not feeling too good

I feel intense fear right now. The suicidal thoughts are back. As my thoughts swirl and spin and my mind races, I try to think clearly but I cant. I hate this feeling and would do almost anything to feel better. I feel like I am a huge burden to everyone. Everything feels wrong and I think I’d be better off dead.

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Weight and college

Happy friday everyone. Thank crunchy its friday. I love the weekend, its my down time, time to relax and chill out. I have singing tonight, although I am not sure what we’ll be doing now that I am no longer performing at the adult summer jam gig. I saw my nutritionist Karen O this morning. I got weighed and was down a pound, considering I had my nieces communion last weekend and ate all around me, and all unhealthy food, it was awesome that I was down this week. I was really pleased about that. My goals for next week are to drink more water and to try to exercise at least four days. I have spent the rest of this morning doing my assignment which is on the internet. I’ve most of it donw now. I have four out of the six questions answered. And there are 3 weeks left before it is due to be handed up. I’ll probably finish it next week and just hand it in early. I still have a website to create and a skills demo exam to do next friday so I’ll still have plenty to keep me busy. 30 minutes until home time, yay.

doctor barry appointment 18th May 2016

saw dr. barry yesterday afternoon. we had a long wait before we got to see her. the clinic was very busy yesterday. eventually when we went in and sat down we were feeling anxious and found it hard to get words out. she noticed and encouraged us by asking some questions. she always knows when we’re struggling, and she is always able to get us to talk. i was so anxious that i even forgot to tell her it was me carol anne speaking to her. it didnt matter though, she already knew it was me. she knows me too well and knows my quirks and stuff. i told her how depressed i felt. i told her iw as finding it hard to cope with eileen being gone. she asked me what i’d done the day of our therapy session, i told her i had reflected on recent work we’d done and read and reread an email eileen had sent me before she went on holiday. basically the email said she had faith in us to get through the week, and that she believed we were all important in the system, that each of us has a role to fulfil and we all matter. it helped to read those words. i told dr. barry that i was finding it hard, and i was thinking it was because both her and eileen were away back to back. there was a week in between where they were both here but having them be away so close together was hard on us. we talked about suicidal urges some insiders had been having. i said it frightened me when i came back one evening last week to find all of our meds spread out on the table ready to be taken. i know one of the insiders in liz’s system was feeling intensely suicidal last week so i am assuming it was her who was making a plan and trying to take an overdose. i said how we hadnt been in hospital for overdosing or suicidal stuff in a long time, dr. barry said she thought it was 2014. i said how i didnt want to go there again. she said how she thought we’d really come a long way since then, grown a lot, changed, and we were able to manage those feelings much better now, we coped much better with them. i agreed. we talked about college, i had told her last time that amy was helping me with some of the work. this week though i am doing the work alone. i didnt go to college on tuesday, i couldnt get out of bed. i just felt too depressed and unmotivated and i didnt want to do anything or talk to anyone. thats the second time that this sorta thing has happened to me in the space of two weeks. i’m not sure but i think it might be another insider influencing me and their mood is filtering through to me. i hate when that happens. alicia was going to talk to dr. barry but then there wasnt enough time. maybe next week she can. dr. barry told us she wouldnt be able to see us on june 8th, because she has to go to court and she will be there all day that day. at least she gave us 3 weeks notice. we also asked her for a copy of the police report she did up, and she said she’s out of the office today thursday but that she’d have her secretary email it to us on friday afternoon. once i get it i will be posting it to the blog, passworded of course. so if anyone who doesnt have the password would like to read it then you can comment here with your email address and i will email it to you. it was a good appointment though. i was exhausted after it. i think it was the fact that i’d been up since 5 AM that morning and I didnt get home until after six in the evening.