Had a tough conversation with dr. Barry

just saw dr. barry. we had some really tough conversations. mostly they were around attachment, we talked about our level of attachment to dr. barry. i asked her if she thought it was healthy. she said she thought parts of it werent. she said she realised how long it took us to build up trust in her, and to form an attachment with her. she said they’d discussed it at the recent case conference they had about us and some of the other psychiatrists said they thought it was a miracle that we’d been able to attach to anyone given all we’ve been through. dr. barry talked about decreasing our appointments from weekly to maybe every 10 days or two weeks. that sent us into a tail spin. we immediately felt like she was saying i’ve had enough, i want to get rid of you, i dont want to continue in this relationship. logically i know she wasnt ssaying that, but emotionally i am struggling with it. i need her. i need her more than she realises. i dont want to decrease the weekly appointments. it will be too hard to cope. dr. barry said that she realises that i find it hard to cope especially when she goes on holidays. she said that that has been the way for the last 2 and a half years, that every time she goes away the system goes into crisis and it takes weeks for us to stabilise again, and that we need to find a way of moving forward in our relationship. and she wondered how can we progress. she thought that i’d be mad and saying she didnt understand me or that we werent on the same page, but i wasnt. i didnt cry but the emotion was welling up in me. she said we need to talk more about this, and that its good that we are in hospital when these conversations are happening.
we talked about medication. she is starting me on prozac. i asked her about lamictal but she said she wouldnt use that for ptsd symptoms. the reason she wants to put me on prozac is because it has a longer half life, meaning if a dose is missed it stays in your system for longer. so i am starting that tonight. she is also going to prescribe me a prn of ativan i think. just to get me through the weekend. i’m happy about the new med regime. i’m willing to try it and see what happens. she said there is a possibility of having the prozac in a weekly depo form, a tablet, once a week. If thats the case it will be great. It will mean we wont have to worry about it every day.
the other thing we talked about was us being on our own and not being able to take care of ourselves. i told her that because of the dissociation and the levels of dissociation we keep forgetting to take meds, and when our mental health is really bad we dont take care of ourselves. we simply cant. she said maybe we need to consider living in a high support unit, but that the waiting list for such a place is long and we could be waiting months for that. she said we need to talk some more about it over the coming days. I know I said before I never wanted to give up my independence and go live somewhere but I think the time has come where I really have no other alternative. Things arent working out at home.
It was a good appointment. She has taken our memory stick and she is going to put the report on it, you know the report i said I’d post here? The one she did up for the police? I’ll have it later on today and I’ll be posting it with a password on it. She said she’d have my memory stick back to me by five.

I’m in the hospital now

I just got to the hospital about an hour ago. I’m trying to settle in.
I got a big surprise when dr. Barry rang me herself to tell me a bed had become available and that I should go in. Normally the nursing staff do that. Cant believe dr. barry actually took the time to do it herself. Shows how much she cares.
When I came in I met a student nurse called Mags. I knew her from a couple of years ago when I was on the locked ward. She did my admission paperwork and went through my property with me. She took the time to walk me around the ward, show me where the bathroom was etc. I’m in a ward next to the nurses station. I think its the observation ward. It has changed since I’ve last been in it. I’m on the acute side of the ward, so the people on this side are sicker than the people on sub acute where I usually go.
The doctor on call just saw me a couple of minutes ago. Usually when you come in the doctor on call assesses you, and asks you about how things are going in your life. Its kinda just for formality. He also does a physical examination. He hasnt done mine yet but I’m sure he will soon.
Dr. Barry told me on the phone that she’d see me tomorrow morning. I’m glad about that. I didnt really feel comfortable telling the doctor on call anything, he didnt know me and I didnt know him. I just prefer to talk to dr. Barry about how things are for me.
Right now I am feeling pretty ok. I have no thoughts of harming myself. My mood is low though. We keep having flashbacks too which are awful. One of my favourite nurses is on duty tonight though so thats good. If I have any problems during the night I know I can go to her to talk.

Healing words of the day

One tree can start a forest. One smile can begin a friendship. One hand can lift a soul. One word can frame the goal. One candle can wipe out darkness. One laugh can conquer gloom. One touch can show you care. One life can make the difference, be that one today.
Author Unknown

A group I created to write more private updates, if you want to follow me please join

so i made a group where i can post privately to just the members i invite. the posts only go to the members in the group. it is done through email. i wont be posting a ton but i just thought i’d start this group so that if i need to write posts and i dont want the whole world to see them i can post them to my private group. people will still be able to reply to my posts just by hitting reply to the emails. they will go directly to me.
so if you want to join the group you can visit

and request to join. I already sent out emails to those of you i had email addresses for. so you should get an invite to my new group shortly.

I hope any of you who regularly follow me will join. I am not closing the blog, or stopping blogging. This is just another outlet that will be more private and where I will write about things that maybe I cant blog about.

Dr barry and me talk about med options

So yesterday during our dr. barry apt we spoke about meds. I told her I didnt find the lyrica helpful. That it was like taking candy. It isnt helping my anxiety any and thats what it was prescribed for. I asked her if I could switch meds. She said that the only options I have would be an SSRI or a low dose of another antipsychotic. I already take xeplion also known as invega in injectible form. She said maybe she would try sertraline again. I already tried that a few years back. I’m not sure its a good idea to go back on it. But I cant remember if it helped or not. I think it did for a short time. I asked about going on buspar for anxiety. But she said she thought it was taken off the irish market because people werent finding it helpful. She said she wouldnt prescribe any benzo drug for anxiety longterm. Not xanax or ativan. She said they dont help with ptsd symptoms. The evidence is there that SSRI drugs help, and lyrica, or else a low dose of an antipsychotic. We talked about the different antipsychotic drugs. I have been on a lot and had bad reactions to a lot of them. I am also allergic to some of them so I have to be careful. She said she’d go through my notes and see what we’ve tried and take it from there. We talked about abilify but that made me restless. We talked about serequel but I dont think I can take that because I think I am allergic to that one. Xyprexa made me gain a ton of weight and I also had bad side effects from it. She said she may try haldol. I took that when I was on the locked ward a couple of years ago and it didnt give me any bad side effects. So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. When I go in we will probably try a few different meds. I take depokate for epilepsy but she said its also a mood stabiliser. But I havent been taking it consistently lately. I’ve been stockpiling it because I wanted to overdose on it. I told her about that too yesterday. She said it could be partly why my mood has plummeted. I had to tell her, it didnt seem right to lie about it. And I knew she’d understand. Its so hard to get the right combo of meds. We’ve always struggled with that.

Going into the hospital tomorrow

I just saw Dr. Barry. We talked about how we’ve been doing. She’s going to admit us to hospital for safety reasons. There is no bed right now but there will be one tomorrow so we’ll go in then.
Feeling apprehensive about going in. I know its probably necessary. We have been very suicidal and emotional and just very unstable. This is the best thing for us right now I guess.
She told me to take an extra lyrica tonight to help the anxiety. We talked a little about other med options but we arent sure yet where we’ll go with that.
Once we are in there she will switch our meds, she said we could go on another antipsychotic, or an SSRI, those are the only things that will combat the ptsd symptoms. She doesnt prescribe benzos longterm so ativan and xanax arent runners.
You’ll probably see me writing a lot while I am inpatient. It keeps me sane. I’ll probably write about all the fiascos on the ward. So tomorrow, wish me luck…