Sorry to hear you feel so bad. Of course I care, and many others care as well. Sometimes we feel bad, and then it changes, and we feel alright again. It’s a cycle, and rotten when we are in it, but everything changes.
Dreams can really throw us, and can be very confusing and upsetting, that is true. You are doing well to reach out and hold a possibility that it will pass.
Take care today
I WAS FLOODED WITH RELIEF WHEN I SAW THIS RESPONSE FROM HER JUST NOW.
IT WAS LIKE MY WHOLE NERVOUS SYSTEM CALMED RIGHT DOWN, IT HAD BEEN SO ACTIVATED, BECAUSE OF HOW ANGRY I WAS FEELING.
I REALISE NOW THAT I WAS BEING VERY UNREASONABLE EARLIER TODAY. 24 HOURS HAD NOT EVEN ELAPSED SINCE I HAD WRITTEN THAT EMAIL AND IT WAS UNFAIR OF ME TO EXPECT SO MUCH FROM EILEEN ESPECIALLY ON THE WEEKEND.
I WANT TO THANK THOSE OF YOU WHO COMMENTED, ESPECIALLY COREY, WHO WAS VERY BLUNT, BUT MADE ME REALISE SOME THINGS. HE WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID THAT SHE IS ENTITLED TO DOWN TIME, AND TIME TO REGROUP. I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT SHE IS HUMAN AND A PERSON JUST LIKE I AM. AND I AM NOT HER ONLY CLIENT. SOMETIMES BECAUSE OF THE INTENSITY OF THE ATTACHMENT WORK WE DO, I FORGET THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHE IS SEEING.
THANKS ALSO GOES TO KAT FOR MAKING ME SEE THAT MY ANGER WAS GETTING IN THE WAY OF ME SEEING THAT IF I DONT GO TO THERAPY I AM ONLY SPITING MYSELF AND YES I DO REALLY WANT TO GO AND DEEP DOWN I KNOW THAT.
JUST THANK YOU EVERYONE. I AM FEELING MUCH MORE CALM NOW. I CAN SEE THINGS A LOT CLEARER. AND I WILL THINK IN THE FUTURE BEFORE I JUMP TO AN ANGRY OUTBURST.
SO EILEEN HASNT RESPONDED TO ME. AND I AM FEELING DISAPPOINTED AND A LITTLE ANGRY AT HER. I NEEDED A RESPONSE. I DIDNT WRITE THAT EMAIL LIGHTLY. I WAS REALLY STRUGGLING YESTERDAY. NORMALLY SHE IS GOOD ABOUT RESPONDING LIKE, SHE KNOWS WHEN A RESPONSE IS WARRANTED. LIZ SAID SHE DOESNT THINK SHE CHECKS HER EMAIL AT WEEKENDS. I SUPPOSE THAT COULD BE TRUE. BUT WELL, I JUST, I FEEL WORTHLESS. LIKE I DONT MATTER. BECAUSE IF I MATTERED, IF MY STRUGGLE MEANT ANYTHING TO HER, THEN SHE WOULD HAVE SENT A RESPONSE, EVEN JUST A QUICK HI I KNOW YOUR STRUGGLING AND I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT THINGS ARE SO BAD, WE’LL TALK MORE TOMORROW. MAYBE SHE THINKS BECAUSE WE ARE SEEING HER TOMORROW THAT SHE DIDNT HAVE TO RESPOND. I DONT WANT TO GO TO THERAPY TOMORROW, I RATHER STAY HOME. WHAT IS THE POINT? IT SEEMS SO POINTLESS AND NOT WORTH MAKING THE EFFORT. DO PEOPLE THINK I’M BEING UNREASONABLE? I’VE JUST HAD SUCH A CRAP WEEKEND. SUICIDAL URGES AND IDIATION ARENT PLEASANT. AND I REALLY NEEDED A REASSURING EAR. SOMEONE TO SAY I’M HERE AND I CARE. I NEEDED THAT SOMEONE TO BE EILEEN.
i’m so frustrated right now with my friend. we were meant to be going to this conference for two days. it was a conference on mental illness. it was called critical voices and I was really looking forward to going. there were going to be awesome speakers at it and lots of workshops also. but my friend backed out on me at the last minute. the conference was meant to be next wednesday and thursday. she said she had an appointment to go to and she couldnt get out of it. but she really could have if she tried. she didnt even try. it was some appointment for a dietician. i know those dieticians they will change your appointment if you need to do that. i know because i’ve seen the community dietician before. i just had to email the organiser and say we werent coming and to give our place to someone else. i’m sad and disappointed. i really really wanted to go to this. i feel sorta angry at my friend. she is unreliable. i needed someone who i could depend on. unfortunately that someone wasnt her. so now because she cant go i cant, either. i dont have anyone else to ask. sometimes life really fucking sucks.
ITS WENDY. I DEBATED WRITING YOU. I DONT THINK I DESERVE TO BOTHER ANYONE. BUT LIZ SAID I SHOULD. SHE SAID YOU WOULDNT MIND GETTING MY EMAIL.
I FEEL SUICIDAL. I AM ALL MIXED UP. I FEEL LIKE JUST TAKING A BUNCH OF PILLS TO END IT. I DONT FEEL LIKE I DESERVE CARE. BUT PART OF ME SOME YOUNGER PART WANTS SOMEONE TO CARE. MAYBE THAT IS WHY I AM REACHING OUT TO YOU. PART OF ME WANTS YOU TO SAY DONT DO IT AND I CARE AND STUFF. CRAZY RIGHT?
