Yesterday in therapy we spent the majority of the session talking about an upcoming anniversary date. It is the anniversary of when we disclosed the abuse, which this year is going to be 21 years ago. When we were 14. It happened close to christmas time. At the time our art teacher noticed that something was very wrong, and she pressed us about it. We denied it at first because we knew that if we ever breathed a word about the things that were happening we’d be in a lot of trouble, our abuser had told us he’d kill us, and our family if we ever told. But she kept pressing us until finally she got us to admit to being abused, even though we only told her sketchy details about it. She reported it to the nun in charge and we thought it was over. We thought we’d be saved. We thought there would be an end to it all. Unfortunately not. Nothing happened, well ok, something did happen, they got our mom to come to the school and take us home for a week. During that week they asked our abuser if he’d done anything, he denied it, and that was the end of the matter. We were not believed. Of course all the staff or the majority of them and the nuns were involved too, so why would anyone believe us? They only wanted to uphold the schools reputation, they didnt care how much hurt we’d gone through and who perpetrated it. So that was the gist of our therapy session yesterday, we spent a lot of time talking about all that. At first I had a very hard time opening up to eileen, I felt stuck, she had to keep encouraging me to talk to her. Eventually I was able to and once I started I couldnt stop. Its weird to me how that sometimes I find it so hard to open up to her. I really trust her and have known her for 3 years so I’m pretty sure I know how she’ll react to things by now. Yesterday it was like I didnt want to admit things to myself, let alone to her. We didnt work with Jasmine this week but she said we’d work with her again next week if she was willing to do that. The system is kinda in a mess right now so we had to work on trying to stabilise us before we can continue to work with Jasmine.
Saw dr barry yesterday. I was looking forward to the appointment all day. She came to get me and we went in and sat down. I told her a little of how my week had been. I told her I had to reach out to Eileen twice this week, outside of our regular sessions. I was telling her that Liz had texted eileen at 8:30 in the morning and I didnt think she should have texted her so early, so I had made her apologise to Eileen for it. She knows Liz rarely apologises for anything, so she thought that it was good that she had done it when I’d asked. I said she hadnt without us first arguing. We talked about our sleep and I told her that the meds she gave me last week didnt help much, that I still couldnt really sleep. I said I didnt really feel comfortable taking the sleep meds, and she said I didnt have to take them if I didnt want to, that she wasnt going to push them on me. Basically she said it was up to me and if I felt like I needed one to take it but if I felt like I didnt then that was ok. We talked about stress and college and the upcoming exam and the stress of the last few weeks of college. Then she said we needed to talk about the christmas break. I asked her how much time she was taking off. She said they are taking two weeks off and there wouldnt be any clinic during that time, but that she’d be working in the hospital over christmas, so she said she’d like to see me on December 30th, but that I shouldnt mention it to any of her other patients, because she is only seeing us and not seeing anyone else. I have to get my injection on the 30th so that will be good, because I can get it and see her at the same time. I’m so grateful to her for seeing me over christmas, because I think eileen is taking 2 weeks off. Eileen will probably do a phone check in too though while she’s off. But it was so nice of dr barry to see me and make that time because she knows how much we struggle at this time of year and she also knows how much we rely on her and Eileen for support.
so tonight i am thinking, a lot. about my relationship with dr barry and eileen. i really feel the attachment to the both of them. its hard because parts of me are super attached. parts of me need that comfort from them. that i will take care of you, i will be there for you, i am here and you dont have to worry. it is kind of overwhelming sometimes. i feel so vulnerable. i have never really allowed people to get that close. and it feels right but also a little weird. i think both eileen and dr barry know more about me than anyone in the world. i’ve bared my soul, opened up to them about really deep things, things i dont tell anyone. knowing they know them feels good but also scary. i still cant cry in therapy or with dr barry. i dont know why but its just hard for me to let any emotion show. eileen says in time i will and not to worry that i am not weird because i cant show emotion. i keep thinking there is something wrong with me and she keeps telling me there isnt. so i try to believe her and try to just focus on doing the work that i need to do in order to heal. younger parts really want eileen and dr barry to adopt them. they keep wishing it would happen. we’ve gone over the fact that it cant so many times. but deep down they keep hoping, because they dont understand that its not possible. i feel sad for them that they want this and want a mother figure who accepts them and loves them and will nurture them and they havent been able to get that with our bio mom so are turning to our therapist and dr barry to get that. i am working in therapy on caring for the younger parts of me and trying to support them and nurture them but its not an easy process. eileen and dr barry are very gentle and they know we struggle with the adoption thing and are mindful of that and dont get mad or annoyed or frustrated by it. i’m glad about that. it helps too that they are willing to talk about it as much as parts need, never growing tired of them asking. i’ve just been thinking too much tonight and am feeling a little bit on edge and kind of overwhelmed by all of this. attachment is so difficult when you havent had much safe attachment in life.
Its almost 4 AM. I couldnt sleep. Its so windey outside. The wind is really howling and is keeping me up. So I decided I’d get up and make some coffee and check my email.
I ended up texting Eileen yesterday. I just told her how things were, how I was feeling. She texted me back at about 8:30 last night. That felt good. It felt good that she acknowledged my distress.
I was gonna take the day off college today but I decided against it. I am having enough trouble as it is, if I take a day off I might regret it. So I will go in even though I’m feeling pretty stressed.
I also see Dr Barry later this afternoon. I’m looking forward to that appointment. My mom and sister are also coming over to my house this afternoon. My sister wants to use my computer to finish her nutrition project. Mom usually comes over on Wednesday afternoons to help me clean and cook.
Our exam in excel is next Friday the 16th. I am so nervous about it. I found out today that we have to complete 25 tasks, in 2 and a half hours. Our instructor said some are easy and some are more difficult. I think the exam is going to be a lot harder than the ones we had for word processing. I keep going over the lessons, because I am having trouble with some concepts in excel. We have 2 more lessons left to do and then we will be doing revision and the mock exams. We also have a project to do while we are revising. Both the exam and project are worth 50 percent each of our overall grade in the module. I seriously need to sit down and reread everything. I just am finding things difficult and hard to grasp. I definitely have struggled with this module. If I do well I’ll be very surprised!
I feel so vulnerable this morning. Everything feels so raw. My head is fuzzy and my body feels so weird. Parts of me feel sad and overwhelmed. I wish I could call my therapist. I think that might help. But part of me doesnt want to bother her. Some parts were having a hard night last night. Two of the littles were really struggling. Taylor, who is six was hallucinating and seeing bugs. She always has that happen when she is having intense memories or flashbacks. Then Lexi whose also six was crying and saying she missed her friends in my partners system. There really is nothing I can do about that. My partner is still in the nursing home and I am not sure when she’ll be getting out. The kids dont understand this and miss talking to and playing with their friends in her system. I just think if I was able to hear my therapists voice that things would calm down. We texted at the weekend though so I dont want to keep bothering her and asking for extra support. I might send her a quick email though if I keep feeling this way this morning. I find it hard to concentrate on anything when I feel like this. Just putting it in an email to her might help.