I’m so anxious tonight. Mostly about college. I recently started my second module, in excel. And I can honestly say I am struggling with it. I dont feel I’m doing so well. I find the concepts and formulas hard to grasp. There are so many of them. And I have to type them all out long hand, I cant use the tool bars as my screen reader seems to have trouble reading them. Its just been hard. And my exam is in two weeks. And I’m so nervous. What if I dont do well or pass? What will I do? Yes you can repeat the module but only once. If you dont pass the second go round you just fail and thats that. I desperately want to pass and not only pass but do well I want to get a distinction. I am not sure though that I will. I know your probably thinking why am I worrying. I cant help it. I get stressed out easily. This is one area that stresses me out if my ability to achieve things, to get results and do well. So much is riding on it. I want to do it both for myself but also for my family who are seeing how well I amd oing lately in all aspects and areas of my life. I dont want to disappoint them now. I’m just over thinking and that leads to my anxiety getting higher. I should try to go to bed and calm down. There really is little point in worrying tonight as I cant do anything anyway about any of it.
Day 19: Discuss your first love
My first love was a girl named Marie. We were friends but one night while driving she tried to kiss me. I loved her like a friend but not like a girlfriend. So it didnt go anywhere. But I think if I’d have allowed it to it would have went to us dating. I’m glad I didnt now though as she was a lot older than me and it just wouldnt have felt right to me.
Since we were feeling bad all day, I decided to do some self care activities tonight. I am sitting here nice and cosy in my pj’s watching the toy show. The show is great. All the most popular toys are shown and also children from all over ireland get to perform on the show, singing, dancing, playing instraments etc. Its wonderful. Our littles are loving it. I also went online to see if I could find a good black Friday deal, and I found the tassimo drinks machine, which I’ve always wanted, it makes coffee, hot chocolate etc and it was on sale for 50 euro, with 100 euro off so I bought it. I cant wait to try it out. Has anyone got one of these? Or another type of coffee maker? I know I’ll be in heaven with this machine. I also treated the kids to take out food tonight, so everyone is really happy right now, which is great, long may it last.
The urge to die is strong. Cant do it as am in college. But god i just want to end it. End the pain. I dont even matter anyway. I am nothing. I am not worth it. No one would miss me. At least it feels that way. No one really knows me well, except my therapist. I just want the suffering to end, the feelings of hurt and pain to stop.
What is happiness anyway? I dont feel it. I wish I could. I feel so down, depressed, I just need a hug but cant ask. Feeling so desperate right now, wishing someone would take the feelings away.
I got to work with Eileen yesterday again. It was good to be able to talk to her. I thought at first that she didnt want to talk to me because at first she was talking with Carol anne asking her how I was doing and stuff so I thought that meant that she wasnt going to speak directly to me. But she did. We talked about Dr Barry and I told her that I felt upset that she wouldnt talk to me. Eileen said she was probably trying to protect me and look out for me, and that she knew I was struggling and didnt want to overwhelm me so thought it would be best if I just talked with eileen. We talked about my depression and I told Eileen that I felt that I was being pulled down, it felt like a huge weight was pressing on me. Then I told her I was pushing, trying to fight back. She asked me to stand away from the pushing and pulling, she told me to pretend I was standing on a stage, just looking down at myself, but away from the push pull parts of me. So I did that and it felt better. I was able to talk about my feelings and stuff without getting drawn into them. We talked again about parts, and intrajects. She asked me if I knew that I had parts, I told her sometimes yes I do know, but sometimes I get confused as to who is an inside part of me and the people that are outside of me. She said we’d work more on that over the coming weeks. I felt so tired after the session, like it totally drained me. I was glad though that I got to work with her again.