I am thankful for this beautiful day and the infinite possibility it holds. I know something good is going to happen.
I’m so thrilled because my very favourite nurse is on duty. Her name is Marie and she is so nice. She has a heart of gold and would do absolutely anything for anyone. She knows eileen, they used to work together when Eileen was a nurse. I’m so happy she’s on duty tonight! If I wake up with flashbacks or nightmares I know I can go out to her at the nurses station and she will talk to me for a while until I’m ready to go back to sleep. There is also another nurse on duty who I’m not particularly fond of because she acts fake and false and I cant stand that type of behaviour. So I avoid her when I can. But yay marie is on duty and that has made my night! She knows we have did and is very accepting of it. She even told me to write up some things and she’d put them in my file to give to other nurses who dont know so much and are pretty clueless about the did! She’s a gem!
omg i’m about to go nuts! this patient on the ward is driving me crazy!
she’s been acting up all damn day! All the nurses are so tired of her that now they are ignoring her. Basically, she went downstairs and walked out and went for coffee and she had no permission to do that. She had no leave so she wasnt supposed to go off the premises.
So all the nurses thought she’d gone missing. And they were frantic and looking everywhere for her. She came back and acted like nothing happened! So now she isnt allowed downstairs for a cigarette. There is no smoking allowed on the ward.
And all afternoon she’s been carrying on and saying she wants a cigarette and can someone let her out for a cigarette, and when she doesnt get her way she starts crying and saying she is going to pack her bags and go home! Then she came in here and was askine me and another girl Annabelle if she should pack her things and go. What could we say? We simply said if that was what she wanted to do then she should do it but only she knows what she wants to do. She keeps saying she hates it in here. She told us if she went home they wouldnt give her any meds and she’d have no cigarettes either. Of course they would give her meds, but I doubt they’ll let her go, she isnt fit to be discharged!
I hope this isnt going to keep up all night. I am not up for a night of acting out behaviour from her. She’s very demanding! And wants attention all of the time! Its crazy!
so this morning I’ve been busy making two new facebook groups.
the first group centres around creativity. so creative writing, art, crafts, etc. anything that you do that you consider to be creative. i want this to be a place where we can share our creativity and comment on each others work, all constructive feedback of course!
the group is
if you want to join us. Would love it if you did.
The second group is for those with did or their supporters. Its a safe place to come and chat, make new friends, learn about did, and have fun along the way. That group link is
I’m hoping some of you will join us. I am going to create a couple of other groups as well. Will advertise them once I have them up and running.
had a pretty awful start to my morning. feel really bad. feel like i am not able to cope. the feelings of wanting to be dead are overwhelming. debating whether or not to tell a nurse how i am feeling. there was a change over and different nurses are on duty this morning than the ones who have been on duty since i came on the ward.
maybe i should just tell them. i dont want my stuff taken away though. i’ll go crazy with nothing to do. i went down for breakfast and ate a good breakfast of cerial and toast. i said i’d try cerial this morning. and i’m glad i did. my blood sugars are kind of all over the place at the moment.
but back to how i’m feeling. depressed, sad, worried, overwhelmed. all of those feelings dont make a great combination. i dont have a plan but i seriously dont want to be here. maybe as the day goes on I’ll feel differently. my mom is coming to visit tonight, after all. that is a positive thing and I am looking forward to seeing her.
some days just feel so hard. its how to get through them. how to survive. I have too though. I dont really have a choice.
i’ve had a very anxiety filled day. i’ve felt anxious and on edge all day. i cant seem to shake it. i am not sure what its all about, except that its there and its very debilitating. i talked to my mom and she has come around, she said she will visit me tomorrow evening and bring me some of my clothes and other things i forgot to bring. so then i had to ring kristen back and tell her that its ok i didnt need her to come. she was glad my mom was coming though. i know my mom is very stressed right now. i feel so stressed out as well, and I am not even the one waiting to hear if i have cancer or not. but the not knowing is really effecting me. i texted eileen earlier to tell her i was in the hospital. she texted me back and said she was sorry to hear that. i didnt send another message to her. i wanted to but i couldnt think what to say so i didnt bother to send one. i might send one tomorrow asking if we can have a phone check in on monday during our regular session time. i wont see dr. barry again now until tuesday. i wish i saw her on monday. i have a lot on my mind and could use her to talk to. i havent eaten very much today. i ate yogurt, and brown bread and cheese, and for lunch i ate a bowl of soup. and that was pretty much it. the food is crappy and they have me on the diabetic diet which is even worse than the regular food. Its just been a kinda bad day. I need to sleep but I cant. I am just so freaked out, scared, and very overwhelmed. I dont know if I should ask for a haldol or not. i think i need one. this anxiety is really bad. my nurse just came to me to talk to me. his name is john. i asked him about the haldol. he said if i could manage without it until i take my night meds then do that, but if i need it in half an hour he’ll come back in and give it to me then.
so yesterday we saw dr. barry. i didnt think we’d see her because she doesnt normally see patients on Friday. But she came and got us and we went to he r office to talk. A junior doctor and a medical student wer in there also. I really didnt care. I opened up and talked to dr. barry. We talked about suicide and myplans. I told her that I had made plans, I was going to slit my wrists, then I thought that wont work, so I decided I’d take all of my pills that I had in the house, then I decided that I’d probably survive that too, so I decided to burn the house down with me in it. So yeah as you can see really severe thoughts of suicide. I think dr. barry was a little taken aback when I said I was planning on burning the house down. She said you’ve never had thoughts like that before. Which is true, I havent.
We talked about my anxiety. I asked her for something for the anxiety and she wants to increase my lyrica, I already take 300 MG of it at night. She wants to add more in. I’m not convinced the lyrica works to be honest. I wish she would have said I could have ativan. I may ask her on Tuesday if I can have some. The anxiety has been so high and really bothering me.
We talked about my ptsd symptoms. I told her they were flaring up, and i was having a lot of flashbacks. I was also startling really easily. She said she thought it was all stress related, and due to all the pressure I was under which is probably true.
Other odds and ends are…my mom. i rang her a couple times yesterday but she refused to really engage with me. She was cold, and distant. She actually asked me if I was enjoying it in the hospital. I think she really thinks I like it here. She was really hurtful to me and so too was my dad. I could hear him in the background and he was saying how I didnt care about my dog, I only cared about myself etc. Dr. barry had told me I did the right thing coming for help, that I have to look after myself in all this. She said she thinks my mom will come around but I doubt it very much. Mom told me to get kristen my PA to get clothes for me. So I called her and she said she’d do it on sunday. She’s going to come to the hospital get the key from me and go to my house and get some clothes. I have two sets with me but thats only going to get me through the weekend.
The ward is pretty quiet, i know two of the patients in here. Annabelle and donna. They are members of the basement club. The rest of the patients I dont know. One is very wound up all of the time. One doesnt want to be here and keeps crying saying she wants to go home etc. That is distressing. I’m lucky though, it could be a lot worse. Today Saturday there wont be too much going on. It will be a quiet day.