Its going to be a hot day

man its hot outside today!
i woke up early. very very early. like 5 AM early.
i only went to bed at 1, was reading for a while, and didnt actually settle down to sleep until around 2;:30.
my new book is so good. its called did you hear me crying and is by cassie moore. its actually about a girl who lived in ireland growing up. i didnt know that when i bought it. its really good. she was abused all through her childhood by her step dad. so far i like what i’ve read of it.
i cant wait until later today to go outside and sit in the sun and read my book. if its hot now, and it is, i can imagine how hot it will be by noon. I’ll really be roasting!
What are your plans for saturday? Anything special? 😀
carol anne



I am waiting with anticipation for this day to be over. I’m really really upset and anxious right now. And very very triggered by this day.

I just want it to end. Please let it end soon. Just over 2 hours to go until its midnight here. God the time is going so slowly.

As darkness falls I get more and more upset. My nightmare begins. I start to remember.  I start to remember every bad thing that happened to me in childhood. The rituals. The cult. The meetings they’d take me to.  The abuse.

God, oh god, it feels unbearable, remembering.

So I go and make myself a cup of tea. maybe the tea will soothe me. I can hope. I pat nitro. His fur soft underneath my shaking hand. Oh how I love him.  He always knows what to do to give me a little encouragement.

I sit and I wait and I drink my tea. And I hope, and look to tomorrow with anticipation that it will be a better day.



Anticipation-word of the day June 19th

#whatif prompt 6-21-2018

Todays #whatif prompt over at what if we all care is…deep into the woods.

Since today is the summer solstace and a very hard day for us due to us being ritual abuse survivors, I thought we could write a poem encorporating the prompt.

deep into the woods we go
what will happen we just dont know
anything is likely
horror, terror
things you’d never endure
they’d shock you
bring you to your knees
abuse, torture, awful awful memories
child porn, rape and sexual abuse
all part of rituals
that we had to take part in
even though we were just kids
no choice
never given a choice
it was just do it now
or you’ll end up dead
scared shitless
we’d participate
and on this date
every year
we are always so terrified
and very scared


Book review-battered, broken, healed by Maggie Hartley

Just finished another amazing fostering memoir by Maggie Hartley. I have to say I couldnt put it down. The book was so addictive, a page turner from beginning to end.
The book summary is below…

When six-week-old Jasmine is placed with foster carer Maggie Hartley, Maggie is delighted to have a baby in the house again. Jasmine has been taken into care over fears for her safety after the police are called to the family’s home several times following her birth. Her mother, Hailey, vehemently denies that anything is wrong, however, and social services allow her to have daily supervised visits with Jasmine.

Baby Jasmine is a joy to be around, but Maggie suspects that all is not quite as it seems with her mum. Maggie struggles to draw timid and extremely quiet Hailey out of her shell and fears that she may be suffering with postnatal depression.

Then one day Hailey arrives for the contact session with her hair streaked with blood and her body covered in bruises. Breaking down, a terrified Hailey admits that she is being abused by her violent husband and is too afraid to leave him.

Maggie realises that the only way mother and daughter will be reunited is if Hailey admits what’s going on behind closed doors and leaves her husband. But after years of physical and psychological abuse, that’s easier said than done….

Like i said this book is an incredible read. You wont be disappointed if you pick it up. Its available in paperback, in audio from audible and on kindle.


One thing I wish I could ask my mother is?

when you found out I was being abused, why didnt you automatically believe me?
why did you hesitate?
I know the nuns interrigated you, I know they tried to make out that I was the problem. I was the bad one.
But you were my mom. I was your little girl.
You should have believed me. You really hurt me by denying my truth. Its something I am not sure I can forgive you for.
I tried to, but I just feel so hurt by the invalidation, and you not believing me. It hurts right down to my core.
I know you believe me now, you’ve told me you do. But it doesnt make up for that 14 year old who just wanted her mom to hug her and tell her it would all be ok, that she’d be ok.

Dr. Barry apt tomorrow

never have I needed dr. barry more than I do now.

thank god my apt is tomorrow morning. i didnt plan it to be that my apt would be this week, but now i am thankful it is. i am thankful it fell during this week because of it being may day today and we’re having a hard time of it with that.

therapy and seeing dr. barry in the same week, thats great. i’m so happy both apts fell on the same week.

i dont know if dr. barry remembered that today is may day. i mean everyone knows about may day, but no one knows the significance of it for me due to being a sra survivor.

im sure if she looks back at my notes she’ll remember. she usually does look at them before i go in to see her. so probably she’ll know, but i plan on telling her anyway.

i’ll be just so happy when today is over. we’re really struggling to get through it. its hell.

carol anne