Therapy no show

We never went to therapy this week. Thats very unlike us. Normally we’d have to be really really sick in order not to go to therapy. This week however the reporter insiders really didnt want to go. They were really wound up and did not want to talk about our safety. We got a very bad headache close to therapy time on Monday. So I sent eileen a message saying we werent coming. Then later last night I figured I owed her an explanation. So I called her again and left a garbled message. She called me back a few hours later and we talked. I explained why we never came and she understood. She said its completely understandable that the reporter insiders are scared. She said that I should let them know that everything was going to be ok, that she knows they are scared and she hears them and validates their feelings. I felt a wave of relief flood through me when she said that. I think they really felt heard and listened to. I know they were also scared by what dr. Barry said about wanting to submit that police report last time we saw her. That, coupled with the conversation we’d had around our safety last time with eileen in therapy sent them spiraling. Having Eileens reassurances that she hears them and it is going to be ok that we can slow things down and take our time resonated with them and I think they are feeling much calmer now and will be more ready to face it next week again.

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Some good news about my dad!

He’s ok, his results were all clear! I’m sooo happy!
He does still have the leesion on his rectum but they are going to operate in a couple of weeks to remove it. But at least its not cancerous!
What a relief and a weight lifted from my shoulders.
Thanks to everyone for all the prayers, positive vibes, good thoughts, your all amazing and I appreciate all of you very much.

Book review-Run, mummy, run by cathy glass

i’ve just finished reading run mummy run, it is a novel by cathy glass, one of two novels that she has written.
the book is about a woman named aisha. It starts out with aisha being single, and wanting to find love. So in order to do that she goes to a dating agency. She is apprehensive at first but the lady at the dating agency assures her that she hand picks all the men and reassures her that it is going to be fine, she takes aishas details and a few days later gets back to her saying she’s found a perfect match. His name is Mark.
Mark and aisha go on a date and are immediately taken with each other. They continue to date and eventually they start going out with each other. Mark is charming and aisha is smitten with him. After a year of going out they get married.
After the marriage things are fine for a while. But slowly mark begins to take control and aisha finds herself becoming more and more isolated. They are trying for a baby and eventually after many months aisha becomes pregnant and they have a little girl named sarah. When aisha comes out of hospital after having sarah, on the day she goes home from the hospital, she goes home to find mark there, and she had wanted to surprise him, so she goes into the kitchen with sarah in her arms, and tries to get his attention to tell him they are home. Mark appears cold and distant and ignores her and continues to wash dishes. Eventually he spins around and faces her and with coldness in his eyes and voice he says he knows they’re home. Aisha is crest fallen and wonders whats wrong so tries to ask him. It is only then that he brings up his hand and smashes it into her face. She falls to the ground and just as she is about to hit the ground Mark takes sarah from her arms. He carries on as normal oblivious to what he has just done. After aisha comes around from being unconscious she goes to find mark to try and talk to him. He acts very sorry and cries and begs for forgiveness. Aisha forgives him and puts his outburst down to stress.
And so it goes, the beatings continue and for seven years aisha is beaten almost daily. Mark has complete control. She has no friends. She is cut off from her parents. She is made to sleep downstairs. Mark verbally and physically abuses her. When sarah is 2 years old she has another child named James. Her and the children have a miserable life. They have hardly any clothes or food and have to live by so many rules.
Eventually after putting up with it for so long, aisha tries to go to a munk for help. She tries to get advice from the munk, and he eventually persuades her to bring the children and come to his retreat where she will be safe. He gives her the money for their bus fare and says he’ll have a room ready for them that night. She collects the kids from school, tells them of her plans. Then as they turn into their street she sees marks car, he came home from work early. she cautions the kids to act normal. they go in to the house and mark is really angry. she makes up an excuse that she has been out walking. mark says he wants to show her something. she is very frightened but she follows him and he takes her to the garage where he unwraps a brand new motorbike. he starts telling her about the bike and is really excited and she feels that maybe in realising his lifes ambition of buying himself a motorbike that things have changed and he is turning over a new leaf. she is just about to try to talk to him and see what the best way to go forward now is when he attacks her. he throws her to the ground and begins beating her and trying to kill her. she hears her children shrieking and screaming for her and she somehow summons the strength to throw mark off of her. She rushes into the house and her daughter tells her to run and they all run out of the house and climb into marks car. she drives and is trying to get to the munks house to safety. she goes onto the motorway and is happy to have gotten away finally. but then while they are on the motorway she sees the headlamps of marks motorbike and realises he’s following her. she panicks and the children are terrified in the back of the car. he keeps drawing up beside them and then overtaking. Eventually aisha calculates the speed she’d need to go to finally end it for mark. she judges it and pulls out just as he is overtaking and there is a huge crash.
there is chaos. but eventually she is pulled out. and mark is dead. she has killed him. however she doesnt tell the police that. she gives them a different story. i wont give away the ending but it was a fabulous read. i have to hand it to cathy she can really tell a good story. i really enjoyed the book. there were so many twists and turns in it. if you’ve never read one of cathys novels I highly recommend this one. Usually Cathy writes memoirs about her foster children so this is a totally different direction for her and well worth the read.

trying to be normal when I just really want to die

Its Jasmine. And I am feeling like crap. I feel so suicidal. But I cant be in crisis. I am needed by family. There is nno time for me to be in crisis and be suicidal.
I just have to suck it up and get over it. But I cant. I really really feel like I just want to die. Good thing I am not at home. If I was I’d take all the pills we have. Right now I have no means of killing myself. We are at our parents house.
I am feeling sad, suicidal, and like there is huge pressure on me to just be ok, act normal. And I’m not ok.
Is it selfish of me to say I wish our dad wasnt ill, so I could have my crisis?

night time equals triggers

now that it is bed time i am feeling triggered. i have so much to think about. i was not thinking about much of anything over the weekend. i just tried to erase all thoughts of things like our safety, trigger dates, abusers, from my mind. tomorrow is therapy day. we need to talk some more about safety and issues surrounding that. i dont want too. i just feel like avoiding all that. but somewhere inside of me i know it is important. i know it needs to be talked about. then i have my dad and the worry of that. i want to ask my mom if i can go to the hospital on tuesday with them. i think she’ll probably say no, that i should go to college. but i know i wont be able to concentrate on my college work. i’ll be too worried about his results and what they’ll show. he said tonight he is in pain. that is not a good sign. i tried to ask him about it but he was very vague. its like he wants us to know but at the same time he doesnt want to talk about it. i can honestly say i am finding it very difficult to deal with his illness. and its only the start of it.