The sleep monster got me again

yes he did. no sleep. another night gone by. its now 6 AM. time to wake up. get up and start the day. only i never got to sleep. so yeah. i guess i’m starting day two of being up and awake. i got up at 6:30 yesterday, so i’ve almost been awake for 24 hours. i’m not tired, but well i’m sure as the day rolls on i’ll be exhausted. i have to go see dr. barry this morning. i have a taxi booked for 9 to take me there. i know i need to talk to her about my sleep. i also need to talk to her about the new insider that came, to help me run things, well i didnt know she was there at all until amy told me, i’ll call her s on here she doesnt feel comfortable saying her name yet. anyway. s came to run things when i was down the other day. she can front wheni cant. she takes care of things, runs our life. does the going on with day to day stuff when i am unable to do it. she can act like me, she can pull off being me so that our mom doesnt know i am not there. of course thats a whole other story, because our mom thinks she is talking to shirley when she really is talking to me carol anne. but s can act and speak like me. she is 23 and she is very wise and strong. and i want to thank her for coming on bord. the help is really appreciated. anyway. back to our dr. barry apt today. we need to discuss the emotional overwhelm and the amount of flashbacks we’ve been having since last week. that was when i was contacted by a past abuser. and he set a chain of triggers in motion. and ever since i’ve been struggling, going down sometimes, losing time for hours on end, and not knowing whats going on. so yeah. we have a lot to discuss. i hope dr. barry might have a couple of answers, or some suggestions. its always good to talk to her and get her opinion. she is very open and she listens really good. she’s just an all round awesome doctor. i’m so lucky to have her.
carol anne

oh mommy

i am so sad. i really wish i can talk to our bio mom. but i cant. she wont talk to me. she talks to carol anne, but she think it shirley shes talkin to. it makes me so sad. i just wanna be seen. i just want to be able to say hi. maybe hug her. maybe ask her if she loves me. but i cant. my heart is hurting. carol anne says that shes here for us. but i want someone outside. like eileen or dr. barry. if our bio mom cant see me and doesnt want to talk to me, then i need a mommy like eileen or dr. barry. i think i need just one mommy tho not two. its confusing to have two people who act the same like two moms. it makes me confused. that did specialist he said dr. barry was like our dad, and eileen is like our mom. he said if our childhood had been perfect then thats what those two relationships would have been, a mom and a dad figure in our life. and now dr. barry and eileen are replacating that. thats what he said. he said its important for us kids to have one mom figure. and he asked eileen to be it. so maybe she is then. and dr. barrys like our daddy. you know how you dont tell daddys everything, only some stuff. he said eileen is doing the hard therapy work with us. she is healing our past wounds. so that is why she gets to be the mommy in our life. our attachment has to be with her. we can be atached to dr. barry too but it different. it in a different sorta way. i liked the did specialist. he understood kids and littles, and attachment. he got it. he had a lot of good ideas.
allie

triggered

ok. here we go. emotion overload. flashback central. oh god. nightmare. i dont know what to do, its just, overwhelm. i am feeling, trying to feel into the emotion before it overtakes me. its. not. working. i think i’m going to desolve into tears. really feel switchy. not sure i can stay out front. trying…just not sure i can do it.
carol anne