The only way that we can live is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.
C. JoyBell C.
this is just a quick note to say…
My contact email address is changing.
from now on if you wish to contact me privately please email me here
so please update your contact info for me
so i’m having a pretty relaxed saturday, hope all of you are, too!
all i did today was go for that walk with my mom that i mentioned in an earlier post. it was nice and i enjoyed it but i had pain in my lower back so i couldnt go very far. i think we walked for like 15 minutes before I asked her to turn back towards home. I was sad that I couldnt walk further but I am not skinny and I was in pain and so 15 minutes was all I could do. Its better than nothing I guess.
Other than that I literally did nothing today. I just caught up on blogs, checked email, and I’m about to have dinner and then read for a while. I’ve to finish my audiobook betrayed, and I want to start something on my kindle as well.
mom helped me make a grocery list, and I am determined that this week I will literally stick to my list, and not buy anything else. Most weeks I am adding to my list and then I wonder why my shopping costs so much!
I wish my sister had come over with the kids. The house is so quiet without them. They are always so entertaining.
Well thats it for now, off to have my fish and chips for dinner! Yum yum!
so i know i’ve been pretty quiet since thursday. thats because i spent much of yesterday sleeping. i just felt exhausted and was able to catch up on sleep so i took the opportunity to do that. and today i feel much better because of it.
thursday afternoon i went to the basement club and did my volunteer work. i spent the first hour doing the sign in sheets, thats data entry. i spent the second hour doing something new. the staff asked me if i’d like to do a monthly newsletter for the members, encorporating everything that is going on in the basement club each month. of course i jumped at the chance. so i started gathering info for it on thursday afternoon while I was volunteering. i will submit novembers newsletter next week. i’m excited about it!
i also put my name forward to be on the interviewing panel, the basement club is getting a new staff member part time, and the interviews are soon and denise our co-ordinator asked members to put their names forward if they’d like to be on the panel, she will pick one member and that member will get to interview prospective staff with herself and the manager of shine. i’d love to get chosen, it would be a great experience to be an interviewer. i think its great that they are allowing a member to be on the panel, members are looking for different qualities in staff than the co-ordinator or manager of shine.
i’ve been at my parents house since thursday. i was gonna wait until friday but since i wasnt feeling good on thursday i decided to go that day. when i’m not feeling safe in myself its better that i am around other people. my sister is sick with a sinus infection. she is still working away though. she recently started a new job as a health care assistant. she is only working part time. she works with an elderly man in his home 6 days a week. she likes it a lot.
while i was researching things for the november newsletter i started reading up on the conference which will be on in UCC which I am going to that is taking place in november, the critical voices in mental health conference. there are great speakers going to be speaking at it. there is people speaking on trauma, dissociation, depression, a panel discussing mental illness and treatment options, workshops, its going to be awesome. i’m really looking forward to going. its a 2 day conference.
what else. well my dad went to see his consultant on tuesday. his consultant that he sees for his bowel issues. he asked if he’d be doing the operation to remove the leesion on his bowel. the consultant said he wants to do another colonoskopy to see if the growth has gotten bigger/smaller etc. so now he has to wait for a letter to say when he will go in for that. he’s having trouble with his eyes now again also. he had cateracts removed a few years ago in his left eye and now his right eye is giving him trouble. he’s also having trouble with his ears, over the summer he had shingles and he thinks the virus hasnt gone away yet. he said this morning he’d go to the doctor next week. its so hard to get him to admit that there is a problem and go seek medical help for it. he’s so stubborn.
i plan on spending the rest of this weekend chillaxing. i will probably go for a walk later today with my mom. well i asked her if she would. its not raining so its an opportunity to exercise. i also plan on reading and on watching x factor tonight and tomorrow night. i’ll be staying here until tomorrow.
so as you know i had bad news about respite and was denied by one place i applied to. so i’ve been looking at other options. i rang my phn public health nurse, she is the one who initially referred me to both of the places i applied to. i told her about the one disability friendly place denying my application. she was shocked. she said she’d see if there was a way to appeal it. i said ok to her trying but to be honest i’m not sure i want to appeal it. i dont think i want to go to a place who really dont want me. and anyway i highly doubt i can appeal the decision. they were pretty clear when they said no. but i told her to see what she can find out and get back to me. yesterday i called karen you know karen r the team co-ordinator on dr. barrys team. she was sympathetic when i told her the news. i asked her if she knew of any respite places for people with mental health difficulties. she told me there is just one in the cork area and they only take people for respite occasionally and you have to be from a certain part of cork to get in. so thats a no go. just as i was writing this post my phn got back to me. she said that the place that denied me said i can appeal it, but that they really only work with profoundly disabled people, who cant wash dress feed themselves etc. so why then did the manager when she assessed me seem so positive? it doesnt make any sense. so i’ve decided on hearing that not to appeal the decision. its for the best i think. back to the things i’ve tried. this morning i rang the other place i applied to, and i asked them how long the waiting list is. she checked and said i am number 31 on the list currently. she told me she is going to do 14 assessments within the next 2 weeks and so that will half the list. so probably it will be middle of next year before a bed comes up but she was positive and when i told her the other place denied me she was actually shocked. she kept apologising and saying she was sorry their waiting list was so long. so thats a bit of good news the fact that they may take me when my name does come up. i also found out about a service that the irish wheelchair association which is where i get my pa hours from offers. basically they have a holiday hotel for the disabled in county roscommon. its about 3 hours away from where i live. they provide four night breaks for disabled people but the catch is that you have to pay for half of it and they will fund the other half for you. i rang the place this morning and the lady is going to email me on some info about the place. a four night break there costs almost 500 euro but everything is provided meals, activities, a bar, your bedroom, i could bring nitro, etc. it sounds really good and like something i’d really like. i think i will try it out but probably not until after xmas. but its something positive and i’m glad i found out about it. i rang one other place that i knew took people for respite but when i called they said they stopped taking people last january so that was a no go too. there is so little in the cork area for people with disabilities, people under 65, and people with mental illness. most of the respite is for elderly people who need medical care or have personal care needs. its sad really. but some of what i found out is positive so that is good. i’ll just have to hope one of the options i mentioned works out.
yes I am. I can, and I will! Its my new motto!
I have to go see karen O my nutritionist this morning. it will be interesting to see if i’ve lost any weight. i am hopeful. i had a pretty good week. granted exercise is still an issue i havent done nearly as much as i wanted to do, but that is because my treadmill was acting weird, speeding up after a few minutes of being on it, so yesterday i got my mom to take a look at it. and guess why it was doing that? my nephew had shoved a car underneath it. mom got it out and now its back to normal and working properly again and i am able to use it yay.
today is my second day of having natasha. its our last day together as she is only covering for kristen for two days. i already asked her if she knows where my nutritionists office is, she does so that is good. i’m not gonna eat breakfast until i finish seeing karen O. then i have housework to do for the rest of the morning.
in the afternoon i will go to the basement club and do my volunteering. i’m happy about that. it will be something to distract my thoughts. if i’m busy i wont think about memories and hard emotions.
i’m determined my day will get better. my night was hard, i didnt sleep, i’m tired, i’m emotional, i’m still triggered, but my day is going to turn around, thats a definite!
when the flood gates open and a flood of grief and trauma memories hit you smack in the face what do you do?
you sit and shake and cry and flail and pace and vomit and fall in a heap on the floor. Yes, that is me…that is what I did tonight.
this time of year just fucking sucks. i thought i was ok. i thought i could make it. i thought i would not get overwhelmed. but i’m overwhelmed. i’m triggered. and i’m not going to make it.
i could use some hugs. and some words of wisdom.