i cant do this. im a hopeless case.
he said so. he said im bad. a lost cause.
i need to die. i need to end it.
he said so. he said it would be for the best.
im just taking up space in this world. space that i dont deserve.
why did he have to email me?
We create in people through our actions and example. In this way people around us become reflections of our own behavioral patterns and internal energies.
its been a busy day. productieve though too.
as i mentioned i saw dr barry. i got a lift to my apt, from Clodagh my supervisor. then i also got a ride back to abode afterwords. which was nice as it meant i didn thave to pay for a taxi.
i was the only person in today on our ILS course. so I really didnt do a lot of work. I did nothing before lunch as my dr. barry apt took up the whole morning.
after lunch i worked on my personal effectiveness module. we worked on writing a mission statement. that was harder than it looked.
i had to also do some worksheets about hopes, dreams, personality traits, values etc. it was fun. i enjoyed doing it.
since i was the only one in noelle who is our other trainer took me out walking for a while, normally we go at lunch time but today we took off walking in the afternoon, i took nitro and gave him a run in the park. he loved it, he was chasing some other dogs.
i came upstairs after class, fed nitro, and then went to bed for 2 hours. i was falling asleep in class, so knew if i didnt go to bed for a while i wouldnt be able to go out this evening to get weighed.
i had a nice sleep. felt refreshed upon waking an dwent for dinner feeling good.
after dinns got ready to go to slimming world. had to brush my teeth and put on perfume ya know all the things y a do when beautifying yourself lol.
its almost 11 :30 now. I spent the last hour removing all the stuff from a computer that I have that I’m giving my niece whose 10.
she’ll be thrilled with it. I cant wait to show her at the weekend.
Now just chilling out listening to music, doing email and catching up on blog posts.
had our apt with dr barry today. it went well.
we werent waiting long at all before she called us in. the clinic was pretty quiet.
she told me it was a good thing i wasnt coming in last week, as she got snowed in and couldnt come in to work on wednesday, thursday or friday.
i talked to her about my anxiety. i told he r how bad it has been. she asked me if i knew why i was so anxious. i said i felt overwhelmed. overwhelmed because i’ve been trying to sort out the system, its been very chaotic lately.
she asked me if i am putting a lot of pressure on myself and expectations on myself to try to fix things when i cant. i said probably thati always seem to do that.
she was looking back on my notes and she said the anxiety seemed to start after our did reassessment. that hadnt even occured to me but when I thought about it she’s right.
that did reassessment was huge.
we talked about sleep, i told her ours was still off.
she didnt really have any suggestions for me, other than to try to put a bedtime routine in place, and stick to it.
thats hard for me though. i just cant seem to do it.
we talked about therapy. i told her that we’ve had a few pretty intense sessions lately. but that we’re progressing and doing some EMDR to process memories.
I asked her about meeting the new social worker on her team. She said she’d make a formal referral. And that I could meet her maybe in two weeks time.
I’m thinking she can help me with funding for some equipment, not sure if she’ll be able to do it but I’ll ask her.
that was about it, it was a shorter appointment today.
two slices of wholemeal toast
mug of tea
Toasted turkey sandwich
Mug of tea
Mid afternoon snack:
some blueberries and grapes
Potatos, peas, turkey
Mug of tea
9 PM snack
3 mandarin oranges
My exercise today was walking two laps of the park. It took me 10 minutes to complete it.
I got weighed in tonight and this week i didnt lose any weight. I’m not surprised though. I didnt think I would. I had eaten a couple things that I shouldnt have eaten due to getting snowed in, and just not making an effort to prepare food. Its not all doom and gloom, though. I got slimmer of the week for last week, for losing 7 pounds in 2 weeks. So I got a nice magnet with a saying on it and some stickers for my book. I’m going to work hard this week and have a better week weight wise. At least I maintained though, I didnt gain any. That is good.