30 day blog challenge day two

10 likes and dislikes?


T shirts with sayings on them
Wrapping up in a blanket
Hot chocolate
Caramel mackiatos from starbux


The rain
The cold
Being triggered
Feeling alone or abandoned
Being stressed
When my phone doesnt co-operate

I left the hospital AMA

so i am home from hospital. i left AMA. i couldnt take another second of being in there. basically it was a combo of things. there had been some major incidents as you all know since i’ve gone inpatient. one being that a patient hit me. another being i was offered weed from another patient. and then the final straw came over the weekend. both saturday and sunday nights were horrendous. a patient tried to commit suicide on the ward on saturday night by trying to hang herself in the bathroom using a pair of earphones. obviously she didnt succeed because another patient heard her and rushed for help. of course a doctor was called and she was placed on a section 23 which basically means she was detained until a consultant could deam her safe the next day. that happened, but then she kicked off again on sunday night. screaming and shouting at the nurses. she got into a right state. eventually the nurses grabbed her and told everyone who was in her room to go to our room while they sorted it. they dragged her to her room and held her down and injected her. it was terrible for all of us to witness that. i was so traumatised because it brought back flashbacks of when that happened to us a couple years ago when liz was acting up and got out of hand. and it was also frightening to hear the screams as they pinned her down to inject her. once she was sleeping they got on to the secure unit and some nurses came down to our ward and transported her there. but the whole thing was just so traumatic. i already had so much going on with my own stuff, i really didnt need any of this. it was the last straw and i made up my mind that today I was gonna ask to see my own team and ask to be discharged. i didnt sleep a wink last night. i stayed awake online all night. then my mom visited today and i talked to her and i asked her opinion on what she thought i should do. she said it was up to me. so i decided to talk to my key nurse. and i did. and i told her how i felt. and i asked to see one of my team, but they are in outpatient clinic all day today so nobody was available. the nurse said she’d call the duty doctor and he’d have a word with me. he did, and he deamed me safe enough to leave, but he said he’d like to ring doctor barry to have a chat to her. dr barry understood but said she’d really prefer if i waited till tomorrow and waited to be seen by her but if i really wanted to go then i could. so i did. i dont have an apt to see dr barry yet for next week but she told the duty doctor that they’ll call me with one during the week. i felt such relief when i got out of there. like a huge weight had been lifted from me. it was just so stressful most of the time that I was in there. i know i was safe for some of the time but i should have been able to feel safe all of the time. i didnt. i know dr. barry will understand when i talk to her and tell her my feelings surrounding all of the incidents that occurred. it feel good to be home. nitro was so excited to see me and I was excited to hug him and kiss his soft fur. tomorrow i am going to go to the basement club for the day just so that i have company and am around people. its bad that i dont have a discharge plan and i know thats not ideal but i had to do what i had to do. i just couldnt have faced spending another night in there.

30 day blog challenge day one

Write some basic things about yourself

I am female
I am 35
I have dissociative identity disorder and PTSD
I am blind
I have a guide dog
I live alone
I have brown hair and brown eyes
I am short, 5 foot 1
I love laughing and think I have a great sense of humour
People tell me I am funny
I am from ireland
I love kids, and animals
I love music
I like to collect t shirts with sayings on them
I also like to collect stuffed animals
I’ve been to disneyworld in florida twice and disneyland paris twice
I’ve been to new york and chicago
I like to travel

Thank you, dr. Barry

Dear Dr. Barry, thank you

We want to thank you for so many things. There is so much we are so grateful for. Here is a sample of just a few things that stand out to us about you and what an incredible doctor you truly are.

Thank you for accepting our did diagnosis without question, it means so much to us. So many in the past have been so hurtful and refused to even work with us. I can honestly say the past 2 and a half years have been the best relationship Ive ever had with a psychiatrist. Thats all down to you and the rapport you worked so hard with us to build up.

Thank you for never rushing us. Every week, you give us your time, you dont rush us out the door. You always without fail ask us at the end of every session if there is anything else wed like to talk about with you before we finish up. That means so much to us. We feel heard and listened to and validated.

Thank you for being so understanding and easy to talk to. You make the hard things easy to talk about because you know just what questions to ask, you know when to gently push us for more info and when to stop and say no, enough is enough. You are amazing the way you just seem to be able to get things when we dont have the words to tell you.

