WE MADE IT WE GOT THROUGH THE RITUAL WEEKEND AND WE’RE OK!

THIS IS WILLOW. I JUST WANTED TO COME TO WRITE A QUICK UPDATE.

WE MADE IT AND WE GOT THROUGH THE HOLIDAY THIS PAST WEEKEND, ON FRIDAY THERE WAS A RITUAL HOLIDAY, AND WE WERE FEELING VERY SCARED AND TRIGGERED, AND THINKING WE MAY NOT BE OK.

WE THOUGHT WE MAY BE CONTACTED AND ONE OF THE LOYAL DARKS WOULD MAYBE GO TO THE PEOPLE WHO CONTACT US, WHO ARE ACTUALLY PAST ABUSERS. BUT THEY DIDNT! WE WERE OK! WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS FOR THE WEEKEND AS PLANNED, AND EVERYTHING WAS OK! WHAT A HUGE RELIEF IT IS TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT WE’RE OK AND WE MADE IT!

YOU DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME TO BE ABLE TO SAY IT!

I EMAILED EILEEN YESTERDAY TO LET HER KNOW WE’RE OK! SHE DIDNT RESPOND TO ME BUT I KNEW SHE WOULDNT. I’M SURE WE’LL HAVE A TON TO TALK ABOUT TOMORROW WITH HER IN OUR SESSION!

THIS IS ONE OF THE FIRST MAJOR RITUAL DATES WHERE NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO US. THAT IN ITSELF IS HUGE! IT MEANS THAT FINALLY THE ABUSERS ARE HAVING LESS POWER OVER US! YAY!

I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER! AM SO, SO GRATEFUL THAT WE DIDNT GET HURT AND AM SO SO GRATEFUL THAT WE WERE ABLE TO RESIST GOING WITH THEM!
WILLOW

Virus-free. www.avg.com

FUCKING HELL

GOD DAMN PEOPLE! SOMETIMES THEY JUST, WELL, MAKE ME PISSY!
SOMEONE, WHO I WILL NOT MENTION, CONTACTED ME, AND IT WAS NOT PLEASANT. THE SOMEONE IS A PERSON FROM OUR PAST. A PERSON WHO WAS PART OF OUR ABUSE.
THEY TRIGGERED THE FUCK OUTA ME AND NOW I WANT TO FUCKING KICK THE SHIT OUTA THEM!
GOD DAMN IT WHY CANT THE ABUSERS FUCK THE HELL OFF!
LIZ

JusJoJan 15th

Your prompt for January 15th, 2018, brought to you by the lovely Barb, is “Justice.” Use it any way you’d like in your post. And make sure you visit Barb at her blog, “Gallimaufry,” to read her post and say hi! Here’s her link: https://barbct.wordpress.com/

Here are the general rules to follow for Just Jot it January:

1. Just Jot It January starts January 1st, but it’s never too late to join in! Here, we run on the honour system; the “jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post, it can even be a grocery list) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to your blog that day, great! If it waits a week to get from a sticky note to your screen, no problem!

2. I’ll post the daily prompts at 2am my time (GMT -5), every day except for Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness (SoCS) prompt–you’ll find that one on Friday morning at 9:30am. That daily post (i.e. this one) will be where you leave your link for others to find in the comment section. There will be a prompt for every day except Wednesday, when the prompt is simply my One-Liner Wednesday.

3. As long as your blog is on WordPress, you’ll be able to link via pingback. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL from the daily prompt post, and paste it anywhere in your post. Check to make sure your link shows up where you want it to, and go back occasionally to see other bloggers’ entries – the more you visit others, the more they’ll visit you! If you’re participating from another blogging host, just drop a link into the comment section. Note: The newest pingbacks and comments will appear at the top.

4. Tag your post JusJoJan and/or #JusJoJan.

5. Write anything! Any length will do! It can even be a photo or a drawing – you’re going to title it, right? There’s your jot!

6. The prompts are here both to remind you and to inspire you to write. However, you don’t have to use the prompt word of the day. You can link any kind of jot back here. Note: If it’s 18+ content, please say so in a comment with your link or close to your pingback.

7. If you’d like to, use the JusJoJan badge so that others can find your post more easily.

8. Have fun!

Justice. well, today I am going to write about justice. did I get justice for what happened to me? for the abuse I went through.

sort of. I didn’t take my abusers to court. but I did get some money for what they did to me. its a long story. but basically they admitted wrong doing, well not the abusers but the school in Dublin. the nuns who were running it.

they admitted they failed us. and they gave a settlement so that I wouldn’t go to a general court.

I didn’t want to anyway. I couldn’t. I’m not strong enough to face a general court. It would be too much.

