its carol anne. I should be asleep but i’m wide awake. I just cant settle. I think its because of all the emotional upheaval of tonight. I layed down with nitro and tried to drop off. but my head wouldn’t quiet. my thoughts whirled. I kept hearing weird sounds and I kept thinking someone was outside and I got scared so I got back up. now nitros gone to his own bed, sensible pup lol. meanwhile i’m just catching up on blog posts from friends blogs. and drinking tea. i’ll be busy tomorrow. my pa comes in the morning, that is if the weather isn’t too bad. she has a kind of long drive to my house from where she lives, and if the roads are icey she might not be able to make it. i’ll just hope for the best. if she does come I need to clean my house. and go pick up my injection from the pharmacy. I was supposed to get my injection last week but I forgot to place the order for the prescription so I had to wait until this week. i’m also going to the basement club tomorrow after my pa leaves. I have mentoring with Colette. I cant remember what we said we’d do in mentoring I think we were going to make a plan of some sort. I know Colette had asked me to think about ways I wanted to improve my life in 2017. to be honest I didn’t think too much about that. sometimes its hard for me to think about the future. if I think too far ahead I get suicidal. i’ll be going to my parents and staying there tomorrow night because I have the abdominal ultrasound on Wednesday and mom is going with me to that appointment. mom sees her gp on Wednesday and the nurse too about her COPD. i’ll be going with her to her appointments as well. first though i’ll see dr. barry on Wednesday morning. I have to make it to that appointment no matter what happens. the womens group at the basement club are meeting for a meal on Wednesday evening but I doubt I will be able to go. for one thing nitro wont be coming with me to the hospital when I go to get my ultrasound. i’d have stayed at my mom and dads place on Wednesday night as well but my pa comes Thursday morning so I cant do that. so i’m going to have to miss out on the womens group meal this time around.
SO EILEEN JUST CALLED. SHE WAS DRIVING AND WE GOT CUT OFF BUT I CALLED HER BACK AGAIN AND WE WERE ABLE TO TALK. SHE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE. SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO ATTEND DR. BARRY ON WEDNESDAY, AND NOT TO MISS THAT APPOINTMENT. I TOLD HER I FELT ANXIOUS BECAUSE OF THE ABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND WE HAVE TO HAVE ON WEDNESDAY. I WANTED TO PROCESS THAT IN THERAPY. I ALSO TOLD HER I FELT UNSETTLED BECAUSE WE HAVENT HAD THERAPY OR SEEN DR. BARRY IN TWO WEEKS. SHE KEPT TELLING ME TO BREATHE, AND THAT THIS WILL PASS. THAT TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. AND THAT THE FEELINGS WONT LAST. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE A HOT DRINK, LISTEN TO SOME SOOTHEING MUSIC AND READ A CHILDRENS BOOK. SO THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO. UNFORTUNATELY SHE HAS NO OPENINGS LEFT THIS WEEK SO I WONT SEE HER BUT THATS OK I CAN WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK. THE FACT THAT SHE RESPONDED TO ME IS ENOUGH. I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR HER CALMING PRESENCE.
I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PART OF ME THINKS I NEED TO GO BE SEEN AT THE HOSPITAL. BUT THEN THE STRONGER PART OF ME SAYS NO. I DONT WANT TO GET TAKEN INTO HOSPITAL. I DONT THINK IT WOULD REALLY DO ME ANY GOOD. YES IT WOULD KEEP ME SAFE. BUT IN RATIONAL MOMENTS I WANT TO FIGHT THIS. I WANT TO TRY TO MANAGE IT MYSELF. WITH EILEENS HELP. AND DR. BARRYS HELP. I THINK I’M JUST GOING TO HOPE EILEEN RESPONDS. AND THEN ON WEDNESDAY I’M GOING TO TALK TO DR. BARRY ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING. I TRUST DR. BARRY. SHE WILL KNOW WHAT I NEED. I’LL PUT MY FAITH IN HER. HOPING IF EILEEN RESPONDS TONIGHT SHE’LL BE ABLE TO CALM ME DOWN. RIGHT NOW I’M IN FLIGHT OR FIGHT MODE. MY ADRENALINE IS REALLY KICKING IN. I’M FEELING IRRATIONAL, FEARFUL, SAD, ALL AT ONCE. I ALSO FEEL VERY IMPULSIVE. I FEEL YOUNG, YOUNGER THAN 16. I FEEL CHILDLIKE. LIKE A YOUNG PART OF ME HAS TAKEN HOLD. I AM BASICALLY WRITING TO KEEP MY HANDS BUSY. I THINK WHEN I POST THIS I’LL GO MAKE SOME TEA. I DONT HAVE ANY HERBAL TEAS THOUGH. THE THOUGHTS OF ENDING IT ARE SO STRONG JUST NOW. THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME IS NITRO. I WOULDNT I COULDNT DO IT TO HIM. HE DEPENDS ON ME HE NEEDS ME. IT WOULDNT BE FAIR TO KILL MYSELF AND LEAVE HIM NEVER KNOWING WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS MOMMY.
SO I HAVE TEXTED EILEEN. I TOLD HER HOW I WAS FEELING. NOT THE BEST IDEA TO BLURT EVERYTHING OUT IN A TEXT. I THINK SHE’S TEACHING TONIGHT THOUGH. SO IF SHE RESPONDS IT WONT BE FOR AN HOUR OR SO. I HOPE I CAN KEEP MYSELF DISTRACTED UNTIL THEN. RIGHT NOW I’M SWAMPED BY MEMORIES. AND GRIEF. AND SADNESS. AND EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY. I’M STARTING TO REALLY PANICK AND DISSOCIATE. TRYING TO FIGHT IT AND STAY GROUNDED.
SOMEONE SHOOT ME. PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY. BECAUSE MISERY IS WHAT I AM IN RIGHT NOW
I’M SPIRALING. I WISH I WAS DEAD. I REALLY FUCKING WISH I HAD THE GUTS TO END IT. I CANT THINK TOO MUCH OR I WILL DO SOMETHING REALLY IMPULSIVE. I NEED TO TRY TO DISTRACT.
SOMEONE ANYONE TALK TO ME, I FEEL LIKE CRAP.
I wrote Eileen a short email. It just said this.
i am feeling better now, i did what you said, went back to bed and stayed there most of today. i’m feeling really sad that i had to miss our session. i really needed to go to therapy. i feel angry that i had to get sick because i really needed the time with you.i neede the connection so much right now.
i’m very depressed and feeling very emotional. i’m trying to regulate but it isnt easy.
i need a hug. i just need to hear you say it is going to be ok and give me a hug and reassure all of us.
I feel better having written to her. Now she knows I didn’t want to miss therapy. And I’m not avoiding, I was sick. Part of me thinks she may think I am avoiding going. But I sware I’m not.
I didnt go to therapy today. I was feeling terrible this morning when I woke up. So I called Eileen and canceled. I hated having to do it. But she was understanding and she told me to go back to bed and snuggle up which is what I did.
I am feeling very depressed and also disappointed that I couldn’t go to therapy. Now it will be 3 weeks that I haven’t had any. Not good at all.
I didn’t even go to the basement club for the members meeting. The weather was awful icey and cold and so I stayed home. I’m feeling alone and lonely this afternoon. My home help came and she helped me cook dinner, I made an omelette. Other than seeing her I haven’t seen anyone all day.
I just feel not good physically and emotionally I am feeling unstable also