Since we were feeling bad all day, I decided to do some self care activities tonight. I am sitting here nice and cosy in my pj’s watching the toy show. The show is great. All the most popular toys are shown and also children from all over ireland get to perform on the show, singing, dancing, playing instraments etc. Its wonderful. Our littles are loving it. I also went online to see if I could find a good black Friday deal, and I found the tassimo drinks machine, which I’ve always wanted, it makes coffee, hot chocolate etc and it was on sale for 50 euro, with 100 euro off so I bought it. I cant wait to try it out. Has anyone got one of these? Or another type of coffee maker? I know I’ll be in heaven with this machine. I also treated the kids to take out food tonight, so everyone is really happy right now, which is great, long may it last.
The urge to die is strong. Cant do it as am in college. But god i just want to end it. End the pain. I dont even matter anyway. I am nothing. I am not worth it. No one would miss me. At least it feels that way. No one really knows me well, except my therapist. I just want the suffering to end, the feelings of hurt and pain to stop.
What is happiness anyway? I dont feel it. I wish I could. I feel so down, depressed, I just need a hug but cant ask. Feeling so desperate right now, wishing someone would take the feelings away.
I got to work with Eileen yesterday again. It was good to be able to talk to her. I thought at first that she didnt want to talk to me because at first she was talking with Carol anne asking her how I was doing and stuff so I thought that meant that she wasnt going to speak directly to me. But she did. We talked about Dr Barry and I told her that I felt upset that she wouldnt talk to me. Eileen said she was probably trying to protect me and look out for me, and that she knew I was struggling and didnt want to overwhelm me so thought it would be best if I just talked with eileen. We talked about my depression and I told Eileen that I felt that I was being pulled down, it felt like a huge weight was pressing on me. Then I told her I was pushing, trying to fight back. She asked me to stand away from the pushing and pulling, she told me to pretend I was standing on a stage, just looking down at myself, but away from the push pull parts of me. So I did that and it felt better. I was able to talk about my feelings and stuff without getting drawn into them. We talked again about parts, and intrajects. She asked me if I knew that I had parts, I told her sometimes yes I do know, but sometimes I get confused as to who is an inside part of me and the people that are outside of me. She said we’d work more on that over the coming weeks. I felt so tired after the session, like it totally drained me. I was glad though that I got to work with her again.
Happy thanksgiving to all of my american blogger friends. I would love to visit america some year around this time. One year I did visit new york close to thanksgiving, but I wasnt actually there on the day itself.
Because its thanksgiving I thought I’d write a little list of all the things I am thankful for.
My guide dog Nitro
Having enough food to eat
Heat and warmth
My mental health team
My therapist and psychiatrist
day 18: Post 30 facts about yourself
1 I have one sister and no brothers.
2 I have been blind since birth.
3 I was born 13 weeks premature.
4 I am a type 2 diabetic.
5 I have had 3 guide dogs in my life.
6 I have one niece and one nephew.
7 I’ve studied social work, childcare and IT.
8 I live in cork, in ireland.
9 I have brown hair now but when I was a kid it was black.
10 My eyes are different colors.
11 I was in stage school for years when I was young.
12 I did two diplomas at once a few years ago.
13 I used to be a youth club leader.
14 I’ve visited england, france, spain and the USA.
15 I’ve been to disneyworld in florida twice.
16 I’ve been to mall of america.
17 I love starbux. Ginger bread lattes and vanilla lattes and caramel mackiatos are my favourite.
18 I am allergic to cats.
19 I have had my ovaries and gall bladder removed.
20 I have been able to touch type since age 9.
21 I was diagnosed with depression at age 17.
22 I had anorexia in my teens but it was changed to bulimia later on.
23 I can speak french.
24 I love collecting things especially ty beanie babies, stickers, and mugs.
25 I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.
26 I am deathly afraid of bees wasps and all bugs actually.
27 I love anything chocolate.
28 I’m very sensitive and have been told I am overly so.
29 I’m afraid of the dark, even though I cant see.
30 I have a huge collection of stuffed animals. My favourite is a winnie the pooh and a rabbit named nibbles.