mom, why dont you see me? why do you pretend i dont exist? why? dont you know it hurts me. why do you intentionally stomp all over my feelings and hurt me? i cant forgive you for that. i want a mom who recognises that i have parts. who recognises me as a part of a did system. you dont. you call me a mood. you act like my behaviour is weird or to gain attention, it isnt. how many times do you need to be told i have did? when will it sink in? i’m sad and feeling alone. you are my mom but you never act like it in my eyes. a mom is emotionally present for her child. she shows love, and gives comfort, you dont do any of those things for me. i have given up praying that some day, you will, i am resigned to the fact that i will never have the mom I long for. I will always yearn for a mother who recognises me for me, but I will never get that.
ITS CORA AND I FEEL VERY SUICIDAL. I CANT HELP IT. I JUST FEEL AWFUL. LIKE A HUGE WEIGHT IS PRESSING DOWN ON ME. I DIDNT EVEN ENJOY ANY OF OUR WEEKEND AWAY, BECAUSE I JUST FELT SO LOW FOR THE WHOLE TIME. I’VE BEEN HAVING AWFUL MEMORIES. THEY’RE REALLY GRAPHIC AND I HATE THEM. I HATE RELIVING AND REMEMBERING. I REALLY JUST WANT TO END IT, AND I WOULD, BUT I DONT HAVE THE MEANS. PROBABLY A GOOD THING THAT I DONT. I FEEL SO ALONE. SO LOW AND LONELY. I FEEL LIKE I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO FEELS LIKE THIS, BUT I KNOW THATS NOT TRUE. I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL LIKE I DO. IF YOUR OUT THERE PLEASE COMMENT. I HATE THIS BLACKNESS, IT THREATENS TO SWALLOW ME UP. I WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE CAROL ANNE. I WANT TO ENJOY THINGS LIKE SHE DOES. I WANT TO LIVE LIFE, BUT I CANT, I CANT BECAUSE OF THE MEMORIES. I’M STUCK. STUCK IN THE PAST. AND I HATE IT SO MUCH.
Nothings better than being curled up in your jammies after a nice long hot bath. Thats heaven to me. And thats what I am doing now, relaxing in my jammies for the evening.
I am exhausted, and I am hoping for a good nights sleep tonight. I think I’ll do a guided imagery exercise to relax my mind in a little while. Or maybe I’ll wait until bedtime to do it.
Its nice to have some “me” time. Time where I can allow myself to just breathe, and relax, its so healing.
so i’m back home. the trip home was uneventful. the hostess on the train kept asking me if i was ok and reassuring me she rang cork to tell them i was on the train and needed assistance when we got there. i was grateful to her for that.
i was bored on the journey home. i went on facebook for a while and rad for a while but I was still bored. Nitro was really good. He lay down and only got up once or twice to look around him.
The taxi to the train station was very expensive. 36 euros to be exact. Thats 8 euro more than it was on Friday to go from the train station to my friends house. Sunday fares are higher than week day fares but still. I was only expecting it to be 30 euro max.
I came back to my parents house and will be here until tomorrow. Mom had my dinner ready for me when I got here. I felt all pampered and spoiled getting it served up to me. Nitro is wrecked now, he’s laying down and hasnt moved since I fed and watered him.
Well my trip is over. I am heading home today. It was a nice trip I really enjoyed myself. The dogs had a great time with one another. They went to little bit crazy but that’s okay. I enjoyed spending time with my friend. Hope to do it again soon. It was nice to get away for the weekend :-). I’m glad I went.
Just remember, strength and courage. If you stand on principle, you’ll never lose.
I’ve been thinking. I always thought I was a lesbian and only had feelings for women. But now I realise thats not totally true. And I think I may actually be BI. I like men a little, not as much as I like women but I do like them and have been with one man sexually a couple times in the past. In fact it is the friend I am visiting this weekend. No we havent been sexual. And we arent going to be. But I do like him and I think I like him in more than just a friend sorta way.
Does that make me bad? I mean I have a partner. But things havent been ok for us for a while. For one thing she is liveing in the USA. Long distance relationships are hard at the best of times. Add in to the mix that she is in in a residential psych unit and I dont talk to her often. And when we do talk I am always the one asking her how she is and I seem to be the one who worries about her etc. She rarely asks me anything about my life now or how I am or anything. Everything during our conversations centres around her.
My needs arent being met at all in the relationship. And it makes me sad because I really do love her. And I only want the best for her.
But all this has just made me think of my sexuality and how nowadays even though I am in a relationship it isnt really working out. And I dont knwow what to do.
Any advice appreciated.