Alexas thought of the day

Today’s Quote:
Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you’ll see them all around you.
Jon Bon Jovi


When nursing staff are totally unprofessional

so a few nights ago i over heard one of the nurses talking about me. this particular nurse is one of those people who acts really fake and false, and tries to get as much information about you as possible, in a sorta patronising way.
She had come into me and was asking me about dr barry and about therapy. I told her that Dr barry was on holidays and how much I was missing her. She said “oh, so she isnt allowed to have a holiday” and because I thought she was joking I said no.
She also said “you couldnt stay away from us, why did you come in?” to which I didnt answer her. I figure its none of her business and I didnt feel like giving her any information about my planned admission.
Anyway, she left the room and went across the hall to the desk where another nurse sat. And they started talking about me, thinking I couldnt hear anything. But I heard everything.
They were saying how dr. Barry wasnt doing me any favours in allowing me to be so attached to her. Then the nurse who’d been at my bedside said that in the 10 years she’d known me that I had not changed or gotten any better. And that I’ll never change or get better. I was so upset. I didnt cry but I wanted to.
The thing is after all this she acted like nothing had happened. She went on with the night and giving out meds and bringing me tea and stuff as if she’d never spoken about me in the sorta way she had.
I stewed and fretted and wondered what to do. Should I tell someone? Would they believe me? Would I be made out to be a liar?
Eventually yesterday I told my named nurse natasha. I found her to be warm and friendly and approachable and I felt very comfortable with her so I thouhg it would be safe enough to bring it up with her. I didnt mention names but I just told her twonurses had been talking about me, and I told her what they’d said and how it had occured. She was horrified. She said they were completely out of order. Very unprofessional. I told her I thought about telling dr. Barry but she said she didnt think dr. Barry could do anything about it. Well I dont care, I’m still going to tell her.
so yeah, just feeling kind of fragile after all that.

the afternoon is dragging

i’m restless. i dont know why. i am also anxious. and i am not sure why that is either. i have no reason to feel anxious. i’m getting a break from the flashbacks. i havent had any this morning. i’m trying to figure out the trigger to my anxiety. the ward is so quiet. one of the other patients has the radio on. i am finding that comforting. its nice to listen to music as i work on my laptop. dinner time was hard going. i refused to eat anything. two nurses tried to get me to go down to the dining room. but i refused. i was sleeping and promptly went back to sleep. then about a half hour later one of the male nurses came in and said i had to eat something because i am diabetic. so he got me a yoghurt and a banana and i ate them. i wasnt trying to be difficult by not going to the dining room but i really hate the dinners. the food is always cold and its not nice either. the potatos are stodgy. the meat is not cooked to my liking. the vegetables are hard and not done the way i like them. so why go down if i dont even like the food? sure I could have had a yoghurt or some bread and cheese. but i dont know I was just in a mood and didnt want to eat. natasha came in after lunch and asked me if I’d eaten. i told her yes i ate a yoghurt and a banana and she said ok and left it at that. i rang my mom after lunch but she was just about to have her dinner and so didnt want to talk to me. it made me feel rejected so i promptly hung up on her. i felt sad that they were all eating a nice dinner in moms house and here i was stuck in the hospital with horrible food and no one to talk to. i rang back after about half an hour and we did talk. i felt sorry that i’d reacted so badly like a spoiled brat. so yeah thats where things are at this afternoon. i’m still in my pajamas. didnt even bother to get dressed today. just having a lazy sorta sunday.

Weight, weight loss!

Yes, I’m still trying desperately to lose weight.

I feel as if I am miserably failing at it though. I havent seen my nutritionist Karen in a couple of weeks, due to being in hospital.

Before I went into hospital, I weighed 100.7 KG. Yesterday I had the nurse weigh me and I was 99.2 kg. So I must be doing something right.

I have been trying to eat less junk food and eat more healthily. But in the hospital I havent been good about eating much of anything that constitutes healthy food.

I am hopeful that I can keep going though and that the numbers on the scales will keep going down.

