being on the ward: rambles and thoughts

my mom visited me last night. i was glad to see her. she brought me some nice treats. an easter egg, some crisps, cookies, other chocolate, and some drinks. all yummy things which i am in need of since my diet in here consists of cerial, toast, yoghurts, and tea and coffee. and possibly ham sandwiches if they are there at supper time. its a nightmare and the food in here is so disgusting. half the time when you get your meal its almost cold. i’m like nooooo i’m not eating that!
mom stayed for about an hour. she gave me the card from my sister for my birthday. i opened it and my sister had given me 50 euros. i need to text her this morning to say thanks for that, it was kind of her to think of me and give me that much money. now i have enough money between what my mom gave me and what my sister gave me to get an external hard drive for all of my music. yay so happy about that.
after mom left i felt much brighter. and then dr. barry came in and that even lifted my mood more. so it turned into a good night. things on the ward were quiet. no major incidents. i did not take my meds until 11:30. before that I had some tea and I ate some of the biscuits mom had given me. tea is usually served at around 10 PM. one of the nurses usually brings it to my bedside instead of making me go out to where they serve it. so anyway i told rebecca who was my nurse that I’d wait until 11:30 to take my night meds. The later I take them the better, and the more I will sleep. And I did sleep.
I took a while to fall asleep but once I did I slept for around 4 hours without waking which is good for me. I woke at 4 AM and went out to the nurses station. One of the nurses, my favourite nurse, Marie, talked to me for a while and then brought me back to bed. I managed to fall back to sleep for another 2 hours. At 6 AM I got up and went back out to the nurses station. Maureen was writing her reports and said she’d bring me a cup of tea just as soon as she finished. So then I went back into my bedspace and got online. And I stayed online until breakfast time. Maureen did bring the tea and it was lovely.
I ate breakfast this morning. I usually eat breakfast most days, because it is the only meal I really enjoy. This morning I had cerial and toast with marmalade on it. Its saturday so going to be quiet today on the ward. There wont be much going on. No groups unless the student nurses try to do some but there are no OT’S and no nurse therapists on duty today and normally at the weekend its just quiet.
I need to text Eileen to let her know I am in the hospital. I will do that this morning. I’ve kinda been avoiding it. Not sure why. Maybe because I feel she’ll be disappointed with me for going back into the hospital and being unable to cope with the triggers around the ritual dates and my birthday. I know thats highly unlikely but part of me worries that she will.

I wont see mom again until Monday or Tuesday. She doesnt drive and she hasnt got a lot of money to get taxi’s. I understand and am ok with just calling her instead of physically seeing her.
Not sure what I am going to do for the day. Probably a lot of being online catching up on blogs, doing email, maybe watch some tv shows since I have my external hard drives with me.
Hopefully I’ll have a good day. So far I am feeling good so thats positive.


In the grey, what its like to feel suicidal

Watch this very powerful video. I really related to it. I know those of you who are struggling with these kinda thoughts will too.

Goodbye Dr. Barry, see you in two weeks!

We wont see dr. Barry for two weeks now. Sh e went on holiday tonight. She is only gone for a week, but then the following week we’re in respite so we dont get to have an appointment with her then either.

She had said yesterday during ward round that she’d pop in to see us today. Normally she doesnt see any of her patients on Fridays, so the fact that she was doing this for us made us feel really special and cared about.

We waited and waited and there was no sign of her, it got later and later, eventually we kind of gave up on her coming in when it got to 7 pm. Our mom visited and left and we were laying on our bed with our eyes closed reflecting on the day.

And then, at 8 PM she came in to our ward and said, Carol anne? Its me, Dr. Barry, I just came to say goodbye! We almost jumped off the bed with happiness.

I was like you are working so late! She sat on our bed and we talked for a few minutes. She asked me how my day had gone and I told her about the flashbacks I’d been having and how I didnt eat lunch because I felt I was going to throw up. I told her the nurses were on my case about not eating but that I just couldnt. She said that was ok and asked if I ate at supper time, I did, I had a sandwich.

She asked me how I’d slept last night. I told her I did sleep but had woken up twice during the night but I was able to go back to sleep both times.

I told her to have a good holiday, and that I’d miss her next week, I told her I was really nervous about how it was going to go with the junior doctors next week. She told me that Karen the social worker would be there on tuesday, and to try not to anticipate how it will go, just go with the flow of things. So thats what I’m going to try to do.

She made me feel so special and very loved. Thank you Dr. Barry. Thank you for keeping your promise!

Flashbacks are a bitch

ok. i feel like crap. i couldnt eat dinner. i felt too ill. sick from constant flashbacks. its hell. i keep feeling like i’m gonna throw up.

waves of nausea and pain keep coming over me. i am debating whether i should just go ask my nurse amanda for a PRN of haldol. the thing is if i take haldol now, i’ll probably fall asleep and I dont want that because then I’ll be all unsettled for tonight.

my mom is coming to visit me later and i want to be ok for her. if she sees me like this she’ll only get upset. i sware flashbacks are a bitch. they sneak up on you and before you know it they leave you feeling depleted and debilitated.

just feel so sad and so alone. pain is unbearable. i just want an end to it.

not coping

i’m having a terrible morning. i’m being flooded with memories. i want to die. i want it to stop. someone make it stop. i cant take another minute of this.
my head is spinning, my body is aching, my mind is racing.
someone help me please?

Med mix up

so this morning I noticed there were only 4 tablets in the little cup that I get my meds in.

I took them but was like what is going on here! So I said to the nurse amanda, what meds did you give me?

She said she gave me glucophage, lyrica, and keppra, so I was like what about my prozac? I am on 60 mg of prozac!

She said the doctor never wrote you up for it! You didnt get it yesterday either! That says a lot about why I was so down and sleeping a lot yesterday. I didnt have the antidepressant in my system.

She said she’d sort it out before 10 AM this morning. Its weird how you can miss a med for only 2 days and really feel the effects of it. I had a pretty bad effect to missing the prozac. Hopefully she’ll sort it out for me and I can get my dose for this morning.