therapy-working with parts, triggers and heavy emotions

IT IS LIZ. I THOUGHT I’D WRITE UP SOME ABOUT MY THERAPY SESSION TODAY. I WAS THE ONE OUT FOR MOST OF THE SESSION. IT WAS AN INTENSE SESSION. WE MANAGED TO TALK ABOUT A LOT. GOING IN I DID NOT THINK I WOULD TALK ABOUT A LOT. I WAS ANXIOUS, SUICIDAL, AND STRESSED. I GOT THERE WITH 10 MINS TO SPARE. I WAITED AND PLAYED ON MY PHONE. WHEN EILEEN CAME IN WE TALKED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THIS AND THAT. ABOUT NITRO, THE WEATHER, TRIVIAL THINGS. THEN EILEEN SAT DOWN AND SAID SO LIZ, WHATS GOING ON? AND I TOLD HER I FELT SUICIDAL. WHATS HAPPENING FOR YOU LIZ? I DONT KNOW. I, I, I JUST FEEL VERY EMOTIONAL. I JUST FEEL SAD THAT YOUR GOING ON HOLIDAY. WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME GOING AWAY? WELL, UM, WELL, ITS JUST…ITS JUST THAT I FEEL LIKE YOUR ABANDONING ME. AND IT HURTS. I’M HURTING. MY HEART HURTS. IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU DIDNT GO. OR IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I DIDNT CARE. WHY DID I EVER HAVE TO BECOME SO ATTACHED? ATTACHMENT PAIN REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. SHE SOOTHED ME AND WE TALKED MORE ABOUT THE FEELINGS THAT WERE COMING UP. SHE REASSURED ME THAT SHE WASNT LEAVING, AND SHE WOULD BE BACK. DO YOU KNOW THAT I’M COMING BACK? WAS WHAT SHE KEPT SAYING. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF LEAVING. YOU SAY I’M TAKING A BREAK AND IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I NEED A BREAK FROM YOU. I WANT TO TELL YOU AND ALL OF THE PARTS THAT THATS NOT WHATS HAPPENING HERE. I DONT THINK YOUR TOO MUCH OR YOUR STUFF IS TOO MUCH. I DONT NEED A BREAK FROM YOU. I’M JUST TAKING A LITTLE HOLIDAY TO RECHARGE MY BATTERIES, THATS ALL. I WANTED TO BELIEVE HER, I DID. BUT PART OF ME STILL DIDNT. PART OF ME WAS LIKE NO, YOUR LYING. YOU REALLY THINK I’M TOO MUCH AND YOU NEED TO DISTANCE YOURSELF FROM ME. YOU NEED TO PUT SPACE BETWEEN US. I STARTED TO CRY THEN. IS IT OK TO FEEL INTO THE SADNESS LIZ? NO! NO! ITS NOT OK! I DONT LIKE IT! I HATE IT! MAKE IT STOP! ITS NOT OK, ITS NOT OK! CRIED SOME MORE. THEN STARTED TO GET REALLY ANGRY. WHO IS ANGRY LIZ? WHO IS THAT? I THINK ITS A TEEN PART. SHE IS VERY ACTIVATED. YES I CAN SEE THAT. SHE IS FINDING IT HARD TO HOLD THE ANGER AND THE PAIN ISNT SHE? YES. AND SO THE SESSION WENT ON. WITH ME DISSOCIATING AND SPACING OUT, GOING INTO A TEEN PART AROUND 13 YEARS OLD. EILEEN TRYING HER BEST TO GROUND ME BACK TO THE PRESENT. BACK TO REALITY. ME RESISTING. DISSOCIATING BECAUSE I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FEELINGS THEN. I CAN STUFF THEM DOWN AND JUST DISSOCIATE THEM AWAY. ITS BETTER IF YOU TALK LIZ, IT REALLY IS. BUT I CANT, I CANT TALK. I LOST MY WORDS. WE CAN FIND THEM, LETS FIND THEM TOGETHER. ITS OK, I AM HERE. I AM HELPING YOU AND I AM HERE AND NOT GOING ANYWHERE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH THIS, I AM WALKING THE JOURNEY WITH YOU. WE DECIDED THAT RATHER THAN RUN 3 WEEKS OF A BREAK CONSECUTIVELY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A SESSION ON AUGUST 8TH. EILEEN ISNT WORKING THEN, SHE IS JUST COMING IN TO SEE US. SHE OFFERED TODAY AND I SAID OK BECAUSE I KNEW THAT WE COULDNT MANAGE WITHOUT HER FOR MORE THAN 2 WEEKS. IT JUST FELT TOO LONG. SO WE’LL SEE HER ON THE 8TH, AND THEN WE WILL NOT SEE HER AGAIN UNTIL THE 21ST. SO WE HAVE TWO WEEKS TO WAIT NOW UNTIL WE SEE HER. WE FORGOT OUR CALENDAR THEN TODAY BECAUSE WE WERE SO TRIGGERED AT THE END OF THE SESSION. WE WERE SO TRIGGERED THAT WE FORGOT TO TAKE IT FROM EILEEN. AND GUESS WHAT? SHE WENT TO THE POST OFFICE AND MAILED IT TO US. ISNT THAT SWEET? SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH THE KIDS NEED THAT CALENDAR, HOW MUCH THEY ARE COUNTING ON BEING ABLE TO COUNT THE DAYS OFF. SHE’S SO SWEET TO DO THAT FOR US. SHE ALSO CALLED US THIS AFTERNOON TO CHECK IN WITH US AFTER THE HARD SESSION. SHE SAID SHE FELT WE WERE REALLY DISSOCIATIVE LEAVING AND SHE DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE US LIKE THAT. IT WAS SO NICE OF HER TO RING US UP TO MAKE SURE WE’RE OK. I AM SO GLAD SHE DID. SHE KEPT TELLING ME HOW RESOURCEFUL I AM, HOW THE ADULT PART OF ME CAN HANDLE THINGS, AND HOW MUCH SHE HAS FAITH IN US THAT WE CAN. THAT WE ARE ABLE TO SEEK OUT SUPPORTS. AND SHE ENCOURAGED US TO USE ALL THE SUPPORTS WE HAVE AT OUR DISPOSAL OVER THE NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS. I MISS HER ALREADY AND ITS ONLY BEEN A FEW HOURS. OH GUESS WHAT ELSE? SHE WAS WEARING THE SAME PERFUME THAT DR. BARRY WEARS! BOTH OF THEM WEAR THE SAME ONE! SO NOW I DEFINITELY NEED A BOTTLE OF IT. THATS THE NEXT THING I’M GOING TO BUY. THEN I CAN FEEL CLOSER TO BOTH OF THEM.

