its me allie. in case some of you didnt know i am 9.
monday in therapy i talked for a few minutes. i told eileen how over the weekend some of us kids had been running things. and i didnt like that. i get scared when we have to run the show. it happened because carol anne was so depressed. she’s doing a little better now. eileen had a long talk with her and was able to bring her back and help her feel better. she told her how i felt. carol anne said she felt bad that i felt so alone over the weekend. she told me she was sorry and she was here for me now and if i needed her that all i had to do was ask. i’m happy that she said sorry. i feel more secure knowing she is there if i need her.
i think i am going to talk with dr. barry today. its been a while since i did that. and she is my second mom! i think i am going to tell her that i think of her as my second mom.

Busy wednesday

so its after 2 AM. and I am up. cant sleep because i slept earlier. i slept from about 8 pm till 11 pm. then i got up and made coffee and face timed my friend sarah. we were on the phone for about 2 hours. talking to her always makes me feel good. i just got done taking a shower. i was going to wait until about 7 AM but then i just decided i’d go do it now. todays gonna be very busy. well at least the morning will be. i have an apt with my OT mark. that will be good as its been a month since i’ve seen him. we need to do some catching up and make a plan for the next couple of months. i’m thinking of going back to school after the new year. not sure yet what i want to study though. its just a thought right now but mark is going to help me look into options. if i do go back i want to go part time. the adult education section of our local university has diploma courses you can do part time one evening a week. i might do one of those. i’m also considering volunteering for another organisation besides the basement club. i havent given it a lot of thought but i’m hoping mark can help me with that also. i was going to apply to volunteer at friendly call which is a service that checks in on vulnerable people, and gives them a check in phone call. but you need to be really stable for that i think. i dont know if i could listen to peoples problems and be ok myself. i think i probably could but i want to wait until i am in a much better place mentally before trying something like that. meanwhile i was thinking about possibly looking into volunteering for an organisation that is disability related. there are a lot to choose from. i’ll probably talk to mark about all that today. after i see mark i will be seeing dr. barry. since i only saw her on monday i am not sure what we’ll talk about. probably just how i’ve been the past two days. i need to tell her about the intense flashbacks i’ve been having. they’ve been really severe. i hate flashbacks so much. they always take my breath away and leave me in a massive triggered state. i’ve done better the past two days with my meds so thats good at least. the rest of today will be low key. mom and my sister are coming over and i’m going to write some xmas cards. moms going to cook me a chicken casserole which i’m really looking forward to. other than that mom will probably do some stuff for me around the house. then for the evening i’m going to just chill. read my book, i’m rereading the saddest girl in the world by cathy glass. i’m on chapter 8 right now. its a good read. makes me very emotional though but i love her books. i’ll review it once i’m done.

This weeks therapy session

therapy this week was so draining. It was only draining because I did so much hard work. We did EMDR which is always hard going. You have to focus so much when you are working with the pulsers. I always find I have to work really hard and it really takes it out of me.
We talked about the relationship I have with my sister. I told Eileen that my sister, who is 27, always comes to me for advice. She is pretty clueless about so many things, and she looks to me to sort things out for her. I was feeling very triggered and kept switching into a five or six year old part, and Eileen kept bringing me back, saying that the adult part is who my sister sees, capable, resourceful, it worked for the most part, and we were able to work a little with the six year old part to find out why she was so triggered. She was so triggered because she was scared about our moms health issues. I ended up talking to Eileen about those, too. Eileen got me to notice my body, which was hard as I tend not to notice when I am activated, unless I am really focusing on parts of my body. We were doing a lot of grounding exercises this week. We spent much of the session doing EMDR and working with the young five or six year old part who was triggered. I did talk to Eileen about feeling disconnected from her because it was 3 weeks since we’d had a session. And I thought things in her office would be different. And I was scared our relationship was going to be somehow changed. But it wasnt. I need not have worried. Eileen was her same self, I dont know why I always fear things being different. I suppose its because we rarely have long breaks where we dont have a session.
It was a good session and I am pleased with how it went.

Yesterdays dr. barry appointment

yesterday we saw dr. barry. it was a great appointment. we talked about a few different things. i told her about the depression. we talked a little about coping and how i was managing it. she kept reassuring me that i dont give myself enough credit, that i was doing well despite everything. i thanked her for giving me the extra appointments instead of putting me in the hospital. i talked to her about my need for contact, since that has ramped up again recently. she kept telling me that it was ok, that its not a straight line, and sometimes i will need more contact than other times. and thats ok. she’s willing to provide the extra contact if i need it. so that was good. we had a long discussion about medications and taking them. i havent been taking mine as prescribed. mostly because of the dissociation and just being forgetful and having nobody to remind me to take them and then when i do remember its too late and i have to skp doses. she asked me to have the pharmacy blister pack my meds. she said at least hat way i’ll know exactly what i’ve taken. she also said i could move some of my morning meds to night time. so i’ll be moving my seizure meds and my lyrica to the night time. she said she thinks that will be better for me and i should be able to tolerate the high dose 300 mg of lyrica all at once but if i cant that we can look at it again. she said she’d be writing to my gp to tell him we had a long discussion and this is the plan going forward. i started to flip out at one point because she said she was going to tell my gp that we’d had a long discussion about compliance. i thought she was saying i was non compliant and so i kind of freaked out. but she reassured me she knows there are multiple factors at play as to why i am not taking my meds and it isnt because i dont want to take them. she said the compliance word is just a general term that is used and not to worry she doesnt think i am doing it on purpose. so that was good. we talked about sleep but she said since i am not taking my meds right that there really is no point is adding in a sleeping tablet and the lyrica at a higher dose at night might just do the trick and allow me to sleep better. if not then i do have phenorgan to fall back on. or she said i could take an extra haldol is all else fails. so it was a good appointment. i told her about moms medical issues. she was sympathetic and said i had a lot to deal with that was outside of my control. which is true i guess. i am seeing her again tomorrow. i am also seeing our OT mark tomorrow morning.

The results of my ultrasound scan

So I just got the results of my ultrasound scan. They were normal. The nurse said I had fatty liver though. She asked me if I was carrying some extra weight of course the answer is yes I am. She told me it would be wise to lose some weight. So I guess my goal over the next few weeks is to lose some weight. She said if I didn’t my blood test’s might not be normal the next time I have bloods taken. It’s such a relief to know that the results were normal though. I’m so happy. One less thing to worry about.

crying spells and inner turmoil

i spent an hour earlier just crying. the flood gates opened and i couldnt stop. and now i dont feel too good. i thought the tears would help me feel somewhat better. but all it did was make me feel like a failure. i should be strong. i should be able to cope. i should i should i should. thats all i keep thinking. why am i like this? the little parts are so anxious and fearful. we’ve been thinking about our mom. and are worrying about her now again. i started reading to try to distract. i am rereading a cathy glass book called the saddest girl in the world. its an emotional read but i love her books. i read two chapters. it did take my mind off of my worries for a while too so thats good. the little parts are really feeling like they need to talk with dr. barry this morning. probably they wont, but just being in the same room with her will help them. she is not opposed to talking to them and has done in the past. but mostly i come out or liz does. we are the two she most talks to of all of us. i am hungry but i dont know what to eat. i am thinking maybe i’ll grab something on my way to dr. barrys office. stop off and grab something. thats if i get a taxi driver who knows me. ok better go ring my mom and check in with her. see you all later.