i am feeling better today. much more at ease. less stressed and not half as triggered. it feels good. i am happy its almost the weekend again. i’ve had a busy week since i came home from Killarney. this morning I had another PA covering for me. my regular PA is out sick. the PA covering was Natasha. i knew her because i’d worked with her once already. but to be honest i hate not having my regular PA. i prefer her. you know because i know her and am more comfortable with her. dont get me wrong, natasha is good and good at her job. her only fault is that she is always late for work. that part i hate. i think when your working you should be on time. i know she has young kids but still. i think work ethic is very important. i’m always early for everything. thats one thing people always say about me is i’m never late. its a good quality to have i think. i went to my nutritionist this morning. and i was up 2 pounds. depressing. but to be expected as i was away. and i ate tons of crap while i was in Killarney. so yeah. I’m on a mission now though to try really hard. exercise every day. lose the weight. i bought some fruit and nuts and healthy crackers and peanut butter and cheeses and things this morning. i’m determined i am not going to have chocolate or crisps or cakes or biscuits in the house. if they arent there then i cant eat them. i’m also determined to drink plenty of water. and cut down on caffine too. i was drinking tons of coffee and tea. and so now i’ve decided to only have one or two cups a day. thats really cutting down for me. so yeah. hopefully all my hard work will get results. the rest of the time today with Natasha we just did housework. and i had lunch. and now i’m at the basement club doing my volunteer work. i’ve been creating a newsletter for the centre. so thats been keeping me busy. Happy to be busy though. i dont plan on going to my parents house this weekend. i just need some me time so am spending it at home. i have a therapy phone check in tonight with eileen. i’m looking forward to that. it will be good to just catch up. i feel sorta disconnected from her and i dont like it.
i’ve requested our therapy notes from two former therapists, Joan, who we saw from March 2007 to October 2011, and Coleen who we saw from August 2003 to September 2005, and we also saw her from November 2011 to April 2013.
I am nervous having done this. Not sure how it will pan out. The email I wrote to them was very general. This is what I said in it.
Hi therapist “insert therapists name”
Its Carol anne here. I hope you are well.
I was wondering, if I could get our therapy notes from you for the time that we worked together?
Id really appreciate copies of them. Do you have typed copies, that you could attach and send to me in an email?
Would appreciate it if you could get back to me on this matter as soon as possible.
So yeah, not sure how I feel. I want to see my notes. I feel it is important that I do.
Has anyone ever gotten notes from a therapist? Are they very detailed?
I’ve been blessed with a caring psychiatrist. And tonight I’m feeling like I don’t deserve her. I feel like she shouldn’t care about me. Every week I going to my appointment and we talk and she never rushes me. She always listens and she is very caring and compassionate and encouraging and supportive. What did I do to deserve her? I don’t know but I’m thankful for her every day. I know not everyone is so lucky and I wish you all had a psychiatrist like my Dr Barry. Just thinking tonight random thoughts. Just thinking about the people on my treatment team and how lucky I am to have them. Without them I would not be where I am now in my recovery. So thank you to my treatment team. You are all the best.
tied with satin ribbons and hair in golden curls
she sat alone, without a smile
her mind in such turmoil
why am i so bad?
her thoughts are in a whirl
her clothes are gone and she’s alone
such a little girl
its not a pretty story
its not a fairytale
its not an actress in a movie, pretending to be real
child pornography, paedophiles and rape
something we dont think about, because it makes us shake
people shake their heads and stammer
and pretend it isnt real
but what about the children that you could help to heal
each drop of rain that falls from the sky
helps to make a river rise
each child that suffers
is one that makes me cry
you think its tough to listen to, you think it hurts to much
think about us the children who had to go through this horrific stuff
lets help to spread awareness of lives that you can change
lets help to save all the children who are in so much unbearable pain.
reality is getting to me. i want a break from it. i think that would be nice. but life must go on. despite how i am feeling. and how i am feeling right now is crappy. triggered, upset and sad. i feel as if i am falling apart. i think being home and back to the reality of triggers and unsettledness has finally sunk in. ga i hate life right now.
I sent eileen this email just now. I want a response, i hope she realises i need a response and she responds to it. she’s normally good at gaging when a response is needed.
My email says:
i got through the weekend. but now i am feeling awful. everything is just getting to me.
there was no contact from abusers though which is good i guess. its progress. yesterday when we got home we decided to not go on our computer we just didnt open it until this afternoon. that was a choice we made to keep us safe.
now i just feel like crying. i am sad. i am feeling like there is this huge weight on my chest. my stomach hurts. i have been having a lot of pain all over my body. its just horrible.
did you get the picture i sent you?
i cant believe we allowed our sister to do our face up for halloween, we would have never allowed her to do that a year or two ago.
maybe there is hope for us after all.
so I created a new group. its an email group. its called bloggers unite. its a group where bloggers can come and chat, make new friends. its a general chat group where you can talk about absolutely anything. if you need help with your blog, here is the place to get it. if you want to meet new bloggers, you can meet them here. please join in with all of the fun!
The group can be found at
You can subscribe there. Posts will come to your inbox.
I hope some bloggers will reblog this for me and lots of bloggers will join and promote their blogs!
We can all network and get to know each other on a more personal level!