Dr Barry wants me to feel safe

We saw Dr Barry yesterday. I was nervous all day before our appointment. I had to build myself up to it. I kept thinking something would go wrong or I wouldnt be able to talk to her like I usually can. But I neednt have worried. She was in a really good mood when she came to get me from the waiting room. When we went in to the office and sat down she simply asked me how I was doing and I was able to start and open up quite easily.
I told her about last week. About how after we did up the report and worked on it that parts got really triggered and some were even suicidal. She asked me to explain to her how that manifested so I did. She listened and then she said she was not going to send the report. That she felt it would be in our best interests not to send it right now. That we were too fragile and she didnt want to unsettle us further. That maybe in a few months things would be different. But for now she would not submit it.
I told her I didnt want her to get in to any trouble. That I knew the police were requesting this and if she didnt comply would she get into trouble because I certainly didnt want that. She said not to worry, that if they sent a letter to her she would deal with it, but that I shouldnt worry about her and whether not submitting the report would cause her to get into trouble, that if they wrote to her she’d just tell them we werent emotionally ready and that is why she was waiting.
I told her how liz, one of our parts had said that the police really didnt care anyway, because it had been a year since they wrote to her and in that year they hadnt wrote back to see what the status of the report was or whether it was close to being done. Liz thinks they just dont care about us so that is why they didnt bother. Dr Barry said its probably that the information is sitting on someones desk and wont be looked at unless the report goes in to them. Either way we’re very unsure. We’ve had bad experiences with the police in the past and now we just dont trust them.
But the main thing? Dr Barry wants us to feel safe. She doesnt want us unsettled and feeling overwhelmed or like its all too much for us. She is ensuring our safety and I am so grateful to her for that.
The rest of the appointment we spent talking about college, therapy, sleep, my upcoming weekend away, family, etc. We jumped around a lot from one thing to another. I think I was in with her for over an hour. Mark our OT has left a note in our file about last weeks meeting which Dr Barry read out to me. It was so nice to hear him talk about us exceling in our exams, and doing so well. It made me have a warm feeling inside.

Dr Barry and our triggers

I’ll be seeing Dr Barry today. And I am so nervous. The truth is doing up the police report last time really triggered us. And I need to talk to her about that. And part of me screams no. I dont want to. I want to forget it. I dont wanna go there. But I cant forget it. The report is real. And soon it will be sent to the police, and my info will be out there. And there is no hiding from that. I need to let Dr Barry know how suicidal parts were because of the report. How just having info about our diagnosis, and our current difficulties going out to people that dont know us very well, is so scary to us. I know she’ll understand. So why am I so scared to talk to her about it? Why does it feel so risky? She has done an awesome job with the report. She wrote it in a way that makes things real but also portrays us well. I guess its just the realness of it. The fact that now these strangers know things about us, about our life, about where we’ve been…it just somehow feels bad or wrong or not ok. I wonder if she’s sent it in yet. Its the doing of it, and then the waiting for what will happen next, its all just so overwhelming. I think the best thing to do today is just blurt everything out to her. And take it from there. Dont hold back, easier said than done. I think what I need to remember is that she is on our side. She wants us to be able to trust her and talk to her and she will do what she can to help us feel safe. Deep down I know that and I do believe it.

30 days of writing challenge, day 8

Day 8: Share something you struggle with

I struggle a lot with intense flashbacks. This is due to the fact I was abused. I live with the aftermath of that abuse in the form of PTSD. The flashbacks are hard to deal with. They can literally come at any time, day or night. Sometimes when they come they debilitate me. They make my life a living hell.

Safety is an issue

yesterday in therapy the focus was on abuse. cult abuse. and cult abusers. i hate talking about that stuff. its so difficult to talk about. our safety is an issue once again. we live alone and people have been bothering us. and safety has become a huge issue. when insiders are triggered they do things they shouldnt. like opening the door to bad people. or answering the phone or emails. and its so hard because there is no way of knowing when things are gonna happen. when will we be at risk? we never know. and eileen wanted to discuss safety. so we did. but it triggered a whole lot of other stuff. and i got mad about it all. and then eileen thought i was mad at her. but i wasnt i was just mad at the situation. the whole 90 minutes was spent discussing safety and options for this coming weekend. she said we’d deal with it bit by bit, day by day. thats all we can do, she kept saying. but she thinks we need to have another conversation about our living arrangements. i’m not sure. i dont want us to have to give up our independence. that is what they want. but i know we need to be safe too so its all very confusing. at the end of our session i asked her for a hug. and she gave us a bear hug which felt so good. it was so sootheing. and felt so safe. i just love it when we get to hug her. on the way home i texted her. and i told her thanks for caring, it meant a lot. and she texted me back and said of coursee i care. one really nice thing she said at the end of our session? when i hugged her i said how much i hate this time of year. to which she said…i hate that your not safe. and that your on your own. that really cemented for me how much she cares and how sweet she is to think of us and our situation like that.