The book pimped

I’m reading a fantastic book at the moment, it’s called pimped and it’s by Samantha Owens. It’s a really really good read and I would highly recommend it.

It’s a non-fiction book, a memoir, a true life story.

The thing is this poor teenager had to go through our shocking, really shocking. But they are all to relate able to me some of them at least especially the sexual abuse. Since I was abused not in the same way but in a similar way. I mean I wasn’t pimped out to men, it wasn’t that sort of abuse, but I was raped and so I can relate to what she went through in that way.

If you’re not easily triggered, and you enjoy true stories, I would highly recommend this book to you.

It’s available on audible and probably in kindle format as well.

Been reading

I’ve been reading my book for the last two hours. It’s by Casey Watson. It’s called a dark secret. It’s a good read although the reader dries me crazy. However I am liking the story so far. I have about two hours of it left to read. Will probably finish reading it today. It’s been nice to just relax and read. I sat in the kitchen with a coffee and my book and I was as happy as could be. I’m hoping to finish it today and once I finish it I will review it.

Denial

sitting on her bed
an intense pain in her heart
razor in hand
she thinks
should I?
Thoughts fill her mind
Did I?
When?
How?
Where? Did she care?
The denial was strong
He hadn’t sexually abused her had he?
But the evidence couldn’t be disputed
Indeed he had
And now, she sat
A razor blade in her hand
Ready to slice her skin
As the pain…
The pain overwhelmed her
She looked out the window
As thoughts continued to race around her head
Would she be better off dead?
Would anyone care?
Would it be fair to her family?
To put them through this pain?
But she was in pain too
And the man who caused her so much pain
In her childhood
He was free
She wished the denial wasn’t so strong
Denial is a scary thing
You really start believing it if your not careful

https://sammiscribbles.wordpress.com/2019/05/11/weekend-writing-prompt-105-denial/comment-page-1/#comment-6397

Elemental writing challenge, april 18th

Tears
Cascading down my face
A torrent of emotions surfacing
All at once
I weep uncontrollably
Thinking of all that I have lost
Innocence stolen
A childhood lost
To abuse and neglect
From people entrusted to care
Care they did not
Hurt, trauma and abuse
Was what they put me through
For many, many years
My tears flow
Like a river
I wonder if the waters will ever subside

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2019/04/18/elemental-writing-challenge-april-18/

Kelly and therapy yesterday

Hi guys
My name is Kelli. I am 16 years old.
I dont come out to often. But I wanted to come out and write about the time I spent in therapy yesterday with eileen. I had a really good session. It was really useful to be able to talk things out with Eileen. She is a really good therapist, and she was so nice to me.
I am a dark, in Liz’s system. I have a lot of trouble with contacting abusers, I dont initiate it, but when they email us I have responded to them before. I know now that this wasnt a good idea. I should be staying away from them. I do know this now. And I am trying hard.
I want to do right by our system. Liz doesnt allow us to contact the abusers. When she found out I did it, I got in a lot of trouble.
So she said I had to go to therapy and talk. So thats what I did.
Me and Eileen talked about my feelings surrounding the abusers, I have a lot of feelings that are very confusing. In a way contacting them makes me feel valued. Even though deep down I know they are using me. I know they dont care, I talked to eileen about the response I got from one of them when I told him I wouldnt be meeting him over easter, he got mad at me and threatened to hurt the kids in my system.
Thats a huge worry for me, as they’ve been though enough trauma and hurt in the past from abuse and I dont want that to happen to them again.
Eileen asked me if I’d be disappointed if they didnt contact me. I had to think on that for a while. I guess honestly? Yes, but only because its part of who I am, I’ve always been abused, and I dont know any other way to be. I dont have another job, or role in our system, but I am going to try out some stuff, starting this weekend, I am going to come out when we’re away with our mom, and go shopping, and eat out etc. Just to see what thats like. Normally I am only out for reasons that are bad or when someone needs to respond to an email from an abuser.
It will be good to be out for something else, some other reason.
I am glad I talked in therapy. I was able to see a lot. Wendy offered to support me which was also nice. She’s been through this in the past, and Eileen asked her specifically if she’d be willing to support me through it.
I am so glad I have people inside who get it, and I have eileen, dr. barry and all of you our friends too. Thanks for being there for us.
love you all,
Kelli age 16

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Its Prevent cruelty to animals day today

Did you know?
That today is Prevent Cruelty to Animals Day? In 1866, the ASPCA was founded on this date by Henry Bergh when he received a charter from the state of New York. ASPCA was the first humane society in the U.S. Celebrate today, and every day, by being kind to all animals.

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Its such a struggle

Night time sucks. It really fucking sucks.

I cant sleep. My mind is racing. My thoughts are a jumbled mess.

I’m switching like crazy. We’re really out of sorts tonight. At least my dog is asleep. Nitro is snoring softly, his snores are calming me a little bit.

I really feel awful. I feel so so low. I just want to burst out crying. I wont though. I cant.

I’m too scared that I wont be able to stop when I start. Maybe I should, maybe it’d be good to release the emotion that’s built up.

My day went ok, I mean mostly it was ok. But the anxiety is overwhelming tonight. My parents are both asleep, I’m the only one in the house whose up.

Maybe I can sleep soon. I hope I can.

Depression, and sadness feel so awful, they just totally suck, and I don’t want to feel if this is the way I feel. Its going on for days now, this horrible cycle of emotional overwhelm. I cant stand it.

If anyone is around could use a hug or some support.