this week one of the writing prompts on mamas losin it is as follows
Take a line from a song you love and turn it into the title of your next blog post. Let the content follow.
The song I am choosing is Carrie Underwoods lessons learned.
I have learned many lessons from my abusers. Lessons I should have never had to learn.
I should have been allowed to be a child. Instead my childhood was ruined, tainted, taken.
Lessons I have learned from my abusers:
fear everyone and everything
never trust a man
hide, always hide
never speak your truth
never let your voice be heard
I am vile
My body is just a play thing
I am an object
I don’t matter
I have no value
I am weak
I am powerless and helpless
It is ok for people to do what they want to me
So as you can see, I learned so many awful things from those who abused me. It has taken years but I am slowly relearning them.
i cant do this. im a hopeless case.
he said so. he said im bad. a lost cause.
i need to die. i need to end it.
he said so. he said it would be for the best.
im just taking up space in this world. space that i dont deserve.
why did he have to email me?
I HATE YOU I FUCKING DESPISE YOU YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME MY INNOCENCE MY CHILDHOOD MY DREAMS MY HOPES BUT THERE IS ONE THING YOU DID NOT TAKE MY SPIRIT YOU COULD NEVER TAKE THAT SO GO TO HELL AND I HOPE YOU FEEL THE PAIN I FELT SOME DAY YOU DESERVE IT
TO MY ABUSERS
FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE WHAT YOU DID. I WANT TO CUT OFF YOUR DICKS, YOUR TONGUES, YOUR BALLS…YES I WANT TO MAKE YOU HURT AND SCRAM OUT IN PAIN AND I WILL LAUGH MY DAMN ASS OFF. YOU ARE ASSHOLES, ALL OF YOU. YOU DONT DESERVE TO LIVE. YOU DESERVE A SLOW AND VERY PAINFUL DEATH. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THE KIDS YOU HURT? INCLUDING ME? NO, PROBABLY NOT. YOUR SELFISH MOTHERFUCKERS SO NO YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELVES. YOUR ALL ROTTEN TO THE CORE. DESPICABLE HUMAN BEINGS. SOME DAY YOU WILL FACE JUDGEMENT WHEN YOU DIE. AND I HOPE WHATEVER THAT LOOKS LIKE IT WILL BE TORTOROUS FOR YOU. YOU HAVE LEFT ME WITH A LIFE TIME OF HEALING. PTSD, DID, ANXIETY, NIGHTMARES, ERATIC SLEEP, DEPRESSION, YES A LIFETIME OF FUCKING TRAUMA. YOU ARE DISGUSTING EVIL LOWEST OF THE LOW HUMANS. GO, FUCK YOURSELVES, FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME AND FOR ROBBING INNOCENT KIDS OF THE CHANCE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.
i do not
inhabit my dreams
you cause me to scream
and i thik they’ll
but i do not
you to come anywhere
near me ever again
you stole enough from me in childhood
i do not permit
watch me as i flourish
and start to feel
YES YOU, GO TAKE A RUNNING JUMP, OFF A BRIDGE, TAKE A HIKE, FUCK OFF, DONT BOTHER ME, I AM NOT HERE FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, I AM NOT HERE FOR YOU TO PLAY MIND GAMES WITH. YOU HAVE NO IDEA DO YOU? NO, AND YOU DONT CARE. YOU ARE SELFISH. YOU ARE HEARTLESS. YOU SPEW YOUR VENUM WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT FOR THOSE IN THE FIRING LINE. WELL. JUST FUCK OFF. LEAVE US BE. SPREAD YOUR HATE ELSEWHERE. WE ARE NOT LISTENING ANY MORE.
I AM ANGRY. I AM ANGRY AT THE MAN WHO TOOK SO MUCH FROM ME IN MY CHILDHOOD.
AT HIM WONT MAKE HIM SEE WHAT HE HAS DONE. HE DOESNT CARE. THATS HARD TO SWALLOW. HE IS A THIEF, ROBBING ME OF MY INNOCENCE.
AT HIM, PENETRATING HIS SOUL WITH MY ANGER WONT DO ME ANY GOOD. I WONT HEAL, AND HE WILL STILL WIN.
I WILL NOT CHOOSE TO STAY ANGRY. I WILL NOT CHOOSE
INSTEAD I CHOOSE TO HEAL