Back to normality

My midterm is over. Its back to reality. I’m so thrilled. I loved having the time off, but having the routine of going to school every morning is great too. It is familiar and familiar is good. I will be busy this week as I have an assignment due next Monday and I also have an exam next Friday as well. So a busy couple of weeks ahead. The next exam will be tougher than the first one. Its a word exam but it involves things like mail merge, tables, inserting graphics, etc. Some of which wont be accessible with jaws I’m sure. But I will try my best and thats all I can do. I’m just glad that the triggering weekend has passed and I got through it ok. I stayed with mom and dad for two nights so I’d be safe. I emailed my therapist last night to let her know I was ok and safe.

happy halloween

hi everyone
todays been ok so far. no thoughts of harming and no contact from past abusers. i think we’re pretty safe now as we went to mom and dads for the remainder of the weekend. my pa came this morning. we cleaned my house and then went to get dog food and to the bank because i had to get money out for the week. we also went to the grocery store and mcdonalds for lunch. last night my friend came over and we had chinese food and that was nice. i was so tired though that i could barely keep my eyes open. once she left i went straight to bed. i turned on my tv and was watching a couple things but fell asleep with the tv on. was so glad not to have any nightmares or flashbacks last night. did not wake until my pa rang the doorbell this morning. my sister just came over with the kids. they are going trick or treating and then they are heading to a halloween party that my sisters partners sister is throwing. i’m not sure but i think my aunt is coming to our moms tonight and her mom and i are going to have some drinks. right now i’m feeling pretty good. my mood is ok and i feel relatively stable. i just need to keep myself distracted i think. i hope everyone else is having an ok halloween and that your doing well.

Come join us on our audioboom account

We want to invite our readers to come check out our audioboom account. Audioboom is an ap where you can record audio recordings and upload them to the ap. We are now on audioboom. On our account you will find audio recordings of the alters, and in the future there will be stuff from our family too. we really hope some of you will join us over on audioboom. just hit follow or download the ap to your phone. then you can keep up to date with our recordings as they happen. our account is over at
http://www.audioboom.com/manyofusblog/

See you there!

When I first got my did diagnosis-how i felt

I have been diagnosed with did for years now. Still it really never gets any easier. Sure I can deal with it. Sure I know more than I knew when I was originally diagnosed. But still it can be so hard on some days to live with this condition.
Let me explain. I was unofficially diagnosed in 2001. My then psychiatrist said I might have what was then known as MPD. I freaked out. Yes I knew we were all inside, I knew I heard voices, I knew we had names, but I did not know did was a real condition that existed out there. I did not know anyone like me. But after the diagnosis, I found plenty of people online who experienced what I did. Who were just like me.
it was a relief! I was no longer alone. I no longer questioned my sanity. I had a name for what was wrong. I was multiple.
Years later in December 2010 I was officially diagnosed. It was put on paper finally. I had tests to diagnose did. I went through an assessment and some interviews and spoke about my did system and my memories and after hearing all of this the experts diagnosed me as a classic case of did.
Now I am in therapy weekly. I see my psychiatrist weekly. I take meds. I am coping. But still? Still the did is difficult to deal with because so many people dont know. I cant tell them. They would run or freak out or worse still not accept it or me. It is a lonely existence. I am lucky I have a select few I trust and they know everything and are ok with things just how they are. They accept me for me did and all.
If you know someone with did be kind. Be supportive. Be accepting. It might take time but if you stick with it and keep being supportive and non judgemental eventually the did person will grow to trust you and will be able to more fully open up and tell you what is going on. Most importantly be patient. Did is not easy to live with we are used to hiding it from everyone and even sometimes from our own selves.

