Safety is an issue

yesterday in therapy the focus was on abuse. cult abuse. and cult abusers. i hate talking about that stuff. its so difficult to talk about. our safety is an issue once again. we live alone and people have been bothering us. and safety has become a huge issue. when insiders are triggered they do things they shouldnt. like opening the door to bad people. or answering the phone or emails. and its so hard because there is no way of knowing when things are gonna happen. when will we be at risk? we never know. and eileen wanted to discuss safety. so we did. but it triggered a whole lot of other stuff. and i got mad about it all. and then eileen thought i was mad at her. but i wasnt i was just mad at the situation. the whole 90 minutes was spent discussing safety and options for this coming weekend. she said we’d deal with it bit by bit, day by day. thats all we can do, she kept saying. but she thinks we need to have another conversation about our living arrangements. i’m not sure. i dont want us to have to give up our independence. that is what they want. but i know we need to be safe too so its all very confusing. at the end of our session i asked her for a hug. and she gave us a bear hug which felt so good. it was so sootheing. and felt so safe. i just love it when we get to hug her. on the way home i texted her. and i told her thanks for caring, it meant a lot. and she texted me back and said of coursee i care. one really nice thing she said at the end of our session? when i hugged her i said how much i hate this time of year. to which she said…i hate that your not safe. and that your on your own. that really cemented for me how much she cares and how sweet she is to think of us and our situation like that.

30 days of writing day 4

Day 4: Write about someone who inspires you

My grandad really inspires me. He isnt here any more because he died earlier this year. The reason he inspires me so much is that no matter how sick he was, he always stayed positive. I think when your ill it isnt always easy to be or stay positive but he did, and he was really sick for the last few months of his life, actually for the last 5 or 6 years his illnesses got worse and worse and really took hold. He never complained though. He always smiled and just got on with life. He was a true inspiration to me, and I hope if I ever become ill I can follow his example.

Second gym session was awesome

So this morning I went back to the gym. And I had a pretty awesome session. I had a different instructor than on Tuesday, but she was so helpful, she really spurred me on and gave me a lot of encouragement. I upped my time on both the treadmill and the bike. I did 12 minutes on the bike, and 25 minutes on the treadmill. And I can honestly say I felt great when I got done! I was sweating a lot but the energy I had was amazing, despite the fact that I hadn’t slept last night at all. Nitro did have a little bit of an issue today though. He spent the majority of the time when he was with the receptionist whimpering and wanting me to return. So much so that when I did he got really excited. I need to ask the receptionist who looked after him on Tuesday if he was like that when she had him. He isn’t usually a whiner but sometimes he does whimper if he feels insecure. I’m inspired though to do this and go 3 times a week. Even though I am on midterm next week I am still gonna keep it up. Heres to more fabulous work outs.