Day 10: write about something you feel strongly about
I should be more widely accepted. ptsd is accepted and people are very compassionate to those that suffer with ptsd. did is a form of ptsd so people should be compassionate to those of us who suffer with that condition also. it isnt our fault we were abused, and because of the abuse developed did. did is an adaptive way of coping with awful situations. the mind is wonderful and allows us to continue when we really think it is impossible. have compassion for people with did, compassion and acceptance.
Day 9: Post some words of wisdom that speak to you
Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. Harry potter
Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Reality is nice, but I wouldnt want to live there.
Friends are like stars, you dont always see them but you know they are always there.
Yesterday during therapy we discussed something that happened during last weeks session. Last week, Eileen and me were talking about me being a partner in our work, about us working collaboratively with each other. Eileen had said that she saw me as an equal in the therapy process. Then she said “I dont see you as someone who needs to be cared for” “It is not my job to care for you”. At the time I didnt say anything about what she’d said, but later that night when I went home and was writing about my therapy session, things started to hit me, thoughts, feelings, everything came crashing down around me. Parts of me were feeling sad, angry, overwhelmed, let down, disappointed, vulnerable, I started to wonder, does she care at all? Am I imagining she does when actually she doesnt? The thing is it was so confusing, because, a week earlier, we’d had an exchange during our session that I felt was so raw, so real, so honest…she’d said to me that she hated how I was alone and on my own during this difficult time of year, how she hated that I felt so unsafe. I knew when she said that that her words came from the heart. That she meant them and was being sincere adn not just saying things just to please me or something. So that is where the confusion lay. She cared, but she’d said I didnt need to be cared for? She wasnt going to take care of me? It wasnt her job? So yesterday we discussed this and after we did it made a lot more sense. She apologised for saying what she did, in the way that she did. She said it definitely wasnt her intention to hurt me or cause me pain and grief and harm. I said how I felt about it, that I was confused, let down, disappointed, and I felt disconnected from her because of what she’d said. She said being cared for is not the same as being cared about. That she cares about me but that she isnt going to care for me because she knows I have the resources and am very capable of caring for myself. That to care for me would be like her taking me by the hand and saying now you need to do this, or that, for example you need to put on your coat, eat every day, come here and be here for a certain time…etc. That the fact that I show up each week at our arranged time, for example, means that I know enough to know my schedule, I am taking care of my own arrangements, I am not so sick and stuff that I cant care for my self. I hadnt thought of it like that. Then she said me using the word treatment for our therapy process is not really ok, because doctors treat patients, therapists dont. She does not consider herself to be treating me. A client is not a patient. Psychotherapy is not the same as for example a doctor who treats a patient with tablets, in order to fix a problem. She said I do not need fixing in her opinion. Therapy is about her guiding me to come to my own resolutions. When she put it like that it made much more sense and I felt much better about it. I knew deep down that she always cared for me and about me. It was just the two exchanges were getting so mixed up and muddied in my mind. Then I was focusing on the negative connotation that I thought she’d said when she really hadnt meant to be negative at all or to upset or hurt me in any way. It was so good to be able to talk it all out yesterday. So freeing. And Eileen was so happy that we did. She said she was so glad I’d decided to mention it to her. I told her I wasnt going to say anything about it. And she was like “I’m so glad you did”.
Happiness and confidence are the prettiest things you can wear.
i have therapy tomorrow. i’m nervous. i shouldnt be, but i am. i cant help it. there is some tough stuff that i need to discuss. mainly it is about the rape we went through last easter. the rape that ended us up in the hospital, in the psych ward for our birthday and easter and the trauma we went through after it, examinations, reporting to the police, etc. talking with dr barry today about the report she did up for the investigation has led to me being seriously triggered tonight. earlier i could not find words to say how i felt. i emailed eileen and just said i am having real trouble finding my voice. i know she will understand what i mean. but then later i did manage to write again to her and talk a little bit about what caused me to shut down and about how i felt. i know we need to go deeper with it though in therapy. discuss it more than we have which isnt very much at all. i dont know why i’m so scared. i trust eileen. i feel safe with her. i know she’ll understand. and empathise and be compassionate. so why am i so hesitant, scared, afraid to let it out? its baffling to me. but i really do need to try. and i will i guess. the thing is my memory surrounding that time is foggy sometimes, but then during flashbacks it isnt. more weirdness. i wish things werent so complicated and were more clear and i wish too that i was just able to feel my damn feelings and not this roller coaster of emotions and then nothing for a long time and then back to full on freak out mode again. its really throwing me for a loop. i hope tomorrow goes well. if i am brave enough i’ll bring it up that is if there is time. other insiders want time so i am not sure what will come out of that or if i will have much time during the session. i suppose i could always flag it at the beginning, say i need some of the session time. and i may just do that too.
well, it is me, nitro. my mommy isnt very pleased with me. know why? because i was naughty! heres what i did today.
first during college, i decided that while my mommy was working, i’d get up and take off. i thought that’d be a fun game to play. all of a sudden mommy reached down and tried to feel for me under the table, but i wasnt there. i was at the other end of the room with my lead in my mouth trying to get the lecturer to take me for a walk! what fun that would have been! but mom spoiled it on me by grabbing me and hauling me back and making me go back under the table.
then while we were waiting to see the psychiatrist dr Barry, i decided to get all restless so mommy had to take me out to pee. after i went pee she told me to find the door, but would i? oh no. i decided there was more grass that i wanted to sniff first. so i ran over to it and she lost her way and we couldnt get back inside! needless to say she wasnt pleased with me! she ended up ringing the receptionist and dr barry looked out and saw us and came to get us. when dr barry called me i ran right over to her! all pleased with myself. but that was short lived. mommy told me to hurry up and go inside and stop acting like a little puppy! but i am still a puppy even though i’m 5!
so what do you all think of my adventures? woof woof!