I have been diagnosed with did for years now. Still it really never gets any easier. Sure I can deal with it. Sure I know more than I knew when I was originally diagnosed. But still it can be so hard on some days to live with this condition.
Let me explain. I was unofficially diagnosed in 2001. My then psychiatrist said I might have what was then known as MPD. I freaked out. Yes I knew we were all inside, I knew I heard voices, I knew we had names, but I did not know did was a real condition that existed out there. I did not know anyone like me. But after the diagnosis, I found plenty of people online who experienced what I did. Who were just like me.
it was a relief! I was no longer alone. I no longer questioned my sanity. I had a name for what was wrong. I was multiple.
Years later in December 2010 I was officially diagnosed. It was put on paper finally. I had tests to diagnose did. I went through an assessment and some interviews and spoke about my did system and my memories and after hearing all of this the experts diagnosed me as a classic case of did.
Now I am in therapy weekly. I see my psychiatrist weekly. I take meds. I am coping. But still? Still the did is difficult to deal with because so many people dont know. I cant tell them. They would run or freak out or worse still not accept it or me. It is a lonely existence. I am lucky I have a select few I trust and they know everything and are ok with things just how they are. They accept me for me did and all.
If you know someone with did be kind. Be supportive. Be accepting. It might take time but if you stick with it and keep being supportive and non judgemental eventually the did person will grow to trust you and will be able to more fully open up and tell you what is going on. Most importantly be patient. Did is not easy to live with we are used to hiding it from everyone and even sometimes from our own selves.
i really really wish halloween was over. this time of year just triggers us so much. the constant talk of halloween, hearing about costumes, carving pumkins, going trick or treating, it all is just too much for us!
being a ritual abuse survivor sucks. i cant even talk about it to most people. its beyond most peoples comprehention. they have never heard of it, let alone experienced it. it blows their minds.
everywheere i turn this week there are triggers. small innocent remarks, going to stores, talking to people, hell just breathing is a trigger!
i’ll be real glad when its all over and done with.
We covered a lot in therapy today. Alicia is the one who was out for the first part of our session. For those who dont know, Alicia is 9 years old. I had been feeling irritated and somewhat distracted before I left to go to therapy. So it was really no surprise that she was able to push past me and go out front. She talked to Eileen about the time of the year, and how much she hated it. Eileen asked her if there was anything that she did when flashbacks hit, to bring herself back to the heere and now. She mentioned to Eileen how that sometimes she blows air on her hands, and the cool air brings her back. Eileen said how this was a very good idea. Then she asked her if anyone inside could comfort her when she was feeling bad or not ok. Alicia said that I had told her to come to me when she isnt doing well. But that she is afraid to ask for things, she thinks she isnt worthy of them. She is afraid to ask for what she needs now because it was scary to do that in the past. Eileen asked her to try so she did. She asked me to come sit by her and hold her hand. I did and it made her feel safe. Then she talked with Eileen a little bit about lighter things. About movies and about what she likes to do for fun. She told Eileen she loves bengal tigers. Eileen asked if she’d seen the life of pie, and suggested she may like to watch that at some point. After a few minutes of lighter conversation Eileen asked her if it would be ok if she talked to me. And Alicia agreed. So I came out. The switch was a smooth switch. I started off talking to Eileen about the appointment I’d had yesterday with that awful psychiatrist. I did not realise I was so angry about it but when I started talking it became clear that I was. We discussed it for a while and once I’d gotten it all out of my system we were able to move on to other things. I told Eileen that there was a part that was playing out certain senarios at night. For example this part lies in bed and tries to come up with everything that might happen to us in our home. So they think for example, what if someone breaks in, what if the house goes on fire, what if the doors arent locked, all sorta things like that. Eileen asked me how this part is trying to help. I said I thought they were trying to help by always being ready and always being super hypervigilent about everything. She asked me then if I felt safe just at this moment. I said yes, I did, because I knew if anything happened she’d deal with it. She asked me how old I felt. I said I felt 19 right now, but sometimes I feel about 7 or 8 and most of the time I dont feel my age at all. I told her how when Karen whose dr Barrys team leader called this morning I felt argumentative on the phone, I was having attitude with her, and I just did not feel like an adult at all. We got on then to talking about how resourceful I am. I said I just dont feel it even though you keep saying it. I told her how part of me desperately wants to be cared for. She said she realised that. But that she doesnt see herself as my carer and she doesnt see me as needing protection or looking after. That she sees us as equals and that just because she is my therapist that it doesnt mean I cant cope and am unable to look out for myself. She said its a case of we’ll work together in conjunction with each other to see what I might need but that I am in charge of my own life and she knows that and wants to show me that in fact I can cope and I can do things and I am really resourceful. When she first said it parts insiders were feeling edgy, like it hit hard for them. But when we talked about it more and she was able to clarify that she does care, and she knows how attached to her we are, she knows we struggle with attachment and what is a healthy level of attachment, it became easier. I told her that I thought she really has no idea how much I look forward to therapy each week, how much my therapy appointments mean to me. She said actually she does. That she is very aware that in the past other therapists have treated me as a victim, not as a survivor. That they havent treated me as an equal in the work we did together. I had to agree. Then I told Eileen that what she’d said at the end of last thursdays session, about how much she hated that I was alone and at rist and not safe, how that had really impacted me. I told her I felt it was a very honest portrayal of her feelings towards me. It was real. She said in the moment what she was feeling and I appreciated that very much. Time was almost up then. I told her I had a lot to reflect on this week which is nice. I like being able to reflect on our sessions.
