trying to be normal when I just really want to die

Its Jasmine. And I am feeling like crap. I feel so suicidal. But I cant be in crisis. I am needed by family. There is nno time for me to be in crisis and be suicidal.
I just have to suck it up and get over it. But I cant. I really really feel like I just want to die. Good thing I am not at home. If I was I’d take all the pills we have. Right now I have no means of killing myself. We are at our parents house.
I am feeling sad, suicidal, and like there is huge pressure on me to just be ok, act normal. And I’m not ok.
Is it selfish of me to say I wish our dad wasnt ill, so I could have my crisis?

night time equals triggers

now that it is bed time i am feeling triggered. i have so much to think about. i was not thinking about much of anything over the weekend. i just tried to erase all thoughts of things like our safety, trigger dates, abusers, from my mind. tomorrow is therapy day. we need to talk some more about safety and issues surrounding that. i dont want too. i just feel like avoiding all that. but somewhere inside of me i know it is important. i know it needs to be talked about. then i have my dad and the worry of that. i want to ask my mom if i can go to the hospital on tuesday with them. i think she’ll probably say no, that i should go to college. but i know i wont be able to concentrate on my college work. i’ll be too worried about his results and what they’ll show. he said tonight he is in pain. that is not a good sign. i tried to ask him about it but he was very vague. its like he wants us to know but at the same time he doesnt want to talk about it. i can honestly say i am finding it very difficult to deal with his illness. and its only the start of it.

Anniversary date

it was the 1st anniversary of my grandads passing today.
as a family we went out and celebrated. It might seem weird that we did that but it is what he would have wanted us to do. We went to his grave and after laying flowers and saying some prayers and paying our respects we went back to a local pub and had some drinks.
Typical irish, celebrate everything with an alcoholic drink.
Its hard to believe he’s been gone for a whole year. When he died, our whole family was by his bedside. It was a hard time but I am glad I got to be there when he passed.
Today was about celebrating his life, and his spirit. He never let his illness get him down, he did it his way. At his funeral we played the song I did it my way, and he sure did that.

unhappy with our weight

its emily. i feel like throwing up. carol anne says i shouldnt. she says we’re losing weight. but its happening way too slowly! i wish it would just come off faster. i want to use laxatives and throw up and restrict. we told karen we’re getting a little bit obsessed with food and what we will and wont eat. she was understanding and told us to just eat if we want to and if we have a party where there will be certain foods that are bad foods then we could just eat a light breakfast that day and then eat normally at the party or even whatever that is. i dont know though. i keep thinking we are going to gain back the weight we’ve lost. if that happened i’d have to kill us. it would make me so sad if it happened. its so hard to lose weight and keep it off.
Emily age 12

Thinking, thinking

i am deep in thought tonight. thinking about my dad. wondering what could be wrong with him. hoping its nothing serious but preparing myself because deep down i think it is serious. i am dreading finding out the results of his tests. i’ll know on tuesday but to be honest i am dreading finding out its cancer. if it is, i am not sure what way i’ll handle it. i think i’ll probably fall apart. i am so scared by cancer. i am scared of losing my dad to it. i am scared its gone to far and he will die. i cant imagine life without my dad in it. i have such a history with my dad, our relationship hasnt always been good. we’ve had our ups and downs. but i love him. and if he dies i would really miss him. i dont want to think it might happen but there really is no choice. i think he’s going to require either surgery and chemo and lots of treatment, because i think he’s let it go too far. he should have gotten checked out months ago but he refused. he wouldnt go to a doctor. i know that was his choice and i shouldnt feel bad because of the choices he made. but i cant help but wonder now if he’d have gone, would it have made a difference? i am feeling sad and heartbroken and my thoughts are just racing. i know if i am feeling like this then my dad must be feeling 10 times worse. i wish we could talk about our feelings as a family. but our family denys everything, they wont openly talk about feelings. if only things were different?