wednesday update

i woke up this morning feeling totally off. just felt so bla. did not want to go see dr. barry. well it wasnt that i didnt want to see her, it was that i didnt want to wait for hours in a packed waiting room. so i rang her secretary and told her I wouldnt be coming in. i told her to phone me with a new appointment once she’d spoken to dr. barry. of course that didnt happen. i waited until 2 PM then I rang back to see if dr. barry had given me a new appointment. She hadnt. the secretary said she was too busy and she hadnt had a chance to talk to her yet. so i still dont know if I am meant to go in next wednesday or not. hopefully she’ll ring me tomorrow.
i probably made the wrong decision in not going in to see dr. barry. since i already had no therapy this week it would have been good if I would have seen her. just for support if nothing else. i was going to text eileen and ask for a phone check in tomorrow. i havent done it yet. i’m still debating whether i should do it or not. probably i will tomorrow though. being without both therapy and my psychiatry apt is having a negative effect on me.
i feel unstable. my body feels tense. my chest hurts. my stomach is clenching. my heart is racing. emotionally i feel really sad and fearful. not sure what it is thats making me so fearful. i just know i feel it all over. it feels as if my whole body has anxiety coarsing through it. i have been drinking coffee, i suppose i shouldnt. its probably making things worse.
my mom and sister came over to my house today. they stayed for a couple of hours. my nephew was also here. he was playing in the spare bedroom with all the toys we have a lot of toys. he loves coming to our house because we have so much toys. mom cooked me dinner. my phn public health nurse also called to see me today. she had a colleague with her, another nurse. i felt kinda uncomfortable with another strange nurse being here looking at me while the regular nurse dressed the area where the abscesses are. she said she was happy with how they looked and that she felt they were healing nicely. i’m taking an antibiotic for them so thats probably helping things along. she said she’d come back next week on tuesday.
i’m just so nervous. i think because its night time and night time is my worst time. i have the tv on for background noise. i’m watching a documentary about kids who are going through gender disphoria. its really good. i also watched 24 hours in A and E. i like medical documentaries.

NIGHT EQUALS EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY

I’M SITTING HERE HEART POUNDING STOMACH CHURNING CHEST TIGHT SWEATING AND VERY VERY AFRAID. AND IN A LOT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN.
THE CAUSE? WHO KNOWS, IF ONLY I KNEW.
I JUST FEEL SUPER TRIGGERED RIGHT NOW. I ALSO FEEL SUPER IMPULSIVE. IF I HAD THE MEANS, I’D PROBABLY CUT. OR DRINK.
ITS GONNA BE A LONG NIGH…
LIZ

A busy week ahead

this weeks gonna be crazy busy.
tomorrow i’m interviewing all day. from 9:30 until 6 PM.
Tuesday my pa comes in the morning from 9 until 11, then I go to the basement club for the rest of the day until about 4, and then my home help comes to help me cook dinner. Also my phn public health nurse is calling to look at my abscesses and dress the area where they are.
Wednesday I see dr. barry in the morning. After that mom and my sister will be coming over to my house, and will stay for a couple hours, helping me clean and cook.
Thursday my pa kristen comes in the morning from 9 until 1. While she is there I need to go to my nutritionist, I also need to clean my house, after she leaves at 1 I go to the basement club to do my volunteering, then get home around 4 and my home help will come help me cook dinner.
Friday I go to the basement club for the whole day, I am volunteering in the morning and then in the afternoon I am going to the music therapy group.So yeah one crazy week ahead of me this week.

help my anxiety is building and question for my readers

so tomorrow i go on the interview panel to interview 7 people all prospective staff members for the job of part time development worker at the basement club.
i’m starting to feel really nervous about it. i have 3 questions to ask the interviewees. i am trying to remember them. unfortunately i keep wording them wrongly. does anyone have a way for me to remember them or should i write them into my phone and use an earpiece and read them out and then ask? i dont want to take away from the interviewees experience or seem distracted. anyone got ways they use to remember chunks of info?
i want to do this well and make a good impression because I am acting on behalf of all the members of the basement community!

random sunday musings

have had a quiet day. still at my parents house. decided to spend the night here and go from here in the morning to the basement club for my day on the interview panel. i picked out my outfit that i’m going to wear. a black dress pants and a black and red dress top. i asked mom if she would do my make up. i want to make a good impression so i decided a little make up would be good. did not get up to much today. my phone was acting up so i had to reset it. it was telling me that i had very little space left on the phone. but i knew that could not be the case as i only had a couple of aps and only 1 gig was used up with pictures. the phone is 16 gigs in total. so i ended up resetting it and then i had to ask mom to help me to set it up because when i erased everything the voice went off too. for those who dont know i use speech on the i phone. the speech is built in but you need to turn it on before the phone will actually speak. anyway after much playing around with the phone mom was able to turn it on. i was trying to tell her my apple ID and password so she could get into my itunes account but she kept entering it wrong and i was afraid apple would lock me out of my account. eventually she managed to switch on the speech and i was able to do the rest of what needed to be done myself. that whole ordeal took about an hour. i was so worked up and anxious because i thought i wouldnt be able to get the phone working and i cant be without a working phone. when i eventually did get it going and downloaded some of my aps and stuff i realised i’d lost all of my contacts out of the phone. so then i had the laborious task of trying to input everyones info again. i had backed up the phone to itunes but i was afraid to try to reinstall everything from the back up because i didnt want the phone to get full again. so i’m without certain peoples contact info now and i’ll have to wait for them to contact me before i can enter it into my phone. i dont have my pa kristens info, or my nutritionist karens info, or my home helps info. hoping they text me tomorrow so i will be able to get it again. other than my phone fiasco i’ve been reading for the afternoon. i’m rereading a cathy glass book. the book is called the saddest girl in the world. i read it about a year ago on kindle but now i’m rereading it in audio. for some reason kindle books dont hold the same attention for me as audio versions. i seem to forget the story faster if i read it on kindle. thats probably because when i read on kindle i’m using the voice on my phone to read the text. when i use audible a narrator is reading the book to me. the woman who reads cathys books is really good. i like her a lot. my parents house has been so quiet today because my sister didnt come with the kids like she normally would on a sunday. normally she comes and we all eat a big sunday roast together. i missed the kids today. they bring me so much joy and happiness. i need to get started on my xmas shopping soon. i have to write out a list first though of who i need to buy gifts for. i think its better to have a list to work from. mom said she’ll go shopping with me soon for presents for people. i asked mom and dad what they wanted but both of them said they’d prefer money to gifts. although today mom said she’d like some internet on her phone. so i could give her the money for a few months worth of internet. right now she doesnt have any internet on her plan. so that means she cant play her bingo game she likes or watch youtube videos which she also likes to do. i’ve decided to get mom and my sister an extra gift each as a thank you for all that they do for me in my house and with cooking and stuff each wednesday. i havent decided what i’ll get them yet but it will be vouchers of some sort i’m sure. i heard xmas songs on the radio today, lol middle of november and they are already playing xmas songs, xmas just gets earlier with each year. i plan on watching tv for the rest of the evening. x factor the results show is on. i’ll probably read more of my book too and catch up on my email and some blogs.

lexi

hi everbody
it me lexi
gess wat?
we got to have lotsa treats today
we got birthda cake
chocolat cake and it was yummy
and we got to have mcdonals for diner
i had quartr poundr wif cheese meal
yum yum yum
i happy tonite
carol anne said no more treats now tho
we got to get bak on track
wif losin weight
thats so borin i fink
i rather eat candy and cupcakes and cookies
hahaha
i glad we were loud to have treets tho
it somfin good and wen im sad i can think of it
lexi