Woke up feeling awful

I WOKE UP FEELING AWFUL. I THINK ITS THE FACT THAT THE SPRING EQUANOX JUST PASSED. I AM A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUAL ABUSE, WE SURVIVED BEING IN A CULT FOR 11 YEARS. BEING IN THAT CULT WAS HELL. THEY TURN EVERYTHING ON ITS HEAD. GOOD DAYS ARE BAD. SPECIAL DAYS ARE MADE INTO DAYS OF TERROR. ALL HOLIDAYS ARE JUST SO AWFUL.
THIS MORNING I FEEL NUMB. I TRIED TO NAME MY FEELINGS BUT I CANT. I CANT GO THERE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL NUMB AND THERE IS A DULL ACHE IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH.
I WANT TO CRY, SCREAM, BUT I CANT. IM JUST AN UNFEELING MESS. TO FEEL IS TOO TERRIFYING.
I TOOK A SHOWER, MADE SOME TEA, AND ATE SOMETHING. THAT HAS HELPED A LITTLE. I THINK I NEED TO TAKE THINGS EASY THIS MORNING. NOT DO TOO MUCH. JUST GO SLOW. REMIND MYSELF THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE, AS THEY ALWAYS DO.
WE’RE GOING VOLUNTEERING LATER. CAROL ANNE WILL GO. I’M GOING TO STAY INSIDE I THINK. IT IS BEST IF I DO THAT.
FOR NOW THOUGH I’M GOING TO VEG IN FRONT OF THE TV.
LIZ

Allie

Hi guys. How are you all? We had pizza for lunch. That was cool.

We are leaving soon to go to the airport. It’s been nice seeing all our relatives. Looking forward to going home though to.

I’m glad we got to have pizza for lunch. We are thinking of coming back here in the summer. We are planning a trip again in August or September. I can’t wait.

Well I better run. Talk to you all later. Hopefully the flight home will be smooth. I’m nervous about it. I don’t like flying.

Book review: Finding stevie, a dark secret, a child in crisis

This is a book by author Cathy glass. Cathy glass is a Uk foster parent. She writes about her foster kids and her experience of fostering them.

Summary

Finding Stevie is a dark and poignant true story that highlights the dangers lurking on online.

When Stevies social worker tells Cathy, an experienced foster carer, that Stevie, 14, is gender fluid she isnt sure what that term means and looks it up.

Stevie, together with his younger brother and sister, have been brought up by their grandparents, as their mother is in prison. But the grandparents can no longer cope with Stevies behaviour, so they place him in care.

Stevie is exploring his gender identity, and like many young people he spends time online. Cathy warns him about the dangers of talking to strangers online and advises him how to stay safe. When his younger siblings tell their grandmother that they have a secret they cant tell, Cathy is worried. However, nothing could have prepared her for the truth when Stevie finally breaks down and confesses what hes done.

My thoughts?

This book was fantastic! I cant say enough about it! I highly recommend it! Actually I highly recommend any of Cathys books. She’s a fantastic writer!
You wont be able to put this one down! I read it in two days!
Gripping, poignant, there are many twists and turns!
Its a fabulous read! With a happy ending!

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Caring, is it bad?

THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS SO TOUGH. I MANAGED TO COME OUT AND TALK THOUGH. THAT WASNT EASY. I KEPT FINDING THAT I WAS DISSOCIATING, IT WAS SO HARD TO STAY PRESENT. EILEEN HELPED ME A LOT TO STAY WITH HER, STAY IN THE ROOM. I KEPT FLOATING AWAY, OR BEING UNABLE TO TALK. SHE WAS GREAT. SHE HELPED ME FIND WORDS FOR MY DISTRESS. BASICALLY, IT TURNS OUT THAT IM FINDING IT VERY HARD SINCE I STARTED HAVING FEELINGS OF CARING ABOUT THE KIDS INSIDE WITH US. I WAS ALWAYS TOLD BY MY ABUSERS THAT IF I CARED ABOUT THINGS, OR PEOPLE, THAT IT WAS BAD. THAT CARING HURTS. I SHOULDNT CARE. I SHOULD JUST DENY THAT I CARE. WHICH I’VE MOSTLY ALWAYS DONE. ITS EASIER TO SAY I DONT CARE, IT HURTS LESS THEN WHEN THINGS GO WRONG. I FOUND IT SO HARD TO ADMIT THIS TO EILEEN. I EVENTUALLY DID ADMIT IT TO HER THOUGH. AND WE TALKED IT THROUGH. EILEEN WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING. SHE TOTALLY SAID SHE GOT IT. SHE GOT WHY IT WAS EASIER NOT TO CARE. I TOLD HER I FELT GOOD FEELINGS NOW TOWARDS THE KIDS, I FELT PROTECTIVE OF THEM, AND NICE FUZZY WARM FEELINGS WHEN I THINK OF THEM. I TOLD HER THAT ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. SHE GENTLY TOLD ME THAT THE KIDS WERE ME, AT A YOUNGER AGE, NOT SEPARATE PEOPLE, THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE PARTS, THEY ARE PARTS OF ME, WE’RE SHARING A BODY, ALL OF WHICH I KNEW ALREADY, BUT I GUESS IT DIDNT HURT TO HEAR IT AGAIN. SOMETIMES I FORGET WE’RE SHARING ONE BODY. IT IS GOOD TO BE REMINDED OF IT I GUESS. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL. OR WHETHER I SHOULD NOW CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO US, OR CARE ABOUT OTHERS. I TOLD EILEEN I CARE ABOUT HER, AND THATS SO HARD. I CARE AND WORRY ABOUT HER. I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT ANYONE EVER. NOT ON THE OUTSIDE. IS THIS PROGRESS? I AM NOT SURE. MAYBE IT IS. I JUST FEEL VERY EMOTIONAL THIS PAST WEEK. ALL THIS HAS REALLY BEEN STIRRED UP. NOT JUST FOR ME, BUT I AM HAVING TO DEAL WITH IT SINCE I’VE BEEN OUT MORE THIS PAST WEEK. ACTUALLY IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS. THE LAST TWO THERAPY SESSIONS, I’VE COME OUT AND SPOKEN FOR A GROUP OF US DARKS. EILEEN SAID SHE REALLY APPRECIATES WORKING WITH US. SHE SAID ITS IMPORTANT TO HER, THAT WE’RE IMPORTANT TO HER, EVEN THAT, THAT WAS HARD TO HEAR. I DONT FEEL LIKE ANYONE CARES ABOUT ME, SO THEN IN TURN I FIND IT HARD TO CARE ABOUT ANYONE. BUT I DO CARE ABOUT EILEEN, AND I DO BELIEVE SHE CARES ABOTU US ALL. I JUST DONT THINK SHE SHOULD CARE ABOUT ME. I DONT FEEL I DESERVE HER CARE. I GUESS I’LL KEEP WORKING ON IT. ITS ALL I CAN DO.
PIXIE AGE 21

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I spoke to my partner

After a month or so without talking to her, we finally got to talk on skype. Well I called her. She’s ok, but she was having a lot of trouble with her words, I think it was due to her meds, she couldn’t quite say what she wanted to say to me, she was having a lot of trouble stringing sentences together.
For those who aren’t aware, my partner jess, lives in a psychiatric residential unit, she’s been there since 2015. I am so sad that she has to be there. She was meant to be going on a home visit this weekend but her mom got sick so she couldn’t go. She was quite upset about it when we talked.
She was delighted I called her though. It was so good to talk to her. I miss her so much. I think of her every day. I would anyway, but well she thought I didn’t. I told her I do. I wake up, and i think of her. I wonder how she is, what she’s doing etc.
I told her to go switch on her phone and we can text. Her phone wasn’t working for a while. It is now again though. So if she switches it on we can text and facetime using our phones. That will be good.
I’m happy now. I can go to bed happy tonight.

Poetry

She came from nothing
Humble beginnings
Just a girl, lost
Afraid, alone
Her face was a picture
So kind, so gentle
Her voice soft, melodic
This humble girl
Who had the voice of an angel
Her life was so hard
It wasnt easy at all
But she soldiered on
She was a trooper
She was fiercely independent
Relied on no one
Got through life
On a wing and a prayer
And even though at times
Fear would grip her
She never gave in to its power
And now, today
she walks, with her head held high
A true survivor
Who came from humble beginnings
A warrior
Because surviving is what she does best

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/15/humble/

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THERAPY TALKING ABOUT HARD STUFF

SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.
LIZ

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