I had a pretty uneventful evening last night. I got home from therapy around 6 and decided to order chinese food. I may as well treat myself now while I can because come January I am going to cut down and join slimming world and really watch what I am eating. My niece will be making her communion next May and I want to lose weight for that so that I can buy something nice to wear. So anyway I ordered the chinese food and ate it and it was actually very nice. After that I just went to bed as I felt drained after therapy even though Jasmine had most of the session time. We’re always more tired after therapy and usually just go to bed and try to sleep so that we can recover from our session which is usually pretty intense. I slept well. Woke up at around 6 and got up to get ready to go to college. Will be finishing off the project I am working on today and that will finish my spreadsheets module. I still have to come in on Monday though even though I wont have anything to do. I think thats pretty stupid but there isnt another option. I will be leaving early on MOnday though to go see dr. Barry. I’m looking foraward to christmas. I have everyones gift sorted and have most of my cards sent and am just looking forward to relaxing and having some down time and spening time with my family and stuff. We’re taking the kids to see santa on Tuesday. My sister asked me if she could book it on my visa card so I let her. She’ll give me back the money later on today. My sisters cooking dinner today at our parents house. She’s making lasagna so I said I’d go there after college and have dinner there. I was supposed to go visit my friend Norma tonight but I think I’ll wait until tomorrow to do that. I need to give her a christmas gift. I will be rushing if I do it tonight and I want to have some time to just hang out and chat and stuff so I will wait. Thats about it from here.
Hi, its Jasmine,
Yesterday I had the majority of our therapy session so I thought I’d write about it. Me and Eileen mostly talked about when I came to be. About how long I’d been with the system. And about what was gtriggering me right now and activating me. I told her I’d been with the body since our teens. But that in 2002 when we ended therapy with Attracta, how the pain was so bad and the devastation so great that the system just crashed, and I came out and said I could end the pain, because, its what I was programmed to do, is kill us when the pain gets too much. I tried that time to end it but failed. Each time I have tried to kill us I have failed. Mostly I’ve always overdosed on tablets. Eileen said I have a huge burden to carry. That being the one who always attempts to end the pain is huge and such a lonely place to be. She asked me if I didnt have to carry that what I felt I could offer the system. I had to think on that for a while but then I said because I am reflective, I think about things, I am not impulsive, I might be able to offer wisdom. Sheh said I didnt seem impulsive to her and I said no, that when I planned to kill us I always methodically planned it out. So we talked some more about that for a while. Then we talked some more about my activation and why I got so triggered. I told her that when Dr. Barry was working on the police report with Carol anne a few weeks ago it triggered me. Back in 2007 we were raped, I was part of that. And while I never made the initial police report afterwords, I did know about it and it did really effect me. So just talking about a report and what we would be putting in it sent me reeling. Eileen said its different now, that I have a choice. That Dr. Barry is just supporting us in sending in a report, but that it is our choice whether we pursue it or not. That that part is up to us now. Choice is a weird concept to me. I think because in everything in the past I didnt feel I had a choice. Eileen also asked me what I thought of going to college. Whether I was happy for Carol anne to be doing that. I said yes I was. That I thought it was a good idea because if I was at home thinking about death and suicide and other things I’d have more time on my hands to possibly do something and that would not be good. So I am glad we are in college. Eileen then asked me to make a deal with her. I hate making deals because usually I can never keep to them. But she asked me and I agreed. I was telling her that some members of our system had been hallucinating this week and that scares me, I cant deal with the psychotic stuff. She said she thought that maybe part of it was that they were afraid of me doing something to end it. So then she was like can you agree to take the suicide stuff off the table? Just for a couple weeks? Until christmas is over? I said I wasnt sure. Then she said if me and her continued to work together, would that make me feel better? I said I thought it would. So she said to me then, do you have any hope things will get better? I said a tiny glimmer maybe. So she then said ok, if you have a little bit of hope, that is all you need, now can we take the suuicide plan off the table and say we me and you will continue to work together each week? After christmas? So I agreed to it. Then she had me tell the entire system of our plans. I told them and they felt relieved. I just hope I can keep to it, it doesnt mean I wont feel suicidal, but maybe when I do I can reach out to my online friends, or blog or something. So that was our therapy session in a nut shell.
