today was a great day food wise. I did everything right.
a mug of coffee
A turkey sandwich
Mug of coffee
Potatos, peas, chicken fillet
A fruit salad
bottle of pepsi max, more coffee
Yes I know I need to work at trying to cut out coffee, I drink a lot of the stuff. But for now I’m happy with what I have been doing. Baby steps. In time I will cut down on my coffee intake.
One mile on the treadmill. Speed 4, time, 12 minutes.
I feel bla. Neither here or there. Just like ug this is pointless, life is pointless.
Dont know what brought me to this place tonight. I dont like it though. Its like this kind of flatness. a kind of resigned life is just icky.
Can anyone relate? I hope so as I hate to be alone with my thoughts and these feelings.
we had therapy today after a 2 week break. it was so lovely to see eileen. i did end up asking her where she went on holiday, and she told me she’d been to the south of spain.
it was nice to know where she’d been. it helped me to feel more connected to her. she said she didnt have a problem telling me where she went, but that she wanted to make sure of the reasons that I wanted to know before she told me. I guess she’s looking out for me, she knows I’ve had bad therapists in the past with skewed boundaries and she’s making sure that sort of thing doesnt happen again.
I was really dissociated when i walked in today. we were blendy and switchy. we spent the first 15 or 20 minutes trying to ground ourselves into the present. she kept asking me to feel my body in the chair, feel the parts of my body that were touching the chair, she kept repeating the year and date and other present day details.
eventually i was able to come back fully. we talked about age and how we dont feel our age. that even though the body is 37 we rarely feel that age. mostly its younger parts running the show. and when she says to us she sees a 37 year old woman sitting in front of her it sets off a reaction in us, some insiders have a bit of a moment, shock, and dislike of our body follows.
we talked a bit about ritual dates and the memories associated with the last ritual date which was last week. that was hard. we had no words, or we werent able to find our words. eileen was very encouraging and she helped us a little by prompting us sometimes. that was good. we needed the prompting so that we were able to vocalise how we felt.
we talked about karen leaving and sarah coming on board our team. we hadnt told her about sarah since we hadnt see her since we met her last week. she asked us again how we were feeling about saying goodbye to karen. honestly? I’m afraid to think about it. I know I should, and I’ll have to soon. But I keep denying that its happening. Stupid really as I do know it will happen soon. I am just so sad about it and hating having to lose her from the team.
The session went by way too quickly. We have another 2 week break now because technically eileens still off work until the 21st of August. So its back to counting down the days again until we see her. It feels like it will be manageable though. Now that we’ve had some text contact and seen her once I think we can manage the next couple of weeks without her. We can still email her which is good.
happy moment for today?
my pajamas are too big for me, a sure sign the weight is coming down!
I am very proud of myself, proud because I am losing weight in a healthy way, no purging, no restricting, and most important of all I am exercising and now it is showing and people are noticing.
Over the weekend I had a couple of comments from relatives saying how much they had noticed it. so yep, will take this as my happy moment of the day today.
so another quiet day here. did not get up to much at all. had a bit of a migraine so slept for a lot of the day. my sister was working today and i knew she’d be working near where i live, so i texted her to ask her if she could drop me home later in the afternoon to save me having to spend money on a taxi. she said she would. i ate dinner at mom and dads before she dropped me home. mom came with us and spent an hour here with me while my sister went to her job. she works as a health care assistant so all of her jobs are an hour each, but she might have 3 or 4 jobs or more a day. anyway mom helped me around the house and we chatted. i was telling her i have a lot of clothes i want to donate, shirts i no longer wear because they’ve gotten too small for me. i also have a lot of books i dont need, shoes etc. she said she’d take them to the charity shop when she has a little bit more time. my aunt is going to take the books i think but she hasnt collected them yet. i went on the treadmill for 10 minutes, did a mile, then was sweating so drank a whole bottle of water right after that. i’ve started to do the incline on the treadmill to make myself work harder. and boy do you work when the incline goes on. my legs were like jelly when I’d finished my 3 minute incline. i’ve been texting with my friend for the evening, and watching tv. i texted eileen and we sorted out about tomorrows session. first when i texted her she wasnt at home, and she thought our session was at 10 AM. so then i told kristen to come a half an hour earlier tomorrow morning. but about half an hour ago eileen texted me back to say that she made a mistake and actually our session isnt until 11:30. that suits me better anyway. i have to go grocery shopping tomorrow morning when kristen comes and i want time to go there and not be rushing around and get back and put everything away before tidying the house a little bit. a kinda funny thing happened when me and eileen were texting. we had texted back and forth for a few minutes. then we’d signed off and sent kisses and hugs and all that jazz. about an hour later another text came in from eileen that said probably wont be home for dinner, just meeting x now, there was a name in where the x is. i thought well obviously she’s sending this text to hubby, and not me. so i immediately texted her to let her know what she’d done. she was very apologetic and saw the funny side of it. but it now meant that i knew she was out meeting someone probably for coffee. it felt a little weird knowing that but also felt comforting too. when i texted back to her a few minutes ago i signed off with some imogy’sand xxx. i always do it. she does it too. that part of our text conversations is so comforting to us now. anyway, i think i’ll head on to bed and try to read for a while.
and we will see eileen. and i cant wait.
i am going to ask her where she went on holiday. im not sure shes gonna tell me but i’ll ask her anyway.
its been so difficult without her. i’ve missed her. i want a huge hug from her when i see her on tuesday!
just 2 more sleeps until we see her.
Its a bank holiday over here today. Its now almost 1 AM. I’ve slept most of sunday away. I did get up and ate my breakfast but then went straight back to bed again. Was feeling exhausted. I read for a while then I fell asleep. Slept for a couple hours then got up and ate dinner. There was only 3 of us for dinner as my sister was going to her partners family today for dinner. So it was just mom, dad and me. We had fish. I’m not a big fish eater. Usually I only like frozen breaded fish. However this one was boiled fish, white fish. I’ve grown to like it. After dinner I just chilled out for a while. Mom asked me to go visit my aunt her sister with her and I said I would. That meant I needed to shower, so I did that. Moms other sister picked us up and we stayed for a few hours at my aunts house. We just chatted and watched a documentary abou t princess diana. It was a very interesting documentary. It was all about her life and marriage and then her death. We just got home a little bit ago. I’ll probably be up all night now because I’ve been asleep for most of today. I just noticed a text on my phone from my friend Rose. She had sent it at 2 PM today but my phone had been off the battery was dead in it. She had been asking me if I felt like dropping over to her. I texted her back and told her I never got her message until just now. I feel bad because she’s been doing bad lately mental health wise. She suffers with depression and anxiety and she also has BPD. We are good friends and we are very supportive to one another. We text a lot and see each other usually once a month. Dr. Barry is also her psychiatrist. I kind of think she may end up back in hospital again but for now she has gotten referred to the home base crisis team. I have no plans for today Monday. I will be going back home to my own house in the afternoon. I need to text Eileen and ask her what time our session is at on Tuesday morning. I’ve forgotten what time she told me. I also need to call my home help to see if she is working today. I doubt she is as they dont usually work on bank holidays. I have a relief home help this week, a relief from my relief lol. My regular home help is still out with her shoulder she’s been out for over six months. I have a relief whose really nice, but she’s also on holidays now this week for a week. It doesnt matter if the relief isnt working though I can have dinner at mom and dads before going home.