I had a bit of an argument with my mom tonight. She always comes over to my house on wednesdays. She cuts the grass usually, and does a couple of other bits around the house. The thing is she doesnt drive, she gets my sister to drop her off and pick her up. My sister is working and then she drops my dad off to the nursing home to see his brother, and so on the way to do that she drops mom off to my house. Usually on a wednesday I am seeing dr. barry in the morning and so I dont get home until about 11 AM. Mom was coming over at about 11:30. But these past few weeks she’s not coming over until after 12:30. The time she is spending with me is getting shorter and shorter. Tonight I felt upset and said so to her. She snapped at me that I was lucky she came over and that some people have no one to cut their grass or help them clean their house when their PA isnt around. I know all that. But I just felt so sad, I just want a few hours with mom on my own, a few hours a week, is that too much to ask? I know I see her at weekends. But we are rarely alone and I wish we were alone more often. I just want some one on one time with her. She said my sister might drop the kids off to her tomorrow morning, so if she does that will mean she’ll have to bring them to my house. I dont mind that, davin just plays with the big box of cars I have, lauren gets bored though, there isnt much she can play with or do in my house besides watch tv or play with the cabbage patch dolls. If mom is out cutting grass, that means I will have to look after the kids. I’m really not up for that. So yeah tonight I got snappy with mom and she was like what is the silence about? And I tried to tell her Lauren would be bored and she was like I know but what can I do? I really felt like saying tell Laura to drop the kids to davin’s moms house! That would be easier. I know it sounds like I’m a selfish bitch. And I probably am. But I just want my mom to myself for a while tomorrow. I feel a need to have that mother daughter time with her. In the end tonight I phoned her back and apologised for being crabby. She said that it was ok but that I should realise how lucky I am to have the support of my family. I know that. I do know I am lucky as not everyone has that support.
I just took this video of nitro, I don’t know if I took it correctly but I tried, he is making me so happy tonight, he is keeping me distracted and keeping me busy I love him so much he is my world, he is an amazing dog. 🙂
my happy moment for today?
when your fluffy baby boy comes running in with not one but two nyla bones in his mouth, and tries to push them into your hand, to say, play come on mom lets play!
I so wish I’d have gotten a picture of him!
It melted my heart. I was feeling a little bit down when he came in, and what he did lifted my mood right away.
Yay for my furbaby and yay for doggy kisses and playdates!
today was a great day food wise. I did everything right.
a mug of coffee
A turkey sandwich
Mug of coffee
Potatos, peas, chicken fillet
A fruit salad
bottle of pepsi max, more coffee
Yes I know I need to work at trying to cut out coffee, I drink a lot of the stuff. But for now I’m happy with what I have been doing. Baby steps. In time I will cut down on my coffee intake.
One mile on the treadmill. Speed 4, time, 12 minutes.
I feel bla. Neither here or there. Just like ug this is pointless, life is pointless.
Dont know what brought me to this place tonight. I dont like it though. Its like this kind of flatness. a kind of resigned life is just icky.
Can anyone relate? I hope so as I hate to be alone with my thoughts and these feelings.
we had therapy today after a 2 week break. it was so lovely to see eileen. i did end up asking her where she went on holiday, and she told me she’d been to the south of spain.
it was nice to know where she’d been. it helped me to feel more connected to her. she said she didnt have a problem telling me where she went, but that she wanted to make sure of the reasons that I wanted to know before she told me. I guess she’s looking out for me, she knows I’ve had bad therapists in the past with skewed boundaries and she’s making sure that sort of thing doesnt happen again.
I was really dissociated when i walked in today. we were blendy and switchy. we spent the first 15 or 20 minutes trying to ground ourselves into the present. she kept asking me to feel my body in the chair, feel the parts of my body that were touching the chair, she kept repeating the year and date and other present day details.
eventually i was able to come back fully. we talked about age and how we dont feel our age. that even though the body is 37 we rarely feel that age. mostly its younger parts running the show. and when she says to us she sees a 37 year old woman sitting in front of her it sets off a reaction in us, some insiders have a bit of a moment, shock, and dislike of our body follows.
we talked a bit about ritual dates and the memories associated with the last ritual date which was last week. that was hard. we had no words, or we werent able to find our words. eileen was very encouraging and she helped us a little by prompting us sometimes. that was good. we needed the prompting so that we were able to vocalise how we felt.
we talked about karen leaving and sarah coming on board our team. we hadnt told her about sarah since we hadnt see her since we met her last week. she asked us again how we were feeling about saying goodbye to karen. honestly? I’m afraid to think about it. I know I should, and I’ll have to soon. But I keep denying that its happening. Stupid really as I do know it will happen soon. I am just so sad about it and hating having to lose her from the team.
The session went by way too quickly. We have another 2 week break now because technically eileens still off work until the 21st of August. So its back to counting down the days again until we see her. It feels like it will be manageable though. Now that we’ve had some text contact and seen her once I think we can manage the next couple of weeks without her. We can still email her which is good.
happy moment for today?
my pajamas are too big for me, a sure sign the weight is coming down!
I am very proud of myself, proud because I am losing weight in a healthy way, no purging, no restricting, and most important of all I am exercising and now it is showing and people are noticing.
Over the weekend I had a couple of comments from relatives saying how much they had noticed it. so yep, will take this as my happy moment of the day today.