who I would be
If you hadn’t hurt and abused me?
If you hadn’t tormented me
Taken my childhood away from me?
I wonder, who I would be
If my dreams weren’t shattered
If I mattered?
If the parts of my life weren’t scattered?
who I would be
If I didn thave a did diagnosis
If I didn’t have a mental illness?
What life would be like
what my future would hold
If I had not had to grow up fast
and try to forget my past
this week one of the writing prompts on mamas losin it is as follows
Take a line from a song you love and turn it into the title of your next blog post. Let the content follow.
The song I am choosing is Carrie Underwoods lessons learned.
I have learned many lessons from my abusers. Lessons I should have never had to learn.
I should have been allowed to be a child. Instead my childhood was ruined, tainted, taken.
Lessons I have learned from my abusers:
fear everyone and everything
never trust a man
hide, always hide
never speak your truth
never let your voice be heard
I am vile
My body is just a play thing
I am an object
I don’t matter
I have no value
I am weak
I am powerless and helpless
It is ok for people to do what they want to me
So as you can see, I learned so many awful things from those who abused me. It has taken years but I am slowly relearning them.
YOU LOOK ME OVER
I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING
I KNOW WHAT YOU’LL DO NEXT
YOU INSTRUCT ME
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
SCARED AND FRIGHTENED
ALONE AND WITH NO ONE TO HELP ME
I SHUDDER AGAIN
WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END
I DO WHATYOU SAY
BECAUSE ITS JUST EASIER THAT WAY
WANT TO END IT
WANT TO QUIT
YOU DO THE DEED
THE PAIN, I FEEL
THEN YOU LEAVE
AND I START TO HEAVE
I CANT BEAR
TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST DID
OR THAT I’M JUST A KID
I HATE YOU I FUCKING DESPISE YOU YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME MY INNOCENCE MY CHILDHOOD MY DREAMS MY HOPES BUT THERE IS ONE THING YOU DID NOT TAKE MY SPIRIT YOU COULD NEVER TAKE THAT SO GO TO HELL AND I HOPE YOU FEEL THE PAIN I FELT SOME DAY YOU DESERVE IT
a little about my early life…
i was born 13 weeks premature, my mom was only 17 she she had me.
i was in an incubator for 3 months, and had very limited contact with my parents, i weighed 2 pound 8 ounces at birth.
we lived with my dads parents and siblings for the first 2.5 years of my life. they are all alcoholics, and a lot of abuse took place when we were living there.
there was fighting, violence, emotional abuse. it was not a good atmosphere to live in.
our mom always says she was terrified living there, she had no alcoholism in her family, so wasnt used to that kinda atmosphere.
at age 2 we got our own place, and we moved with our parents to our own house. life got a little easier then. for a while at least.
This is one of my favourite savage garden songs.
It can be triggering for mention of domestic violence, so be aware of that before you listen.
Tears are always running down my face
I hang my head low thinking “what a disgrace?”
The tears are coming from all the damage you caused
What do you want now, a round of applause?
I’ve watched you rape and molest me right before my eyes
Now the only thing left to do is cry
You stole my virginity without my consent
PLEASE tell me why this is the way it went
All I wanted was for you to get off of me
But getting you off of me just wasn’t that easy
You hit me in my face then ripped my shirt
Then you pushed it in to the point where it hurt
I remember it like it was yesterday
Answer this, will I ever forget about this and be okay?
The thoughts are crucial & all I can do is cry
Sometimes I just think then ask myself “why didn’t I die?”
The bastard didn’t care if I lived or if I died
All he cared about was being satisfied
I feel dirty, I feel low, I feel used
I’ll always know that I’m a victim of sexual abuse!