i dont wanna go

hihihiii
its me emily
i dont wanna go to dublin this weekend
im so scared
but we’re going, cuz carol anne says we has to
she said she promised our friend
and he’s countin on us to go visit him
he’s been lonely and he needs the company
but im so scared of bein back there
back where all of our abuse happened
he lives close to where the school we went to is
thats gone now
its closed down
but im afraid what if we bump into someone we know
carol anne says we’re not going out anywhere
so we wont
but im still afraid
i just feel so trigered
every time i think of it
my heart starts thumping
and i start shakin real bad
we are going
but i thinks im going to have ta talk to eileen today
and work something out
for the kids
so we dont trigger everybody bad
and mabe eileen will allow me to text her
when we’re there
to check in
i hope shell say i can
butterfly hugs
love, em

Book review: Please let me go by caitlinn spencer

Ok so I’ve just recently finished the book called, please let me go which is by caitlinn spencer. Caitlinn is from the UK, and her book is her personal memoir, her personal story of being groomed and then sex trafficked by gangs of Pakistani men. All this because she was white, and this is what these gangs do to white girls. Caitlinns story started when she was just 14 years old, and she was out of school, and answered an AD in the newspaper looking for models. It started from there, and she was psychologically and systematically abused by a man who was selling her for sex. He controlled her in every way, even going so far as to rape her in her home, in her parents bedroom. When she was 15 she got pregnant as a result of the abuse she was enduring, and this man, her groomer, took her for an illegal abortion. After about a year of controlling her and grooming her, he then sold her on to the Pakistani gangs. These gangs sodamised and raped her on a continuous basis. they’d come to her home and pick her up in taxi’s, they’d take her to hotels, they’d abuse her in car parks, in taxi’s etc. She wasn’t able to say no to them, because her psychological scars ran so deep from being controlled by that first man who groomed her. Her parents knew something, and turned a blind eye to it. How parents can do that is beyond me. They should have protected her, but instead they kicked her out at 16 and she had to go live in a hostel where she was vulnerable and more horrific things happened to her. Over the years she tried to go to psychiatrists, and professionals for help, but they had her down as working as a prostitute, and nobody helped her, they just diagnosed her as having bipolar, bpd, and gave her meds and left it at that. The abuse went on for over a decade. She had 11 pregnancies, only 2 of her pregnancies went full term, and the rest of her babies were either aborted or miscarried. She tried to escape to Australia a few times, but during one of her Australian visits she ended up working as a prostitute. So really she was back in an abusive situation again. Years later she tried to go back to Australia and apply for a visa and residency there to keep her girls safe from harm, but she was refused. In the end she got out of the abuse, and her story is a really powerful read. I would highly recommend it. Its shocking, and will shock you to your core. Some of the things that happened to her are horrendous. I can relate though having gone through similar abuse in my childhood and teens. Nothing shocks me, but it may shock you if you choose to read this book. These gangs were operating widely in the UK for years, grooming the most vulnerable kids, and then going on to abuse them horribly. They were found out though, their activities were detected, and subsequently some of these men were arrested and charged. I am glad that Caitlinn told her story. And I am glad I read it. She is very brave, and a warrior and survivor in every sense of the word.

If you want to read this book its available in audio from audible, on amazon in paperback or on kindle.

