i’m feeling so anxious right now. i have been sleeping on and off. i started on prozac yesterday and it is making me tired. so been sleeping on and off all day. starting feeling anxious about 3 AM. its now 4:30 AM and I just gave in and asked for a xanax. the nurse gave me 0.25 mg of it. so far it isnt kicking in but maybe it takes a while. I’m so glad dr. barry prescribed this for me. I made sure to ask her for something prn when I saw her on Friday. Everyones asleep in my room. It feels weird to be up and the only one awake. I ate some fruit and some chips and drank some 7-up a little bit ago. Our bathroom is blocked so we cant use it. We have to go into a different room and use theirs. so every time I need to go I have to go out to the desk and ask the nurses to take me. Its kinda annoying.
HOpe I manage some more sleep soon.
another blogger was doing a list of things that they like about themselves so I thought I’d join in too. Here is my list.
i am creative
i am smart
i am intelligent
i am a good listener
i am empathetic
i love my family and friends
i am a good sister
i am a good aunt
i am non judgemental
i am a good writer
I’ve been thinking about dr. Barry and the conversation we had yesterday around attachment and our relationship. And it hurts every time I think of it. I feel like she is going to abandon me. Reject me. I feel like because she wants to push our appointments out from weekly to every 10 days or every 2 weeks that my whole world is falling apart. I know this seems stupid. But I just, I dont know. It just feels like a big blow. She said yesterday that we need to get more secure in our attachment. That right now I am not feeling secure in the attachment. That every time she is not there I find it difficult to cope and I crash hard. Thats true. Every time I see her I try to remember things she’s said in the conversation, so that I can keep the connection to her when we end our session. And more often than not I’m not able to remember and I lose that connection. and I am scared. I am scared she is going to end our relationship. I am scared of losing her. I am scared because it took me so long to build up this connection and my attachment to her. And what if it was all for nothing. What if I am just fucked up and I cant keep an attachment to anyone. And what if I am too crazy and she has had enough? What if she thinks I am too much and too needy? I am just scared. I want to run to her and hug her and never let go. I want to tell her please dont leave me, i need you. I want to say I love you and trust you and dont ever want to let you go. Why am I so fucked up? Why am i inherently bad? Why am I so complex? It hurts. I hurt. Dr. Barry is the first psychiatrist to truly get me and get my did diagnosis. And i dont want to lose that. I couldnt cope if I did.
Sometimes my sky is very dark. Full of rain clouds. There is no tinge of blue in it, no brightness.
This is when I am depressed. When I am depressed my sky is grey. Everything is dark and gloomy.
I spend lots of days looking for the sun in my sky, looking for my happiness and trying to take the dark clouds of depression away.
Angela, over at I am my own island had a post with a liebster award, and she invited anyone who wanted to to answer her questions and participate in the award post to do it. So here I go doing it.
11 facts about me
1 I am blind.
2 I have one sister and no brothers.
3 I am short, at 5 foot 1 inch
4 I have a guide dog
5 I have a real phobia of bees. I’m terrified of them.
6 I love the sunshine.
7 I like most types of music.
8 I love the internet and being online.
9 I have a diploma in youth and commuity work.
10 I was on a locked unit in the past.
11 I’ve attempted suicide numerous times.
angelas 11 questions
1. Who was the last person to give you a compliment?
A nurse in the hospital
2. What time do you usually wake up in the morning?
Very early. Around 5 or 6 AM.
3. What calms you on your toughest day?
My dog, or hearing from friends.
4. What inspires you to blog?
The connection I recieve from other bloggers.
5. What are you wearing right now?
6. Is the glass half empty or half full?
It depends on the day but right now half full.
7. Have you been in love?
I am very much in love, doing a long distance relationship.
8. What was your greatest adventure?
Going to mall of america.
9. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
I dont know I find it hard to think about the future.
10. Beach? Mountains? Or big city?
beach every time.
11. What is the meaning behind your blog name?
My blog is called therapy bits. Because I write about my therapy process a lot in it.
My 11 questions are:
1 Who is your hero>?
2 Are you a morning person or a night owl?
3 Winter or summer?
4 If you could work at any job what would you ;pick?
5 Name 3 things that are good in your life?
6 Do you have pets?
7 3 things you struggle with?
8 Your biggest fear?
9 Something that makes you laugh?
10 Do you cry easily?
11 Someone you treasure?
Anyone who wants to feel free to participate. I nominate all of you to do this.
just finished reading another casey watson short story called daddys boy. as usual it was a great read.
This book tells Paulie’s story. Paulie is 5 and comes to Casey as an emergency placement. He arrives after his mother decides to just hand him over to social services because she says she is unable to cope with his challenging behaviour. Paulie’s mother has 4 other kids, 3 girls and a boy. The girls are 14, 12 and 11 and the boy is 18 months old. All of her kids are by different fathers. The girls father died in a motorcycle accident some years back. Paulie’s father is a retired military soldier. And her babys father is currently living with them. Before Paulie comes to casey he is with his aunt for the night. Casey thinks, he’s only five, what kind of damage can a five year old do? Her link worker John Fulshaw has said that he is no ordinary five year old. When Paulie arrives he is tiny. Casey cant believe her eyes at how small he is. But when he opens his mouth and starts swaring at casey she cant believe her ears. She thinks he’s acting like a teenager with how he’s speaking. John fills casey in before he leaves on paulie’s background, as much as he can of it. Then he leaves and Casey is left to deal with Paulie’s behaviour. It comes to pass that paulie loves and idealises his dad. He rarely sees him. But he constantly talks about him. He also develops a strong bond with Caseys husband Mike. A few days into Paulie’s stay, an email comes through to casey from Paulie’s social worker. It has come to light that Paulie has killed the family rabbit, by bloodgioning it to death. Casey is shocked at this info and Mike is sceptical and doesnt believe it right away. The email also says that Paulie tried to choke his baby brother. There is an incident then when casey is trying to get Paulie into the bath. And he is being stubborn and not wanting to get in, he is wanting his army pants which Casey doesnt have. He is screaming and shouting obscenities at casey, she shouts back at him and this stuns him because he isnt expecting it. And he actually does what Casey says and gets into the bath. Then his social worker calls and wants to bring over some of his things. Paulie gets very upset when he finds out the social worker is coming over. He cries and begs Casey not to let him in. He rushes up to his room and hides when the doorbell rings. He had told casey he was afraid the social worker would make him tell things about the rabbit. the social worker comes in and has brought Cathy who is a play worker. She goes to Paulie while the social worker talks to casey. Then, all of a sudden they hear a banging on the window and screaming from outside. When they go to check what the noise is Paulie’s father is out there. Paulie starts screaming for his dad and that he wants his dad. And his dad starts yelling for them to give him back his son. The social worker goes outside and him and Paulie’s dad get in a fight. Then caseys husband arrives home and he also gets in a fight with Paulie’s dad. Eventually the police are called and they come and bring paulie’s dad to the station. That night paulie is taken out of caseys care. He is taken to a long term foster home. The story ends with casey reflecting on the placement. Paulie is taken to long term foster care, and it turns out he didnt intentionally kill the rabbit after all, it was an accident but his stepdad made a big deal of it and made it look intentional. This was a brilliant book and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who like true stories about children in foster care, or anyone who is studying social work, or who fosters kids. I think you’ll get a lot out of reading it.