Halloween and triggers

i really really wish halloween was over. this time of year just triggers us so much. the constant talk of halloween, hearing about costumes, carving pumkins, going trick or treating, it all is just too much for us!
being a ritual abuse survivor sucks. i cant even talk about it to most people. its beyond most peoples comprehention. they have never heard of it, let alone experienced it. it blows their minds.
everywheere i turn this week there are triggers. small innocent remarks, going to stores, talking to people, hell just breathing is a trigger!
i’ll be real glad when its all over and done with.

Therapy Thursday

We covered a lot in therapy today. Alicia is the one who was out for the first part of our session. For those who dont know, Alicia is 9 years old. I had been feeling irritated and somewhat distracted before I left to go to therapy. So it was really no surprise that she was able to push past me and go out front. She talked to Eileen about the time of the year, and how much she hated it. Eileen asked her if there was anything that she did when flashbacks hit, to bring herself back to the heere and now. She mentioned to Eileen how that sometimes she blows air on her hands, and the cool air brings her back. Eileen said how this was a very good idea. Then she asked her if anyone inside could comfort her when she was feeling bad or not ok. Alicia said that I had told her to come to me when she isnt doing well. But that she is afraid to ask for things, she thinks she isnt worthy of them. She is afraid to ask for what she needs now because it was scary to do that in the past. Eileen asked her to try so she did. She asked me to come sit by her and hold her hand. I did and it made her feel safe. Then she talked with Eileen a little bit about lighter things. About movies and about what she likes to do for fun. She told Eileen she loves bengal tigers. Eileen asked if she’d seen the life of pie, and suggested she may like to watch that at some point. After a few minutes of lighter conversation Eileen asked her if it would be ok if she talked to me. And Alicia agreed. So I came out. The switch was a smooth switch. I started off talking to Eileen about the appointment I’d had yesterday with that awful psychiatrist. I did not realise I was so angry about it but when I started talking it became clear that I was. We discussed it for a while and once I’d gotten it all out of my system we were able to move on to other things. I told Eileen that there was a part that was playing out certain senarios at night. For example this part lies in bed and tries to come up with everything that might happen to us in our home. So they think for example, what if someone breaks in, what if the house goes on fire, what if the doors arent locked, all sorta things like that. Eileen asked me how this part is trying to help. I said I thought they were trying to help by always being ready and always being super hypervigilent about everything. She asked me then if I felt safe just at this moment. I said yes, I did, because I knew if anything happened she’d deal with it. She asked me how old I felt. I said I felt 19 right now, but sometimes I feel about 7 or 8 and most of the time I dont feel my age at all. I told her how when Karen whose dr Barrys team leader called this morning I felt argumentative on the phone, I was having attitude with her, and I just did not feel like an adult at all. We got on then to talking about how resourceful I am. I said I just dont feel it even though you keep saying it. I told her how part of me desperately wants to be cared for. She said she realised that. But that she doesnt see herself as my carer and she doesnt see me as needing protection or looking after. That she sees us as equals and that just because she is my therapist that it doesnt mean I cant cope and am unable to look out for myself. She said its a case of we’ll work together in conjunction with each other to see what I might need but that I am in charge of my own life and she knows that and wants to show me that in fact I can cope and I can do things and I am really resourceful. When she first said it parts insiders were feeling edgy, like it hit hard for them. But when we talked about it more and she was able to clarify that she does care, and she knows how attached to her we are, she knows we struggle with attachment and what is a healthy level of attachment, it became easier. I told her that I thought she really has no idea how much I look forward to therapy each week, how much my therapy appointments mean to me. She said actually she does. That she is very aware that in the past other therapists have treated me as a victim, not as a survivor. That they havent treated me as an equal in the work we did together. I had to agree. Then I told Eileen that what she’d said at the end of last thursdays session, about how much she hated that I was alone and at rist and not safe, how that had really impacted me. I told her I felt it was a very honest portrayal of her feelings towards me. It was real. She said in the moment what she was feeling and I appreciated that very much. Time was almost up then. I told her I had a lot to reflect on this week which is nice. I like being able to reflect on our sessions.
carol anne