAK

TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING

FOR FEAR THEY WONT BELIEVE YOU

FOR FEAR THEY’LL REJECT YOU

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

WHAT ABUSE DID TO ME

WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR VIEW?

I DOUBT IT

I DOUBT YOUR CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE

YOUR A MONSTER

A CRUEL MONSTER

AN EVIL MONSTER

AN ABUSER

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW

THAT I HATE YOU

WITH a VENGENCE

AND I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING

YOU MAKE MY STOMACH CHURN

MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP

YOU ARE NOTHING

A NOBODY

BUT YOU MADE SURE

THAT I WOULD BE LEFT

WITH A LIFE TIME OF SCARS

AND A LIFE TIME OF HEALING

FUCK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

YES. YOU. YOU MONSTER. YOU FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH. FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU PUT US THROUGH.

I HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. YOU ARE SCUM. YOU ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW. YOU ARE NOTHING. I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.

I WISH YOU SUFFERED THE WAY I SUFFER. COULD YOU HANDLE IT? DOUBTFUL.

YOU WILL NEVER EVER HURT ANY OF US AGAIN. I’LL MAKE SURE OF THAT. I’LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN IF YOU EVER TRY.

YES I AM HERE AND I WILL DEFEND OUR SYSTEM. I WILL DEFEND US FROM MONSTERS LIKE YOU.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
LIZ

PAST ABUSERS FOUND US AND NEGATIVE COMMENTS FROM JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE

ONE REASON I PRIVATISED THE BLOG WAS BECAUSE A PAST ABUSER FOUND US AND STARTED FOLLOWING US. I TRIED TO ASK THE PEOPLE AT WORDPRESS IF I CAN REMOVE THEM BUT I GOT NO RESPONSE. I THINK YOU CANT REMOVE A FOLLOWER, I THINK SOMEONE AT WORDPRESS HAS TO DO IT FOR YOU. SO YEAH THAT WASNT GOOD.
THEN WE GOT SOME REALLY NEGATIVE COMMENTS. PEOPLE COMMENTING THAT JUST DID NOT UNDERSTAND MULTIPLICITY OR PARTS. IT WAS REALLY UPSETTING.
THEN WE HAD SOME PEOPLE SPEWING RELIGION AND I DIDNT LIKE THAT. I’M NOT IN THE LEAST BIT RELIGIOUS. YES I PRAY AND STUFF BUT I DONT GO TO CHURCH AND I DONT REALLY BELIEVE IN A GOD, I’M NOT SURE WHO I BELIEVE IN OR WHAT I BELIEVE IN REALLY.
ANYWAY. I DECIDED IN ORDER TO KEEP US SAFE I NEEDED TO TAKE ACTION. CAROL ANNE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE TOO MUCH WORK TO PRIVATISE THE BLOG AND THEN TRY TO RE ADD ALL OF OUR FRIENDS. I REMEMBERED THAT MOST OF YOU WERE ALREADY RE ADDED FROM WHEN WE PRIVATISED THINGS A LITTLE WHILE BACK.
SO IT WAS PRETTY EASY REALLY.
AND I’M HAPPY WITH OUR DECISION. AND MY BLOG FRIEND MTO IS RIGHT. I NEED TO STAND FIRM. I NEED TO BE FIRM ABOUT THIS DECISION. AND I AM. AND I WILL NOT BACK DOWN I WILL KEEP US SAFE. WE DESERVE THAT.
LIZ

i’m so done with flashbacks

Trigger warning for abuse content within this post.

i’m really, really done with them. i wish they’d stop coming. they come on suddenly. and leave me paralysed. fearful. i because a hot mess. not grounded in the present. i woke up tonight at 2:30 AM. i had been having intense CSA flashbacks, about oliver, Oliver abused me for 3 years, from age 11 to age 14. he was a care taker in my school, in the school for the blind. he started off with just remarks “oh you look nice” or “your hair is lovely”. innocent enough people would say. but those remarks led to bigger things. like when i’d be sent to get my library books at reception, and he’d be there. and he’s be so creepy, laughing and saying come here, its so nice to see you, come and lets talk. I was on my own and scared. To scared to say no and run away. so I’d go over to him. it is then that he’d touch me. at first it was outside my clothes, on my back, shoulders, thies, etc. He’s stroke them and make crude remarks. I was 11 and so confused. I thought this is not nornal, but maybe it is, how was I suppose to know, I’d been being abused by others since I was 5. It was all I knew.
Over time the abuse from Oliver got worse. He’d have sex with me. He brought my best friend in to it, he told her if she told he’d kill both of us and then go after our family. We were petrified of him. he was so big, so strong, we were defenseless and small.
My best friend was constantly urging me to tell someone, please, she’d say, please tell someone, I can help you. But I was ashamed, scared, overwhelmed, confused, and I had no one to turn to.
Eventually in december 1994, I told my art teacher. And it was then everything changed for me for a second time. Oliver was confronted. And he denied all of it. My mom was interrogated. They said to her that I had serious psychological issues and to go get me some help. Then my mom said she wasnt sure she believed me, I never forgave her for that.
I was alone again. And i was so scared.
What if Oliver made good on his threats to kill me? and my family?

so getting back to tonight. I dreamed he was coming after me with a knife. i woke up just as he was sticking it into me. And saying, you little bitch, you ruined my family, now I’m going to end your life.
Fear gripped me. I jumped up and out of bed. Ran to the nurses station. I needed to hear a friendly voice. I was petrified.
Eventually after taking a haldol prn I was able to go back to sleep, only to wake 2 hours later with intense nightmares again. This time about abuse I’d endured not from oliver, from the head nun at the school. I wont go into it here its for another post. Needless to say I was terrified again when I went out to the nurses station. The nurse Ber came in and made me tea and sat talking to me for a couple of minutes, it helped calm me down and now I am feeling a little bit better.
Flashbacks are just the worst, and nightmares suck.

I GIVE UP

I GIVE UP. I’M DONE. JUST RECIEVED AN EMAIL FROM A PERSON I DIDNT WANT TO HEAR FROM. SET OFF ALL SORTA SHIT INTERNALLY. FEELING VERY VERY SUICIDAL RIGHT NOW. THANK GOD FOR NITRO. THATS ALL I CAN SAY. WISH MY ABUSERS WOULD FUCK OFF. THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE ME BE. I REALLY WOULD BE BETTER OFF DEAD. ITS MY ONLY ESCAPE FROM THE FUCKERS. BUT IF I KILL MYSELF THEY WIN. AND DAMN IF I AM GOING TO LET THEM WIN. BUT THE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE SO STRONG RIGHT NOW. COME ON MORNING COME QUICKLY. I FUCKING HATE NIGHT TIME.

LIZ