What is happiness anyway? I dont feel it. I wish I could. I feel so down, depressed, I just need a hug but cant ask. Feeling so desperate right now, wishing someone would take the feelings away.
I got to work with Eileen yesterday again. It was good to be able to talk to her. I thought at first that she didnt want to talk to me because at first she was talking with Carol anne asking her how I was doing and stuff so I thought that meant that she wasnt going to speak directly to me. But she did. We talked about Dr Barry and I told her that I felt upset that she wouldnt talk to me. Eileen said she was probably trying to protect me and look out for me, and that she knew I was struggling and didnt want to overwhelm me so thought it would be best if I just talked with eileen. We talked about my depression and I told Eileen that I felt that I was being pulled down, it felt like a huge weight was pressing on me. Then I told her I was pushing, trying to fight back. She asked me to stand away from the pushing and pulling, she told me to pretend I was standing on a stage, just looking down at myself, but away from the push pull parts of me. So I did that and it felt better. I was able to talk about my feelings and stuff without getting drawn into them. We talked again about parts, and intrajects. She asked me if I knew that I had parts, I told her sometimes yes I do know, but sometimes I get confused as to who is an inside part of me and the people that are outside of me. She said we’d work more on that over the coming weeks. I felt so tired after the session, like it totally drained me. I was glad though that I got to work with her again.
Happy thanksgiving to all of my american blogger friends. I would love to visit america some year around this time. One year I did visit new york close to thanksgiving, but I wasnt actually there on the day itself.
Because its thanksgiving I thought I’d write a little list of all the things I am thankful for.
My guide dog Nitro
Having enough food to eat
Heat and warmth
My mental health team
My therapist and psychiatrist
day 18: Post 30 facts about yourself
1 I have one sister and no brothers.
2 I have been blind since birth.
3 I was born 13 weeks premature.
4 I am a type 2 diabetic.
5 I have had 3 guide dogs in my life.
6 I have one niece and one nephew.
7 I’ve studied social work, childcare and IT.
8 I live in cork, in ireland.
9 I have brown hair now but when I was a kid it was black.
10 My eyes are different colors.
11 I was in stage school for years when I was young.
12 I did two diplomas at once a few years ago.
13 I used to be a youth club leader.
14 I’ve visited england, france, spain and the USA.
15 I’ve been to disneyworld in florida twice.
16 I’ve been to mall of america.
17 I love starbux. Ginger bread lattes and vanilla lattes and caramel mackiatos are my favourite.
18 I am allergic to cats.
19 I have had my ovaries and gall bladder removed.
20 I have been able to touch type since age 9.
21 I was diagnosed with depression at age 17.
22 I had anorexia in my teens but it was changed to bulimia later on.
23 I can speak french.
24 I love collecting things especially ty beanie babies, stickers, and mugs.
25 I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.
26 I am deathly afraid of bees wasps and all bugs actually.
27 I love anything chocolate.
28 I’m very sensitive and have been told I am overly so.
29 I’m afraid of the dark, even though I cant see.
30 I have a huge collection of stuffed animals. My favourite is a winnie the pooh and a rabbit named nibbles.
Yesterday we saw dr barry. Remember Jasmine was suicidal? Well she was going to talk to her. But Dr Barry said she thought that since Jasmine was doing therapy with Eileen at present, that there would be little value right now in her also talking with her. She said that it is better for consistency if Jasmine sticks to doing one thing for now, and maybe in a few weeks when things calm down that she can talk to her then. Jasmine was ok with that although she was a little bit upset as she did want to talk and was building herself up to it. Dr Barry said she was mindful of a conversation we’d had months ago where I’d told her that sometimes I leave our sessions feeling traumatised and overwhelmed and unable to cope, so that is why she was being careful. She said while she knows Jasmine is struggling big time right now, and she appreciates that she is, that her working with Eileen is probably a better option for now, and what we get from our sessions with eileen, and what we get from our sessions with Dr Barry are very different. I dont really agree, but I didnt say so. I think to be honest that Dr Barry is like our second therapist, although I dont think she sees it that way. But we do discuss really deep things with her, intimate datails of abuse, etc. So she asked me how I was doing, she said it was very important that I was ok and coping, since I am the main front person, who manages college day to day, deals with the world on a daily basis. I said I wasnt ok, that Jasmines feelings were filtering through to me and it was very unsettling. She said the best thing for me to do is to accept that Jasmine needs to go through what she’s going through in regards to the suicidal thoughts and urges, she needs to work on them and process her feelings and I need to accept that this is where she’s at for now and it wont always be this way but for now it is. She encouraged me to use my emotion regulation techniques, I told her I was trying but I wasnt getting very far. She said I have a lot of skills at my disposal and that even though I cant seem to use them very much now, that I do have them and tapping into them would be the key. I told her my sleep patterns were off and she asked me if I’d go on sleep meds for 2 weeks, just to try to regulate them again. So I agreed to that and she gave me zimovane 7.5 MG for two weeks. She said that med only stays in your system for 4 hours at a time, so if I took one and then woke up again and wasnt able to go back to sleep that I could take another. I’m not thrilled that I have to take sleep meds but if it helps in the long run I suppose I will do it. She said we’d review again in two weeks to see where things are at. We talked about college and I told her how stressed I am about the module I am doing now, which is excel. I told her I feel like I am doing all the work, fighting for my needs to be met, telling the tutors everything I need, giving them solutions to the ongoing problems etc. I feel I am doing it all on my own without much help and its totally stressing me out. She said that despite everything going on for us right now, we’re relatively stable and she told me thats what she’s been putting in our notes of late, that despite all the ongoing emotional distress we’re relatively stable and she told me I should be very proud of how well I am managing things. She had to get a script from zuliana her junior doctor because she ran out of scripts and when she came back to write out the script she told me that the previous day at the hospital they’d had the sniffer dogs from the customs unit in to sniff for drugs because they are having a problem with drugs on the ward in the hospital. I wish I could have been there to see that. The reason she told me that was because she said the dog reminded her of Nitro. I’m seeing her again next week on wednesday at 4. While I waited for my taxi to go home Mark my OT came along and we chatted for a few minutes. He said he was going to phone me today to see how things were, so he was glad to have caught me just then. My taxi came then so we didnt talk for long but I did get to tell him about how stressed I was and he told me to buzz him on Friday if I needed to. I do feel really supported by my mental health team and I am glad of that.
I just want to die. How come no one understands? I constantly feel like death is the only answer. Its horrible to wake up every day feeling suicidal. I tried to have fun last weekend, and I sorta did, but once I got home the horrible suicidal feelings returned. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. Maybe my life isnt meant to turn around. Our therapist says once I talk about the memories, let them go, that I will feel better. I am beginning to doubt that very much. Now that I have started sharing in therapy the flood gates have opened. Does it get worse before it gets better? Can anyone tell me? I dont think I can do this for much longer. I just want an end to the pain.
day 17: Post about your zodiac sign and whether it fits you
I dont really believe in horroscopes and never really read mine. Very occasionally I will but only if I’m not in a negative frame of mind as I think if your in a bad space or not in a good headspace then it really is not a good idea to read your horroscope.
My zodiac sign is aeries though. My birthday is on April 19th.