Good day so far but my mood is still low

I am exhausted. Ididnt get any sleep last night. My pattern is all wrong. Probably because I sleep at odd hours. Yesterday afternoon after I came home from therapy and seeing dr. barry I took a nap. Then because I did that I couldnt sleep last night. I probably shouldnt nap and then maybe Id be tired at the right time and sleep at the right times.
My mood is pretty low today. Talking to mom about her possible cancer diagnosis didnt help that. She had me look up symptoms of lung cancer and what stage one lung cancer was like. I knew as soon as I did that that I shouldnt have. I got emotional and very overwhelmed and scared. I told mom to just read the info to herself. It was all I could do to look for it and show her.
My PA came this morning. She got stuck in traffic and I thought shed be late but she wasnt. She got here with 10 minutes to spare. She made me eggs and toast for breakfast and then she did my house work. She mopped and vacumed, made my bed, did the dishes, put a wash on and emptied my bins. Then she dropped me to my parents house.
My sister has an interview on Thursday for a job. She already works for one agency but the work is not coming in so she applied to another agency because she needs the money. She is a health care assistant. That means she works with people in their homes, mostly elderly people. The interview on Thursday is just so that she can be put on the new agencys books.
I plan on reading, catching up on blogs, and watching tv for the evening. I am going to keep it low key. Hoping my mood picks up. I think some Nitro and me time is in order. He makes me smile and feel good. I love him and he loves me back.

I have scared myself why do I do this to myself

I was chatting in the kitchen with mum. She had me look up stage one of lung cancer. What iPhone is it really scared me. What if she has cancer? What then. I think I will fall apart. I won’t be able to cope. I am really emotional right now. Feeling overwhelmed and apprehensive. I don’t want mum to have cancer.

Weight loss, week one

Meant to write this last thursday but…

I went to my nutritionist and was weighed. And, drumroll, I lost a kilo, 2.2, pounds.

I am beyond happy. It is a great start to my weight loss journey.

This week has been pretty good food wise. I craved take away food a couple of times but I didnt eat any. I had one cappachino, no chocolate, no crisps or biscuits.

Im hopeful Ill be down some weight on Thursday. Exercise has been a bit of a problem. I havent done as much as Id have liked to do, but the weeks not over yet. I still have 3 more days before i get weighed!

Overall though Im happy. And Im proud of myself. I can do this. I can lose weight and get healthy and fit in the process.

I be scared

It’ll be early in the morning and I can sleep, I am scared, I hearing voices in my head, they tell me mean things, they tell me I’m no good I’m horrible I’m a horrible person and I need today. I hate them. They really make me feel bad. My heart hurts. I cuddling up with nitro, I brought him on the bed. He’s a good doggy, I need a friend right now is anybody there? Please someone please talk to me. I’m just so scared


Please someone please talk to me. I’m just so scared

hard therapy session this week. Willow and AJ had therapy time

Therapy was very intense yesterday. I didnt end up having any of the session. It was shared between Willow and AJ. Willow is 21 and AJ is 14.
Willow arrived and was very resistant to being there. She was having a bit of an I want to push Eileen away moment. She asked the taxi driver to stop off on the way so she could grab a coffee, I was surprised at that. Thats normally something liz would do. When we got to Eileens office we had a couple of minutes to spare. Eileen had left a heater in the middle of the floor and we almost tripped over it. So when Eileen came in to her office Willow jumped on her about leaving something in our path. Eileen was very apologetic and said now you know Im not perfect which made us laugh.
Anyway back to the resistance. Willow was able to say to Eileen that she was feeling it. Which I thought was good progress. Eileen told her to notice it but not to push it away. They talked for a while about depression and whether it is an illness or not. Eileen says she doesnt see our low mood and anxiety as illnesses, that we are dealing with a lot right now and anyone in our situation would be depressed and anxious. She said it is not pathalogical. That its ok for us to be feeling this way. Willow said she wants it to be an illness, because she would like a way out, not to have to take responsibility for things. So they explored that for a while.
Then AJ came forward. She was angry and irritable ad wanted to chew Eileen out. She had been pretty active this weekend. Under all that anger though was hurt and emotional overwhelm. Eileen was very kind to her. She told her it was ok for her to be angry and that shed still be here. They talked and AJ cried. She cried for about 20 minutes. Then she said I need something. what do you need? Eileen asked. AJ faltered. I need, I need a hug. Eileen got up and came over and hugged us hard. She kept saying its ok, your ok, its ok, i promise its ok. We were shaking and crying hard. She didnt let go of us for about 5 minutes. When we pulled apart she offered us her hand and we held hands for the remainder of the session. It felt so comforting. Eileen just feels so safe. We talked about touch and how important we feel it is for us because we cant see her face. She said I agree with you and I hear you and I am taking that on bord. I said I know some people dont agree with it but for us it feels right. She asked me if any insider had issues with her touching us or hugging us and I said not to my knowledge. She said its not that people dont agree with it persay but its just that we have to make sure its for the right reasons. She told me that its important for me to know that she doesnt want anything in return, that she isnt doing this for gratification, that its something that she is doing just to be with us and with our pain. I believe her. So yeah the session was intense which is probably why I overreacted about the thing with dr. Barry. In the end Eileen asked Liz and me and some other insiders to support AJ over the coming week. AJ said she could only handle one person supporting her so she picked Liz to be the one to do it. Liz is the right person anyway for the job as she has been where AJ is now. So yeah, a good but intense session.