she loves me even tho she isnt my mom

its allie. i am so happy right now. i got to spend some time in therapy yesterday with eileen. i gave her a card that we had for her for st. patricks day. and she loved it. she said it was amazing and thanked me for it. then we were talking about our relationship. and how i was so sad that she wasnt my mom. and that i had to share her with her kids. and i hate that. and she said its really difficult for you to know i am there for you and with you, even though i am not. that even though i am not there physically, i am there in spirit. i said yes it was. so we talked about it for a while. and she said you know the room we made inside? the room with me in it? i was like yeah? i go there sometimes. she said maybe you could go there more often. maybe you could go visit me in there when you find it hard to find me out here. and she said you can keep emailing me. and even tho i dont respond to the emails, i always read them. know that i think of you always when i read them. your on my mind a lot even tho you are not here or i am not physically with you. i still love and care about you. it felt so good when she said that. it was just nice and i felt all warm and fuzzy. we talked about me being a watcher. eileen said i did not need to do that job any more, that it was up to the adults in the system to take responsibility for the kids. and she would help them to do that. i’m glad about that. being a watcher its hard. and i want to be able to be a kid. i want to do kid stuff. i want to have fun. i love eileen so much. she is an awesome therapist.

allie

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THE PIT

THIS IS LIZ. THERAPY WAS HARD FOR ME TODAY. I FELT SO DEPRESSED. I TOLD EILEEN IT FELT LIKE I WAS IN A PIT. SUFFOCATING. DROWNING. INA PIT COVERED WITH BLACK STICKY TAR. AND I WAS SINKING IN IT.
LETS ME GIVE YOU MY HAND, SHE SAID, I AM WITH YOU HELPING YOU GET OUT OF THE PIT.
LET ME GO DOWN A LADDER INTO THE PIT, PUT A ROPE AROUND BOTH OUR WASTES, AND PULL YOU UP OUT OF IT.
I AM HERE, I WILL HELP YOU, YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN.
I HELD TIGHT TO EILEENS HAND. HELP ME, EILEEN, I SAID IN A SMALL VOICE. I DONT LIKE THIS DARK PLACE.
LETS CLIMB OUT AND THEN WE CAN SIT AT THE SIDE OF THE PIT TOGETHER, SHE SAID.
SO WE DID. WE SAT WITH OUR LEGS DANGLING. AND WE TALKED BUT I KEPT GETTING OVERWHELMED.
I THINK WE NEED TO COVER THE PIT FOR NOW, SHE SAID SOFTLY. WHAT CAN WE USE TO COVER IT, HOW BIG OF A COVER DO YOU NEED?
A COER THE SIZE OF YOUR OFFICE! I SAID QUICKLY.
SO TOGETHER, WE COVERED IT OVER.
NOW WE WILL ONLY GO THERE INTO THE PIT TOGETHER. DONT GO IN THERE ALONE. WE WILL WORK ON THESE BIG FEELINGS TOGETHER.
I TOLD HER IT FELT LIKE I COULDNT COPE WITH ALL THE FEELINGS, THEY FELT SO OVERWHELMING TO ME. ITS LIKE YOUR IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE. IT IS EITHER ALL THE FIGHT IS GONE OUT OF YOU, OR YOUR IN FLIGHT MODE WHERE YOU JUST NEED TO SELF HARM.
YES, I SAID, BECAUSE SELF HARMING FEELS LIKE A RELEASE TO ME.
I GET THAT, SHE SAID. IT SEEMS LIKE ITS AN OPTION FOR YOU RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY WAY IN WHICH YOU CAN COPE. BUT ITS NOT THE ONLY WAY AND IT WOULD BE BETTER IF WE TALKED THINGS THROUGH.
I TENTATIVELY AGREED. OK, I’LL TRY. I’M NOT PROMISING ANYTHING, BUT I’LL TRY.
AS LONG AS YOU HELP ME, I THINK I’LL BE OK.

Journal prompt for March 20th

“To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human can fight; and never stop fighting”

I agree with this. Its hard to be myself. I feel I am constantly fighting a battle. Both in my head and outside here in the world. I fight inner demons. I fight for control of my body. I fight to stay present in my body. I fight to try to have a unified front for my family so they dont get too freaked out. Sometimes it works, other times not so much. I wish I could just accept me for me and just be myself no fighting battles. It sure would make life a lot easier.

Book review-Nobodys son, by Cathy Glass

so i just finished cathy glass’s new book called nobodys son. what a fabulous read. i was very moved and i would highly recommend this book to people.

this book tells alex’s story. alex was 7 when he came to live with cathy. he had been born to a drug dependent mother, and had been born in prison. taken into care at 18 months, he had been moved around a lot, had numerous carers. when he first came to cathy he was coming temporarily, as he was due to move to his adoptive family soon so he was only going to be with cathy for a few weeks.

a suitable adoptive family had been found for him. they were a very well to do family, had one son, a year older than alex. they were successful business people, and it was felt they would give alex lots of opportunities, for instance, to learn a musical instrament, go bike riding and horse riding. the initial introductions went well. and 2 weeks after being introduced to his family alex moved in with them.

however the placement broke down within days. the adoptive parents felt they’d made a huge mistake. they felt that james their son would be happier as an only child, they felt they shouldnt have adopted. so alex was taken back into care and moved back to cathy.

it was felt that a long term foster family was what he needed now, and so the family finders went about trying to find one. eventually they did find a family. however before that alex had a lot of angry outbursts, and had a lot of acting out behaviours, like running away, he also had bedwetting. it was all due to the trauma of the failed adoption.

eventually a new family was found. and alex was introduced to them. he moved in with them and flourished. for six years he thrived. with love and patience and firm boundaries he settled in well and was doing really well. then when he was 13 he started to rebel.

he was drinking and taking drugs, smoking, truanting, and having severe anger outbursts. his parents who were fostering him long term had adopted him a couple years previously. they were trying to come to terms with the problems he was having. they were really struggling to cope and almost gave up on him. however they did not give up. they kept loving him despite all the difficulties, and eventually he turned a corner. the book ends on a happy note. however it really does put the whole adoption process and matching process for adopting into question. the first adoption failed because the couple werent properly vetted, and the fact that they were not suitable wasnt picked up. i think all foster parents, adoptive parents, carers, social workers should read this book. cathy has done a great job of telling alex’s story. parts of the book moved me to tears. i hope you read this book. it is available on audible, in paperback and on kindle. its a page turner and once you start reading it you wont be able to put it down.

Happy sunday everyone

i’m having a good morning. i’ve been reading. i’m almost done with the new cathy glass book nobodys son. well i have about 8 chapters left. i’ll probably be done by tomorrow then i can review it. its a great read. i didnt sleep well last night. it was about 4 AM by the time I went to sleep. then i kept waking up. i tossed and turned for the remainder of the night. finally i got up when mom called me because she’d made toast. that was around 9:30. I took a nice hot bath which felt really good. My friend Norma rang about 10 and asked if I wanted to come over later on today. So I said yes. So thats what I’m doing for the afternoon. It will be nice to catch up with her. We have a lot in common she is blind like me and has mental health difficulties. I was going to go home to my own house when I was done in Normas but then I decided to come back to mom and dads until tomorrow. My home help thats covering is on holiday this week. So I dont have anyone. Thats ok, I can manage, its only a few days. Normally my home help helps me cook dinner. Thats what I have her for is to help me with my meal prep. tomorrow is therapy day. I’m a little apprehensive. Last week we processed a memory. And that was good. I suppose I’m just apprehensive because I dont know where we’ll go this week. I havent anything planned to bring up. I’m just going to wait and see what happens.