Thank you for being real and allowing your emotions to show. That really means so much to us. It allows us to form a deeper connection with you. Knowing little snippets of your life is helpful. I know some professionals think that they should never tell their clients anything but it really is helpful to know that you have a life outside of being a doctor, you are a parent etc. It makes us feel closer to you in some way.

Thank you for always being honest with us. We love that about you. Also thank you for challenging us sometimes. I hope we have been as honest with you as youve been with us. We really do try to be. Its easy to open up to you. You have a genuine and compassionate way about you that is so easy to warm to.

In summary, thank you for being you. We still want you to adopt us some day, even though we do realise you cant do that, we can wish though right? You are such an incredible person and we are glad that youve come into our lives. Your kids are lucky to have such an amazing, kind, caring and compassionate gentle and genuine mother. We are lucky to have you as our consultant. Thank you for everything.


Carol anne and all of us

An awesome interaction and connection

so its 2:30 am. i am wide awake. tonight was very traumatic on the ward. a girl had to have an injection and be sedated which wasnt pleasant to hear or for the other patients to have to look at. i was feeling suicidal and weak and cried all night. in fact most of the day i’ve been upset and crying. it hasnt been the best of days. i did have a visitor, my pa came and that was nice. but anyway. the reason i am writing this is that this nurse, M, she is amazing. she is the nicest nurse in this hospital. she knows eileen and they’ve worked together in the past. she has been here for as long as i’ve been coming as an inpatient. thats about 10 years now. anyway tonight i was very upset and couldnt sleep. so i went out and we started talking. about did. she asked lots of questions. this nurse would know a lot of our insiders. they trust her and arent afraid to come out around her. anyway she asked me if i had any writings explaining about did and what it is. i told her yes i have a do’s and donts list relating to dissociation. so she asked me to grab it and she’d print it out. so i did. then i also grabbed another piece of writing i had which i’d written for mental health professionals. she printed that too and said she’d read both of them tonight. and that she’d ask the other staff who are on duty to read them too. she brought me behind the nurses desk and sat me down and we talked for a very long time about all sorts of things. like family, home life, did, things about did like what caused my did, switching, college, managing at home, just all sorta things. and i felt such a huge connection to her. the other staff went to the other side of the ward to give us some privacy which was nice. when we’d finished and i was going back to bed she said she’d make me a cup of tea. and she gave me a huge hug. and she said goodnight my pets, meaning all of us were pets. lol that was cute. the tea is nice and is making me feel warm and i am not feeling too bad now. the flashbacks have ceased a little bit for now thank god.

Hurting because of my sister

since i went into hospital my sister hasnt made any effort to contact me. she hasnt called. she hasnt texted. and it hurts. i thought she cared. i said it to mom and mom said she’s been asking about me through her but that she hates when i am in the hospital. thats ok but fucking hell ask me? i’m human. i hurt and my heart is hurting. i just want my sister to actually give a damn. i called her this morning, just to chat. she didnt answer. i know she’s seen my missed call because mom said she called her too and she called mom back. but not me. obviously i’m not important to her. it feels so fucking rejecting. my own sister, my own flesh and blood. i’ve done so much lately to improve our relationship and all for what? if she cant even be bothered to call me back when i reach out then fine. i am done. i wont try again.

A little mindfulness

My friend Doris from twitter shared these wonderful mindfulness exercises with me. I thought I’d share her wonderful insight with the world too. If you’d like to follow doris her username is @dorisdeals

1. “Leave no trace.”

The idea is to leave the room in the way that you exactly left it. Like tidy up after yourself as soon as you can. A tidy room is a tidy mind. It is not about obsessive cleaning, more like taking your cup or plate back to the kitchen to be cleaned as soon as you finished eating drinking.

Doris says she finds it quite hard to do especially as some younger parts are quite messy. So shes chosen 3 that she always does.

1 – always put my keys in the same place as soon as I enter the house (that’s being mindful of arriving home)

2 – always take my shoes off as soon as I arrive home and put them neatly in the hallway before I go into the rest of the house (it’s being mindful arriving home too)

3 – put my pyjamas under my pillow so they are tidied away and ready for the night time. (Last night is then in the past and tonight is then in the future.) (It’s also easier to find them!)

2. Washing up mindfully

Taking time to wash up, and only wash up rather than rushing onto the next thing.

Feel the water, notice the soap suds, notice the clattering of the plates, squeaking of the sponge against the plates.

The idea is that you’re doing something in the present. By only focusing on the washing up you’re not worrying about the past or dashing off to do something in the future. By only focusing on the washing up, you’re giving your mind a rest from thinking about the past or what’s next.