FUCKING URGES

I’M PISSY. I WANT TO CUT. I WANT TO DRINK. I WANT TO DO THE MOST CRAZY DAMN IMPULSIVE THING I CAN THINK OF. I WANT TO BUT I PROBABLY WONT. BUT DAMN MY URGE TO JUST DO SOME CRAZY ASS SHIT IS STRONG TONIGHT. REALLY FUCKING STRONG.
BINGING ON ALCOHOL OR CUTTING SEEMS PREFERABLE TO TAKING A LOAD OF PILLS, MY THOUGHTS ARE SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL. FUCK IT I NEED TO JUST GO TO BED.
LIZ

Long but good Friday

its been a long day. but a good day. i’m happy and thats what counts. i’ve enjoyed today although part of it was very stressful. i got some bad news about my mom. she has COPD as i think i mentioned before on the blog. so last week she had gone to the doctor and the doctor said she had a chest infection and gave her an antibiotic and some steroids. she also sent her for an x ray which she had today. i dropped her off at the hospital this morning when i was on my way to the basement club. so an hour after she had her x ray the doctor called her. she now has a lung infection. the doctor put her on another round of stronger antibiotics and more steroids. she said if these dont shift it she’ll have to go for a CT scan next week. either way next wednesday she has to go back to the doctor and she has to also see the practice nurse to get a lung function test and some other types of breathing tests. its stressful to hear all that. obviously i want her to be ok. in the past mom and i havent had a very good relationship but its gotten better over the past 18 months or so. it makes me nervous to think it could be something more serious than a lung infection. i know i shouldnt think the worst. i should think positive that maybe just maybe its just the lung infection and these stronger meds will shift it. i hope thats the case. so as i said i went to the basement club for the day today. i did my 2 hours volunteering this morning. that flew by quickly. it was quiet not very much to do or going on. i think i only had one phone call in the whole two hours. i did do up all the sign in sheets so now those are all up to date. i have to input the statistical data on the sheets into a spreadsheet. it sounds boring and it kind of is but i’m fast at doing it now because I’m used to it. i’m still being super healthy. i got mom to make me a lunch today and i brought that with me. a ham sandwich and an apple. then after lunch we had community catch up and then the music therapy group. today in the music therapy group we recorded the song we’d been working on last week. the song we wrote and set to music. it is sounding wonderful. i have a lead role in the song, i am singing the two verses on my own. i really love the music therapy group and i hope they continue it next year. we have two more sessions before xmas. the weather here today is freezing. my phone said it was 40 degrees F when I last checked but this morning it was 36 and tonight its supposed to go as low as 34. my sister lives out in the country and it snowed there. because the weathers been so bad the traffics been a nightmare. it took me ages to get a taxi to go home today from the basement club. i had booked one but of course it was late and i had to stand out in the cold for about 15 minutes. luckily i had a warm coat and gloves. mom bought me a new coat as part of my xmas present and she gave it to me yesterday. i rarely ware a coat and this morning when i got to the basement club colette one of the staff commented that it was the first time she’d ever seen me wear a coat. its a nice coat too really soft and has a furry hood on it and its quilted so nice and snug and warm. am staying at my parents for the weekend well until sunday. dont plan on doing much this weekend though. just my usual, will read, watch tv, just basically relax and keep warm. i’m feeling good right now. i’ll take that over emotional instability any day.

Phone therapy check in

last nights therapy phone check in was a huge success.
When Eileen picked up, a huge surge of emotion welled up inside of me. A mixture of happiness, joy, overwhelm, all at once. I was so delighted to hear her voice. It made me feel so safe.
we talked for 20 minutes. there was a lot of young parts feeling very triggered. so eileen spent time reassuring them. and grounding us back to the present.
we talked about monday and my experience of being on the interview panel. and she kept reminding me that I carol anne did that, that a child part did not do it, I told her I would not even entertain the idea. She said to remind myself that I am capable and can be adult when I need to be. To bring myself back and remind myself of that whenever I start to feel triggered.
I told her I was afraid to go too much into things because I felt like I might float away or get lost in the triggering, she kept telling me to put my feet on the floor and notice my body, notice how I felt in the moment.
It was a good session. I was glad to be able to have the check in. It really helped me and I got a good nights sleep last night after talking to her.

productive thursday but a little tired still think its meds though

i’ve had a good day today very productive. i still feel a little bit off though. i have been sleeping at weird hours. my pattern is all out of wack. i ended up going to bed yesterday afternoon after mom and my sister left and then i ended up staying in bed for a couple hours so then i was awake half the night. when i eventually settled down it was about 5:30 AM. i slept well though when i did sleep. my meds have been making me incredibly tired. i was off them for a few days and that put me all out of sync. now that i’m back on them i’m still getting used to the doses. they are slowly building back up in my system again. anyway back to today. my pa came this morning. i had just gotten up about 5 minutes before she arrived. i was still feeding nitro and letting him out to do his business when the doorbell rang. i had to go grocery shopping. mom had helped me to make a list and i swore to myself that i was going to stick to the list no matter what. and i did stick to it. and my groceries only came to 34 euro! i couldnt believe it. i bought all healthy stuff as i am really trying hard to be healthy and stick to a healthy eating plan so that the weight will come off. i bought the ingredients to make an omlette today for dinner. i love omlettes. i am going to make a cheese and ham omlette. i also bought the ingredients to make a shepherds pie and a chicken casserole next week. i didnt buy any chocolate or crisps or coke or cakes or biscuits. when i finished in the first store i went to another store to by fruit because it was cheaper. so now i’m all stocked up for the week. when we got home kristen put away my shopping and then she did some vacuming and mopping and she changed my bed and now my house smells all fresh and i love it. i bought this new lavender airfreshener which smells so good. i got kristen to make me a lunch and i brought it with me to the basement club and ate it when i got there. right now I’m doing my volunteer work. its really quiet. nobody has called and there is not much to do. even the basement club is quiet. at lunch time there were a lot of members in but they’ve all left now. i’ll be here for another hour. then i’m going home and my home help will come help me cook. i want to try to do 20 minutes on the treadmill tonight. i really dont feel like it but i need to exercise as well as eating healthily. i never seem to have motivation to exercise. thats always been a huge problem for me. i might do it while i watch some tv later tonight.

both dr. barry and eileen came through for me!

so got some great news just now!
First, dr. barrys secretary rang me just a couple minutes ago. She said dr. barry wants to see me next week, on Wednesday at 9:30 AM. I’m thrilled because I was sure I wouldnt get an apt that soon due to missing yesterdays one. Thanks my wonderful dr. Barry you are a true gem!
Then, this morning I texted Eileen. I asked her if she was able to do a phone check in tonight or tomorrow. I told her I needed some support as I felt like I had none this whole week. And just now she texted me back and she said she can talk at 8:30 tonight. I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful caring therapist. She made time for me in her busy day. She really didnt have to do that but she did and I am incredibly greatful. She’s just…awesome.
Right now I’m doing the happy dance. My team have come through for me again. I’m blessed to have them. They are just the best.

poem Dark and light triggers ritual abuse

i have light and dark inside of me

split into two now we are three

they argue all day and night

it gives me a headache when they fight

the light boy is called bay

and he wants things to stay

as they are now, killing no more

he asks, what are we fighting for

the dark boy cypress he is called

thinks that we are just stalled

he wants to kill again and again

he thinks its not the end but where we begin

constantly the two fight over this

and not a word of it do i miss

i wish they would stop arguing and make amends

just stop fighting and become friends

but if they can’t do it right now

i hope bay wins somehow

sage