WE ARE A HOT MESS

I’M A HOT MESS TONIGHT. OH YES I AM. TRYING TO HELP LIZ RUN THINGS IN OUR SYSTEM, WELL ITS HER SYSTEM NOT MINE BUT I AM HELPING HER OUT SHE IS STRESSING OUT. REPORTER ALTERS ARE AROUND AND THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE CHAOS. ZOE AND ALANNA BOTH ARE WORKING IN THERAPY WITH EILEEN NOW AND THAT HAS STIRRED UP OTHERS AND THEY ARE WREAKING HAVOC. ITS A NIGHTMARE. WE’RE JUST A CRAZY HOT MESS. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST. THESE ALTERS NEED NEW JOBS. CONTACTING OUR ABUSERS FROM THE PAST BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS THEIR JOB, THATS JUST NUTS.
WENDY

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REPORTER ALTER

HI MY NAME IS ZOE. I AM 21. AND I AM A REPORTER ALTER. THAT MEANS, I REPORT BACK TO OUR ABUSERS WHEN I FEEL THREATENED, OR I DID, I AM TRYING TO UNLEARN THAT BEHAVIOUR AS OF TODAY. TODAY I TALKED WITH EILEEN IN THERAPY. SO DID MY SISTER, ALANNA WHO IS 23, WE TALKED ABOUT INTRAJECTS, AND PROGRAMMING, WHAT OUR JOB CONSISTED OF ETC. EILEEN SAID SHE HAD TO TALK TO US BEFORE ANYONE ELSE IN THE SYSTEM COULD TELL HER ANYTHING, BECAUSE IN THE TELLING OF THINGS, IT WAS DESTABILISING US REPORTER ALTERS. I WONT GO INTO THE DETAILS OF HOW I CAME TO BE NOW, I’LL TRY TO WRITE MORE ON THAT IN ANOTHER POST, BUT SUFFICE TO SAY THERAPY TODAY WAS SO HARD. IT WAS VERY, VERY INTENSE. BUT I AM GLAD I CAME OUT, IT WAS SO WORTH IT. EILEEN HAS A WAY ABOUT HER, A WAY OF DRAWING YOU OUT, WITHOUT YOU EVEN REALISING SHE’S EVEN DOING IT. ITS NOT IN A BAD WAY, ITS JUST HER GENTLE NATURE, HER WARM TONES IN HER VOICE, ITS EASY TO TALK TO HER AND FEEL SAFE WITH HER. I’M EXHAUSTED TONIGHT AFTER THERAPY, THOUGH. SO ITS AN EARLY NIGHT FOR US I THINK.
ZOE

Well its morning good morning all :-)

Good morning everyone 🙂

I’m about to have breakfast. I feel much better after going back to bed and going back to sleep for another hour. That did me the power of good. It was just what I needed. Thank you to those of you who commented on my last post. I appreciate the support and friendship. Today is going to be a good day. We are cooking. We are making vegetable soup and chicken Caesar wraps. I will post pictures later of the recipes to.

So, happy Tuesday everyone, hope you have a great day

Poem…the house

This house is full of horrors,
This house, it owns no love.
The air is filled with madness,
The floor boards moan in sadness.
The sounds it makes at night,
And the walls, blood red and white,
Represent the turmoil thats going on inside,
But everything is perfect on the outside.
The grass is trimmed,
The flowers bloomed,
The hedges cut,
The paint renewed,
So people walking by they smile,
And continue on their way.
But the house it cannot move,
For a house wasnt built with feet to run,
Or a mouth or eyes,
To tell you somethings wrong.
This house it carries on,
It has to stand up strong,
To support the demons ruining
All the paint work.
They will rip it all to shreds,
Tare it up until its nearly dead,
Without a detectable scratch upon the surface.
The house it cannot show
The scars it bares inside,
And its figured thats all itll ever deserve.
Theres no way to break the cycle
trust me its tried,
And all its done is made itself cry,
Which resulted in a leak down from the roof.
The house was beat
And still no outward proof.
There never was,
Nor will there ever be,
Someone there to help it carry on.

DAMN, AND HE’S DONE IT, AGAIN

YEAH, GUYS, HE HAS, MY DAD, GONE AND FUCKING PISSED ME OFF AND HE’S LUCKY I DONT BEAT HIM WITH A FUCKING CHAIR OR SOMETHING, OK, THAT MIGHT BE A TAD O T T, BUT I AM THIS MAD WITH HIM, THAT I ACTUALLY COULD HARM HIM, SO I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE WAY!
EARLIER TODAY, MOM AND ME WERE FILLING OUT FORMS. THEY WERE FORMS ABOUT OUR BENEFITS. BEING A PRICK, AND THINKING HE KNOWS BEST, HE KEPT BUTTING IN, TELLING US WHAT TO DO, I TOLD HIM TO BUTT OUT NICELY, HE DIDNT, I YELLED AT HIM, HE YELLED AT ME, TRIGGERED THE HELL OUTA SOME OF THE YOUNGER INSIDERS HERE WITH HIS SUPER LOUD VOICE.
SO HE THEN PROCEEDS TO CALL MOM AND ME STUPID. AND HE SAID WE ARE THICK, AND TO LEAVE THE FORMS FOR HIM TO FILL OUT HIMSELF, BECAUSE WE HAVENT A CLUE WHAT WE ARE DOING.
BY THIS POINT, I WAS FURIOUS. I YELLED AT HIM SOME MORE, I COULD FEEL MY TEMPER RISING AND RISING. MY MOM HATES CONFLICT, SO SHE WAS TRYING TO BE THE PEACEMAKER.
IN THE END I WALKED OUT, I LEFT HIM GOING ON AND ON STILL ABOUT IT, TALKING TO NOBODY, AS BY THIS STAGE NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO HIM ANY MORE.
WHY IS MY FAMILY SO DISFUNCTIONAL, I FEEL SO ASHAMED OF HIS BEHAVIOUR AND OF MINE TOO…
HOW COULD HE CALL HIS OWN WIFE AND DAUGHTER THICK AND STUPID?
LIZ

Poetry

it didnt take long
for you to break me
take my innocence
make me a puppet
compliant and mute
it didnt take long
for you to silence me
with your threats
it didnt take long
for you to batter and bruise me
so that i had to create
the only ones in whom i could trust
and confide in
it didnt take long
it didnt take long
and now the memories remain
they drive me insane
yes
it didnt take long at all
for all of this to happen

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOU

HOW MUCH I WANT TO HURT YOU

RIP YOUR DICK OFF

AND RIP YOUR EYES OUT

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW FILLED WITH RAGE I AM

HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE

WITH FLASHBACKS DAILY

NIGHTMARES EACH NIGHT

LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE YOUR AFRAID TO BREATHE

AFRAID TO MOVE

JUMP AT EVERY SOUND

AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF

AFRAID TO SPEAK

TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING

FOR FEAR THEY WONT BELIEVE YOU

FOR FEAR THEY’LL REJECT YOU

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

WHAT ABUSE DID TO ME

WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR VIEW?

I DOUBT IT

I DOUBT YOUR CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE

YOUR A MONSTER

A CRUEL MONSTER

AN EVIL MONSTER

AN ABUSER

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW

THAT I HATE YOU

WITH a VENGENCE

AND I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING

YOU MAKE MY STOMACH CHURN

MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP

YOU ARE NOTHING

A NOBODY

BUT YOU MADE SURE

THAT I WOULD BE LEFT

WITH A LIFE TIME OF SCARS

AND A LIFE TIME OF HEALING

FUCK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME