well I ended up having an okish afternoon. I went to iceland, its a local grocery store, I had to buy some groceries for the month, mainly I had to buy slimming world meals, but I ended up buying other stuff as well. I spent 77 euro there. I wasnt planning on spending that much but oh well. It happened, and its done now.
I am happy with the things I got. My sister took me there. Afterwords she said she’d drop me back to my house with the food, so I could put it all away. That was nice of her. So we did that, and then I came back to mom and dads house.
Now we’ve just eaten dinner. I had a frozen meal for my dinner. I had this one with chicken and vegetables, and noodles in a sweet chili sauce. It was delicious and now I am stuffed.
I feel okish right now. Im sure when it comes to tonight I’ll be feeling bad again, but for now I feel ok, and I’ll take that.
its me emmy im 8
im aprils best frend
you know today you said you love us and care about us? and when you hear we been hurt and how much it makes you care more?
well i need to ask you if you only love us cuz of our abuse? or if you’d love us even if we hadnt been abused?
it makes me mad when people only love us cuz we been hurt?
i want you to love me for me and us for us and not just cuz we got hurt
will you? does that makes sense?
will you love us just cuz like does there have to be a reason or you can just love us cuz you think we’re cool?
like i dont only love you cuz your our therapist, i love you cuz your funny, and nice to emily, and nice to april and nice to everyone of us that you meet?
and your smart and we learn stuff from you and i like that and love you for teaching us?
so please please just love us for other stuff and not cuz of the abuse?
i dont wanna grow up
being a kid is scarier
yes, it is
im telling you now it is
being an abused kid
is the scariest thing
no I love you’s
no good night kisses
from loved ones
all i know is…
it drives me insane
is this the life i deserve?
i pray i grow up fast
but is growing up all it promises to be?
no, I dont think it is
but if it gets me away from the abuse
then its what i want
Emily age 12
This song I can really relate to. When I hear this song it makes me think of my abusers.
It makes me want to say, fuck you!
What do you think of it?
I think its a superb song!
Praying by Kesha
3 AM. about 6 cups of tea on bord. still no sleep.
the radio is keeping me company. i hope i’ll be able to go out later on this morning to the basement club. hoping i wont be too tired and dragging ass.
will do my best to go. need to also go volunteer in the afternoon. so will need to be awake enough to go do that.
just emailed eileen, well I didnt, but Liz did. She vented to her which is good for her. Eileen can handle it. I’m glad liz felt able to vent to her.
now just to get the kids settled. they’ve been very scared and unsettled tonight. they dont feel good at all. i’m sure they’ll be ok soon though. we’re taking good care of them all.
SO THERAPY FOR ME TODAY WAS HARD. I CAME OUT AND ME AND EILEEN TALKED. I WAS SO NERVOUS, BECAUSE I HAD TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT. THAT IS, WE GOT AN EMAIL THE OTHER DAY FROM A PAST ABUSER. THEY WANTED US TO GO TO A RITUAL MEETING THIS COMING FRIDAY, ITS A RITUAL HOLIDAY THIS WEEK AND WE ALWAYS GET CONTACTED AROUND HOLIDAY TIMES. SO I TOLD EILEEN THAT WE’D BEEN CONTACTED. THAT LED TO A VERY HARD CONVERSATION BETWEEN US ABOUT THE DARKS AND WHY IT IS THAT THEY FEEL THEY NEED TO RESPOND TO THE ABUSERS CONTACTING US. I WAS FINDING IT VERY DIFFICULT TO TALK SO EILEEN GAVE ME A SLINKY TO HOLD, IT IS KINDA COOL, YOU CAN MAKE IT GO UP AND DOWN, ITS STRETCHY, I HELD THAT, AND I PLAYED WITH IT AND THEN THE WORDS CAME OUT EASIER. ITS JUST EASIER TO TALK WHEN MY HANDS ARE BUSY DOING SOMETHING. SO WE TALKED A LOT. I TOLD EILEEN THAT WE’D PUT A PLAN IN PLACE, LIZ AND CAROL ANNE ARE WATCHING ALL INCOMING EMAIL, AND OUT GOING EMAIL, AND ON FRIDAY WE’LL GO VOLUNTEERING IN THE AFTERNOON AND THEN WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO OUR MOM AND DADS FOR THE WEEKEND. WE DIDNT RESPOND TO THE ABUSERS EMAIL EITHER. SOME OF THE DARKS WANTED TO BUT WE WERE ABLE TO RESIST THE URGE. THANK GOD. ALL I EVER REMEMBER FROM BEFORE IS GOING THERE AND GETTING HURT, WHAT THE ABUSERS WOULD DO IS GET ONE OF THE DARKS TO GO THERE AND MEET THEM, AND THEN GET ANOTHER INSIDER MOSTLY IT WOULD BE A KID, TO COME OUT AND THEN THEY’D HURT SAID KID. SO IT WAS ALWAYS POINTLESS FOR US TO GO, THEY WERENT INTERESTED IN THE DARKS, ONLY TO CORRESPOND WITH THEM AND GET THEM TO GET US THERE. AFTER THAT THEY DIDNT CARE. EILEEN ASKED ME TODAY IF THE DARKS WHO BELIEVED THAT THEY DID CARE COULD SEE THAT ACTUALLY THEY DONT. I SAID NO, I DONT THINK THEY CAN. I THINK GIVEN HALF A CHANCE THEY’D STILL GO, AS THEY ARE PROGRAMMED TO DO THAT. SHE VALIDATED THEM AND SAID SHE CAN UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN AND FRUSTRATION. SHE SAID WHEN THEY ARE READY TO TALK THAT SHE’LL BE THERE TO TALK TO THEM. SHE SAID SHE’D LOVE TO TALK TO THEM. I SAID I THINK THEY’LL BE READY SOON. THEY SEEM MORE AND MORE INTERESTED IN THERAPY AND IN WHAT WE’RE DOING. SO I HOPE THEY’LL COME OUT TO TALK TO HER SOON. IN THE MEANTIME WE JUST HAVE TO BE VIGILENT AND WATCH THINGS CLOSELY. THE LAST THING WE WANT IS FOR ANY OF US TO BE HURT.
A STORM IS HERE, ME!
IM JUST AN EMOTIONAL WRECK RIGHT NOW!
HOW I FEEL TONIGHT?
FUCKED UP, EMOTIONAL, OVERWHELMED, INSECURE, IRRATIONAL, DISSOCIATIVE, AND ENRAGED!
YEAH BABY! THATS ME!
ANYONE CARE TO JOIN MY SHIT SHOW?