Krista: I feel so much shame

its krista. in case you all don’t remember, i’m 11 years old.
right now I feel so so bad. my head hurts so much.
ive been out for a while, and I am trying not to go on the internet, and go into chatrooms. I know I shouldn’t do it. I really wish I didn’t think about sex so much.
I really don’t want to think about it. but it happens. I do. I feel so ashamed. I feel terrible and so bad about myself!
why cant I feel good about my body? why do I hate it so much?
I didn’t ask to be hurt! men hurt me and I didn’t want it!
but they didn’t care! they didn’t care how I felt or what happened to me!
they just wanted to do what they were doing and it didn’t matter how I felt.
it hurts! I am feeling so much shame about what they did!
I also feel ashamed about the fact that I still let people do things to me sexually even if its just on the internet!
why cant I be more like my twin kira! she would never talk about sex or do sexual stuff with anyone!
Eileen said kira had me to protect her and she depended on me and I was the one who was outspoken and kira wasn’t and so now she’s shy and timid and afraid and I am not and she said how it was very creative for us to split like we did!
I am so glad I will see Eileen tomorrow!
I need to talk to her so bad!
right now I am going to try to do something other than go in a chatroom! maybe I can find a good tv show or listen to some music!
is anyone around? if you are maybe you’d leave me a nice comment!
thanks guys! ❤ ❤

krista age 11

Guest post From Alex, personal narrative, triggers talks of childhood abuse and neglect!

Alex, evolution of self, has very kindly offered to guest post on my blog! He has written a personal narrative about his childhood experiences growing up with abusive parents! Here is his story!

Alex you’ve been very courageous in telling it!

I am so glad you survived and are a fighter!

**********

I would like to start by introducing myself

Hi I am Alex

Many have grown up with mesmerizing moments from their childhood had two loving parents”

I was not one of those: starting from the aged of 9 until I was 16, I was subjected to horrific physical brutality from my biological mother whom we will refer to “it”

its level of hatred was cast onto me because of how much I reminded it of my Father. When my Father was home I never had a need to fear or think I was walking on shattered glass.

I also understood what he was doing was rid of the world of Nemesis so when he would leave on an assignment I been asked why I didn’t tell my Father? and I was told by “it” if I did she would inform his C.O that he was doing things to me” and in the Armed Forces that is a Death sentence. I would be left in clutches of Mommy dearest and its twisted sadistic desires and pleasures. Many times it would be an unbearable and fucking nightmare a lot where I endured was in what I called the “Basement of Secrets” I would be forcefully confined to a chair and whipped for hours with black licorice. There were times I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school because I would be healing from the beatings and welts. At a very young age, I learned and embrace the darkness as my numbing solace and was welcomed with open arms.

I had a mate of mine who’s alcoholic Father was abusing him physically I gave him pat on the back and he yelled ouch. had a massive bruise on his lower back…so I thought if they believe him why not me?

So I reached out with desperation to be resurrected from that living hell and was laughed and mocked at because what I was telling them was so surreal.

Many mornings I would wake up having knives throwing at my feet or cans frozen juice whipped at me to see my reflexes.

That night I strongly believe and cringed in paralyzing fear that I would not see the Sunrise again. After being crushed and losing all hope that others would help me. I knew if I was going to survive this fucking living Hell it would be because of (ME)

Ironic thing and fucked up one is the person who was sexually abusing me saw me more as a human being …I guess I choose the lesser of two evils.

So THEM that tried to break me, ripped me into never was ‘thought they could extinguish my Life

Though fucking wrong yes you laid waste and wreak havoc all over my body and mind with scars even though I still breathe I have been shattered into pieces.

I was always taught by my Father that no matter what keep going but last December before Christmas I was not myself I would put on a smile and act like I was fine but far far from it.

Never in million yrs did I think what was going on with me would this. I also didn’t know there was a more voracious and vicious bastard to PTSD but I do know now” I live with it every day as a constant reminder by Roller Coaster I ride.

Thank you for listening to My Story if you know anyone that is struggling never let them think they are lashing out in silent terror.

So nervous!

I am so nervous
I feel it all over my body
Nervous because
Of this time of year
I hate it
October is one of our worst months
Halloween
Comes and
We get so scared
Monsters are real
at least they were in our childhood
So much
bad stuff
happened on the lead up
to halloween night
all I want
is for the memories
to go away
take flight
and leave me be
its hard to live in fear
of being so overwhelmed
that you sink
emotionally

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/10/11/nervous/

Book review: Innocent by cathy Glass

I just finished the latest Cathy Glass book a few days ago. It was a great read like all of her books are. I do have to say though that I knew what the problem with the mother was right from the get go. It wasnt hard to spot what was going on. Maybe it would be to someone who didnt know a lot about mental illness or psychology, but I knew right away what the issue was with her.
The book centres around two siblings, molly age 3, and kit aged 18 months. they were taken into care due to Kits non accidental injuries. He had a broken arm and bruising to his face.
While in care, the kids are sick a lot. They keep having symptoms like vomiting, rashes, breathing difficulties etc. Normally it happens after contact with their parents. It turns out the mother is making them ill. She has munchausens bi proxy.
It is only after Cathys own daughter Lucy becomes ill that Cathy figures out that the food from contact is contaminated, but she doesnt guess its the mother doing it, she thinks the food is being stored incorrectly at home.
When she finds out the real cause of the childrens mysterious illnesses, she is shocked. I wont spoil the ending, but I will say, I did not like how the book ended. Its true to life though, and I guess the ending was how things happened, and cathy is reporting it exactly how things unfolded.
Overall I enjoyed the book. And I think anyone who reads it will too. I read it in a matter of days. Its a real page turner.
It also highlights the mental illness munchausin bi proxy. That illness isnt very well known. I thought it was good that it gets some attention as this sort of thing does happen far too often and its hard to pinpoint or diagnose.
I rate the book five stars! Its available on amazon, and in paperback from all good book stores, and on kindle and on audible as an audio book also.

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to my abuser, You were so wicked

wicked…
thats you in a nutshell
there was nothing nice about you
what you did
was steal innocence
steal childrens childhoods
without even a second thought
Wicked…
Pure evil
Thats you
Untruthful
Horrid, vile
with no love to give
even though
your job was to care
your job was to take care of kids
but did you?
oh no
all you did was use
abuse
and throw kids away
as if we were
rubbish, trash
Yesterdays news
One day, soon
You’ll pay
and I will be there
Looking on
with glee
Wicked to the core
thats you

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/09/03/wicked/

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word of the day challenge: cruel

you stole my innocence
You stole my childhood
you were so vile, so cruel
you didn’t care how it made me feel
you didn’t care what you did to me
you just did what you wanted
you were a psychopath
someone who doesn’t feel any remorse
and I
I was just a little girl
I didn’t have a choice
I had to do your bidding
I didn’t get a say
How cruel is that

Cruel – Word of the Day Challenge

What causes avoidant personality disorder?

 

 

A great post about what causes avoidant personality disorder, read on for more info about it!

via What causes avoidant personality disorder?