So I took the settlement. that was in 2007. I still had to go through the motions.

I had to make a statement. I had to talk to a solicitor. I had to talk about the abuse in detail. I just didn’t have to stand in a court and be examined. my barrister did all the talking for me.

was justice served? not really. they got th elast word, not me.

I’m a girl who cant make up her mind…

i’m a girl who cant make up my mind
what to do
where to go
should i stay
should i run
and hide away
no
i should blog
people care
they are here
listening
they are there for me
through thick and thin
and i love them for it
appreciate the friendship
and support i get
wouldnt be with out it
so i stay
and i pray
no toxic people
or creeps
or abusers
find me
and i hope
that i have made the right decision

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOU

HOW MUCH I WANT TO HURT YOU

RIP YOUR DICK OFF

AND RIP YOUR EYES OUT

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW FILLED WITH RAGE I AM

HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE

WITH FLASHBACKS DAILY

NIGHTMARES EACH NIGHT

LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE YOUR AFRAID TO BREATHE

AFRAID TO MOVE

JUMP AT EVERY SOUND

AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF

AFRAID TO SPEAK

TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING

FOR FEAR THEY WONT BELIEVE YOU

FOR FEAR THEY’LL REJECT YOU

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

WHAT ABUSE DID TO ME

WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR VIEW?

I DOUBT IT

I DOUBT YOUR CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE

YOUR A MONSTER

A CRUEL MONSTER

AN EVIL MONSTER

AN ABUSER

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW

THAT I HATE YOU

WITH a VENGENCE

AND I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING

YOU MAKE MY STOMACH CHURN

MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP

YOU ARE NOTHING

A NOBODY

BUT YOU MADE SURE

THAT I WOULD BE LEFT

WITH A LIFE TIME OF SCARS

AND A LIFE TIME OF HEALING

FUCK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

YES. YOU. YOU MONSTER. YOU FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH. FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU PUT US THROUGH.

I HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. YOU ARE SCUM. YOU ARE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW. YOU ARE NOTHING. I HOPE YOU DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH.

I WISH YOU SUFFERED THE WAY I SUFFER. COULD YOU HANDLE IT? DOUBTFUL.

YOU WILL NEVER EVER HURT ANY OF US AGAIN. I’LL MAKE SURE OF THAT. I’LL SMASH YOUR FACE IN IF YOU EVER TRY.

YES I AM HERE AND I WILL DEFEND OUR SYSTEM. I WILL DEFEND US FROM MONSTERS LIKE YOU.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
LIZ

PAST ABUSERS FOUND US AND NEGATIVE COMMENTS FROM JUDGEMENTAL PEOPLE

ONE REASON I PRIVATISED THE BLOG WAS BECAUSE A PAST ABUSER FOUND US AND STARTED FOLLOWING US. I TRIED TO ASK THE PEOPLE AT WORDPRESS IF I CAN REMOVE THEM BUT I GOT NO RESPONSE. I THINK YOU CANT REMOVE A FOLLOWER, I THINK SOMEONE AT WORDPRESS HAS TO DO IT FOR YOU. SO YEAH THAT WASNT GOOD.
THEN WE GOT SOME REALLY NEGATIVE COMMENTS. PEOPLE COMMENTING THAT JUST DID NOT UNDERSTAND MULTIPLICITY OR PARTS. IT WAS REALLY UPSETTING.
THEN WE HAD SOME PEOPLE SPEWING RELIGION AND I DIDNT LIKE THAT. I’M NOT IN THE LEAST BIT RELIGIOUS. YES I PRAY AND STUFF BUT I DONT GO TO CHURCH AND I DONT REALLY BELIEVE IN A GOD, I’M NOT SURE WHO I BELIEVE IN OR WHAT I BELIEVE IN REALLY.
ANYWAY. I DECIDED IN ORDER TO KEEP US SAFE I NEEDED TO TAKE ACTION. CAROL ANNE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE TOO MUCH WORK TO PRIVATISE THE BLOG AND THEN TRY TO RE ADD ALL OF OUR FRIENDS. I REMEMBERED THAT MOST OF YOU WERE ALREADY RE ADDED FROM WHEN WE PRIVATISED THINGS A LITTLE WHILE BACK.
SO IT WAS PRETTY EASY REALLY.
AND I’M HAPPY WITH OUR DECISION. AND MY BLOG FRIEND MTO IS RIGHT. I NEED TO STAND FIRM. I NEED TO BE FIRM ABOUT THIS DECISION. AND I AM. AND I WILL NOT BACK DOWN I WILL KEEP US SAFE. WE DESERVE THAT.
LIZ