we made it through easter. somehow. with a lot of help. thank god for the weekend team and that it was someone i knew who called me. it was michelle on both saturday and sunday. she was sick though so she is taking Monday off so it will be someone else today who calls me. it was great when it was michelle because she would ask who was fronting, she knows of the did, she has worked with us in the past, both on the psych ward as a nurse and in the outpatients clinic when we were under our last psychiatrist. so she was very familiar with our situation. she talked us through options and told us what we should do if it got to a point that we couldnt manage on our own. we’ve been at our parents all weekend. we slept a lot. that is how i know we arent coping is when we sleep a lot. we were isolating a lot too. our sister came with the kids yesterday so that mom and me could give the kids their easter eggs. it was all we could do to have a shower and be social but we did it for the sake of the kids. they only stayed about an hour and once they left we went back to our room…only coming out for dinner. today monday i have to go home to my own house and get ready to go to hospital later in the week. we’ll probably be going in on wednesday or thursday at the latest if no beds are available on the wednesday. mom is going to come over today with us and help us pack our bag and stuff. i keep telling myself there is just monday to get through as far as easter goes but its not just monday, our birthday is on wednesday and we are so scared of that because of the awful memories it brings up. hopefully dr. barry can find us a bed on wednesday and we can be admitted to hospital then. we’ll be seeing dr. barry on wednesday morning first thing. i’m glad about that. my friend asked me to come over today but I had to decline because I have too much to do in order to get ready to go into hospital. she understood though which was nice.
just got off the phone with michelle from the weekend team. i know michelle very well. she used to come into my appointments with me when i was under my previous psychiatrist dr. collins.
we had a good conversation. she made sure i was safe. i told her i was at my moms and would stay there for the rest of the weekend. she asked me if i was suicidal or if i had any thoughts of hurting myself. i told her i’d had thoughts but they had not gotten to a planning stage. and i’m hoping they wont.
we talked about my upcoming admission this week and she said it seemed like a good idea given that this time of year is so difficult for me. she remembered how hard it had been in the past for me, from when she used to work with me.
she encouraged me to ring her back during the day if I needed to. I said I would. she said even if she was out on a home visit that someone else would talk to me. she’s going to ring me back tomorrow morning to check in with me.
when i look around at other adults who are in their 30’s, i dont think i measure up to them. i feel inadequate. most women in their 30’s have a career, or are married, have kids, i dont have any of those things. my mental illness seems to be all consuming. it is the thing i struggle most with. some people ask me, do you struggle being blind? the answer is no. being blind doesnt bother me nearly as much as being mentally ill. there is much more stigma associated with mental illness, and with the particular mental illness i have, did. my did makes me unique, but it also makes me very different to others my age. i watch kids tv shows, because i have child parts. i play with toys, because even though I am almost 37, there are parts of me who are not. we are very childlike in a lot of areas. of course we are though, we have child parts. todays word prompt just made me think about how i measure up to others who are of a similar age to me.
How do you feel you measure up to others your age?
it me darina. i happy. carol anne got us treats for easter. she got us caramel eggs. and a lindor chocolate bunny too. we also got a easter egg from the staff at the basement club. we are spoiled. it cool to get candys. it the only thing i like about easter. everything else is ick. if you guys have no candys i will share mine with you. cuz sharing is caring.
if anyones up for a chat let me know, could use the company.
feeling so damn alone…
want to get out of my head and out of my thoughts.
sitting here not sleeping. feeling lonely. listening to the birds outside my window, wishing i had their freedom.
its 6 AM, maybe I’ll get up and make coffee. beats just sitting here thinking.
Play to win, but be a good loser. Have a plan for your life, but accept whatever comes your way with grace and gratitude.
Jonathan Lockwood Huie