I’d love to get more followers. Reach more viewers, with this little blog. I am not the best at doing things to gain followers though.
If anyone would like to reblog this post for me, so that I may reach more people that would be awesome. I’d really appreciate it.
A little background, just in case anyone new is reading…
I am Carol anne from ireland. I have did dissociative identity disorder and ptsd. I blog about my therapy process, my psychiatrist appointments, and many other random bits and pieces about daily life.
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Or please reblog this so that more people will see it.
So I know I mentioned here that Dr Barry was on holidays this week. And I was supposed to be seeing her junior doctor, xuliana. So today was the day I was meant to be seeing her. So I left my house at 3 PM and got there for about 10 past. Sat down and waited. Five minutes passed and a male doctor came and called me. I asked him where Xuliana was, because I was meant to be seeing her. He said there was a crisis and she was caught up in something and couldnt see me. So then I had to see him. We went into dr Barrys office and he told me he was Dr Walsh, and he was a consultant and was standing in for Dr Barry this week. Then he started asking me about my blindness. How long was I blind? Did I have any sight at all? Yada yada you know how it goes. After I told him I was premature then he was all like how prematurity can cause blindness. I was like hell are you an eye doctor or a psychiatrist! Then his phone rang and he said he had to take it. I presume it was something to do with the crisis that Xuliana was caught up in. So he goes off out of the room and starts talking on the phone. And I am sitting there going why the hell did I come at all! Finally he comes back and we talk. For all of five minutes. He asked me what my diagnosis was and I told him I had did and ptsd. Then he’s like oh, and how many personalities are there? I didnt want to totally freak him out so I said about 50, but there are way more than that. He was like 50? Thats a lot. And then he was like so how are you, how have things been? So I didnt want to really get into stuff so I just swaid this week was difficult because this month is hard for us and I left it at that. I told him I was seeing Eileen and that I see Dr Barry weekly. He said seeing a psychotherapist was probably a good idea. Then he said there isnt much I can do. I was like no kidding, lol. I wasnt expecting him to do anything. I was going to ask him to refer me to the weekend service but then I decided against it. I’ll be at my mom and dads house for the majority of the weekend anyway so there really is no need. I thought to myself though, thank god I dont have this man as my doctor because I’d go nuts. I know he doesnt really know me and maybe he’d be ok if he did but I dunno he seemed pretty clueless to me. Somehow we got on to how long I’d been diagnosed with did, and so I ended up telling him about my unofficial diagnosis and then how I got my official diagnosis in 2010. He kept asking stupid questions like which persona goes to college. Eventually I said to him that actually he wasnt talking to shirley and that I carol anne was the personality who was most dominant and that I go to the appointments with Dr Barry weekly but that she will talk to anyone who has something to say. Then he was all like oh I see, well Dr Barry knows you well, she’s very clever. I felt like saying yeah dude way cleverer than you are. But I was a good girl and patient and kept my mouth shut. LoL. Eventually he said we had to finish up because he had to deal with the crisis, so off I went. I did ask him to walk me as far as the front desk which he did but he seemed so preoccupied with this crisis, whatever it was. Plus another thing he was doing was texting while I was talking. That fucking irked me and I felt like saying could you stop fucking texting while I am trying to talk? But again I said nothing. He was so inattentive though. I’m just glad its over now but it really was pretty pointless and I feel I wasted my time going. I also wasted my money on taxi’s. I’ll be mentioning all this to Dr Barry next week. I’ll definitely be glad when she’s back.
so in therapy this week we made a safety contract. its not just because of halloween, we made it for our overall general safety. after last weeks session, when we talked about our safety, we had a bit of a reality check. we realised as a system just how much we havent worked on safety. the thought of having to move out of our own home, and live with others, losing our independence really kicked us into high gear about it.
So we worked on it yesterday. We all had a big meeting inside, I chaired it and Eileen helped us facilitate it. It ended up being a really productive meeting. We talked about things like intercepting emails from people from our past, and other things that we could do, such as making sure doors are locked, the house alarm is on, etc. We decided to allow 3 system members to monitor the incoming emails, we’ll all read and make sure that no suspicious emails get through. We made sure the ones reading the emails werent going to be triggered by doing that. We’re also going to set up email rules where certain emails, with certain words in them go directly to our trash folder. We also set up a system where no littles under 13 are allowed to open our front door. We’d never had that rule before, where as we probably should have. Eileen made the point that in a family the adults always open the door, not the kids. So now we’ve put that rule in place it should be easier and better for the whole system. Eileen wrote up all the things we were going to change or do during our session and then she typed it out and sent it to us. We feel much better now that we’ve done this. Maybe now our safety will be less of an issue going forward.
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.