Yesterday after doing my exam I went to see Dr. Barry. It was a really good apt. I had decided the night before after thinking about it for a long time and after friends had advised me that I needed to talk to her about my anxiety and ptsd, as that’s been getting worse these last few weeks. Most of you know I am not a fan of meds. I will avoid taking them if I can. Friends had advised me to ask Dr. Barry to give me something for anxiety and also for insomnia. I had asked abouta med for insomnia a couple weeks ago and she’d given me 2 weeks supply of one, but then I hadnt taken it because I didnt feel comfortable doing that. Anyway I had decided yesterday that i was going to ask her for a med to help with the anxiety. So when we went in I started telling her about the previous day, when I’d felt so anxious and triggered that I just wanted to bolt. She asked me if I was able to pinpoint when it got worse, and I said I didnt have that awareness. She said I need to practice trying to become aware of the anxiety and what starts to heighten it and become mindful of it before it peaks. Easier said than done. I told her me and Eileen did that safe place exercise last week, remember the beach scene we did using EMDR? She was impressed and said to keep reinforcing that scene even when I dont need it because it is going to help me in the long run. Eileen had actually said the exact same thing to me last week. Eventually I said Dr. Barry, I’m going to ask you something but I am so scared to ask. Can I have a med to help with anxiety? She didnt say yes straight away. But she did say we’d talk about it. I told her how it was incredibly hard for me to ask for what I need, I was afraid of rejection, or that she might invalidate my needs. Rationally I did know she wouldnt, she isnt that way inclined. But my brain was in overtime, emotionally I was so scared and frightened. She asked me what would happen if she disagreed with me, I said I didnt know but probably the likelihood is that my world would come crashing down and I wouldnt ask again. She said she didnt disagree with me, and that she found it admirable that over the last year we havent really focused on medications, I told her part of the reason i was afraid was because I thought she might think I just wanted meds, an easy option, an easy way out of a hard situation. She said Carol anne, when do you ever ask me for meds? The answer is never. So that isnt even an option. I was glad she didnt think I was always looking for meds. The truth is I am kinda anti medication lol. To be asking her for them was huge for me. She said she wanted to wait until Mondays appointment, to see how I am doing then, but if by Monday I still wasnt any better she’d put me on lyrica again. I’ve taken it in the past for a couple of months. She said she thought lyrica was the best option for my anxiety, because you can come on and off it without much problems. And you dont have to take it for two weeks before you see the benefits of using it. I told her I dont want anything addictive, and I dont want anything that is gonna make me look drugged. She agreed. We talked about some doctors pushing meds, and I said I didnt like that approach. She said for things like insomnia and anxiety meds were a last resort and that there are other ways of coping with it, but so many people just want to resort to medications when it isnt necessary. I’m glad I’m not like that. It was a good appointment and I’m glad I decided to ask her for what I needed.
I did my exam and I aced it! It was a spreadsheets exam and I am so pleased, I think I’ve done well on it. I learned off all the formulas the night before, and when I sat down to do the exam I was able to recall everything and didnt get anything wrong! Also my instructor gave me an early christmas present, there was an issue with the perenthisis going in to each formula and so the ansers were wrong but she checked it and told me about it so I was able to fix it so I didnt lose any marks yay!
I’m bored so decided to try this. Who’d like to ask me something. Is there a question you’ve always wanted to ask me? Go ahead, ask me anything? I reserve the right to decline to answer, but I’ll try to endeavour to answer every question that anyone asks!
This could be fun!
How are you all? I decided to do this because right now I am so triggered right now and I need some distraction. So I thought it’d be fun to meet greet and share and possibly read some new blogs along the way too. For those who dont know me I am a 35 year old female from ireland. I have dissociative identity disorder and ptsd, I am also blind, I blog about my experiences with these disorders, and my therapy process. I also blog about random stuff like stuff that I do on weekends, college, sometimes I also take up blog challenges and things. What do you blog about? Share some posts here and lets meet and dialogue! Feel free to follow my journey if you would like.