If we were having coffee 26-05-2016

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that tomorrow is my sisters birthday. And she’ll be 27. I got her a voucher to a clothing store for her birthday. And this afternoon she went shopping and spent it.
I would tell you that this weekend we went to the beach, that is, mom, my sister, her two kids and me. We had a blast catching crabs, playing in rock pools, BBQing food, it was awesome.
I would tell you that I have a busy week coming up in college. Tomorrow I have my 3 monthly IAP meeting. Thats gonna be pretty stressful. I am also busy with some assignments that need finishing off this week too.
I have my therapy apt with eileen on tuesday and my apt with my psychiatrist dr. barry on wednesday. I also see my nutritionist on friday morning. These are all regular appointments that I have each week.
I would tell you that our weathers been pretty good this weekend. Its been really sunny, I even got a little sunburned. I’m hoping that it will turn into a suntan. It just clouded over about an hour ago and started to rain and thunder. They said on the radio that its meant to be hot here in ireland this week, even hotter than spain and other european countries.
I would tell you that I am reading a very good book at the moment, its called raising abel. Its about a single mom who fostered and then adopted a little boy named abel and his struggle with ptsd and anxiety and other issues. I will probably do a review for the blog once I’m done.
So what are you doing this weekend? I want to hear all about your weekend.

thankful for dr. barry

this morning i am thinking about dr. barry. i am thinking about all the times she’s come through for me, been there, validated me. all the times i have told her things and she’s understood. how nice it is to have a doctor who is so compassionate and caring and who truly gets it and gets me. it is wonderful. she is wonderful. and i feel so blessed and so lucky to have her. for years i had psychiatrists who i either clashed with, who didnt get me, who questioned why i did things, who didnt get the attachment stuff, or my complex needs. for years i put up with that because i had no choice. i couldnt change psychiatrists. that wasnt an option. then in 2013 dr. barry became my psychiatrist. and i’ve never looked back since. from day one she has made a conscious effort. she has tried to understand me and where i am coming from. she is open and has not questioned my did diagnosis. she is ok with talking to other insiders, whoever presents, she talks with them. as long as they want to engage with her she will engage with them. and i love her for that. it is an amazing thing to watch younger insiders, the kids in particular, form a relationship with her. they are so attached to her and hang on her every word. it is lovely that they have someone in their lives who they can trust fully, and turn to if they need to. i would love to be able to tell her exactly how i feel about her coming into my life. but mostly my words get stuck in my throat and i am not able to form them to tell her how grateful i am for her expertese, love, and constant presence in my life. some day, hopefully i will be able to get the words together to tell her, i think i might write her a thank you letter. if i sit down and write it out, then i can think about what i want to say. it feels important to me that i get it across to her how much having her as our doctor has changed us for the better.

Beach

yesterday i went to the beach. i went with my mom and my sister and her two kids. we had a great day. we took food and had a bbq on the beach. it was a beautiful day and we sat in the sun. there was a little bit of a breeze and just being able to sit in the sun and watch the kids play was lovely. mom cooked the food and we all ate it. then we went for a walk on the beach, played in the rock pools, caught crabs which was a little bit scary but fun too lol. i held a crab in my hand and we took pictures. we stayed at the beach all afternoon. then we took the kids to a nearby park to play, and then i bought everyone icecream cones. it was just a really lovely afternoon. after the previous night where i’d felt down and suicidal and depressed it was a welcome change and something i really needed. we’re planning on doing it again next weekend if the weather is good.

Dip

my mood has dipped. right now i am feeling very low. i’m alone in the house too so that isnt helping. its too late to call anyone. could use some support from all of you. i’m starting to go into that dark place. i want to try to stop that from happening. i’m not suicidal but i’m afraid i may get that way if my mood stays low. depression really sucks.

singing

i just got home after an amazing singing lesson. it was my last lesson of the term. however summer lessons start in two weeks time. they last for six weeks. i wasnt going to do summer lessons but i love it so much that i decided that i’d rather spend a little extra money on the lessons when i am benefiting so much from them. and i really am benefiting. not only am i practicing technique and learning new songs but i am gaining confidence and even doing the breathing exercises at the start of each lesson is benefiting me as i use it to ground myself sometimes. i havent done any performances yet but thats ok. we are going to do a couple of recordings of the songs i’ve learned over the summer. of course when i do i will share them with all of you. its nice to have something that i am so passionate about, and something that i look forward to each week.

Exam this morning

i’m waiting to start an exam. Its starting in 15 minutes. I’m very nervous.
This is the only exam for this module though. Its the module on the internet that we started last week. And its a skills demo exam. We have to do things like sending email and searching for topics, thats the easy stuff.
Wish me luck. Hopefully my nerves will calm down soon. I always get anxious at exam time.

Past abuser found me

OMG i am so triggered right now. i was having a great night when all of a sudden a past abuser started following our blog. they tried to leave me a comment but i didnt approve it. it was fairly obvious they were trying to get to me. i quickly trashed their comment and privatised the blog. i hate having to do this but i cant just cant have them following us. its way too dangerous.
feeling so anxious and so triggered and stressed out right now.
cant believe this happened! I suppose it was only a matter of time, I mean we are quite open about our did and abuse and stuff or we were…
not any more though…from now on we’re only having certain people who we trust reading our words!
Carol anne