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Recipe of the day. Spectacular sweet potato muffins

Spectacular Sweet Potato Muffins
2 tablespoons firmly packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon allspice
1/3 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup cooked, mashed sweet potatoes
3/4 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup oil
1 egg, beaten
Mix together 2 tablespoons brown sugar and 1 teaspoon cinnamon; set aside. Stir together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, allspice and 1/3 cup brown sugar; set aside. Mix together sweet potatoes, buttermilk, oil and egg; stir into dry ingredients. Fill greased muffin cups two-thirds full. Sprinkle each muffin with 1/2 teaspoon of reserved cinnamon mixture. Bake at 425 degrees for 14 to 16 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean.
Makes 12 muffins.

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good morning world

good morning good morning hey ho to everyone. i didnt sleep. i tossed i turned but i didnt sleep. it was crazy. i was thinking too much. racing thoughts are not fun. my mind was whirling and swirling with thoughts. in the end i got up made coffee and listened to my book. i just gave up on getting sleep. i hope i can stay awake for therapy and then at the basement club afterwords. i am facilitating the members meeting today. that is an important job. i hope i do well at it. i’ve doen it before so i know what i have to do. it will be hard to concentrate since i didnt sleep. i plan on staying in the basement club until about 4 PM. i’ll prob crash tomorrow night. crash real hard. who knows maybe i will maybe i wont. i have my sleep med which is halcion and then i have fenergon too which also is for sleep. i also have haldol. hoping one of them works when i take them. its the knowing which one i should take. which is the best option.

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i really need a mommy

im hurting my heart is sad i wish my mom could love me see me love me for me not for who she thinks i am not for an adult i want to be a kid do all the things kids do get the love unconditional love of my mom there is so much she didnt do with us when we were a kid that she does now with our niece and nephew it hurts to see that it makes me sad and makes me cry because i missed all that i missed out eileen said its ok to cry she said i can feel all of my feelings that it will be ok she is reparenting us but she isnt our mom but we wish she was because she is nice and caring and loving and she does things like read to us and hug us and say nice things to us and make art with us and make a calendar with us for when she is away on a break that is all nice stuff to do its like what a mom does i cant have my real moms attention so its ok to have eileens? is it? i hope it is. i just really need a mom. i am really sad that it cant be eileen or dr. barry. its hard when you really want something and it cant happen. they cant adopt me. i can still wish though. i will always wish for that.
allie

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Why do I cut?

WRITTEN BY LIZ, AGE 16

I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE

TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY

TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE

AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE

I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS

THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE

MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY

HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD

IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN

I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED

THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME

I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB

THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE

HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS

LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS

YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF

WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN

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Poetry

when your feelings are ablurr
all blurry
mixed with one another
and you mind twirls
swirls whirls
and your life is turned upside down
you feel so unsure
so insecure
so unsafe
all over the place
your life is spinning out of control
are you whole?
it doesnt seem like it
not one little bit
and you flit in and out
switching between parts
parts, that floaty feeling that dissociation brings
is it healing?
when your floating on the ceiling?

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