so i know why i want to die so badly. i figured out why that is and what is going on with me. its our birthday on tuesday. birthdays are always hard for us. the abuse would always intensify around our birthday. especially the ritual abuse. i am a dark insider, i was involved in the ritual abuse. i was programmed to kill the body. so that is why my urges are so strong, i have been programmed. figuring that out is good because it means i can work on not doing it, going ahead with killing the body. and i am trying very hard. i am at our parents house this weekend. so i am safe. safe from myself, safe from overdosing or doing some other impulsive thing to end it. the next thing i need to do is email our therapist and tell her what is going on. and then try to make it until tuesday and our birthday and get through that safely as well.
Ok. I am feeling like I want to die. I am reading and rereading my therapists email to me that she sent earlier today. I cant reach out to her because its almost 1:30 AM.
So instead I sit here reading and rereading her words to me, trying to connect, replaying her words to me the words she said on the phone earlier this evening, trying to recapture her voice.
This is the email she wrote today…in response to the one where I said I was mad at her.
I got your email late last night and I felt it needed time for me to respond, which I didn’t have then. I do hear that you are having difficult feelings Jasmine, and that you need help, sometimes unfortunately due to time constraints I cannot reply for a while.
I am sorry that you felt unsupported, that is not my intention. I will be working until 6 this afternoon , so could be available to talk at 6.45 perhaps if that would be helpful.
Oh how I wish I could text her or call her right now…these suicidal feelings are crushing me.
after i sent the email to eileen this morning, i spent hours being mad. i sent the email, shut down the computer, didnt bother checking for a response from her. instead i stayed mad and resentful of eileen.
when we got out of our singing lesson this evening there was a text from eileen on our phone. It read:
Hi Jasmine, wondering if you got my email and if your free to talk?
I quickly responded that I was on my way home in a taxi and would call her when i got home. and that is what i did.
she told me she’d replied to todays email and i told her i hadnt checked my emails yet so hadnt seen it. i told her how mad i was at her for not responding to wednesday nights email. she said she’d seen it late thursday evening and she was on the go as she read it so didnt reply right away. she had planned on replying when she had a little time to herself, because she said she needed to think about what she wanted to say, give it some consideration, and give it her full attention.
that made perfect sense. i told her my first reaction was to feel not cared about when she didnt respond. she noted how i’d said in todays email that she was thinking i’d be ok until monday. she said she hadnt been thinking in that way at all, that she knew i needed her and thats why she didnt just email me today, but decided to text me to so that we could talk on the phone.
i told her that i was over my pissy mood now. and i understood. it was just when i was in that angry place, i just said the first thing that came to my mind, you know how it is when your angry, you’ll say anything. she said she got that and understood and not to worry that it was ok.
we talked about my overwhelming emotions and she said on monday she would help me try to make a plan for managing them. she congradulated me for reaching out when it was so hard for me to do that in the first place. after that we just talked about the singing lesson we had tonight, she said maybe i should try to sit in for part of our lesson some time, that my voice is important too and maybe i’d like it just as much as Carol anne. i said i’d try some time.
it was good to be able to touch base with her. i felt heard and validated. i am glad i sent the second email and i am happy with the way she responded to me. i just have to realise that sometimes things happen, and she wont always be able to reply to me there and then, in the moment. sometimes she needs a little bit of time and space to think about her reply. and i need to be a little more patient.
I am mad at you. I needed you to reply to my email that I sent on Wednesday night. I wasnt ok. I know I sent it late Wednesday night. I realise you probably didnt see it until Thursday. But you could have responded then. I know I didnt specifically ask for a response. But I needed one. I havent been feeling safe or ok. I feel a lot of emotion and I dont know how to process it. I need your help and I feel mad that you didnt get that. That you thought maybe I’d be ok until Monday. I am not ok. Monday is too far off. I feel let down. And I am not sure I want to reach out again if its going to be like this. It is a huge risk for me to reach out like I did. I just wish you’d responded yesterday. And thats all.
And now I am left to wonder if she’ll respond to that email. She isnt usually so unatuned. Usually she’d respond. Maybe she was busy but that doesnt help me. I needed her and she wasnt able to be there for me and that hurts.
I went to my nutritionist this morning. I was so sure I was going to be down some weight. I had weighed myself on my own scales a couple of days ago and it registered that I’d lost a few pounds. I know all scales arent the same though. So I got weighed and was only down half a pound. It was so disappointing. She said though that sometimes it doesnt show in the first week. Well I’ve been going to her for months now but have been trying to lose the weight on and off during that time. I had been exercising a lot this week and eating more healthily. I was so sure it would show on the scales. She told me not to feel bad but I couldnt help but feel a little disheartened. I’ve been doing all the right things and still no results. I’ll keep trying though. Hopefully she’s right and next week I’ll have a better result. She told me to try to increase my water intake, and use the lesatan seeds and also to buy probiotics so that I could replace the good bacteria in my gut from when I had that recent bug. I also said I’d talk to dr. Barry because my meds might be preventing me from losing weight. So I’ll ask dr. Barry about that. I also have no gall bladder so that too could be a factor sometimes its harder to lose weight when you dont have your gall bladder. I am determined though so will keep on trying.
For months now my dad has had bowel issues. This morning he had a colonoskopy to find out what is wrong. He was supposed to just go in and come home on the same day. But I’ve just found out they are keeping him in hospital for a couple of days. When they did the colonoskopy they found polyps and they want to do some blood tests and a CT scan. I am very worried. I have been praying his results would not be bad. I’m worried in case the polyps are cancerous. I hope thats not the case. He hates being in hospital and didnt want to stay there. Our moms been with him all day. Hopefully they are just making sure nothing major is wrong with him and he’ll be out in a couple of days and he will be ok again. My dad and us have had some turbulent times but I still love him and dont want him to be sick.
It is a better thing to weigh and measure priorities in the illuminating light of your own mission than to have your activities formed by the impressions and expectations of others.
Mary Anne Radmacher