my psychiatrist is back from vacation!

dr barry came back from vacation. we saw her today. i was so happy to be seeing her.
we talked about my awful experience with the doctor last week. she said she had an idea that i hadnt had the greatest experience. Karen her team leader had told her because when karen rang me last thursday I’d complained to her and vented my frustrations. so she gave dr barry some warning that I might bring that up today. and I did.
dr barry said she was sorry that i’d had such a terrible experience. she said she didnt know there had been a crisis, that zuliana had been inundated with requests from patients to see her and so she hadnt been able to see me, not because she didnt want to, but because she was with someone else when I got there and dr Walsh just took my file and decided he’d see me instead. not what he told me but what can you do. i just had to go on what he said.
anyway dr barry said she was surprised he’d been so curious about my blindness. she said maybe he was trying to build a rapore with me by asking me about it. that he had nothing else to go on so decided that i wouldnt mind talking about it. and i didnt, but the amount of questions he asked about it was excessive to say the least.
then she blew me away. she said his speciality was in trauma. that in his private practice he treats trauma patients. and he probably even has some people who have did but he probably doesnt have people like me, who are polyfragmented. but he treats trauma! he should have known more about did than he did! i cant be the only did person in ireland, although thats entirely possible I suppose.
she kinda defended him but she said she felt she had to. he was just covering for her and He’d come into a busy sector, and its public system patients, so the doctors who work in the public mental health system are even busier than those who are in private practice.
but the main thing is i got to say how i felt. put my point across. and she listened, and heard me and validated me and thats enough. she said its too bad we didnt click as he may be covering again for her in the future, although she laughed and said with how busy the week was for him he might think twice about it, being that a lot came up that wasnt expected to come up.
we talked some about halloween and my week. i told her we’d put a safety contract in place. she thought that was good. i told her i’d passed my exam and she congratulated me on that. then she said she’d been thinking about my case and she needed to say something to me. i kinda froze wondering what it could be. but all she said was that she still had the police report on her computer, the one we were meant to submit over a year ago. she said we really have to take a look at it, or she might be brought up by the police for hindering an investigation or refusing to comply with their request. so i told her to bring it next week and we could look at it. she said she’d try to remember it but if we didnt do it next week we’d look at it before xmas and get it submitted before then.
Overall though the appointment was good and I got a lot out of it.

Feeling the love and support from my therapist

So I mentioned in a previous blog that I got my exam results yesterday. I could not wait to share my good news with my therapist. When we went for lunch, I quickly ate and then went outside with Nitro to let him pee. While I was outside I sent my therapist Eileen a text. I checked to see if it had delivered, but it hadnt. I thought maybe she’s not on wifi or something so she cant recieve imessages and when she is back home she’ll get it. All day I waited for a response. Waited and waited. Part of me felt angry, why isnt she responding? This is important. I need her to respond. The more I waited the angrier I got. I felt annoyed that it was taking her so long to reply. Eventually when it was 7 PM I caved and called her. I knew she’d be in a lecture then, she teaches on Monday and tuesday evenings. So I called and decided I’d leave a voice mail. I left a message telling her I’d texted her and wondering if she’d gotten it, of course I also told her about my exam results. I felt disheartened and sad that I hadnt been able to talk to her in person or exchange some texts about it. Then, at 10:30 pm she finally responded. I grabbed my phone and almost dropped it I was in such a hurry to read what she’d written. She said how she was delighted for me that I’d done so well, that I must be thrilled, and she congratulated me. I felt so loved. Her words deeply touched me. All my previous annoyance and anger disapated. My heart melted and I soaked up the love. This is what it feels like to be truly cared about. Its nice. More than nice. Its amazing.

Couple pictures taken on halloween night

Here are a few pics we took on halloween. There is one of my niece and nephew all dressed up. One of Nitro and me. And one of us letting a lattern into the sky. Enjoy them.

Like a broken record?

You are bad.
You are worthless
You are weak
You are no good
You are incapable
You are pathetic
You are a burden to those in your life
You are a failure
You are dumb
You are nothing
you need to die

Says that little voice, negative voice inside me. When will it end? I hate being triggered and I hate the night time too. I feel so alone and I wish I had some company.