Yesterday I saw dr. barry. We spent a long time talking about her upcoming holidays. She is taking a week off next week. I was supposed to see one of the junior doctors whose name is Xuliana but now its looking like that wont be happening. Dr. Barry said its out of her control and she is sorry but that Xuliana might not be able to be there next wednesday, there is a possibility she will be, so what I have to do is ring at lunch time next Wednesday to see if she is there and if she is she will see me. The other option was to see dr. David who is the other junior doctor on the team but I wasnt comfortable doing that since he is male and I dont know him, I have never met him. Anyway. Back to our chat. I told her that alicia and some of the younger insiders were really sad that she was going away for a week. I told her they were worrying too that something could happen to her, alicia had asked me to ask her if she was going out of the country, so I did, she said no so that is one less thing for her to worry about. Then she asked me, Carol anne, how do you feel about it? That kind of stunned me for a few seconds. I was not really wanting to acknowledge just how much I was effected by her leaving. I said rationally I know you need a break. I know you work hard. I know you rarely take time off. To which she said yes, but? And I said but I dont want you to go! I want to grab hold of you and say dr. Barry please stay here! Please dont leave me! I need you! You have to stay here. The overwhelming emotions got to me and I wanted to cry. I didnt, but I really really wanted too. I said to her that even though I dont talk to her during the week, even though I dont email her or text her, that just knowing she is there if I am in crisis, that I could ring and get seen if I needed to be seen, if anything was to happen, if I became unstable, just knowing that is a huge help to me. Knowing that she gets it and gets me. Knowing she understands my diagnosis so completely, that I never have to explain myself to her, that no matter what I am dealing with she listens, gets it, tries her hardest to understand, knowing that she wont be here for this one week and thinking about what could go wrong and if it did what would I do? It fills me with dread. I told her all this and she understood. She really empathised with how I was feeling. And that is why she is such an amazing psychiatrist, she listens, validates, empathises, she just gets it. I am going to try my hardest to get through the next week without incident. There is a ritual date at the start of the week, so I will be dealing with the after effects of that. I am hopeful that Xuliana is going to be able to be at the clinic on Wednesday, even if I cant tell her everything that is going on, at least she knows me and I know her and can tell her some of what is going on.
Sometimes it takes looking at the past to really be able to move forward and learn from it.
im feeling so scared. dr. barry is going on vacation next week. i wish she wasnt. its always so hard when her or eileen goes on vacation. it makes me and all the other kids inside worry. and feel scared. and sad. i worry about what if she doesnt come back? what if she has an accident? what if she is leaving the country going on a plane and it crashes? maybe she isnt leaving the country though. i’ll have to ask her today. she is understanding and she knows we just worry. we’re just so attached to her that its hard not to worry. i just keep thinking all sorta weird thoughts. its like my mind just wont slow down. i think i’ll worry about her for the entire week until she gets back and i see her again.
I got the results of one of my modules, teamwork. I only got a merit and not a distinction. I was pretty disappointed with that since I have got distinctions in all my other modules. Oh well, I suppose you can’t get distinctions in everything. I just have very high standards for myself. Maybe this is just what I need in order to start lowering my standards. The teacher we had for that module T Burke is a very hard marker and so it’s no wonder I got a merit. I am happy though because most of the class only got a bear pass.
When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.
I decided to give something back to the blogosphere. So come on everyone, who inspires you? Who do you read? In the comments section below give a link or two to a couple of bloggers you love! Give their link and maybe a little of what their blog is all about!
Lets make some new connections and get some new blog followers as well!
We never went to therapy this week. Thats very unlike us. Normally we’d have to be really really sick in order not to go to therapy. This week however the reporter insiders really didnt want to go. They were really wound up and did not want to talk about our safety. We got a very bad headache close to therapy time on Monday. So I sent eileen a message saying we werent coming. Then later last night I figured I owed her an explanation. So I called her again and left a garbled message. She called me back a few hours later and we talked. I explained why we never came and she understood. She said its completely understandable that the reporter insiders are scared. She said that I should let them know that everything was going to be ok, that she knows they are scared and she hears them and validates their feelings. I felt a wave of relief flood through me when she said that. I think they really felt heard and listened to. I know they were also scared by what dr. Barry said about wanting to submit that police report last time we saw her. That, coupled with the conversation we’d had around our safety last time with eileen in therapy sent them spiraling. Having Eileens reassurances that she hears them and it is going to be ok that we can slow things down and take our time resonated with them and I think they are feeling much calmer now and will be more ready to face it next week again.