Baby steps, right?

sunday morning

its quiet on the ward this morning. i slept ok i guess but i did wake up a few times. twice i went out to the nurses station. one time the nurse ber made me a cup of tea. the other time i went out to see if they had my inhalers, but again the doctor never wrote me up for them, so now they need to be ordered.
I ate breakfast, of cerial and toast. My blood sugars were good this morning. then at 10:30 when I went to have a cup of tea I ate a yoghurt, and one of the nurses came running after me saying the yoghurt was full of sugar, so obviously when the student nurse who gave it to me got it she forgot to get a diet one.
that is not my fault!
my named nurse today is called natasha. She is really nice. she came to my bed space a little while ago and chatted to me for a while. I really connected with her.
i talked to my mom this morning too on the phone. she went out last night with my sister and aunts. i was jealous that i wasnt there. she said they had a good night.
Natasha just came in to do my care plan with me. The care plan is a plan that the doctors review before the ward round on tuesday. It asks things like what you found difficult this week, what you found easy, what you’d like to achieve next week etc. They read your care plan and then from there they make a plan for you.
i think the rest of today will be uneventful. at least I hope so anyway.

Attachment pain

i feel like crap. everything came to a head a few minutes ago. i’d been having flashbacks all morning. i was shaking violently and feeling nausious, like I was going to be sick. I couldnt even eat dinner I felt that bad.

After lunch I asked for a PRN haldol. The nurses were hesitant about giving it to me. One of them came in and was like did you try everything else? And I was like for fuck sake, well in my head I said it, I wouldnt ask if it wasnt an emergency. Idont take these drugs lightly. I dont even want to be relying on them.

Then a second nurse came in and I told her i was going to ask for one yesterday but then I pushed through and didnt ask in the end. She wanted to know why and I told her honestly it was because I wasnted/needed to be ok for my mom. I told her today just wasnt a good day and I really thought the haldol would help.

No such luck. They finally gave me 5 MG of haldol but it did absolutely nothing. I still feel as bad now as I did when I took it 3 hours ago. In fact I feel even worse.

About an hour ago I went out to the nurses station and asked my named nurse amanda if i could have a chat to her. She told me to wait 5 minutes and she’d be in to me. That never materialised. So then I was left feeling like no one cared. I didnt matter. I was just inconveniencing everyone. It didnt matter how I was feeling, I am bad for wanting attention. I am taking up to much time and space and I need to die.

I lay on my bed in tears. I wanted dr. barry. I wanted her to sit with me, because, she gets it. And she gets me. I wanted her more than anything or anyone. I cried because she wasnt here. I cried because I was hurting. I cried because the flashbacks were so bad. I cried for the little parts who were struggling so much with dr. Barrys absence.

I eventually decided to try to go out to the nurses station again. A student nurse Jenny whose been extremely good to me since I came in asked me if I was ok. I disolved into tears and said no. She came in to my bedspace and talked to me. I told her I wanted dr. Barry. I told her it felt like Amanda didnt care. She reassured me that the nurses all did care about me. That they’d been very busy but that they were here and would talk to me if I needed them. And now that dr. Barry is away for a week, I should trust them and try to reach out to them. I was like I dont know! I still want dr. Barry because she gets it. No one understands the severity of the flashbacks.

She said that she was running a quiz and did I want to join in. First I said no, but then she said I didnt have to participate that I could just sit by her and be present during it so I said I would go. Then I told her that I felt suicidal. She tried to make me promise that I wouldnt hurt myself. I couldnt. I’d be lying if I did. So I didnt.

I guaranteed my safety just until the quiz was over and we could talk again. Then she left me on my bed still feeling like crap. A couple of minutes later amanda came in. We talked a little and she told me I could fight this. I told her she had no idea how difficult it was. She said I needed to challenge my thinking. Yeah, whatever, easier said than done.

I told her I miss dr. Barry a lot already and she hasnt even been gone a day. She didnt get the intensity of the attachment to dr. Barry. But I didnt expect her to. Its just awful. I just miss her so much.

I just want her to reassure me I’m ok. This will pass. Someone understands what its like for me. Someone gets it. I might ask Jenny if she has the perfume dr. Barry wears with her. If she does maybe she will let me spray some on my teddy bear. It would be comforting.

I could really use some support. I’m really struggling today.