To my readers…Do my posts about therapy, and dr. Barry bore you? Or do you enjoy reading them? I am really interested in some feedback. If readers want to continue reading that stuff. I know I said I would only post it to my updates list, but then I thought, I havent asked for feedback or if people find those posts useful and enjoy them and reading about my appointments. So, do you? Please let me know! Its hard for me to know or gage that. Feedback comments on whether you would like to continue reading those sorta posts appreciated!
so i’ve made a decision. Today I am going to join two new groups.
The first group is a singing group. it is run by an organisation called the next step. this organisation runs creative workshops for people with mental illness. they run a lot of different workshops, in art, singing, knitting and crochet, yoga, woodwork, dance, etc. a friend of mine goes to their singing workshop that runs each tuesday afternoon, and so today i thought i’d go along too with her. i love to sing, and maybe it will be fun.
the second group i am going to join is a peer support group. its called the friends group and is run by the organisation shine, that runs the basement club I go to. the friends group is run every tuesday evening from 5:15 until 7:15 pm. today I am taking the leap and joining it. i’ve wanted to join for months now. i’m finally ready today to take that first step and join.
I feel apprehensive, vulnerable, a little scared, but ready. Ready to face the challenges head on. Ready to step out of my comfort zone and hopefully make some new friends and connections.
so those of you following my blog know i go to therapy and that i see dr barry. and you know i write about it on here. well i am changing things from now on. i will be writing about my therapy sessions on my email updates list. if you’d like to be part of that list, send a comment to me here, with your email address so i can send you an invite, it is invite only. basically what it is is a group, where i send updates, through email, to all members on the list. then the group members can hit reply and the replies go directly to me. its just a more private forum. i’d love some of my readers to follow along too and be part of that. the reason i keep it private is so that i can feel free to say things i am unable to say here. and i can look through the list, see whose on it, etc. so if you’d like to read then leave me a comment here with your email address and i’ll send you an invitation. i’ll still keep up this blog but it wont have such detailed info about my therapy or dr barry apts, all of that will be written about on my email updates list.
i feel icky in my tumy
i be skard
it feelin wobbly in ther
i don like it wen its dark oteside
i want eileen! i wish she be here with me
i liked it today when she holded us and put her hand on ar tumy
it felt safe
i wanna feel safe
but i not fellin good rite now
my hart go boom boom
and my belly hurts
and i cry
adelle i four
ITS LIZ. I HAD THERAPY TODAY. I HAD THE ENTIRE SESSION.
WE WORKED ON MY EMOTIONS. I TOLD EILEEN HOW VULNERABLE I HAD FELT AFTER OUR LAST SESSION. HOW I WAS VERY TRIGGERED AFTER GOING INTO SUCH DEEP EMOTIONS AND WORKING WITH THE ANGER. SHE SAID I DID VERY WELL AND SHE UNDERSTOOD HOW I FELT. WHICH IS WHY SHE DIDNT PUSH US WHEN WE DECIDED NOT TO COME IN LAST WEEK.
TODAY I CAME IN AND I WAS FEELING SO RAW. THERE IS THIS LAYER UNDERNEATH THE ANGER. A LAYER OF OTHER FEELINGS, I TOLD EILEEN I FELT UNLOVED, ALONE, ABANDONMENT, REJECTION, UNSUPPORTED, ON MY OWN. I FELT LIKE ISOLATING. WE TALKED ABOUT ALL THAT. I WAS GONNA CRY BUT ENDED UP NOT DOING THAT. I KEPT GIVING EILEEN STANDARD ANSWERS, LIKE, WHEN SHE’D ASK HOW I WAS I’D SAY OK, OR I DONT KNOW, SHE KEPT ASKING ME IF THE STANDARD ANSWERS WERE BECAUSE I WAS SCARED TO OPEN UP TO HER.
EVENTUALLY I DID OPEN UP A LOT THOUGH. SHE CAME OVER AND IT WENT LIKE THIS.
EILEEN: CAN I SIT BY YOU? IS THAT OK?
ME: YEAH, OK.
SHE CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME, PUT ONE ARM AROUND ME.
EILEEN: IS THIS OK? IS IT OK TO HOLD YOU?
ME: UH, YA, YA, I’M OK WITH THAT.
EILEEN: CAN I PUT A HAND ON YOUR TUMMY?
I HAD FELT LIKE THERE WAS A BIG HOLE IN MY STOMACH WHICH WAS FULL OF BLACKNESS.
EILEEN: CAN I HOLD YOU AND PUT ONE HAND ON YOUR TUMMY?
ME: OK, AND SO SHE DID THAT.
IT FELT SO GOOD. I FELT WARM. I FELT COMFORTED. SHE SAID THERE FELT LIKE THERE WAS A LOT OF ACTIVITY IN MY STOMACH. THAT MADE ME LAUGH A LITTLE BIT.
SHE SAT THERE HOLDING ME WITH ONE ARM AND HER OTHER HAND ON MY STOMACH.
EILEEN: BREATHE INTO THAT, JUST BREATHE INTO IT.
ME: TAKING LOTS OF DEEP BREATHS, THIS FEELS SO GOOD. I DONT WANT YOU TO LET GO.
EVENTUALLY AFTER SOME TIME SHE SAID CAN YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR TUMMY AND I’LL PUT MY HAND OVER THEM? SO I DID. IT FELT WEIRD BUT I DID IT.
EILEEN: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GIVE YOUR TUMMY AND THE BLACKNESS ATTENTION?
ME: UM, IT FEELS LIKE A FIRST, I’VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
THERAPY WAS TOUGH TODAY BUT ALSO VERY VERY GOOD AND I GOT SO MUCH OUT OF IT. AT THE END OF THE SESSION I AUTOMATICALLY REACHED OUT AND PUT MY ARM AROUND EILEEN, AND SAID, I’M GONNA HUG YOU. SHE RESPONDED WITH A BIG HUG BACK TO ME.
And you never will. Always remember that, fuckers.