You will fear me, child

she walks the corridors
rosary beads in hand
her cane ready to whip
any child who dares to ask questions
feel feelings
its not safe to feel them
oh no
sister paula
loved to assert her control
over us
little kids
afraid of everything
even their own shadow
beaten until you bleed
welts that are red and raw
punished for absolutely no reason
sick games
that she liked to play
because it made her feel all powerful
you will fear me, child
make no mistake about that
now run along
you are no good
you are so stupid
you will never amount to anything
you are a disgrace
these things I was told
for many, many years
beaten and abused
;hysically, sexually and psychologically
I did fear
I still do fear

I care, no child should have to feel anxious

hihihiii its emily
we had a hard therapy session
i talked to eileen
so did liz, but I had most of the session
we were talking about anxiety, and my anxiety
that was tough
i was very anxious
my heart was pounding, i was a mess
i was shaky and i felt really overwhelmed
eileen ask me to notice my body
she asked what parts of it feel anxious
i said in my tummy, my tummy felt like led
like a heavy weight is inside of it
then she said which part feels no anxiety
i said my arms and legs
they felt ok strong even
so then we did an exercise where we put our feet firmly on the ground
and we tried to move our foot from our heal to the front part of our foot without actually moving it
it was hard to do that
after a while i just sat with eileen, my younger insiders were around and eileen said that was ok
she said this to me
i feel so much care for the kids
their little bodies are so anxious
they are holding so much, and no child should have to feel that level of anxiety
i feel so much love and care for the kids
i want them to know they are safe now
it is ok
i am here, i am giving them my full attention
they deserve to have attention now, they never had it when you were little
i want them to know they can feel safe here in this room with me
i am here, and i care
that made me have tears, happy tears
eileen is such a gem
i love her so much
she’s so awesome!
she maked us all feel safe, feel validated, and feel good about ourselves
i told her we wanted to email her at the weekend but the dark teens wouldnt allow us they said she’d leave because we’d be too much for her
I’m not going anywhere, she said.. Can you hear me? I’m not leaving. I’m here, and I will be here, so do email me if you need to.
Then we did an exercise so that we could feel connected to her, we tried to figure out things she’d say to us, and one of the things she always says to us when we are with her and we’re worrying unnecessarily is, dont worry, there is no emergency, its ok, your safe, breathe, feet on the ground, and breathe. there is no emergency.
and now we know we can email her if we need to. she said she respects the dark teens for where they’re at, and therapy can go at their pace, she wants them to feel safe and like they can trust her and she knows they havent been heard in the past so she’s giving them a chance to feel heard now.
im glad i talked with her
it felt so good
i feel much calmer and much better now that I had almost the entire session
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily age 12

The bullies made a mockery of me but I came out stronger

You take pleasure
in taunting me
making a mockery of me
at least I know
Bullies always get what is coming to them
Maybe not right away
but in the end
I’d hope
that the bullies
Will somehow realise
How miserable they made my life
for all those years
years of name calling
of hurling insults
of hurting me physically
making my life a living hell
but I
am stronger
for what I’ve been through
It has made me a more resilient person
and I am fighting back


I read this brilliant article on scapegoating. I thought I’d share it here. There are steps in it on what to do to break the pattern of being the family scapegoat.

In our family, I was the scapegoat. I was always blamed for what went wrong. Especially by my dad. Sometimes by my mom too though.

I was blamed because I have mental illness, a mental illness that has been diagnosed. Because mine is diagnosed, and my dads isn’t, I was blamed, even when he was the one who was in the wrong.

Everything was always my fault, even when it actually wasn’t.

Things are a bit better nowadays, but I can still be blamed for things, my mom doesn’t blame me so much now, but my dad still does.

I did like this article. I thought it was very clearly explained in it what scapegoating is and how to break that pattern.

Book review: Bleak alley, stories from the margins, by Shane Dunphy

So this book by Shane Dunphy was really good!
Shane dunphy is a social worker, or he was. He’s now a journalist, I think he got burn out so he quit being a child protection worker. He lives in ireland, in the south east of ireland.
He has written a lot of books, but there are only two on audible at present. This one, bleak alley, is his latest book. Its superb!
Its six hours in length!
It tells the story of Mikey, who lives in black alley, which is nicknamed bleak alley. Mikey had a bad upbringing, and has gotten involved in a gang. Shane tries to work with Mikey and get him to see that being in a gang isnt the only way.
Mikeys mother is schizophrenic, and his dad is an alcoholic and regulary beats both Mikey and his mother.
There are many twists and turns in the book, I wont spoil the story, but it is well worth a look, if you enjoy true stories, and authors like cathy glass, maggie hartley, casey watson etc.
Plus another thing that makes shane’s book special is that he reads his own book. I love when authors do that. It really brings a personal touch to the story knowing he’s reading it.
He’s a great reader too!
I hope if you check out the book that you enjoy it as much as I did! Its on audible, in paperback and on kindle.

i dont wanna go

its me emily
i dont wanna go to dublin this weekend
im so scared
but we’re going, cuz carol anne says we has to
she said she promised our friend
and he’s countin on us to go visit him
he’s been lonely and he needs the company
but im so scared of bein back there
back where all of our abuse happened
he lives close to where the school we went to is
thats gone now
its closed down
but im afraid what if we bump into someone we know
carol anne says we’re not going out anywhere
so we wont
but im still afraid
i just feel so trigered
every time i think of it
my heart starts thumping
and i start shakin real bad
we are going
but i thinks im going to have ta talk to eileen today
and work something out
for the kids
so we dont trigger everybody bad
and mabe eileen will allow me to text her
when we’re there
to check in
i hope shell say i can
butterfly hugs
love, em