I HAD A SLEEPLESS NIGHT LAST NIGHT. HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES. WEIRD DREAMS. CRAZY DREAMS. AND I AM EXHAUSTED.
SO MAYBE ITS JUST MY CRAZY BRAIN ACTING ALL WEIRD. WHO KNOWS?
BUT I REALLY REALLY FEEL LIKE ID BE BETTER OFF DEAD. I AM ALSO AFRAID. AFRAID OF LIVING LIFE. AFRAID OF MYSELF AND MY PAST TRAUMAS. AFRAID OF REMEMBERING.
ITS WENDY. I CANT DO THIS. I JUST CANT. I NEED TO DIE. I NEED TO END IT. TAKE THE PILLS. JUST GET IT OVER WITH. THE PAIN ITS TOO MUCH. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. OR MY URGES. NO ONE WILL GET IT. I CANT CALL EILEEN. I CANT GO TO THE ER. I CANT TALL DR. BARRY. I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I DONT WANT TO JUST BE LOCKED UP SOMEWHERE TO KEEP ME SAFE. THAT DOESNT HELP ME FEEL BETTER. I JUST CANT GO THERE. I DONT WANT TO BOTHER ANYONE. I DONT DESERVE TO LIVE. I DONT DESERVE TO BE CARED ABOUT. I DONT DESERVE ANYTHING. I JUST NEED TO BE GONE, DEAD, NEED TO JUST DIE.
i’m not very well today. mentally. i feel very suicidal. not really sure why that is. other than i had a rough night last night. i did not sleep good. had horrible horrific nightmares. they really scared me. i even dreamed about this girl who i went to school with who died of some rare brain disorder, i dreamed i was at her funeral. weird. very unsettling. i decided to go to my parents for safetys sake. just in case i got impulsive or any other insider did and took a bunch of pills. speaking of pills, the pharmacy really fucked up my meds. my mom went to pick up my injection and they said they were out of it, so now that means i’ll have to pick it up on tuesday, when i go to pick everything else for the month up. well my meds are all screwy anyway it started with my doctors surgery. they said i did not order any prescriptions since july. but thats not true. i’ve changed meds a few times since then. started prozac and naltrexone. so of course i had ordered meds. they are lying. the girl on the front desk got all snooty and said she had proof and could print off my last order. well she can go fuck herself because i have proof too in that i can ask the pharmacy to check. so what i did was made an apt to see my gp on tuesday morning. to straighten everything out. its a nuisance to have to go down there for no other reason than to straighten out medications. but at least he’ll do it right and then my prescription will be fixed and all will be good. but it means I cant go grocery shopping then like I had planned. my PA kristen will be taking me there. She only has two hours in which to do it. its not the only thing i have to do on tuesday. i need to go to the police station to get a form stamped and signed, its the form for my disabled parking pass. thats kinda stressing me out as well. i dont like having to go to a police station even if its only to do this one small thing. i feel triggered just having to meet with an officer. so yeah, trigger central lately. also my stomach is very sore. there are more small abscesses coming out on it. they are red and raw and very painful. i put medicated powder on them after my bath this morning. thats all i can really do, but i might just ask my gp on tuesday for an antibiotic to see if that will help them. my mom is sick too right now. she has COPD and she got a nasty chest infection. She went to the doctors yesterday and he gave her steroids and an antibiotic and he told her once this infection clears she needs to go back and have a lung function test and some other test not sure of the name, and a chest x-ray also. i feel bad that i am not feeling good like i thought i would be so that i could let certain young insiders out to watch cartoons do art and play. they can come out but they really dont want to because they know I’m not feeling great. i hate that the way i feel effects them so much. they really need to just be able to be kids. they are sad and fearful and traumatised though. their security has been compramised in me not feeling good. i think i’ll just go veg out in front of the tv for the rest of the afternoon and i might read my book also. distraction always helps me feel better.
so i spent today at the basement club. it was an open morning there. that means that basically anyone can come in, anyone with self experience of mental illness, relatives, friends, professionals or anyone from the public. this morning i got there early. i was there when it opened at 9:30. two OT students came in to see the place. they were very friendly. i spent a long time telling them about the basement club, and chatting to them. a couple of new people came in also. they wanted to become members but membership is closed until january due to staff being very busy and unable to do induction. but the people can come in every friday in november since all fridays are open mornings. at 11 AM i started my volunteering. the first hour i did data input. one of the other members denise was working with me. remember i said I’d put up a poster for help with the data input? well denise was the only one who came forward. colette trained her up today and we started working together today too. we work well together. we make a good team. we got all the sign in sheets done in 45 minutes. the second hour of my volunteering went well too. it was very quiet though. not much going on and i didnt have very much to do. i only got 1 phone call in the whole hour. once i got done i had lunch. i was very organised this morning and brought my own lunch. i brought fruit, and crackers with gooda cheese. after lunch we had community catch up. this is a group where we catch up on whats been going on within the basement club for the week and people also check in and say how their week has been. today we had a bit of a goodbye party for julie. julie is the student that has been on placement with us for the past 9 weeks. she was leaving today. i was sad to see her go because she was nice and i liked her. she brought a lot of creativity to the basement club. she gave a speech which was very nice. and we had a nice yummy chocolate cake. colette took a photo of her with the cake and a couple of the members stood in with her for the picture. it was sweet. i left pretty soon after community catch up. i should know next week whether or not i got picked to be on the interviewing panel for hiring that new staff member for the basement club. fingers crossed i did.