Busy few days

Yesterday we saw dr. barry. It was a good appointment. I got to talk about what was happening with mom and that was really helpful. Dr. Barry encouraged me to keep using my resources. She said between herself and Eileen, my mentor colette, and the weekend service I have a lot of people to link into for support. I agreed. She said I was becoming very adept at describing my feelings. I was actually shocked when she said that because I dont think I do a good job of describing things at all. We talked about respite and she encouraged me to call the respite place and see where my name is on their list. I think once I write this post I am going to call them.
You remember I said I was getting a job coach? Well I called the agency where the job coaches work yesterday to see where I am on their waiting list. It turns out I am next on the list to get a job coach. Once they exit the next person off their case load Ill be next in line. Im looking forward to working with a job coach. I am hopeful Ill get matched up with a job and start working part time soon. Its somethingIve always wanted.
I went to my nutritionist this morning. She weighed me and I have lost 1 KG or 2.2 pounds this week. I am thrilled. What I am doing is paying off. She told me to keep focused and keep doing what I am doing and I should keep seeing results.
My PA kristen did her hours this morning also. She took me to my appointment, we did grocery shopping, and she helped me clean the house. The hours just fly by when she is there. She also made me scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast.
I rang my public health nurse yesterday as well. i wanted to talk to her about putting in another application for more PA hours. She said shed put in the application for a few extra hours. To be honest I dont think she gets the magnitude of the amount of support I will need. I tried telling her that because my mom is sick now and unavailable or not as available as she was I would need a lot of extra support. She just told me to link in with karen dr. barrys social worker that shed be able to put me in touch with resources.
Right now Im at the basement club doing my volunteering. I am about to start typing Februarys newsletter.
Im having a pretty good day mood wise. I feel productive and it feels good.

This weeks therapy session

therapy this week was hard. at first i couldnt talk. i literally sat there really dissociated. eileen kept telling me it is ok, you can just be here and be whatever way you are no pressure. no matter what we tried, i couldnt get words out. eventually we did some grounding exercises, deep breathing which i hate and am no good at, body awareness etc. eventually i was able to talk. i told her how difficult the break was for us. how we were craving contact, and even though we had some contact it felt like very little. she got it. she really got how difficult this was for us. we talked about some parts being resistant to coming to therapy. and eileen wanted to hear from the resistant parts. she wanted to explore this with us. so we did explore it. i told her some parts wanted to send her an email the other day, giving her an out. they wanted to tell her to quit now while she can, but i stopped them from sending that email. eileen said it was ok, and that if she had gotten an email like that she would have realised that parts were scared and feeling vulnerable. she said she doesnt want an out. she asked me if i was shocked by that, which yes I was. because why wouldnt she want an out? in the past when therapists and other professionals worked with us they were only too happy to have an out given to them. we were too much for them, to needy, to complex, just too much. eileen said she has never wanted an out, that she is in this for the long haul, she wants to walk this journey with us. we talked a little about mom. but i couldnt really let my emotions show. i was shutting them down. i think I was purposefully doing that. i told eileen next week we need to talk more about the break and how that was for us. she agreed that yes we do need to talk about that some more. if i hadnt been feeling so dissociative we could have gotten a lot more done i think. some sessions are just like that though, the dissociation is bad and its hard to work through that.


I just had mentoring. We had a good chat with Colette. We talked about mom and I got to discuss some of my feelings surrounding that. She offered me twice a week support for a while which I gladly took. So starting in February we are going to meet twice a week just to link in and chat about my feelings and how I am coping. She said if I need to vent or Im angry and need a place to let the anger out that i can do it with her. Im so grateful to her for that. We talked about me possibly trying out a new activity, singing on a Tuesday afternoons at the next step, which is a creative arts centre for people with mental illness. They also do yoga which i want to try as well. So next Tuesday Colette is going to walk me over there and I am going to try it out to see if I like it. If I do then I will contact guide dogs so they can show me the route so I can get there independently. The singing will be a good outlet for me and singing is something I love too which is a positive. So yeah mentoring was good today. I feel much better having had it.

A bit of an update on how i’m doing

i managed to sleep last night despite everything going on. i slept for more than what I usually sleep, about 5 hours total. I woke up at around 5 and got up. My PA came this morning and we just did some housework and i went to the grocery store to buy some water and fruit and crackers and nuts. My healthy eating plan is going well. I think I should be down a couple of pounds on Thursday when i get weighed. I hope so anyway. It would be nice if all my hard work payed off. Mom rang me this morning. She said she was up in the middle of the night because she couldnt breathe properly. She sat up and tried to sleep sitting up so that shed be able to breathe better. The hospital rang her and they had scheduled a breathing test for later today. So my sister is taking her. Im at the basement club this morning. I decided I wanted to get out of the house and be with other people. Its better for me if I stay busy and stay distracted. I have mentoring later this afternoon with colette. Im looking forward to it. Eileen rang me last night. We had a phone check in. She told me to stay in the moment, and be gentle with myself. Take good care of myself because if I dont care for myself I wont be able to be there for mom. I know she is right. She said I sounded really angry about moms situation. Angry and wishing I had answers. Thats how I am feeling. I am angry that this happened to mom. She doesnt deserve this.