NOT DOING SO WELL

HI GUYS
ITS LIZ HERE. WE DIDNT MENTION IT HERE BUT…
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, ONE OF OUR MAIN ABUSERS, CONTACTED US VIA PHONE, AND EMAIL. THEY TRIGGERED RUBY AND SASSY, WHO IN TURN WROTE EILEEN, VERY UPSET. THEY WERE VERY DISTRESSED. AND VERY TRIGGERED.
THEY ARE ONLY 13, BOTH OF THEM ARE 13. WE SPENT THURSDAY NIGHT IN AGONY, IN SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND IN A HIGHLY TRIGGERED STATE.
SO ON FRIDAY WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS PLACE. WE WERE GOING THERE ANYWAY, BUT THE FACT THAT THIS HAPPENED, MADE US WANT TO GET OUT OF OUR OWN HOUSE, AND GO TO OUR PARENTS TO BE SAFE. WE JUST WANTED TO FEEL SAFE.
WE HAVENT HAD ANY MORE CONTACT, SINCE WE GOT BACK HOME. THANK FUCK! I WAS SO SCARED TO COME BACK HOME! I AM AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS, AS YOU WOULD BE. I MEAN, THEY DID AWFUL THINGS TO US, AND I AM AFRAID OF THEM.
TOMORROW WELL TODAY NOW AS ITS ALREADY MONDAY MORNING HERE, WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY. I AM PLANNING ON SPEAKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. I AM PLANNING ON ASKING HER FOR SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AS OUR MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD LATELY. THE ANXIETY HAS BEEN SUPER BAD, AND THIS LATEST INCIDENT OF CONTACT FROM AN ABUSER HASNT HELPED IT.
I AM GOING TO ASK HER IF SHE’LL EITHER PUT SUPPORT IN FROM THE WEEKEND TEAM, OR FROM OUR CPN SARAH. THE WEEKEND TEAM ARE A MENTAL HEALTH TEAM WHO CONTACT YOU OVER THE WEEKEND, THEY’LL CALL TO YOUR HOUSE, TO SUPPORT YOU. THEY CAN ALSO GIVE SUPPORT OVER THE PHONE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS GOING TO GET TOUGH. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH IN ILL HEALTH. MOM HAS COPD, AND MY DAD HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS, BRITTLE BONES, ARTERITIS, AND HE CAN BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE AROUND AT TIMES.
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY HOME SOME WEEKENDS, AND NOT GO TO THEIR HOUSE.
I STILL WANT TO DO THAT. BUT I CANT HAVE ALTERS BEING TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CALLING, AND MAYBE EVEN SHOWING UP AT OUR DOOR. THE LITTLES WOULD OPEN IT WITHOUT HESITATION, THANK GOD EILEEN IS WORKING WITH THEM ON NOT DOING THAT.
BUT IF THE WEEKEND TEAM GAVE US SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AT LEAST WE’D HAVE THEM CALLING AND CHECKING IN ON US. WHICH WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.
I’M PRETTY SURE DR. BARRY WILL APPROVE THAT SUPPORT. SHE KNOWS WE WOULDNT ASK UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT, OR WE WERE DESPERATE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TODAY. WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOMS ILLNESS, ABOUT APPLYING FOR MORE PA HOURS, AND ABOUT THIS MOST RECENT CONTACT, ABOUT OUR SLEEP, EMOTIONAL STATE, ETC.
I FIND MYSELF JUMPING AT EVERY SOUND. I AM LISTENING OUT FOR UNKNOWN SOUNDS. WHEN I HEAR ANY UNFAMILIAR SOUND, I AM STARTING TO SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY. I AM SO FEARFUL. ITS NO WAY TO BE OR LIVE.
SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT!
I’LL LET YA’LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON WHEN WE SEE DR. BARRY!
LIZ

Book review: Survivors, by Maggie Oliver

I just finished an amazing book. It was a long book, over 10.5 hours in audio. But it is so worth it, I highly recommend it to everyone!
the book is called survivors, and is written by maggie oliver.
It is the story of the child abuse scandal in rochdale in manchester in the UK, this was a huge case, it was where white girls were being groomed and sexually abused and exploited by pacastani and asian men, the men were grooming the girls first, and then abusing them.
Maggie was a detective working on the case. The story centres mainly around one family who went through the abuse, it centres on a mother and her two girls, and the majority of the book is about them.
but during the story, maggie also talks about her own life, her life story is intertwined within the book also. She openly talks about losing her husband to bowel cancer, about losing her grandaughter, and about her grief.
She also talks about her training to become a police officer, and about the different jobs she worked on while she was a police officer.
And, she doesnt shy away from the bad side of being a police officer either. She talks about how she was bullied when she first started, and then as the rochdale case was going on, she talks about how she found things done during the case to be wrong, she had a lot of misgivings about how it was being handled. But nobody would listen to her. No one in the police was taking her seriously.
At the end of the book she talks about her time on celebrity big brother, and about the tv show that was made depicting the rochdale case.
Its a fascinating story, and once you start it, you’ll be hooked, just like I was.
The book is definitely a page turner!
Its available on audible, on kindle, and in paperback.
I give the book 5 stars!

Evil online?

I watch investigation discovery a lot. I was just watching evil online. God its so creepy. This one was about this guy who stalked a teacher, and he told her a bunch of lies, and they met on a beach in florida, and at first they were dating like for 8 months, and then he wrote a ton of post it notes and put them all over her house to say this is too hard and I cant do this and , dont look for me etc etc. but then after 2 years he contacted her again, and he would not give up, kept watching her, showing up where she was etc. anyway he had told her his mom and dad died when he was 12, and that he was adopted, that they’d died in a car crash. turns out he wasnt using his real name at all, and that he’d actually murdered his parents and his 10 year old brother when he was 14. the girl he was stalking went to the police with this info, but all she was able to get was a restraining order, and the police had no power to arrest him, not unless he hurt her in some way, even though she was scared for her life, they could do nothing. anyway, he kept sending horrific emails, evil ones, that threatened this girl, and in the end the police did trace him, and luckily for her they caught him just in time, as he was in georgia when they caught him, in a motel, but he was on his way to her school where she taught second grade, with a gun. god knows what would have happened if she didnt find out about his past, and if the police didnt trace him. she probably wouldnt have been around to live to tell the tale.

I find shows like this so interesting, but my god, it also scares me half to death!

This fucking anxiety sucks!

Feeling so bad right now guys. Just so sad. Have been crying for the last hour. Flashbacks are so awful. I hate them. They feel so overwhelming. I feel like I am being sucked into a vortex. Its horrible. I wish I didnt have to experience them. I wish It wasnt gone midnight, I’d be able to contact my therapist if it was earlier. I cant now though its too late. Tomorrow maybe. I just have to get through tonight. I hope I can. The anxiety is back, I am super anxious right now. I feel agitated, and on edge. Like I am crawling out of my skin. This sucks.