fuck you, You didnt win!

he moulded me
groomed me into
someone he wanted me to be
but who i didnt want to be
he took my virginity
never caring about my innocence
left used
and abused
out in the cold
raped, day after day
neverending torture
captured, seemed like it would be forever
but i never ever
gave up
and in the end
i got away
and am a stronger person because of it today
so you didnt win
you didnt break me
even though you wished you had

i wish

i wish i wish
that things were different
that i didnt know
that i didnt have to go
that the past didnt eat away at my soul
i wish i wish that i was whole
i wish for so much
i long to be normal
whatever normal looks like
for me normal would be
to get through a day
without flashbacks
to go through a night
without nightmares
to sleep without any cares
i wish i wish
i wish to be free
and to just be able to be light and carefree.

Book review- at risk, by Casey Watson

i bought a new book on kindle today a short story by casey watson and have already finished reading it.
adam is 11 years old. when caseys link worker john fulshaw calls her to ask her to take adam, she immediately says yes. john says that there wont be any issues, that this is a straight forward placement.
adams mom had an appendicitice and is in hospital recovering from that. adam is a well balanced well behaved child. there is just him and his mom so there are no other family members he could stay with. and apparently no friends either.
when casey first meets adam she notices how frail he looks. he looks very unhealthy, yet he eats like a horse. she takes him to visit his mom and his mom and him seem very close, they seem to have a bond that is loving but casey cant help having niggling thoughts and stuff.
these are confounded by the fact that his mom doesnt allow him to go to friends houses to eat, or play. she is obsessed by germs. she tells casey that there is something wrong with his stomach but the doctors cant figure out what it is.
over the week casey takes him to visit his mom every evening. every evening after he gets home he becomes violently sick, throwing up. then just as quick as it happens he is fine again. casey is mystified. she keeps thinking that his mom has something to do with his sickness but she just cant put her finger on it. eventually on the thursday he is sick on the way home from the hospital, in the car. when casey goes to clean the back seat of the car she finds pills in his vomit. all of a sudden this takes on a whole new level.
she confronts adam about the pills but he looks at her blankly as if he doesnt know what she is talking about. casey emails her link worker and tells him what she has found. things swing into action. she goes online and researches munchausins syndrome and munchausins syndrome bi proxi.
The next morning adam tells her everything. how his mom gives him pills to make him sick. and then it comes to light that she had been getting extra pain medication in the hospital, stockpiling it and giving it to her son to make him sick. the police are called and a specialist is called in to assess her for munchausins.
meanwhile adams uncle and aunt come over from spain and care for adam while all this is going on. After a few months adam is taken into care, and he remained in care for a few months, nowadays, he doesnt live with his mom, she is too ill to care for him. He lives with his uncle, and aunt and their little girl. He is happy and healthy but things could have turned out very diferently if the munchausins hadnt been caught.
this book was great and i highly recommend it. although its a short story i still think its worth reading especially since it shows the lenghts a parent will go to to hard their child. i recommend it to social workers, foster carers, or just anyone who likes reading true stories.

not coping

i’m having a terrible morning. i’m being flooded with memories. i want to die. i want it to stop. someone make it stop. i cant take another minute of this.
my head is spinning, my body is aching, my mind is racing.
someone help me please?