Eileen just sent me this response to my email I sent earlier today to her. I love her so much for knowing exactly what to say to me to make me feel better.  She is such an amazing therapist.
Hi Jasmine
I get that, that deadness. I also get the thoughts of dying. I imagine it must have been like a resignation that this is your lot, and that now you can feel it and express it, there seems to be an urgency to not hold it any longer. You have held it for a life time, so it is a long time in the making, and it will take some time to work through it..otherwise it wouldn’t be real. We will work together with this..and it will lessen. Take the brief periods of calm/happiness that you can…even simply as an experiment..and they will grow.
Take care