If you could live to be 100, would you like to?
This is my current anthem. I love it. Pink rocks! I’ve always loved her music.
today is the day I start college. I am nervous. But I also cant wait.
Let the learning begin. I’m ready. Bring it on.
I only got 3 hours of sleep. I woke at 5 AM. The 3 hours I did get were broken. I was tossing and turning. Eventually I decided to get up and shower.
Now I am drinking coffee and going through email. I love early mornings…they are so peaceful. When the world sleeps and I am awake.
I have such a busy tuesday ahead. I’ll be on the go for the entire day.
I hope college is good tonight. Please send good wishes and support. i can do this. I know I can.
I WOKE FROM A DREAM. A DREAM ABOUT EILEEN. IN THE DREAM WE WERE SITTING TOGETHER. I WAS HUGGING HER. I WAS HAPPY. I WAS SAFE. WE WERE FEELING SAFE AND HELD AND CONTAINED. WHY CANT THIS FEELING LAST? I AWOKE AND TEARS DRIPPED DOWN MY CHEEKS. I NEED HER. I NEED EILEEN. I NEED A HUG. I NEED HER TO HOLD ME. I NEED HER ARMS TO HOLD AND COMFORT ME. THIS FEELS SO HARD. IT IS SO DIFFICULT. THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE NEEDS A MOM. A MOM TO HELP HER HOLD HER COMFORT HER AND VALIDATE HER FEELINGS. I NEED CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS CONNECTION. SHE NEEDS HER SAFE PERSON, A SAF BASE. SHE FEELS SO UNLOVED, SHE NEEDS CARE AND LOVE. FROM EILEEN.
so when we were little, like under 2, we lived with our dads family. there was mom, dad and me, my dads mom, his sister and brother all living in the same house. his mom, sister and brother were all alcoholics. my mom was young, she was 17 when she had me. she was young and vulnerable and very scared. she grew up with violence and conflict and stuff but not alcoholism. all of this was new to her. she had a lot to learn. when she would go somewhere where she could not take me along, i was looked after either by my aunt dads sister or his mom. they were always drunk. they could not look after me properly. they were careless and left us in dangerous situations. so many times. we were traumatised. left alone. alone to fend for ourselves. we learned not to cry. we learned to be quiet. so as not to cause arguments or get hurt by drunk people. it was our normal. tonight i am remembering. and it hurts. the pain of remembering is so overwhelming. why did this have to happen? why? a question I’ll never find ansers too.
so i’m making a new email group. its a notification group. where i will post things about therapy, more detailed stuff than I post here.
you wont have to participate in it. its not a discussion group.
its just a group for my friends and blog buddies, a group where i can post detailed updates.
if you want to reply to me you can and it will go directly to me. if not you can just read silently.
so guys. if you want to be part of the list, comment with an email address that you’d like to use to sign up.
i will send an invitation to you once i create the list.
remember its not a discussion list, its only a lis where i can send out updates.
so please let me know if you want to be part of it. if there is enough interest i’ll definitely do it.